Best Christmas EVER!!!

I figured I would post something about Christmas 2008 very quickly before I go head out with my new FIANCE!!!! :)

Yeah, that's my hand and I have a huge rock on my finger!!! :) Paul proposed to me on Christmas and it couldn't have been more special or perfect. It was simple, romantic, and totally him. No fancy restaurant, no audience, no photographer capturing the moment. Just me and him up in my room, listening to our song When God Made You (lyrics at http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/newsong/when_god_made_you.html), opening up 1 last Christmas present from him. "It's just something extra, something small, not a big deal Emily. I just wanted to get you something else because I love you so much." So I opened up this small box the size of half a shoe box and wondered what this gift could be. Little did I know that the gift would be a new fiance and that Paul would be getting down on one knee all teary-eyed and completely open about how he feels about me. And of course I got all teary-eyed, then laughed uncontrollably and said YES! We'll be getting married December 5th, 2009. The exact same date 2 years ago that I wrote him this poem:

To You, My Soul-Mate
It's almost 1am on a cold, early winter’s night.
I can’t seem to fall asleep
Because I’m thinking of you.
You see, we haven’t met yet,
At least I don’t think we have.
I’m praying that you aren’t lonely
Because somewhere I am thinking of you.
I just wanted to let you know
That it won’t always be this way.
You are worth all of this alone time.
God has placed an image of you in my heart.
You will be there until the day we finally meet.
And on that day, I’ll know it’s you.
There won’t be a doubt in my mind or heart.
I’ll know when it’s finally you.
I knew you existed;
I just needed to wait in God’s time.
You are everything I’ve hoped for.
Sweet dreams, my love.
Sweet dreams.
12/5/07

God's timing is just perfect. I couldn't plan any of this better. And the good news is I didn't have to! It doesn't matter how long you know someone before any of this happens. When you know, you just KNOW. It's that gut feeling that God sends you in your spirit when you know something is right. And this relationship was completely God's idea and He managed to keep me from moving to Los Angeles just so I would meet Paul, fall in love with him, and eventually get married all within 1 year. That was GOD'S PLAN. And I know we are completely ecstatic about it all! He was so adorable as he called all of his friends and family, just giggling and smiling from ear to ear. "We're engaged, Em...you are my FIANCE!"

How can I even explain to you how ah-mazing all of this is?! I had no idea that he would propose this soon. I figured it would be another few months longer just so people didn't think he was crazy. But we both finally realized that it doesn't really matter what other people think about it. If they love us, they will know just as we know that it is real. And it is. I couldn't think of any other person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I love him with all of my heart and I am so excited to start planning this wedding!!! Yay!!!

This truly was the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!

Something has changed within me...something is not the same...

Yeah...I'm a dork for quoting Wicked, so what?

But I honestly feel like those lyrics truly describe what's been happening to me. So much has changed since May, I can't fully grasp it or explain it to others who are just as confused as me. I can state the obvious, the things that we all can see (new relationship, less time with friends, more time at church, change of career plans, etc), but it goes much deeper than that. I've found myself not caring about the things that I used to care about and I'm questioning if it is good or bad for me to begin with. Not drinking? Yes, that's good that I don't do that anymore. Going to church 3 or 4 times a week? Yes, that's good that I spend more time worshipping the Lord and growing deeper in my faith. Falling in love? Yes, it's amazing that I've found the man of my dreams and I'm madly in love with him. You starting to get the picture? A lot of the things in my life have changed for the better, but I still feel like I'm falling short in life. The things that used to excite me, don't anymore. And the things that excite me are so new that it weirds me out that I love it so much.

I used to have passion for my art form, Theatre. I still love it, but I'd much rather spend time cuddling with Paul and laughing until my face hurts. Is that falling short? Ugh. No...it's just different. I'm different. And I wake up trying to get used to myself. Is that weird? My dad's death has REALLY shaken me. But no one would be able to tell (not even myself) because I keep putting one foot in front of the other, mechanically getting through it all somehow. I don't think anyone can heal from something like this so quickly that they completely act like it never happened. First off, that's denial and I'm not there. I just wonder if there comes a time in life where it will seem so distant that I can only look at my life with him in a good light. Right now I'm wanting that to happen, but I can't seem to get there just yet. I guess I put too much pressure on myself. It HAS only been a month.

I have to ask...can you stop depression when you feel it coming on? Can you make yourself not dive into the 1 thing that brings you so much joy but hurts your relationship with God? When somethings broken, one must go to God to fix it even if you cannot see Him or audibly hear Him. It is SO easy for me to run to Paul instead because he's physically there and I can SEE him, HEAR him, and TOUCH him. You can experience God in those ways too, but most of the time they are manifestations of him: signs, angels, guidance from His words. I feel like I'm giving myself advice right now by playing the devil's advocate. I know what to do, it's just the matter of following through with it!

I just feel numb when Paul isn't here. And I KNOW that isn't good for me. I must feel joyful no matter where I am, no matter if he is around me or not! Paul doesn't bring me joy. That joy must come from God first and He then spreads it by sending His people.

Ugh...I'm just in a weird low. Which isn't good around the Holidays. But I guess when you have something as odd as your dad being murdered, things are gonna be a little hard.

Oh well...I must keep my chin up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

16 Things about me (copied from my facebook account)...

1. I am completely undergoing the biggest transition of my entire life. I still feel like I need to be taking finals this week or drinking myself into a stuper with various kinds of energy drinks to stay awake to write those friggin papers! If that isn't enough, dealing with losing a loved one is never easy, especially if your relationship with them wasn't the warmest kind. Or how about understanding for the first time that you don't want to pursue life head-on as an actress (because you want a husband and 2 children) but as a teacher who acts on the side? Yeah, I'm still getting used to that one...

2. I'm inheriting an ungodly amount of money because of my dad's life insurance in the next few months which will help me BUY my first home before the age of 25. Most likely will get a car, new computer, furniture, clothes (can't wait to just buy myself some new jeans and undies), and pay for my wedding. Yeah, for a girl who had to steal food from her roommates just to get through college, this is kind of a big deal.

3. For the past 3 years, I saw myself living my life in LA or NY as a single, iindependent actress and not finding my soul-mate until my late 20's or early 30's because my career came first. Now I will be married in a year (proposal is probably coming before March, but we already have a date set for the wedding) and living in a house somewhere in St. Louis County completely and utterly in love with the man of my dreams and glorifying God at the age of 23 and completely and utterly exstatic about that.

4. I still sleep with a silky pillow case around my neck that I've had since I was born. I call it my "case."

5. I have moved my belongings from various places a total of 12 times from the time I was born until a month ago. Maybe that's why I want something consistent and steady like a husband, children, house, and career as a teacher...as far as I know no matter how terrible the economy gets, that job isn't going anywhere. Thinking about pursuing a career in acting makes me ask this question: How many people can afford entertainment in times like these? Honestly.

6. I grew up (Catholic) knowing that God existed, but until very recently(going to a non-denominational church), truly understood what it means to have a relationship with Him. I wake up every day praising His name for what He has given me. No matter what, He has used it all for good.

7. I feel myself growing distant with a lot of people in my life and I don't know how to explain to them how much I love them and feel terrible that I haven't been around much lately. When God sends you your soul-mate, it's really difficult to not want anything else. I'm trying my best to find a balance with it all. It will all work out, I promise.

8. I made a committment to God, myself, and Paul to save myself until marriage. I have become a "born-again virgin." I feel more like the Emily I remember before I met Nathan and I have more respect for her. Our wedding night will be fantastic! :)

9. I have watched alcohol tear a part my family since I was 4 years old. I have vivid memories of my dad coming home wasted and fighting with my mother. My grandma has lost a husband, 2 sons, and a son-in-law to alcohol and I don't want it in my life any longer. Although I have never seriously hurt myself or had it get terribly out of hand, I don't want to chance it. There were times where I shouldn't have driven home and there were moments where I woke up in another man's bed who was never my boyfriend. I never want to walk down that road again.

10. I have forgiven those who have hurt me and wish nothing but the best in their lives. I don't hate anyone or hold grudges.

11. I have lost about 10 lbs in the past 2 months solely because of stress. I haven't worked out since early October and need to change that.

12. Since July, I haven't been able to hold down a nanny job longer than 2 weeks. I think God is telling me to find something else. I am still having trouble figuring out what that something else is.

13. Faith Church St. Louis has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and my family. No doubt about it. It's brought us closer together. It has made us all happier individuals and it brought Paul into my life.

14. I suffer from an extreme form of PMS which has been diagnosed as PMDD but I just call it "PMS on crack." It varies from month to month as to how severe my symptoms are. Some months I don't have any symtoms and others, I have to stay home because my cramps are ridiculous or I can't stop crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason.

15. I listen to music CONSTANTLY because I don't like silence. I fall asleep to music or Scrubs on DVD.

16. I miss a lot of my friends, but am enjoying a new part of my life with my family. I have talked more with my brother, step-dad, and sister in the past few months than I have in the past few years. My mom and I were always close over the phone, but now I spend time with her more often than I have in the past. And having Paul and his family is just another amazing bonus. His little brother Keith has become my little brother (the one that thinks you are the coolest thing since sliced-bread kind of little brother).

Honestly...have I lost my drive?

So I'm sitting here awake at 12:46am when I should be asleep. But I ask myself why? I don't have plans tomorrow, which has been the statement of the hour for an entire month. My goodness...has it already been a month since all of that happened? Yeah, it has.

I have never been the type of person to be okay with unemployment, but I've reached a point of surrender. I have odd jobs that help me pay the bills, but it's not much. I guess I don't need an ungodly amount of money anyway. I don't pay rent or have car payments. My loans are going to be deferred until I have a steady income. I just need money to pay my phone bill and gas. I suppose I have always had money issues and have grown numb to it all. God provides somehow. And I manage to make it through every month so I'm not really worried about any of it.

I guess because I'm so used to being high-strung that when I'm not stressing or worrying every second of every day, something feels off. I have goals. I ALWAYS have goals, but my most recent goals are a lot more different than I'm used to. I have certain things to keep me occupied while I'm trying to get my life situated. But I feel situated somehow and I don't care that I don't have a career path right now. I honestly don't care and that feeling freaks me out hard-core. I've ALWAYS cared about that part of my life. Maybe it's because that's all I thought I had in my life to care about. Maybe it's because the world prepares us all to care about that. They don't teach us to care about church or family or love. We spend 17 plus years of our lives in school and they never say a single thing about any of that. Unless you go to a private school with religious affiliation I guess. But a majority of us spent many many MANY years going to public school being brain-washed into thinking that life is about making money and finding your place in the economy. Hahaha...I just laugh at that mere idea. What economy?! It's failing! If it wasn't for our families, we wouldn't need a reason to make money and I'd like to think that is why we must find a career...so we can take care of them.

But I've come to realize that even without my career a part of my life right now, I STILL feel complete. I'm STILL full of peace and joy. I still feel like I'm LIVING. At 22 years old, almost 23, I feel like I have a solid grip on what life is all about and it has NOTHING to do with what I've been drilled with since I was 5 years old. Absolutely NOTHING. I don't regret any part of my life, but college was the most hellish 4 years of my life. I have never felt more stressed or pressured in my entire life. Okay...figure out what you want to do with the rest of your entire existence...NOW!!! Oh, you're undeclared...that's sad. You don't know what you want to do? That's sad....

You know what I want to do? I want to be happy! I want a perfect marriage to counter-act all the rest of the divorces in this world. I want 2 beautiful children to love and adore and teach them about God and how much He loves them. I want a warm and wonderful house to come home to at the end of a long day at work. I want to spend time at church with my family and grow deeper in my faith. I want to use the talents God has given me to make a huge difference in the world and change lives. I may not know exactly what that is going to be, but I know I will continue to listen to what God wants for me. I want an act of illumination, not ellimination.

So have I lost my drive? Hmm...I don't think I have. I think my drive has been switched over from the world's system to God's system. Seriously. In the Bible it tells us that God is Love. And Love is at the center of my existence for the first time in my life. Not just romantic love, but love for all of God's people and especially people who haven't seen much of me over the years...my family. I choose them over my friends and a lot of my friends are left scratching their heads because they don't get it. I love my friends, but I love my family more. That's how it should be! And maybe we are all messed up individuals carrying around so much pain because of our dysfunctional relationships with our family. If we took the time to heal those wounded relationships, maybe other aspects of our lives would be more fulfilling. As we get older, our family grows because we form our very own family. I am getting older and things are changing for me at a very rapid pace because God has sent someone who I've longed for most of my life...my soul-mate. This isn't just another relationship doomed to fail. Paul isn't just a boyfriend. He is my future husband. If you have ever been in this situation where you know who you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you might just think I'm getting into too deep too quickly or maybe I'm just getting too wrapped up in him or obsessed even. I have never understood something so clearly in my whole life. And I know our relationship (which is centered in Christ) is what I'm supposed to focus on right now.

Everything else is just going to have to take a back-seat for awhile. I have the rest of my life to figure out my career. Who said you have to know that answer at 22? Who wrote those rules? I'm pretty sure that isn't in the Bible. I know God didn't want us to be alone.

18Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone;(R) I will make him a helper fit for[e] him." 19(S) Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed[f] every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and(T) brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam[g] there was not found a helper fit for him. 21So the LORD God caused a(U) deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made[h] into a woman and brought her to the man. 23Then the man said, "This at last is(V) bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;she shall be called Woman, because she was(W) taken out of Man."[i]
24(X) Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2: 18-24 ESV).

So, that's what has been on my mind lately and what has been going on in my life lately. I think about Paul every second of every day because I want to and because he is my gift from God. I'm not saying everyone's life has to be like this, but it sure beats being stressed out wondering what you are going to do for the rest of your life and how you are going to make money. To me, this is such a better deal!

Peace and Love.

Change is inevitable.

I've been dealing with change more frequently and more intensely than most people my age. But it's something that I have had to deal with since I was very little. Most of the changes that happened were the same as many of my friends dealt with and I had people to talk to because I wasn't alone in the situation: births, divorce, deaths, moving, maturing, dating, money problems, breakups...

But some changes were on a much larger scale and I had very few people in my life who knew how to relate to exactly what I was going through: nauseating family tension, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, moving so much that I never had a secure "home" for longer than 1 year, forbidden love affairs, betrayal, one-night stands, bankruptcy, and yes, even murder of a loved one.

But even as those changes flowed through my life, one thing remained constant: GOD's hand in my life holding me safely. My faith may have had many ups and downs throughout my life, but I always new God was there. Even when I was the most miserable person to be a round for 2 weeks out of every month, God still loved me and sent the right people who could handle my anxiety and PMDD mood swings. (Praise God that those aren't as strong as they used to be!)

I know some of you are wondering what happened to your friend, Emily. She put her friends at the top of the list, she liked to party occassionally, she liked going out boozing, she liked having a good time! Well, at least one of those 4 things are true still. I LOVE HAVING A GOOD TIME, but there are people in my life now that I now choose to put at the top of my list that haven't seen much of me over the past 4 years or in some cases even more than that: my family, my church, and the love of my life, Paul. My friends will always have a very special place in my heart, but I don't spend as much time with them as I have in the past because other things need my attention now.

I used to spend every weekend with some folks, and now I barely talk to them or see them. I know that when you don't live very close to each other, it's much harder to stay in touch and it takes a stronger effort. I know I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. And I apologize to many of my dearest friends. I guess I'm just trying to get used to some of the changes that have happened to me over the course of the past 6 months. I'm not the same Emily you may have known a year ago, 4 years ago, or maybe even longer in some cases. I choose God over a lot of things. And some may think I'm a Jesus Freak or think it's taking over my life. But I tell you this: I have NEVER been so happy or full of joy in my entire life and I hope that you are happy for me. The goodness that you found in me is still here and is stronger than ever. I've changed, but it's for the better, TRUST ME.

I don't know if you will ever know how much I love each and every one of you who have entered my life at any single moment. From my infamous birthday parties/slumber parties in gradeschool to Junior High Cheerleading to Trenton FUMC Youth Group to WHS Marching Band to SLU to Hard Road to SIUE & Summer Showbiz shows (My Jimmy Dean Girls, Chorus Line underwear and candle party/hide and seek, My cheese-tastic DHSM experience, Ah-mazing Big Love and Every Angel casts) to crazy cast and Halloween parties to wonderfully unique roommates to SETO Formals to Showtunes Tuesdays and Grey Fox to Faith Church St. Louis...they ALL mean the world to me and I love every one of those memories with you all. We don't have to be best friends for me to tell you that or let you know that I hold you close to my heart. If any of you think I hate you or are angry with you for any reason, you are terribly mistaken. I never stop thinking about any of you. Not a single one of you.

I just wanted to let you know that I may come across as different because my faith has become the center of my life and I'd rather spend my time at church functions than anywhere else in the world. Faith Church has become my home and it is where I feel the most at peace. If it wasn't for that church, I would have never met Paul and probably would have continued searching for love in all of the wrong places. That church brings me peace and joy and in turn I bring that peace and joy into the rest of my life. I may not enjoy boozing or partying as much as I used to, but I still have the same sense of humor and enjoy shaking my booty. That will never change. :)

Just know that I love you all and that I am extremely happy with where my life is headed. I'm in love with the man of my dreams and cannot wait to see what lies ahead for both of us.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers...all of you!

Peace & Love.

Update on Emily Rose.

Well, if it means much of anything to anyone, I am probably at the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I think it's because I have so many ah-mazing things to look forward to. I could take the time to list them all, but I'd rather you all be surprised when they actually happen instead of everyone and their brother knowing my biz-nazz like usual. I've realized that being an open-book comes with a price and I've been taken advantage of recently by putting my life on display.

So I'm going to stick to vagueness until I feel comfortable enough to get more detailed with some things. The people who are super super close to me will know soon enough about everything that's been going on in my life. Honestly, all you have to do is ask.

So as I was saying, I'm ridiculously happy. Like freakishly happy. Stupid happy. Hahaha...

A lot of that has to do with my faith and God sending me angels to help pick me up when life's struggles knock me down. You know who you are. For one, Paul has been a God-send, honestly. I'm not going to hide it. He really is the most amazing man I've ever met in my entire life and it has nothing to do with the fact that he is my boyfriend or soul-mate. I was in awe of him the first time we spoke. He is so genuine, warm, funny, and caring. And so many other qualities of course... ;) I never thought a love like this would exist for me until much later in life...once I had my career secured and I was close to 30. God had other plans for me. Thank goodness. I don't think I could have waited that long!

Some of you know I've had a big change of heart lately as far as my career path is concerned. And I know many of you are worried that I'm giving up or settling, but I tell you all: it's okay, I am doing all of this because I WANT TO. I feel God asking me to use my talents here in St. Louis. And not JUST my acting, singing, or dancing talents, but my brains and my integrity. If I'm supposed to move, He'll let me know and it will be painfully obvious. I'm tired of trying to MAKE things happen on my own. It's exhausting to tell you the truth. Believe me, I've been doing it for over 20 years. The tail-end of 22 has shown the transitions and year 23 will be different. I will forever listen to Him and live my life to impact and change other lives for the better. Amen! :)

Let's just say I'm going back to my roots before a certain someone entered my life and changed the way I lived my life. I'm building upon the good that was laid down long before I got to SIUE. Back when I wanted the white-picket fence lifestyle. I don't know why I used to bash that so much...maybe it was because I secretly wanted it but didn't think God was gonna send me the husband any time soon. Boy I really had no idea, did I?!

Life is just ah-mazing right now. Really, honestly. I know some terrible things have happened recently, but God has managed to turn it all into good and I'm being protected and taken care of. I applied for a position at Sylvan Learning Center in Edwardsville as a Teacher's Assistant. I really like tutoring. I started tutoring independently back in October and the kid's mom just told me that he raised his English grade (the class he needed the most help in) from a D to a B! That made my day today! There is physical proof that I am making a difference with my time and talents that God has given me. That's awesome! So I'm praying that I get this job and it will help me save money and build my resume a little for some things I want to pursue within the next few years as far as my career is concerned.

I'm going to most likely take a year off from theatre. I might do some small independent films here and there, but for the most part I need a break for a little bit. I need more time for family, Paul, and planning for some HUGE changes in my life. I also need more time for church. I'm auditioning for the youth band on Thursday (FINALLY!), acting with the drama ministry, helping in the TV department with Paulie on Tuesdays, and answering phones on Sunday mornings after the TV programs end. It feels good to do new things. Especially if they are helping people!

So that's about it...for now of course! :) If you're happy and you know it

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

That question is one you ask when you are about 10 years old and it continues as you go through school. I remember being asked that question constantly and it running through my mind at every second of every day, especially once it was time to start applying for college.


At first, I wanted to be a doctor but when I found out about the length of schooling, I said, “No way Jose!”


Then throughout most of high school, I prepped to become an English teacher. At 19, I transferred schools and transferred my career path to focus on becoming an actress.


I now have a BA degree in Theatre & Dance and still find myself asking “What do I wanna be when I grow up?” After dealing with my dad’s death and becoming a strong, solid woman of God, I have had a major reality check. With the economy being in the poor state it is in, I have been questioning my career path every day. I don’t think I can afford to take the selfish route and chase the dream of becoming a movie star. I have constantly asked myself recently some major life questions: Why are we here? What is our sole purpose on this Earth?


After some soul-searching and praying, I’ve realized that we are put on this Earth to change lives and help others through the struggles on this complex life. How can I become so self-involved to think that my performance abilities are going to help people put food on the table or heal them of their pain. Sure, I could help put a smile on their face for a little while, but that pain in their heart will still be there when the play is over or the 30 minutes TV show has ended. I must go deeper and I must think bigger than just acting.


How many of us actually take the time to figure this all out? I don’t regret becoming a Theatre major…not at all. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe it helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities. I am the confident woman today because of those few years forcing myself to put my vulnerabilities on the line every day.


With that said, I am discovering that I have so much more to offer the world than jazz-hands and dramatic and engaging monologues. And God is sending me signs every day to figure that out. I got an email from a former professor from SIUE today that reminded me how disciplined, pleasant, and bright I am. He wants to have me help him organize some things at his home for pay. I feel that this man can offer me the guidance I have been looking for.


On top of that, there is an author who is looking for my partnership with his new book coming out in February. I’m not sure where this is all headed, but God needs me to remain unemployed right now. With much discussion over the past couple weeks, I’m closing the door on the nanny biz. God has given me way too many talents and abilities (aside from my performance skills) to change diapers for a living. I don’t know what I’m being called to do, but I know I will figure it out soon enough. Nannying helped me make money when I was waiting to move to LA, but that is no longer the case and I need to figure out what I am being called to do.


After dealing with my dad’s death and realizing how utterly important my faith is to me, my eyes have been re-opened to what mattered most to me before I ever asked myself that simple question of my career path…love.


Not romantic love. But family, friends, and love for all of God’s people. If I have learned anything throughout these past few weeks, it is that life is very precious and it can be taken away so quickly. I don’t want to waste any moment pursuing a life full of stress or anger in the entertainment industry. I do want to take my life to help others and change hearts and lives. I do want a husband, house, and children. When it comes down to it, that is all that matters in life. Your family, your friends, your faith, and your health. Everything else is just filler until you get to be with the ones you love.


Maybe I’ve had an epiphany. Maybe it’s a revelation. Whatever it is, I have grown up and opened my eyes to what is truly important in life and it’s not money or your career. It’s the people God places in your life that makes those other things enjoyable. I will no longer allow myself to be brainwashed by society’s timeline or society’s plan for our lives.


What makes you happy? I guarantee you it is not a thing.


I may not know what I wanna be when I grow up in the world’s terms, but I do know that I want to be a strong, faithful woman of God who lives her life to glorify Him and help change lives around her. Details to follow…until He brings me the answer.


In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this precious life by taking it all one day at a time.


That’s all we can really do anyway.


Peace and Love.

At 23, I should be planning a wedding, not a funeral...

So these past few days have been the longest yet fastest days of my life. I can't believe it's already Thursday. I feel like I blinked and it went from Monday to today in just the matter of seconds. But at the same time, I feel like this whole ordeal has been hanging over my head for forever and a day. Each day that passed brought more news and more closure in some odd way. But I'm still finding myself in the heaviest daze and still questioning when I will wake up and the nightmare will finally be over.

Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*

On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.

*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.

I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).

So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!

There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:

“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)

My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)

I leave you with this prayer:

"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)

Peace & Love.

Breaking free from the curse of this family...

My father was bound by alcohol and pornography and very quickly became very lost. The devil had my dad by the throat and the evil that suffocated my dad came to an end Sunday night/Monday morning.

With all the specifics still under investigation, my dad was murdered Sunday night in one house and his body was set a-blaze in a burning house across the street in Washington Park. I don't know who was out to get him, but he was involved in something terrible that eventually lead to his death. His stripper girlfriend is under investigation, but they are trying to make sure he wasn't involved in drugs (I'm pretty sure he wasn't because I would have known about that or found something around the house that made it apparent). I know this doesn't sound real, but it's been on the news and in the paper and I can't even explain to you how much of a daze I have been in since yesterday.

I found out yesterday afternoon about all of this and I finally have the courage to talk about it on here because it's much bigger than just my dad's death. I write this not only to grieve and comprehend what just happened, but to tell everyone that I am here for anyone who's life has been bruised and torn because of alcohol or has had a struggling and complicated relationship with their father.

College is the worst thing to happen to kids when it comes to it's promotion of alcohol and partying. Young people become desensitized to drinking and driving or excessive drinking. I was one of those young people who didn't think twice about getting behind a wheel after a few too many cocktails. "I'll be fine. I'm fine." And the next morning, I couldn't remember how I got home and realized I was NOT fine. I would put myself in a situation where I KNEW the driver was drinking whether in the car or after a night of bar-hopping. I look at these decisions and want to smack myself and all of my friends around me who are guilty of this. IT'S NOT SAFE!!!!!!! You could kill someone and yourself! Wake up!!!!!

Along with drinking and driving, I've been guilty of compromising my morals and getting involved in activities with men who were not my boyfriend, and more specifically not my husband. It's not good when you don't remember how you got in his bed or what you 2 even did that night or how about this question...did he where a condom? Oh God, am I pregnant?!

I didn't drink that much in college, and my friends know that, but I still feel like I could have been headed down a very difficult road if I wasn't careful. Luckily I had a mom and friends to keep me in check and a God who all watched over me with every stumble and mistake.

I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to say anything about this because of legal reasons, but this was my dad, and IS my life and my story. The funeral arrangements cannot be made until they know for sure the details. They legally can't have a funeral without an exact cause of death or death certificate. I'm not looking forward to reliving all of these emotions that day, that's for sure.

With all of that said, I am forever thankful for my support system who came to my aid last night. Bless you all for stopping by or calling. I don't know what I'd do with all of you. Including Paul. He was by my side the entire night holding me and comforting me until I fell asleep. My boss is allowing me all the time I need to rest and grieve. She doesn't know about any of this because I only was told that he was in an accident and I assumed it was a car accident. I only wish it was that simple. There really is evil in this world and I want to work my entire life to stay far away from any of it. I suggest you ask yourself if that next drink truly is worth it if you are beginning to lose any self control.

I love you all too much to see anything like this happen to you and your family.

Be careful and know that God loves you because you are His children. He doesn't want to see anything like this happen to you. But when we take our lives into our own hands and don't listen to God, He can't help you any longer. There's only so many times He can try to stop you from killing yourself before it's just too late.

Sadly, it was too late for my dad. He was too far gone and couldn't be saved.

Don't ever let that happen to you. And I will try my hardest to step in if I become worried about you.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I'll be praying for all of you children of alcoholics. My heart is aching for you too.

Peace and love.

For those who love me...

you will understand.

If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.

And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.

I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.

Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.

And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!

I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...

God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.

So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"

So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.

I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.

So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.

Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.

The best things in life aren't THINGS!

Jesus Placed the Highest Value on Relationships by Tom Holladay

Regarding life together and getting along with each other, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You’re God-taught in these matters. Just love one another! 1 Thessalonians 4:9 (MSG)

I don’t remember the time or the place or the conference, but the question the moderator asked has stuck in my mind. What I recall most vividly is the answer that immediately flashed into my thoughts.

Here is the question: Suppose you’re in a rubber life raft with a friend. You’re approaching an island. The raft is leaking, and you are within sight of land. In the raft with you are a set of signal flares, a week’s supply of canned food, and a five gallon container ofwater. You must throw one of these items overboard if you’regoing to make it to the island. Which one do you choose?

I have to admit, the first answer that hit me was “the friend.” Now don’t sit there with a pious “I’ve never thought anything like that” look! This silly thought that leaped into my mind was a reminder of how easy it is to value things over people. And who among us hasn’t struggled with that feeling?Priorities become most important when we must make choices. If we had enough time to do everything, everything could be a priority.

But we don’t have enough time to do everything. If we had the power to do every good thing we wanted to do, our choices wouldn’t be so important. But we can’t do every good thing we want to do. When Jesus spoke about the priority of relationships, he could not have been clearer. He taught that relationships must be given the highest of values."

I read this article this morning as one of my daily devotionals I receive through emails. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile now. But only because I WANT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS OVER THINGS! In Fall 2007, I trained myself to stop reaching out to others who didn't want my love and dove into thinking about my acting career 24/7. Ask any of my really close friends and they will tell you that I never shut up about LA. You should see my bookshelf! I have an entire shelf dedicated to books on the biz and acting. Thank you amazon.com! ;) For over a year, I turned my my mind and heart towards something that I could throw all of my passion and drive into only to realize just NOW that my career will NEVER love me back. Yes, I will have successes, but that's because of God's precious love, not the business' love.

Don't get me wrong, my calling to become an actress is still very important to me, but now that I have found true love (for REAL) from God, my family, my friends, and now most importantly Paul, I finally see the big picture. And it has nothing to do with my career. It has EVERYTHING to do with my very precious relationships. When I'm lying on my death-bed, I won't be holding my Oscar, but my dear ones' hands. Within the past 6 months, I have prioritized a lot of things (slowly but surely). God became number one again after about 4 years (thank you college) of being on and off the path. I do value higher education, but I don't like what it can do to young people's lives when they do not prepare themselves for it. If they are not careful, they can get strangled by society's timeline and by the world's opinions, morals, and standards.

I became someone else. I made decisions that compromised my morals and lived in a manic depressive state most of the time. The true Emily disappeared for a long time and I felt like I was going through life gasping for air. I'm so glad I can finally breathe again. That's what graduating was like. 17 years of strangling and struggling for a breath of air now over, a chance to make my own decisions for once, and the freedom to see life in a beautiful, STRESS-FREE light. I cannot express myself enough to you all how wonderful life is now that school (the institution of education NOT education itself) is not in my life.

I'm grateful for the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and I would be a fool if I did not pursue this career full force and use all of those talents and abilities to their fullest potential. But that pursuit with NEVER come before God, Paul, my family, my church, or my friends.
With that said, I have an audition tomorrow that will be my focus for most of the day, but when it doesn't need to be on my mind, I'll be using my time praying and thinking about Paul.

3 more days until I hold him in my arms. Thank God.

Peace & Love.

Open and Honest.

I am just going to go right out there and be completely open and honest about what has been going on in my mind lately...

Marriage.

Yes, I know, I haven't been with Paul very long to be thinking about this, but I am thinking about it. And I won't apologize for it. I'm not MAKING myself think about marrying him. I feel it in my heart with utter certainty that this is the most truthful thing I have ever believed in my entire life. And just as Genesis 1 & 2 discuss, God made man to have a counter-part...a woman, a wife. So I know that this longing is of God. The relationship itself is of God because neither one of us looked for each other. He was called to grow up in that church and I was called to eventually attend that church and to remain there for at least a year. I made my decision to stay in STL before I ever truly knew Paul. And now I see more than ever, that Paul was the reason I was supposed to stay. It is such a blessing and he is truly my gift from God.

My mom said something to me last night that really stood out to me: "Why do you care what other people think of you, Emily?"

She ran into a guy I had a huge crush on a little while ago (who pretty much dropped me on my butt before I even knew what happened) and wanted to rubbed it in his face that I was so in love and happy. She wanted to tell him that I was engaged. I immediately got defensive. Mom! I don't want people thinking that! They'd all think I was crazy! They know I've only been with Paul a few weeks and then they'd think I was insane if I was ALREADY engaged!!!

I now look at her question to me and realize...I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S YOU-KNOW-WHAT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME!!!! If they can't find it deep down in their own being that we all long to find our soul-mates and want to argue with me that love follows a timeline, then they don't need to be any part of my life. My mom told me that she's never seen me this happy before in my life. Not even when I was in high school with Rob did I glow like this. My grandpa said that he enjoyed being around me and talking with me. "There's something different about her." I have not made this relationship the center of my universe (that spot is reserved for God) but I give 110% to EVERYTHING in my life. And right now, this relationship needs my attention. It's very important to me and I want to nurture it so it can grow into something so amazingly beautiful and pure to remain that way for the rest of my life.

So what if I've decided that this is the man I'm going to marry already! If you love me, you'll be so utterly happy that I've found him! If you think that I'll be throwing away my career if I get married within a year, then you obviously don't know me. I'm a very strong woman capable of balancing much more than one thing at a time. I have never understood something this much ever before in my life.

With all of that said, I feel like I need to say something about society's little timeline. I know with my whole being that Paul would propose to me today if he could. He already started looking at rings a few days ago and marriage seems to be on his mind (he asked me to read 1 Corinthians 7 Sunday night). I think a major reason he will wait several more months is because of society's timeline. I'm sure he's worried about what certain people think about all of this (our parents think it's wonderful, but I think it's just everyone else that probably doesn't even matter in the end). He'll be 19 December 1st and we will have been together just a mere 3 weeks on Sunday. Yep, you can think I'm crazy...go right ahead. I really don't care what you think. I'll be 23 years old in about a month. I'm pretty sure I'm adult enough to make decisions like this.

So that's what goin on in the old noggin. I'm still moving to LA within a year. I'm under contract with the family I nanny for to give them 1 year. That decision was ironically also made before Paul and I were together. God's timing is perfect, isn't it?

I found this picture online with a really amazing article that seemed to put all of what was going on in my mind into perspective.
Apparently other people are on my side with this one...
Thanks or listenin and lovin me always.
Peace.

Keepin' the light switch turned ON!

Today's message was really good for my spirit. I needed it.

I'm in such a wonderful place in my life that I realized how content and relaxed I've become with everything. I don't stress or worry my life away. I just be...exist...am. It's a good feeling to feel this much at peace.

But there are always small things that seem to rise up to the surface and the enemy will try to poke holes in your amazing living situation. I grew up with financial strain and it has never really ever disappeared. Yes, I DO have a job now, but that doesn't make money just POOF into my bank account to get rid of my negative balance. It's going to take a little time to get back on track. So I could freak out about my financial situation or just believe that it will all work out in the end. Which is the way I think I'm supposed to live my life....

But it gets really tough sometimes!

I moved out of my alcoholic father's house this weekend to my grandpa's upstairs. I now have my own living space and my shoulders are free from all that weight that I carried every day wondering what I would have to pull my dad out of next. I've chosen to stay here until I move to LA. Gas is going down and I have faith that it will remain this low, so I will save on so much more money because of that. I would be putting so much money into rent for pretty much nothing then. I'm really not that far away from things. I have had to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere my whole life, so why couldn't I handle another year of it? I can handle it and I will! :)

This decision is going to help me save so much more money for things that I can't even see yet. An AFTRA contract? (details to follow after this weekend, I promise). Car insurance in my own name for once? A dress (of the white pursuasion)? New clothes that actually fit and don't make me feel fat?

I feel break-through happening. I'm in the midst of it now, and it's just going to keep getting better and better! This is I know for sure! I'm keeping my light switch turned on and the devil is going to have to tackle me to the ground to turn it off!

God spoke something very significant to me this morning at church. I don't want to say too much about it quite yet because I want it to manifest itself before I tell everyone. Let's just say that people from the west coast will see what Miss Emily Rose Mollet is made of this weekend! "There is just something about her...there is just this glow about her that makes me feel really good! I really like this girl! Let's pick her!"

Walk in faith, not by sight!

I WILL see this come to pass and I WILL live out my dreams...just you wait!

It's happening now and I'm thanking Him as every second passes.

I love you all.

Peace.

Lookin' ahead way too much...

So I'm not sure why I am looking so far ahead all of a sudden. I'm planning things that haven't even begun yet in hopes that I might "get ahead of the game." God made me a very goal-oriented person, but sometimes I forget not to get too carried away. And I'm pretty sure I'm getting carried away.

It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!

When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?

I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!

Could life get any better? Honestly.

I had an amazing weekend with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and my church family. But I'm going to just say I've had the most amazing 2 weeks actually!

Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:

#1 I'm growing in my faith more and more everyday
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!

So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!

Then yesterday, Paul and I sat through our very first service together at church. It was really special to sit next to him and hold his hand during the message. Each time something pertained to him and I, we squeezed each other's hand and smiled at one another, silently praising God for all that He has given us and continues to give us. I was so happy for Sarah to show up too! It was so great to see her sitting next to us. After service Paul and I headed to Red Robin to meet his parents for lunch. I was a little nervous, but really excited for this step in our relationship. It means a lot to me if I'm accepted by his family. We had a wonderful time chatting and telling funny stories of when he was younger. It was fun. One of my favorite moments of the day was after lunch. We took a walk in Fenton Park together in the gorgeous weather God planned for us!

I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.

I love you all.

Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!

Oh Barbara...

So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.

Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:

So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.

So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.

It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.

So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)

Thanks. I love you all.

Peace & Love forever.

Falling into place

I cannot even begin to describe the weekend I have just experienced. I think I could talk about it step by step, but it would never capture the true meaning of it all. Let’s just say I was given a gift this weekend worth more than anything I could have ever imagined. I was given a chance to discover my soul-mate.

Yes, to many, that statement sounds utterly ridiculous. But I know in my heart that it is truth. Complete truth. Perfect TRUTH. Paul, the “wee lil guy,” the young 18 year old I met at church back in August and just now got a chance to truly get to know him, is my soul-mate and we have fallen completely head over heels for each other. And the awesome part of this news is that WE did not do anything to make it happen. It was GOD. All God. When it’s God, it’s easy…it’s effortless.

Paul and I spent a total of 22+ hours talking to one another from Thursday-Sunday..all in person. Over this time-span, we not only learned more about each other, we learned that God had wired us for one another. We did not have to create anything because it was already there, our hearts waiting for one another’s chance meeting. He grew up in that church and longed for the day when his one and only would walk through that door. As he grew weary and was feeling somewhat discouraged, he dove into serving. Since the age of 6 years old, he worked in the TV department and has recently became the head of the department. What my mom saw on TV that wonderful morning was because of Paul’s service and his loyal heart to God. If my mom never saw Pastor David that morning on TV, we would never be members of Faith Church and I would have never met Paul. If I wasn’t wearing my silver shoes that another girl had as well that “made our feet smell,” I would have never met Morgan who then would have never introduced me to Paul back in August. It all falls into place. All the pieces are coming together.

If I listed all of the qualities I have longed for in a man right now, Paul would exceed all of them. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is all I have ever dreamed of, prayed for, hoped for. He is that true love I always searched for. The problem was the searching and the solution was surrendering my life to God. One week ago, I let go of so much pain and frustration that I had been holding onto for so many years. The very same night I did that, Paul asked me for my number and the rest is history. So much rests in your faithfulness towards God. If you listen and patiently wait, He will bring it all to you. Not in your time, but in His time. 7 days. He created the world in 7 days. We’ll never be able to wrap our heads around that concept. But I’ll just continue to praise Him because of that.

I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I do know I will remain in faith. I will forever be a servant for God. Since last night, the idea of pursuing my dreams and having Paul in my life has been dancing around my head and weighing heavy on my heart. We both know that God wouldn’t allow us to find each other and then tear us a part. The only known is the unknown and above all, we must remain in faith and KNOW things will all work out even if we cannot fathom HOW they will play out. God is a much better planner than either he or I could ever be and I trust He will pave a way for us to both follow our dreams as individuals and as a couple. I’ve never believed people were made up of half of person and when they found their soul-mate, their “other half,” they were finally complete. I believe God has already made them complete when they allow themselves to have a strong relationship with Him. When two people come together, their union is so strong, NOTHING can break them a part. They come together as two WHOLE individuals with dreams and aspirations and they never stop living their own life, but learn how to share each other’s experiences together. Paul’s dreams become MY dreams and my dreams become PAUL’S dreams because we love one another SO MUCH. This is something I pray will happen for us. I talked to God about all of that this morning and also about why I wanted to be an actress. Since reading Purpose Driven Life, I’ve been figuring out more and more about my calling. God spoke to my heart this morning that calmed my worries. He told me:

Emily, I have given you your talents and abilities for a reason. You are not supposed to hide those talents from anyone or use them for personal pleasure or gain. You are supposed to share them with the world. You must learn how to serve in the church because it is very important to me, but most importantly, you are to serve in the world. You must be the light in all of the darkness. And Hollywood and Broadway are contaminated with evil and darkness. I want you to spread the news that they are not alone and that they no longer have to endure suffering and pain. And that there is a way…Jesus. I want you to be my strong Christian actress. You know that you are not OF this world, but I do ask you to live IN it. That is why you are here…I ask you to GO UNTO THE WORLD and share my message. The Bible says, "Go unto the world and preach the Gospel to every creature, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things and lo. I am with you always unto the end of the world."(Mathew 28: 19-20). Tell them about me. Share your talents that I have blessed you with. Not just your performing talents, but your heart, soul, and mind. Share with them who I have molded you into. Use your acting abilities to bring peace in their hearts. That they are not alone in this world. That they have brothers and sisters in the Lord who fall down just as they do. You will know what projects to choose because I will send them your way. You will know what projects go against your heart and morals. You will take what is going on in the world and know how to make change. You will bring hope and peace to so many hurting people. You are only one person, but each heart that you change matters to me.

I ask you to stay here in St. Louis to practice this difficult task. You are in preparation here. You will know when it is time to move to the next level. It’s going to seem very difficult and frightening to leave all that you have grown to know and love, but I have blessed you with very supportive friends and family members who will be there to hold you up when you are too tired or doubtful that this is your purpose. And you always have me. Because of that, I make it seem effortless. Most recently, I have sent Paul to you because He will be that strong masculine figure you’ve been asking for. He will prove to you that all the pain you’ve endured with men in your past no longer has to exist in your future. But remember to enjoy the present with him. Both of you will be so excited for things to come because I have given you the gift of certainty with this relationship. Don’t let that certainty overpower all the rest of your uncertainty that I ask you to take the time to pray over. I don’t want you to know all of the answers right away because I want you to look to me for the answers. And I do know them. You just need to be patient and listen.

Paul IS your soul-mate, Emily. You know this in your heart. He is everything you’ve been asking for, everything you’ve been hoping for, everything that you’ve been praying for. This is a gift I have given you because you have chosen to listen to me. You heard me ask you to stay. There are many gifts I have given you so far and many to come because of this decision. But Paul is something I know you’ve wanted your entire life. Something much bigger than a successful career or financial freedom. He is your one, true love. The true love you’ve asked me for time and time again. He will be by your side while you are in preparation here in the Midwest and by your side wherever I ask you to go. He will be another support for you because he truly believes I have placed this dream in your heart. Your passion for the talents I have given you and this dream will mean so much more because you now have a partner to experience it all with. Your relationship will blossom into something you cannot even imagine yet. It feels utterly amazing now and words will never be able to describe what it will be. I know you have a big heart full of love and you will love him unconditionally until the end of time. He will forever give you the same in return.

So REJOICE, REJOICE and be exceedingly glad! This is a time to tell the world about me and about what I have given you. Share your story: your struggles, your hardships, your pain…but most importantly, share your blessings. Let others know that it can happen if they are joyful, patient, obedient servants. Thank you for continuing to grow in Christ. And thank you for listening. You will never regret it.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Leaving it, Letting it Go, Letting it Drop...FINALLY & FOR REAL THIS TIME!

So this morning I am chillin, listenin to some good tunes. These are the last days of my unemployment…I can feel it.

I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.

I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.

I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”

What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.

So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:

I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)

I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!

Patience. YES YOU MUST WAIT!

I gotta a phone call yesterday morning from my nanny agency telling me to expect a phone interview that night with a potential employer. AWESOME! Only problem is...they never called.

So I know they were impressed my my resume and they are really excited to talk to me, I just don't know when that's gonna happen. So I must wait by my phone all day for the next few days. I'm trying to continue to stay positive, it's just the waiting that's killing me! They don't need me until November, so I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to know I have a job or not. Wait! I know why...because I have a small fear of the unknown! Yes, yes, that's it!

So...it's a wonderful thing that I even get an interview. I need to keep telling myself that. I've been struggling with finding a job since the end of August, so this is great for me to get a chance to be secure and comfortable with my finances finally.

Onto my other career...my acting career...I'm lining up auditions and readings left and right and also performing in a play and eventually filming an indie movie. So, I think I'm doing a good job with remaining active and I feel as if I'm allowed to call myself an actor. I'm not sitting on my butt until something happens, I'm working on making things happen every day.

I'm hearing great things from people in the biz and I'm excited to see where it leads me. Good things are gonna happen to me!

Always on my heart.

So sometimes when I least expect it, I hear God's still voice. A lot of times it's when I'm in the shower or in the bathroom at all. I wonder why that is...maybe it's because there aren't any distractions in there and whatever activities are done in there are pretty basic and second-nature. Too personal? Oh well, we all poop and take showers. Get over it. :)

If anyone knows me they know I'm extremely driven and goal-oriented. This is tough for a Christian because we are taught to surrender our lives to Christ and to let God have the pen to our life-story. When things aren't going the way I would like them to, it's really tough not to fight God for the pen or find my own pen and become a CO-AUTHOR with God. That's just silly to even TRY to compare myself to such a master writer. Something that I really enjoy about God's presence in my life is when He puts a goal in my heart and He sends me mental pictures of what they look like. Not to sound conceited, but I see myself walking down the red carpet at award shows and later giving that infamous speech that I've practiced every time I watch the Emmy's, Oscar's, Tony's, Grammy's, etc on the TV. I see myself belting it out behind the footlights on the stage at the August Wilson Theater on Broadway. I see my face and my bio on the back of my latest novel in Borders. I see me in the recording studio with the headphones singing the Lord's praises on my up and coming Praise and Worship album. It may sound crazy...but He would not give you talents and abilities and not let you use them to your fullest potential! So remember that.

With that said, one of my biggest goals and dream is to become a successful actress of both stage and screen. I've been planning my move to LA for over a year now. One of my obstacles to reach this objective was school. I tackled that one when I graduated in May from SIUE with my BA in Theater and Dance. Awesome! Now onto the next obstacle...MONEY! You need money and a lot of it if you want to be successful in a new city. Especially a big city like Los Angeles. And this obstacle has been kickin my butt since the end of August. God has provided for my basic needs and a little more, but so far, I have not found a solid job to go beyond my basic needs and save all the money it'll take to start a new life in LA.

God said this to me today: "Emily, I made you a very talented and driven YOUNG (youthful looking) woman and I will bring so much success to your life that you will never have to depend on anyone [especially a man] but me. You will have all of your needs met and more. So much so that you will be able to provide for your family and give back to them all that they have given you and more. You will be able to give back to your community and your church family. You will have more than enough. Your life will be overflowing with success and you will live your life in abundance! Because of your youthful looks, it won't matter how long it takes you to reach that success in your acting career. Time is not running out for you. In fact, as you age, you will understand your craft more because of your maturity and life experiences that I have allowed to happen to you. You will continue to learn and grow from every fall and every step that you take."

Wow.

If that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what does! That's how much our God loves us. He will take care of you! Don't compare your path with anyone else ever again. Your path will be so utterly unique and colorful. Because of that you will find so many rewards in life.

When I allowed myself to let all of that sink in, I realized that there is no rush anymore. I actually ENJOY what's happening right now, right now in front of me. Maybe there is a HUGE reason God is asking me to stay here in IL. And I won't know what it is until it happens or I'm happily living life in LA and I can look back and be glad I stayed. It could be one BIG thing or it could be so many small things that add up to a wonderful life. I can make a list right now of all the things that have happened to me and they all make me really excited to see what else is to come. With all the good, the enemy continues to throw all the bad my way. I keep knocking it down with my faith in our Creator.

I discuss my faith on here because it's very important to me and right now it's what I depend on to get through these difficult times. There's not a day that goes by that I do not link what's happening in my life with God's grace. I express it through my words to shred some light on my issues and maybe to help someone else get through their own struggles.

I'm in a good mood despite all the hardships going on right now. I guess the good mood has a lot to do about feeling protected by my heavenly Father. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

I love you all. You're all precious to me.