Build my house on ROCK, not SAND!

This truck was in front of me after church on Sunday morning...it says "Jesus Christ is Lord not a swear word" I decided to take a quick pic with my camera phone.

You know I've always loved that song "On Christ the solid rock I stand, for other ground is sinking sand!" But I never took the time to really focus on the lyrics.

In the last entry, I talked about living your life for something bigger than yourself...GOD! And I talked about how I live with more peace and less worry now...because I've been building my life on a more solid foundation.

Well, the enemy has surely begun to shake my house and he's trying to break loose my foundation, most definitely. I did not start my day very well yesterday because I received a text from my boss telling me that I did not have to go into work at all this week..."the hours really won't work for me this week." I can't afford to not work and sit at home scratching my head as to what I should do next! I need income. I've planned a budget as to how I'm going to pay my bills and when that paycheck isn't coming, I'm rushing to find a way out!

So because our God is an awesome God, I got many calls last week and yesterday for potential jobs and I couldn't take them on because I was already hired somewhere else. But this job that I have now is very flexible. The mother doesn't work and she only needs me for errands and things that pop up. Well, I need a more stable job. I will stay with this job until I find that. As of right now, there is a woman in Edwardsville that I'm supposed to hear back from tonight and I already heard back from another family that my nanny agency lined up for me. The problem with the woman in Edwardsville is that she was only willing to pay $8/hr for 3 kids and the problem with the one that my nanny agency lined up for me is all the way in Maryland Heights! That's an hour drive and it may only be a 3 month gig. I'd be jobless again by March. Hmm...
I also found another job on care.com in Fairview Heights, which would only be a 20 minute drive for me and it's only 1 kid. She needs someone by October 13th. I really need to let these 2 other families know by the end of this week. I'm in a predicament.

But I must have faith that this is God's plan for me. The reason I got soooo upset yesterday was because I was trying to control everything. I was trying to put the plan in this little box so I could move to LA when I WANT TO! But I don't think that's how it's gonna work. God knows otherwise. He knows a better way than my own.

So I'm hoping it all falls together this week. And if not, I know God has other plans for me. Perhaps staying with my current job and just sticking it out. Who knows.

I DO know that I'm having a good time with the suprises that come with living in the present. I got to help out at church last night making up a live video for this Sunday's service and had an absolute blast! I'll go work out later and then to rehearsal and hopefully the whole job situation will be taken care of with the woman in Edwardsville. If not, God has other plans. All I know is that this weather is abolutely gorgeous and I love having my windows open!

Peace, Love, & Joy!

Who are you living for?

This morning's message at Faith Church was centered around the concept of pride. Immediately my ears perked up and I felt God's hand on my heart. I had just apologized to a very dear friend of mine because of my lack of listening. I never thought I was full of pride though. And I was in for a very rude awakening this morning.

Every interuption, every "story-topper," every eagerness to talk about MY problems, all of this is centered in pride. And this is the main reason some people in this world are terrible listeners. When I'm listening to a friend's story, I hear it, but I don't fully listen to it because I'm too busy thinking how this particular story relates to my life or what I'm going to say next. By the time they've finished, or if they even get to finish because I might interupt them, the topic moves to something that pertains to my own life and not theirs. Why is that? I love people. I have a big heart full of love for every human being who crosses paths with me...so why am I so self-involved? I believe it's because I'm so worried about understanding myself that it's not enough for my own self to figure it out, I must go to others to discuss it with them in hopes that they can help me figure it out. But that is so selfish! I'm not getting down on myself, but I know this a major flaw of mine. And God was holding up the mirror this morning. I needed to hear this message.

Now, I've realized the deeper I grow in my faith, the more I see how fragile life can be and how quick it can pass you by. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and wanting so badly to learn how to live in the present, but it wasn't until I realized there was a huge lacking in my relationship with God, that I began to see life so differently. I no longer have to TRY to live in the present, I just live it. I just am. I just exist...I be. I don't think a book, especially that of the world, can teach you how to take advantage of every precious moment. So since I've come into this new lifestyle, I've become at peace and with less worry. It is a major blessing. And I wonder why so many people are so opposed to God? I am open about my faith on here and in daily conversations and I get the same thing: "Oh, that's just not my thing. I'm not really into that..."

Well, I have to ask...WHAT ARE YOU INTO? WHO ARE YOU LIVING FOR? WHY DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

I actually asked this question to someone a few weeks ago because I sensed their pain. They told me that they were living for themselves? "Is it a crime to love oneself?" they asked me. It's good to be comfortable with who you are, but you should not make yourself the center of your own universe. I'm learning how to reach out to others and forget about my own petty troubles. Believe me, I'm working on it as much as possible. But most people who walk in pride don't even know they are walking it it! Be glad that you notice the problem...it means you can work towards fixing it! There are many people out there seriously hurting, but some of us (including myself) are so focused on our own agendas sometimes that we completely miss their cries for help.

I don't understand how some people don't see that there is something MUCH BIGGER than us out there. America's economy is failing. There is no doubt about it. Americans are worshipping the money god and OUR GOD is trying to wake us up by allowing this failing economy to happen. How do you get a child's attention that is so engrossed in the TV? You unplug it! God is just unplugging the money machine because He wants us to wake up and see that He is in charge! It makes me sick how we are all worried about Lindsey Lohan's potential lesbian partner or that so-and-so got kicked off of American Idol. When you really take the time to think about it...it's almost pathetic. No wait, it is pathetic. I've been guilty of it too. I'll include myself in all the mix. But I no longer want to live for this system. Because the world's system is failing. I'm switching systems...God's system. God will continue to provide even when you think it is all crumbling down around you. You lost your job? God will send something to you in time. Are you hungry and flat broke? Your grandpa will give you his last $3 to go buy a cheeseburger (happened to me the other day, no joke) and God will wink at you...if you choose to see life that way. Did your boyfriend cheat on you...did he break your heart? God will mend that broken heart and show you that the hole in your heart will be filled by Him, if you let Him. He will bring the man of your dreams into your life and you will be happier than you ever imagined. All of these things will happen to you if you have faith and believe! Miracles happen every single day. You will only notice them if you choose to believe in them. Open your eyes and see His glory around us!

How can you drift through life without something...someone to live for? Your self will eventually break down and you will be lost. I know someone who knows the way and He loves you so much. His name is J-E-S-U-S.

So what are you waiting for? There is a void in all of our hearts. That void will remain in your heart no matter how much you fill it with sex, drugs, alcohol, impulsive shopping...those things only feel good for a little while. God put that void there so we could fill it with Him. I don't know about you, but I want that void to remain full so that I can live my life with Peace, Joy, and Love.

I know this may sound weird, but I don't think that was all me speaking...God is good my friends.

I call you blessed.

Peace, Joy, & Love.

Just around the corner, I will find it...

It's been exactly one month since I became unemployed. Somehow God continues to provide and I make it out just fine. It's coming...I can feel it!

I actually cannot stop laughing right now. I JUST, I am telling you JUST got a phone call from one of the ladies I contacted about nannying for them!!! I have an interview/trial-run tomorrow at 3pm. The woman was oh so nice and I'm really excited for this! YAY YAY YAY!!!!

God is good my friends, God IS OH SO GOOD! LOL

I was just complaining about how it's exactly 1 month and the phone rings. How perfect His timing is!

Aside from that, I continue to make connections with people in the business and I'm not even searching for them! Apparently there is a couple in our church that have been actors for over 20 years and are connected with Channel 9 here in St. Louis! The woman in charge of the dramas at church wants to introduce me to them as well! And I was on the phone with one of my nanny placement coordinators and she told me about her husband who is a playwright. His plays are performed all around the world! Thumbs up for God's amazing timing and plans!

Peace, Love, & Joy!

In due time...

I can't seem to stop thinking about finding a job. It'll be 1 month on Monday since I lost my job, and I've applied at over 20 different places and nothing seems to be working out. I got offered a job Wednesday night by a really lovely family, but it would only be 15 hours a week. When I calculated how much I should be getting paid, it was at $13 an hour. This does not include gas reimbursement. I'm wondering if $16 an hour would be asking too much? Or at least $250 a week? I think I might talk to them today and see what they think.

I figured I could get this job and find another part-time job on Tuesday and Thursday or even remain open for some temporary nanny gigs from Childcare Solutions. Hmm...sure....

The sermon on Sunday night talked about PASSION. Pastor David said, "Passion can do more than money ever could!" So I look at making $250 a week and think, Well...I can manage with that much a month, right? As long as I have at least $5,000 by the time I move to LA, I'm fine! I'll be able to find a solid nanny gig out there and be set making up to $20 an hour!

So now, I feel a little more confident with everything. If this is it, then I would feel a little more at ease. I would just like to get that worry and stress off of my chest. I don't mind having a little stress, but the idea of being unemployed for a couple more months is driving me up a wall! If I could get out of here by next summer with at least $5,000 under my belt, a couple more credits on my resume, I would feel so much better about this decision to stay here for a little while longer. I will continue to pray and be patient, but God has put the desire to pursue this career in my heart and I want to put Hollywood on fire for God! That is what I feel is my mission. Hollywood needs good, honest, loving people to clean up all the mess we have put ourselves in as a society and culture. I want to be at least one of those people to help!

Anyway, one day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time...

Onward and upward.

Peace, Love, & Joy always.

I get so wrapped up and so burnt out

As always, my life moves way too quickly even for myself.

I've chosen to remain single, despite my own best efforts to complicate my life with a serious relationship that asks of the future way too much. And I'm honestly happy with my decision. If someone that knew me a year or more ago read that last statement, they probably would have to close their mouth because their jaw was hanging open. Yeah, I know, it was something I thought I wanted more than anything. But oddly enough, it's not the case anymore.

I've been trying my hardest to listen to my spirit. Even if I don't believe I hear anything, I still try.

I'm trying to figure out what God wants for my life. It'll be a month since I lost my job next week, and I'm still hanging on with the strongest belief that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. I heard back from someone yesterday and now it's just the matter of exchanging contact info to set up an interview. I'm praying oh so hard that this one is it and that the days work out to where I can still help out in church. I would be working 3-4 nights a week until 9pm, so this means no rehearsals. I'm not too worried about singing in the band anymore. I would just be happy with singing during offering or at the women's meetings or something like that. So a job IS coming my way. It WILL happen!

I've been stressing out so much that I have been slipping away from working out. I'm gonna try to get to the gym today, but it's just the matter of actually getting off of my butt to do it. I'll manage it. I'll get through it.

I'm trying to set my mind on like one thing, but it refuses to focus! Let's just say that my life always remains in a chaotic and complicated state. Human beings cannot exist without chaos. Especially THIS human being. But with God's grace, I will get through it.

Ah Thursday, what do I do on this gorgeous fall day? Work out, and then what? Hmmm....the options are endless when you are unemployed! Hahaha...

Peace and love.

So long darkness, hello light!

The phrase, "It's always the darkest just before the dawn" has been a supportive mantra in my life these past few months. I had been telling that to my friends all the time as I tried to help them through life's struggles and pain. But I guess because of my optimistic nature, I never noticed that this phrase held very true to my own life.

When I look back on events since high school that have really impacted my life, I have to say that it has been a really loooooonnnnggg 3 years. Not negative of course, but I was most definitely struggling to find myself in college. And as I now know more than ever before, I tried to find myself in relationships with men. I was an optimistic person, but I don't think I was truly happy with myself and so I looked for whatever and whoever I could to bring me that happiness. And as I've come to realize, you really cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself. I didn't have low self-esteem or anything (I understood I was blessed with good looks, a sense of humor, intelligence, and confidence in my abilities and talents), but I had VERY low self-respect and self-understanding. I compromised my morals in hopes of finding a man that made me feel whole and happy. I now know the only true "man" that can make anyone feel whole and full of joy, peace, and love is Jesus. But this is something I had to learn for myself.

I woke up this morning after an amazing night and weekend in my thoughts, and this song was playing on my computer (I fall asleep listening to music...always have since I was very little).

"So Long" by Natalie Grant

Mystified by the struggle
To survive my own pride
Haunted by the demons
Of my past life
Who am I and why do I
Are questions that keep running
Through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin
A brand new me is comin' out,
Comin' out from within

[Chorus:]
So long
Farewell to my old self
Good-bye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
(I know that) I've been born again
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone

So longApathy, hunting me
Like some contagious disease
Hypocrisy hiding in the shadows
Of the former me
Doin' what comes naturally
I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to, ready to be free

[Repeat chorus]

Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long

[Repeat chorus]

I just had to smile because this, above all, was my theme song for what has been going on within me these past few months. All I could keep saying to everyone was "I don't feel like the same person anymore. I'm changing somehow for the better..." I didn't know what was going on. I just knew God was shaping my heart and preparing me for something great.

And as I grow and learn more and more to listen to my spirit moreso than my flesh, I begin to see these great blessings in the smallest of wonders. And because of that awareness, I see my old ways of thinking in other people that come into my life and realize that I am no longer who I used to be...through and through. I am no longer future-minded. Don't get me wrong, I still organize and plan my goals because I am a goal-oriented person, and to acheive goals, you MUST look ahead and ask what are the next steps I have to take to get from Point A to Point B? I can now honestly say, I have become PRESENT-MINDED for probably the very first time in my life. And because of that I no longer worry or let stress or high emotions rule my life and my thinking. I have become at peace with myself and my surroundings because I take it in as it comes...moment to moment, glory to glory. How wonderful it feels to be able to say that!

My decisions, thoughts, and behaviors are based on this present-mindedness and my relationships are affected by it completely for the better. And I realize that this change that has occurred isn't as accepted by people who are closed-minded and weary of my beliefs as it is by my true friends. Some people see my decision to stay in southern IL a bit longer instead of pursing my dream in LA as ridiculous. "Why does she keep post-poning it? If she keeps pushing it back, she's never going to move and she will be stuck here forever and never accomplish anything. She's just all talk...trying to build herself up and prove that she can make it...well she's not proving anything!" I heard them say that this weekend. Ouch. These "friends" who I spent several years with at SIUE, building relationships with my peers in the department, and they think it is their business to tell me if I'm going to accomplish anything or not? Based on what...time? If I change my plans on something, this means I'm never going to do it? Really? Wow. They obviously don't know me. :)

I'm passionate, driven, and determined. I have confidence and ambition and just because I don't do this now (because society's timeline and the business says so) it means I'm never going to reach my goal? Well, my friends, if it is God today, it's gonna be God tomorrow! God has planted this desire in my heart and my dreams WILL be acheived. But God has also asked me to use my gifts and talents here in St. Louis just a little longer (and as each day passes, I begin to see why). If I have patience and respect towards my Maker, He will make sure my dreams and goals come to pass. And my friends, God's time will never be our time. :)

So as long as I know that my decision feels right, those who love me will understand and respect that. And that is that.

But back to that phrase...

There was a point in time, sometime late in my junior year, where I began enjoying my own company and became comfortable with myself. And when that happened, my friendships blossomed and strengthened so much! I started to have best friends again...people who I could call anytime I needed to talk (this took a huge burden off of my mother's shoulders, lol). God sent me some true angels to help me get through the mess I had put myself in (and you all know who you are...I hope). While they were all busy building me up, I learned how to be Emily again, a new and improved Emily though. Of course my weakness with attention from men got the best of me and I took some side paths for awhile, but somehow I managed to get back on track. Little by little, I started regaining my faith (I always believed in God but He didn't cross my mind as often as He should have). And now I can say that I have never been this genuinely happy in my entire life! I've been able to say that for about 6 months now and even more intensely, the past 3. I am full of peace, love, and joy. My angels helped build me up, but I wasn't able to stand on my own until Faith Church came into my life. Now I see myself becoming an angel to others. I can now selflessly give back to others what they gave to me. And God gives me the words to help calm their hearts and minds. He has changed my vision. I no longer have blinders on.

This change needed to happen to give me a clean slate. I speak of my past often not to carry around my baggage, but to use those experiences as inspiration and motivation for myself and others to see how far I've come. These past few weeks have been intense and trying on my spirit, but I kept my chin up and didn't give up. God would provide. God will make a way. Everything will work out eventually. Stay optimistic and take it one step at a time. I did all of this and I'm happy that I did. And last weekend was an experience that challenged all that I had worked for. I was tested several times. I did not give into temptation when Mr. Suave LA actor called for a "good time in the hot-tub," in fact, I didn't even call him back for a simple lunch because I felt a warning in my spirit. I did not give into my old ways even when a man (whom I felt a deep human connection with, but he had a troubled and complicated soul and a long-term girlfriend to match) randomly entered my life. I stayed strong and leaned on God for that strength. Yes, I was tested...and I PASSED!

You just have to learn to patiently take it one day at a time. Hold on through those dark times because your dawn is just around the corner.

I love you all.

Peace, Joy, and Love always.

Open your eyes to the signs from your Heavenly Father!

This cartoon made me laugh when I found it. How much easier would life be if God's signs were obvious like this one! But when it comes down to do it, life gets much easier when you open yourself up to receive those signs from God. Life only gets hard when you stray away from God's path and make your own way. The signs become more difficult to see when we are blinded by desires of the flesh and not the spirit.

God wants us to seek Him first. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

When God becomes the center of your entire life and you truly start living for His desires and not your own desires, you will begin to see how God's desires for you will become your desires for yourself. He knows you more than anyone because HE MADE YOU! He knows what you like and dislike. "God underscores His words to us by reminding us that He Himself made us. He knows His people (you) inside and out...the good, the bad and the ugly. He knows everything about you: your strengths and weaknesses, your gifts and talents, your history, your present and your future. He has created you uniquely special and He delights in you."-Rachel Anne Ridge

Now, I'm reminded of a story I read a long time ago at a retreat I attended at SLU:

Open Mind, Open Arms, Open Heart

"God, are you real?" the boy whispered.
"God, speak to me." But the boy did not hear.

So the boy yelled "God speak to me!" And the thunder rolled across the sky.
But the boy did not listen.

The boy looked around and said, "God, let me see you!"
And a star shone brightly.
But the boy did not notice.

So the boy shouted, "God, show me a miracle!"
And a life was born.
But the boy did not know.

So then the boy cried out in dispair, "God, touch me and let me know you are here!"
Whereupon God reached down and touched the boy.

But the boy brushed the butterfuly away and walked away unknowingly.

Take time to listen.

Often times, the things we seek are rightunderneath our noses.

Don't miss out on your blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

-Anonymous

Listen carefully to God's voice. He's speaking ot us daily in many different ways. Remember, God's ways are not our ways. And the way we think God will speak to us, may be entirely different from the way God chooses to speak to us. Always keep an open mind. If you would just take off those blinders and open yourself up to God's blessings, you would be blown away at how much God loves you! Life will become so much more fulfilling because you will be able to see God everywhere.

Now, I've been praying for a sign to figure out if I should move to LA or not. Thankfully I've allowed myself some time to truly listen to what God was trying to tell me instead of making any hasty decisions. Like I said before, LA was my total focus for over a year. It was all I talked about, thought about, read about, dreamt about...until now. I wake up thinking about God's blessings upon my life and I ask Him what I can do to spread His word and light today. Now, I haven't lost my passion for performing. I still adore acting, singing, and dancing, but those are things that I do, not who I am. Yes, I act, sing, dance, write, think, feel, laugh, cry, love, etc. but am I not any one of those things. They are the abilities that God has blessed me with and I will use them while I am here on this Earth to pursue my true purpose in life. And like I say all the time, I am constantly seeking to find that purpose. Instead of finding some huge, complicated idea, I've come to realize that everyone's purpose (if they are a believer) is to bring other's to God and live life in love because God=Love. I will use what He has given me to acheive that purpose. And I will take each precious day at a time to get there. Each step taken adds up to an amazing journey.

So, I'm not moving to LA for awhile, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I know I will because God has placed that desire in my heart. Just like He has placed the desire to be here in St. Louis for a little longer. I feel like He has so much more for me to do here first before I take the West Coast by storm! :) God is working some amazing things in my life right now and I can't wait to look back on it all and be so utterly glad that I stayed to bring life to these things!

*I want to start a mentor program (Big sister/Little sister and Big brother/Little brother kind of thing) with the youth at Faith Church St. Louis specifically dealing with relationship issues.
*I want to use my singing abilities with the Praise and Worship team at Faith Church St. Louis
*I want to use my acting abilities to help inspire the youth by discussing struggles that pertain to today's youth
*I want to strengthen my friendships with those that live here in St. Louis and learn to strengthen the friendships with those who live further away
*I want to strengthen my relationship with my family by spending more time with them

Yeah, so God is sending me some amazing opportunities to share His Love to His people and I am going to live for today.

And cue the theme song:

Live for Today by Natalie Grant
Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

(Chorus)
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way

I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

(Repeat Chorus)
Oh my oh so crazy life
Has got me spinnin around and 'round
Hangin' upside down
Takin one step at a time
Holding your hand all the way
And it'll be okay
I'm gonna live for today
Follow in your way
I will follow you



Amen!

Peace, Love, and Joy!

Open to interpretation

So, I'm learning every minute of every day to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to signs from God. Because I've been in such a huge transitional period in my life, I need to be open to every possibility that may come my way. I've always believed that God sends us angels to bless our lives and help guide us. I've discovered many angels throughout my lifetime, and I'd like to think that I have become one for others, if even for a short time in their life.

I received an email today from a dear friend who keeps my best interest at heart and truly understands me. He reaffirmed some of my solid beliefs and gave me a new sense of hope and confidence about this life-changing decision.

"I look around at some of my friends and they seem so much better off than I am. But, I learned a long time ago that money isn't the most important thing in life (but having it does make things easier :) ) and that there were certain things I was going to have to sacrifice if I was truly going to live a life worth living and not just settle and buy into the idea of the "normal American lifestyle". And despite my concerns and worry, there has always been enough money to get by. God provides and watches out for his children, sometimes even when we are running, doing whatever we want, and not paying attention to what he is trying to do/show/give us."

How true is that for so many of us! I'm in a financial mess right now, but I KNOW God will take care of me. I've been saying that for awhile now, and it was such a blessing to hear those words from a man that I respect so much.

And then he said this:
"You are a very goal-oriented person, Emily. Goal-oriented people tend to be very driven. That's not a bad thing. We should all have goals in life and work to achieve them. But, I've observed from people in my life that goal-oriented people sometimes get so caught up in the goals and the steps to reaching those goals, that they loose focus of the bigger picture. Though there are times I am goal-oriented, I'm very much more a visionary. I'm a dreamer. Visionaries have faults, too, e.g not completely thinking through plans all the time or not doing the right preparation, etc. Goal-oriented people and visionary people can learn things from each other because both need to be tempered by the other. Now here's my point: life's a journey, Emily. It's good to have a plan and set lots of goals, as long as you remember that things probably aren't going to work out exactly as you have them planned. You might miss that path off to the side of the paved trail that, though it takes longer to get where you want to go, actually is far more beautiful, exciting, and adventurous. Enjoy the journey and take it for what it is."

The "bigger picture." I've been driven to get to LA for over a year now. It became all I thought about, all I read about, all I talked about because it was my goal. My one big goal that I knew would happen because I would MAKE A WAY. I graduated and began the job hunt. I found a temporary summer job, but I barely got by. Ana and I then decided to push back the moving date because of money. I found a solid nanny job, making $450 or more a week...this was it! I would be able to save the money and pay off some major bills! This was working out! Then in less than 2 weeks, I lost that "perfect" job and have currently been unemployed since August 22nd. God is STILL providing though. I've been getting nanny gigs to help me get through this financial slump, but nothing consistent enough to save $5,000 in 4 months. But I was NOT going to lose hope. I'm doing this...I'm moving in January, even if I only have $3,000, I'm MOVING! I want this too badly!

Now with that mindset, I can see myself making bold choices and probably having just enough to move to LA. But would I be completely comfortable or how about happy? Would I truly be happy? Sure, I'd be pursuing my dream, but at the cost of so many things. I'd be leaving all of my friends, family, and church home when I'm just getting a chance to spend time with all of them after being away for 4 years wrapped up in college. So what is this "bigger picture?" I think it's when you decide to live your life for God and completely lose yourself in His story. For me, I'm learning, I want to take that "path off to the side of the paved trail." All of the pieces seemed to be falling into place with my journey to LA (except for the money issue), but I'm not sure if I want to take that "paved trail" quite yet. I feel like I have some business to take care of here first. When I move it will be permanent. I pack my stuff up and head out west for good, not just for a few months. I want to make sure I'm COMPLETELY ready to do that. And right now, I can't say that I am ready to move in January.

I have a feeling some wonderful things are just now starting to happen to me and I cannot see myself leaving it all behind before any of it gets a chance to work out. I feel called to take on these new found opportunities at Faith Church St. Louis and become a servant for God. I feel called to spend more time with my family and not just on Sundays. Jenna (my little sister) is growing up so fast and I haven't been around much at all in these past 4 years because of school. I can't see myself leaving her yet. My mom and I have always been close, but nothing compared to where our relationship is now. I'm not ready to leave this newly restored relationship to become "just a phone call away" daughter. I finally get to spend time with my friends, both new and old. I get excited every time someone from my past contacts me and wants to meet up. There are SO MANY people I haven't gotten to spend time with because of school. I've been free since August and I'm not ready to give up this lifestyle yet. Movies, coffee, karaoke, dancing, laughing, talking for hours, walks, etc with all of my amazing friends. I can't leave that behind just yet. And I don't want to forget about all of those new friends who I have met in the past few months. Some friends of other friends, some people I've randomly met on the journey of life, some friends I've known for years but now REALLY KNOW, and some amazing people that God has just placed in my life at the right time. I need to stay for them.

I suppose I've made up my mind. It's just the matter of discussing it with Ana. Only God knows when this move will happen, but for now, I'm letting Him use me here until He lets me know when I'm ready to conquer the West Coast.

Peace, Love, and Joy.

His Hands and Feet

I really can't remember where I was when I first heard this song, but I do remember it was in high school. Pastor David said something the other night that made me wake up. This song came to mind.

"Hands And Feet" by Audio Adrenaline

An image flashed across my TV screen
Another broken heart comes in to view
I saw the pain and I turned my back
Why can't I do the things I want to?
I'm willing yet I'm so afraid
You give me strength
When I say

[CHORUS:]
I want to be your hands
I want to be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'II go where you send me
[REPEAT]

And I try, yeah I try
To touch the world likeYou touched my life
And I find my way
To be your hands

I've abandoned every selfish thought
I've surrendered every thing I've got
You can have everything I am
And perfect everything
I'm not I'm willing,
I'm not afraid
You give me strength When I say

[CHORUS]

This is the lifetime I turned my back on you
From now on, I'll go so
Send me where You want me to
I finally have a mission
I promise I'll complete
I don't need excuses
When I am your hands and feet

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NeacJatGW8)


Now , after I think about these lyrics and I hear other words from certain people in my life, I finally understand what it means to "live your life for God and not yourself." I was telling this woman today about my life situation: I'm trying to move to LA in 5 months and I recently lost my job. After I lost my nanny job, I was asking God if He was trying to keep me here in St. Louis longer. And that has been my question for these past 2 weeks. Yes, I have faith that God will provide me with a wonderful job, but will I be forcing it all if I'm scrambling to save the money and not have a life in the meantime because I cannot afford to go anywhere but to my job? Peter Cocuzza told me to ask myself why I would want to post-pone this move. "Do not make this decision because of fear," he said. And this decision isn't founded in fear, it's founded in a quest for something more meaningful than my own desires and dreams. I have so many amazing opportunities arising every day with this new church and I keep thinking...how can I do any of these things if I am only here for 5 more months? This woman that I was talking to today is in charge of the youth at the church. She has been writing these dramas in hopes of someday having a chance to perform them, but there is a lack of performers. She heard I was an actress and her face just lit up. On top of that, I'm hearing God tell me to start a mentor program with the young girls in the youth group. They want me sing with the praise and worship band and perform in the Christmas and Easter Programs, and when they all hear that I'm moving in January, they get so bummed....and so do I.


I am finally finding myself and I don't know if I can move 1800 miles away in 5 months only to start looking for "Emily" all over again. This church makes me feel at peace. It strengthens my faith and it feels like home to me.

I spoke to this woman about my situation and she simply said, "When it's God, it's easy. You shouldn't have to work that hard if it's meant to be. And you know, you've been the center of your own story for so long, and now God is asking you to be at the center of His story." This hit me so hard and made me truly listen to what she was telling me. The mere fact that I had never said more than 2 words to this woman before, and she opened my eyes and ears to God's requests was absolutely heaven-sent. He really does send us angels to set us straight.

So all of this has given me more to think about and pray over. Will I be moving to LA? Yes. But will I be moving to LA in 5 months? Only God knows this right now. So if you could, please pray for me while I'm figuring out what God wants me to do and where He needs me the most.

I'm reminded of another song:

"Take me" by Daniel's Window

I saw the mountain side
I saw the mountain side
And I said, “It’s too high to climb”

I felt the pouring rain
I felt the pouring rain
And I know I’ll never be the same

I humbly come before you with my head bowed and my knees bent
My soul is drowning in this sea of doubt
I need You to hold me tonight

Take me Break me
show me what to do
Take me Shape me
teach me to be like you

I heard a silent cry
I heard a silent cry
And it came from deep inside

Take me Break me
show me what to do
Take me Shape me
teach me to be like you

I saw the mountain side
I saw the mountain side I saw the mountain side
And I know I can climb that high

Take me Break me
show me what to do
Take me Shape me
teach me to be like you



Peace, Love, and Joy.