Last week was rough.
Rough mentally, spiritually, physically.
Just plain rough.
The week started off great: Paul and I BOTH got off of work early and got some amazing quality time together. Just being goofy with each other and loving every minute!
But then Tuesday hit. Ugh. Traffic was horrible going into work and leaving. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Paul was already home and because of a stupid bill that I wasn't expecting, I got upset and fast. I wanted to do nothing but run. Physically run. So before I could even greet Paul, I rushed to put on my work out clothes and get ready to run through the tears. Didn't know why I was so upset. It wasn't my hormones. I just was burn out I guess.
And then when I thought things would get better because it was a new day, a trainwreck happened mid-movie time with Paul Wednesday night.
You see, there's a time in my life that Paul knows little about. He's heard stories, mostly negative (because I was bitter), and seen pictures. But his opinion of this time in my life is solely based on those things because he didn't know me at this time in my life. It's hard for my re-newed mind to grasp things of my past. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't fit any more. I found out that a local theatre company is producing a favorite show of mine (a show that I've done before) and I freaked! Something deep down inside me wanted this opportunity again. I knew from experience, Paul has a hard time understanding this part of my life. So I bi-passed him and called my mom. Bad call, but I wanted validation! I was going to do this show even if it cost me precious time with Paul!
I was getting myself deeper in a big ol' mess and I didn't seem to see it!
I see it now.
I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how my decision would affect someone else's life. We barely get to see each other as it is. I said some hurtful things to him as I was fighting to hold onto MY wants and MY desires. Also, I was comparing a person to a thing. God blessed me with a relationship...a MARRIAGE...something I never had when I did theatre. Mostly because it's hard to balance them at the same time and still come out with a healthy marriage and feel satisfied in other aspects of your life because they take SO MUCH TIME. I look back on it now and see how I let shows fill a void in my heart. I sought out happiness from something that could only bring me that for a short period of time. Happiness is temporary because it is based on what HAPPENS. Joy is something that exists inside you and you can't explain why you are so blessed or full of life. I used my hyper-involvement in theatre as a means for an escape from my pain and loneliness. I'm not lonely or hurting any longer. Praise God!
To ignore the talents God gave me would be a sin, but I have yet to stop using them since I've stopped performing in plays and musicals. I've done numerous dramas and I am one of praise team members at Faith Church! My feet have yet to leave the stage. God never took it away from me. He just shut some doors that He knew weren't good for me anymore. He shut the door to my involvement in theatre by decreasing my passion for it. And for some, that would be a horrible thing. But for me, it needed to happen. I was so obsessed with it, that I didn't have time for God or anyone or anything else. And let's not forget about my PRIDE issue. Whew, I was full of myself...
I figured if God wants me to go back to the secular stage, He will make it blatantly obvious. I thought that this last interest was it, but that was based on past experiences and it ended up creating a wall between Paul and I. How could I allow that to happen to the biggest blessing God has given me?
I can't and I won't.
So God has been dealing with me about selfishness. I found an article on Boundless.org (a Focus on the Family website) entitled "
The Shock to Our Selfishness" by Heather Koerner. Heather writes about how the shock to our selfishness is initiated by marriage itself. God is asking us to put aside our needs and wants to make room to focuse on others' needs/wants. The blessing that comes from that kind of lifestyle is amazing.
Still workin' on it...
Peace&Love.
