Everything has it's purpose...

So, I don't necessarily like discussing bad news on here, but I lost my nanny j0b last week. I didn't do anything wrong (just was myself), the kids just didn't like me and we didn't really connect. So the dad decided to let me go and look for someone else. And I've been job hunting since Monday. Making calls and sending resumes like crazy...TRYING to catch a bite. But it will all happen when it happens. "If it's God today, it's gonna be God tomorrow," according to Pastor David. And so I've been letting that be my mantra through all of this.

But aside from all of that financial mess, I've been finding solace in other important matters of life. I have had more time to spend working out during the day and hang out with my dear friends at night. I've gotten a couple chances to watch movies, which hasn't happened since the last time I was looking for a job. I attend church at least 3 times a week and absolutely love it! It's been a major blessing to my life thus far and I look forward to Tuesdays and Sundays most definitely.

I think what has been weighing heavy on my heart lately is my move to LA. Since there are certain factors that are changing up my plan, I've really searched my heart for what I really truly want to do with my talents that God has given me. I know LA has been on that list for over a year now and that things are lining up just perfectly, but some things aren't lining themselves up and some things are rearranging themselves on me. I'm feeling so at home with this church and the idea of moving 1800 miles away from it really saddens me. I know Pastor David will be online and my mom can always mail me the DVDs, but a part of me doesn't think that will be the same at all. The fact that I don't really have anything saved up yet and that I don't have a job to save that kind of money also is troubling me. I know I will find a new job, but I've been feeling this deadline that I'm not meeting and I feel like a failure because of that.

Wow, that sounds kinda like a bummer...I'm really truly in a good place right now, I'm just thinking a lot about all of this lately.

There are really awesome things happening in my life that I truly have longed for for so long and the idea of moving 1800 miles away from it all makes me question if right now is the right time to make this move. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm not using my abilities that God has blessed me with and that I have aquired through my college education. The artist in me is starving for work and St. Louis is lacking that kind of work. Community theatre and small film projects can only hold me over for so long before I wanna go for the fancy feast of REAL THEATRE and REAL FILM PROJECTS. That definition is only available in my mind because it is based on my own experiences and opinions.

I've also kind of started dating again and a part of me wants to just go have fun and not get too involved, but the passionate side of me wants a deep, meaningful connection with a man. When I feel as if that could possibly happen with someone, I immediately feel as if I need to back away from the situation before anyone gets hurt. Should I even mention my move? Because if I do, what if they don't even wanna bother with me because they feel like it would be a waste of energy? But what about a long distance relationship? Wouldn't that be forcing it? So why don't I just avoid dating altogether? But what if "he" really IS here in St. Louis? What if God is just giving me another difficult situation that He KNOWS I will overcome and be amazingly happy in the end that I stuck with it? *Sigh* This is what goes on in the ol' noggin. Haha.

Yeah, I think too much. But that's me.

Anyway, I'm off to a coffee date with a VERY charming young man who has captured my attention only after knowing him 10 minutes. An amazing 3 hour phone conversation followed that night and I smile at the possibilities. But I'm not going to get in way too deep this time. I have patience this time. And I also have a really awesome friend who keeps me in check every time I think I might do or say something dumb...God's pretty awesome like that.

Love, Peace, and Joy my friends.

Time for Reflection

I know, above all, that I am geniunely happy and full of joy. I also know that I have a wonderful relationship with God. But how do I deal with the somber and still times when all I want is someone to lie in the grass and talk to for hours? Or bring back those connections that I had that have slipped through my fingers?

I have 3 men in my life that I have had various connections with through the years and all 3 of those men have stopped talking to me. 1 has moved away (without saying goodbye), one never returns my calls or texts, and one deleted me from both myspace and facebook, and never returned my messages or my hand-written letter for absolutely no reason than getting angry that I expressed my feelings. And I honestly miss them so much. I am supposed to love them from afar, but that is so much to ask of one person.

I'm dealing with my worldly obligations and trying to find peace in it all. I do know that I have amazing friends that surround my life. Praise God for that. Hmm...yes...

So where do I go from here? Continue to live milo-second by milo-second and praise God during the tough times and the easy times and all the gray in between? I believe so. *Sigh* So here is to the bland and the boring. They will all add up to something great very soon.

Letting go to meet again...

This morning would probably be one of those mornings in my life that would cause me a great amount of stress and anxiety. But not this time. You see, I had to get ready to attend my Great Aunt's funeral...an event that most people dread. I wasn't jumping for joy to go, but I was at peace. I was calm and comfortably uncomfortable when I arrived at the funeral home.

It was nice to see people I haven't seen in years and to look at pictures of Telle (pronounced Tell-ee...don't ask why we called her that, her real name is Eleanor...)and her siblings, including my grandma. I was holding on pretty well until we started singing. I normally can get through church hymns if I just sing the words and not think about what I'm actually singing. I couldn't do it. Old Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace just hit me for some reason. When the service was over I started to cry even more because I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. I walked to the bathroom and stood in the stall and balled my eyes out. I wasn't greiving Telle's death (I did feel for that too) but I was greiving my grandma's death. Over 5 years have passed since my grandma went home to be with the Lord, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I calmed down a little and my mom could tell that I was upset. I hugged her and said, "I miss grandma" like I was 5 years old again. I never let go of her death. I never really ever dealt with it at all. I repressed all the feelings and hid in my relationship with Robby. The night she died, I spent time with his family instead of my own because I was running away from it. I didn't want to think about it because I didn't want to deal with it.

I remember thinking as I stood in the bathroom stall, "I'm not scared of death. In a way, I WANT to get to heaven so I can be with all of my family that I have lost." And maybe that is a reason I was crying so hard. I wasn't scared of my life ending. Not that I WANT it to end today...no, that's not the point. The point is, if the Lord had to take my life, I would be okay with His decision. But I know God has so much in store for me before it's my time. I don't know, it was just a weird observation I guess.

So from Earth I say "Welcome home, Aunt Telle. Say hello to grandma for me. We will meet again."

Finding my purpose?

Well, as we all know, the Lord works in mysterious ways...

I just finished reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren today. I began reading this book 40 days ago and each day had a new lesson to learn. By the end of this book, you are supposed to discover what your purpose is in life. Once you discover that your main purpose in life is to bring people closer to Christ, you then begin to narrow down the HOW based on the talents and abilities God gave you. I've been questioning my career path for quite some time and I feel as if I have a good grasp on it. But tonight at the New Member Dinner at Faith Church St. Louis, I began to hear an even stronger calling to a talent I have somewhat forgotten over the years.

Since my main focus has been on strictly acting for so long, I kind of let my singing take a back seat. Yeah, I have done my fair share of musicals and I sang at church and at my cousin's wedding, but I noticed that I don't sing as much in the car as I used to. I love my tunes, but I haven't been singing along so much anymore. I remember that rush I used to get when I bought a new CD that allowed me to belt it out until I could no longer speak. And seriously, I miss that.

Tonight after my mom, Bob, and I got a tour of the church facilities, my mom and I went back into the church to use the restrooms. I stopped to talk to Morgan, a new friend, and my mom started talking to Shelby, the worship leader. I overheard my name and headed over to them. Little did I know that my mom had pretty much set up an audition for me. So there I was auditioning in front of these amazingly talented singers who stand up in front of hundreds and hundreds of people every week and sing praises to the Lord. Mind you, this isn't your regular church. There are around 2,000 people who attend this church...quite a lot compared to little Trenton First United Methodist Church back home! So I sang...not once...not twice...but 3 times (God likes His 3's doesn't He?) for everyone...including Pastor David, his wife Pastor Nicole, and anyone else that could hear me in ear-shot. Goodness gracious...if that didn't give me a rush! My heart was STILL beating fast as I drove home. So they want me to sing with the band. I've only been going to this church 1 month and I'm already this involved! I love it though...it feels so much like home...even if it is pretty far from home distance-wise.

So, yes, there has been a change in me! And it's called Jesus! I know there are many great things in store for me, but I honestly don't want to get ahead of myself. I like it just where I am. I am genuinely happy. I have gotten the urge to call people from my past that have hurt me, but every time I pick up my phone I just don't have it in me to go through all of that pain again. Those people are associated with my past for a reason...they are SUPPOSED TO STAY THERE!!!

Glory to God in the Highest and Peace to His People on Earth! Amen!

Life is wonderful and things can only get better from here.

Peace.

Where my heart lies.

I've been attending Faith Church St. Louis for a little over a month now. My mom found Pastor David on ABC 30 one night and told me about it. I would watch him online, but didn't think we would ever make the drive to St. Charles or Fenton, MO. We hopped in the car on July 6th and drove to the St. Charles Campus. The next week, my mom found herself driving to the Central Campus in Fenton and falling in love with the people there. As soon as my schedule opened up (once my shows were over), I was able to join her. I haven't missed a Sunday yet.

I must say that I've been "working on it" as Pastor David says, for the past 6 years (I was 16 years old when I asked Jesus to come into my heart). But in those 6 years, I lost my way several times and would come back to God only to find myself lost in the woods all over again. Once I began dating Nathan, and slowly closing the door on a forbidden love, I thought that God would finally give me my fairy tale life. After a year of probably one of the hardest relationships I have ever had, Nathan and I broke up officially, and we both discovered each other's acts of betrayal. And as usual, I continued to search for what it meant to be loved by an honest man. Needless to say, I have yet to find that honest love from a man on Earth...not even from my own dad. BUT, my heavenly father has shown me so much love and compassion, my heart is bursting with joy.

This past year has shown me so many new things. So many new self-discoveries: My mom is my best friend, my friends are amazing, and I can do anything that I set my mind to. God has given me a passionate heart to never give up on anything too easily. But it wasn't until May, that I completely let go of a lifestyle and a mindset that has had me by the throat for many years. Since I let go of the search for that honest man, God has planted a new seed in my heart. I no longer worry about a relationship with that honest man. I set my mind towards heaven. I ask what I can do for my fellow believers and non-believers. I ask, "Who can I bring with me to church this week?" I want others to experience this peace that I have been given. The Lord is good. Good is the Lord.

There are people who will try to take that peace from you. Do not falter. Stay strong and believe in Him. He will guide you through the fire.

Until next time...

In Peace.