Letting go to meet again...

This morning would probably be one of those mornings in my life that would cause me a great amount of stress and anxiety. But not this time. You see, I had to get ready to attend my Great Aunt's funeral...an event that most people dread. I wasn't jumping for joy to go, but I was at peace. I was calm and comfortably uncomfortable when I arrived at the funeral home.

It was nice to see people I haven't seen in years and to look at pictures of Telle (pronounced Tell-ee...don't ask why we called her that, her real name is Eleanor...)and her siblings, including my grandma. I was holding on pretty well until we started singing. I normally can get through church hymns if I just sing the words and not think about what I'm actually singing. I couldn't do it. Old Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace just hit me for some reason. When the service was over I started to cry even more because I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. I walked to the bathroom and stood in the stall and balled my eyes out. I wasn't greiving Telle's death (I did feel for that too) but I was greiving my grandma's death. Over 5 years have passed since my grandma went home to be with the Lord, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I calmed down a little and my mom could tell that I was upset. I hugged her and said, "I miss grandma" like I was 5 years old again. I never let go of her death. I never really ever dealt with it at all. I repressed all the feelings and hid in my relationship with Robby. The night she died, I spent time with his family instead of my own because I was running away from it. I didn't want to think about it because I didn't want to deal with it.

I remember thinking as I stood in the bathroom stall, "I'm not scared of death. In a way, I WANT to get to heaven so I can be with all of my family that I have lost." And maybe that is a reason I was crying so hard. I wasn't scared of my life ending. Not that I WANT it to end today...no, that's not the point. The point is, if the Lord had to take my life, I would be okay with His decision. But I know God has so much in store for me before it's my time. I don't know, it was just a weird observation I guess.

So from Earth I say "Welcome home, Aunt Telle. Say hello to grandma for me. We will meet again."