That question is one you ask when you are about 10 years old and it continues as you go through school. I remember being asked that question constantly and it running through my mind at every second of every day, especially once it was time to start applying for college.
At first, I wanted to be a doctor but when I found out about the length of schooling, I said, “No way Jose!”
Then throughout most of high school, I prepped to become an English teacher. At 19, I transferred schools and transferred my career path to focus on becoming an actress.
I now have a BA degree in Theatre & Dance and still find myself asking “What do I wanna be when I grow up?” After dealing with my dad’s death and becoming a strong, solid woman of God, I have had a major reality check. With the economy being in the poor state it is in, I have been questioning my career path every day. I don’t think I can afford to take the selfish route and chase the dream of becoming a movie star. I have constantly asked myself recently some major life questions: Why are we here? What is our sole purpose on this Earth?
After some soul-searching and praying, I’ve realized that we are put on this Earth to change lives and help others through the struggles on this complex life. How can I become so self-involved to think that my performance abilities are going to help people put food on the table or heal them of their pain. Sure, I could help put a smile on their face for a little while, but that pain in their heart will still be there when the play is over or the 30 minutes TV show has ended. I must go deeper and I must think bigger than just acting.
How many of us actually take the time to figure this all out? I don’t regret becoming a Theatre major…not at all. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe it helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities. I am the confident woman today because of those few years forcing myself to put my vulnerabilities on the line every day.
With that said, I am discovering that I have so much more to offer the world than jazz-hands and dramatic and engaging monologues. And God is sending me signs every day to figure that out. I got an email from a former professor from SIUE today that reminded me how disciplined, pleasant, and bright I am. He wants to have me help him organize some things at his home for pay. I feel that this man can offer me the guidance I have been looking for.
On top of that, there is an author who is looking for my partnership with his new book coming out in February. I’m not sure where this is all headed, but God needs me to remain unemployed right now. With much discussion over the past couple weeks, I’m closing the door on the nanny biz. God has given me way too many talents and abilities (aside from my performance skills) to change diapers for a living. I don’t know what I’m being called to do, but I know I will figure it out soon enough. Nannying helped me make money when I was waiting to move to LA, but that is no longer the case and I need to figure out what I am being called to do.
After dealing with my dad’s death and realizing how utterly important my faith is to me, my eyes have been re-opened to what mattered most to me before I ever asked myself that simple question of my career path…love.
Not romantic love. But family, friends, and love for all of God’s people. If I have learned anything throughout these past few weeks, it is that life is very precious and it can be taken away so quickly. I don’t want to waste any moment pursuing a life full of stress or anger in the entertainment industry. I do want to take my life to help others and change hearts and lives. I do want a husband, house, and children. When it comes down to it, that is all that matters in life. Your family, your friends, your faith, and your health. Everything else is just filler until you get to be with the ones you love.
Maybe I’ve had an epiphany. Maybe it’s a revelation. Whatever it is, I have grown up and opened my eyes to what is truly important in life and it’s not money or your career. It’s the people God places in your life that makes those other things enjoyable. I will no longer allow myself to be brainwashed by society’s timeline or society’s plan for our lives.
What makes you happy? I guarantee you it is not a thing.
I may not know what I wanna be when I grow up in the world’s terms, but I do know that I want to be a strong, faithful woman of God who lives her life to glorify Him and help change lives around her. Details to follow…until He brings me the answer.
In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this precious life by taking it all one day at a time.
That’s all we can really do anyway.
Peace and Love.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
At 23, I should be planning a wedding, not a funeral...
So these past few days have been the longest yet fastest days of my life. I can't believe it's already Thursday. I feel like I blinked and it went from Monday to today in just the matter of seconds. But at the same time, I feel like this whole ordeal has been hanging over my head for forever and a day. Each day that passed brought more news and more closure in some odd way. But I'm still finding myself in the heaviest daze and still questioning when I will wake up and the nightmare will finally be over.
Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*
On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.
*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.
I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).
So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!
There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:
“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)
My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)
I leave you with this prayer:
"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)
Peace & Love.
Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*
On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.
*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.
I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).
So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!
There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:
“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)
My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)
I leave you with this prayer:
"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)
Peace & Love.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Breaking free from the curse of this family...
My father was bound by alcohol and pornography and very quickly became very lost. The devil had my dad by the throat and the evil that suffocated my dad came to an end Sunday night/Monday morning.
With all the specifics still under investigation, my dad was murdered Sunday night in one house and his body was set a-blaze in a burning house across the street in Washington Park. I don't know who was out to get him, but he was involved in something terrible that eventually lead to his death. His stripper girlfriend is under investigation, but they are trying to make sure he wasn't involved in drugs (I'm pretty sure he wasn't because I would have known about that or found something around the house that made it apparent). I know this doesn't sound real, but it's been on the news and in the paper and I can't even explain to you how much of a daze I have been in since yesterday.
I found out yesterday afternoon about all of this and I finally have the courage to talk about it on here because it's much bigger than just my dad's death. I write this not only to grieve and comprehend what just happened, but to tell everyone that I am here for anyone who's life has been bruised and torn because of alcohol or has had a struggling and complicated relationship with their father.
College is the worst thing to happen to kids when it comes to it's promotion of alcohol and partying. Young people become desensitized to drinking and driving or excessive drinking. I was one of those young people who didn't think twice about getting behind a wheel after a few too many cocktails. "I'll be fine. I'm fine." And the next morning, I couldn't remember how I got home and realized I was NOT fine. I would put myself in a situation where I KNEW the driver was drinking whether in the car or after a night of bar-hopping. I look at these decisions and want to smack myself and all of my friends around me who are guilty of this. IT'S NOT SAFE!!!!!!! You could kill someone and yourself! Wake up!!!!!
Along with drinking and driving, I've been guilty of compromising my morals and getting involved in activities with men who were not my boyfriend, and more specifically not my husband. It's not good when you don't remember how you got in his bed or what you 2 even did that night or how about this question...did he where a condom? Oh God, am I pregnant?!
I didn't drink that much in college, and my friends know that, but I still feel like I could have been headed down a very difficult road if I wasn't careful. Luckily I had a mom and friends to keep me in check and a God who all watched over me with every stumble and mistake.
I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to say anything about this because of legal reasons, but this was my dad, and IS my life and my story. The funeral arrangements cannot be made until they know for sure the details. They legally can't have a funeral without an exact cause of death or death certificate. I'm not looking forward to reliving all of these emotions that day, that's for sure.
With all of that said, I am forever thankful for my support system who came to my aid last night. Bless you all for stopping by or calling. I don't know what I'd do with all of you. Including Paul. He was by my side the entire night holding me and comforting me until I fell asleep. My boss is allowing me all the time I need to rest and grieve. She doesn't know about any of this because I only was told that he was in an accident and I assumed it was a car accident. I only wish it was that simple. There really is evil in this world and I want to work my entire life to stay far away from any of it. I suggest you ask yourself if that next drink truly is worth it if you are beginning to lose any self control.
I love you all too much to see anything like this happen to you and your family.
Be careful and know that God loves you because you are His children. He doesn't want to see anything like this happen to you. But when we take our lives into our own hands and don't listen to God, He can't help you any longer. There's only so many times He can try to stop you from killing yourself before it's just too late.
Sadly, it was too late for my dad. He was too far gone and couldn't be saved.
Don't ever let that happen to you. And I will try my hardest to step in if I become worried about you.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I'll be praying for all of you children of alcoholics. My heart is aching for you too.
Peace and love.
Monday, November 17, 2008
For those who love me...
you will understand.
If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.
And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.
I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.
Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.
And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!
I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...
God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.
So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"
So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.
I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.
So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.
Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.
If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.
And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.
I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.
Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.
And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!
I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...
God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.
So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"
So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.
I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.
So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.
Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The best things in life aren't THINGS!
Jesus Placed the Highest Value on Relationships by Tom Holladay
Regarding life together and getting along with each other, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You’re God-taught in these matters. Just love one another! 1 Thessalonians 4:9 (MSG)
I don’t remember the time or the place or the conference, but the question the moderator asked has stuck in my mind. What I recall most vividly is the answer that immediately flashed into my thoughts.
Here is the question: Suppose you’re in a rubber life raft with a friend. You’re approaching an island. The raft is leaking, and you are within sight of land. In the raft with you are a set of signal flares, a week’s supply of canned food, and a five gallon container ofwater. You must throw one of these items overboard if you’regoing to make it to the island. Which one do you choose?
I have to admit, the first answer that hit me was “the friend.” Now don’t sit there with a pious “I’ve never thought anything like that” look! This silly thought that leaped into my mind was a reminder of how easy it is to value things over people. And who among us hasn’t struggled with that feeling?Priorities become most important when we must make choices. If we had enough time to do everything, everything could be a priority.
But we don’t have enough time to do everything. If we had the power to do every good thing we wanted to do, our choices wouldn’t be so important. But we can’t do every good thing we want to do. When Jesus spoke about the priority of relationships, he could not have been clearer. He taught that relationships must be given the highest of values."
I read this article this morning as one of my daily devotionals I receive through emails. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile now. But only because I WANT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS OVER THINGS! In Fall 2007, I trained myself to stop reaching out to others who didn't want my love and dove into thinking about my acting career 24/7. Ask any of my really close friends and they will tell you that I never shut up about LA. You should see my bookshelf! I have an entire shelf dedicated to books on the biz and acting. Thank you amazon.com! ;) For over a year, I turned my my mind and heart towards something that I could throw all of my passion and drive into only to realize just NOW that my career will NEVER love me back. Yes, I will have successes, but that's because of God's precious love, not the business' love.
Don't get me wrong, my calling to become an actress is still very important to me, but now that I have found true love (for REAL) from God, my family, my friends, and now most importantly Paul, I finally see the big picture. And it has nothing to do with my career. It has EVERYTHING to do with my very precious relationships. When I'm lying on my death-bed, I won't be holding my Oscar, but my dear ones' hands. Within the past 6 months, I have prioritized a lot of things (slowly but surely). God became number one again after about 4 years (thank you college) of being on and off the path. I do value higher education, but I don't like what it can do to young people's lives when they do not prepare themselves for it. If they are not careful, they can get strangled by society's timeline and by the world's opinions, morals, and standards.
I became someone else. I made decisions that compromised my morals and lived in a manic depressive state most of the time. The true Emily disappeared for a long time and I felt like I was going through life gasping for air. I'm so glad I can finally breathe again. That's what graduating was like. 17 years of strangling and struggling for a breath of air now over, a chance to make my own decisions for once, and the freedom to see life in a beautiful, STRESS-FREE light. I cannot express myself enough to you all how wonderful life is now that school (the institution of education NOT education itself) is not in my life.
I'm grateful for the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and I would be a fool if I did not pursue this career full force and use all of those talents and abilities to their fullest potential. But that pursuit with NEVER come before God, Paul, my family, my church, or my friends.
With that said, I have an audition tomorrow that will be my focus for most of the day, but when it doesn't need to be on my mind, I'll be using my time praying and thinking about Paul.
3 more days until I hold him in my arms. Thank God.
Peace & Love.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Open and Honest.
I am just going to go right out there and be completely open and honest about what has been going on in my mind lately...
Marriage.
Yes, I know, I haven't been with Paul very long to be thinking about this, but I am thinking about it. And I won't apologize for it. I'm not MAKING myself think about marrying him. I feel it in my heart with utter certainty that this is the most truthful thing I have ever believed in my entire life. And just as Genesis 1 & 2 discuss, God made man to have a counter-part...a woman, a wife. So I know that this longing is of God. The relationship itself is of God because neither one of us looked for each other. He was called to grow up in that church and I was called to eventually attend that church and to remain there for at least a year. I made my decision to stay in STL before I ever truly knew Paul. And now I see more than ever, that Paul was the reason I was supposed to stay. It is such a blessing and he is truly my gift from God.
My mom said something to me last night that really stood out to me: "Why do you care what other people think of you, Emily?"
She ran into a guy I had a huge crush on a little while ago (who pretty much dropped me on my butt before I even knew what happened) and wanted to rubbed it in his face that I was so in love and happy. She wanted to tell him that I was engaged. I immediately got defensive. Mom! I don't want people thinking that! They'd all think I was crazy! They know I've only been with Paul a few weeks and then they'd think I was insane if I was ALREADY engaged!!!
I now look at her question to me and realize...I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S YOU-KNOW-WHAT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME!!!! If they can't find it deep down in their own being that we all long to find our soul-mates and want to argue with me that love follows a timeline, then they don't need to be any part of my life. My mom told me that she's never seen me this happy before in my life. Not even when I was in high school with Rob did I glow like this. My grandpa said that he enjoyed being around me and talking with me. "There's something different about her." I have not made this relationship the center of my universe (that spot is reserved for God) but I give 110% to EVERYTHING in my life. And right now, this relationship needs my attention. It's very important to me and I want to nurture it so it can grow into something so amazingly beautiful and pure to remain that way for the rest of my life.
So what if I've decided that this is the man I'm going to marry already! If you love me, you'll be so utterly happy that I've found him! If you think that I'll be throwing away my career if I get married within a year, then you obviously don't know me. I'm a very strong woman capable of balancing much more than one thing at a time. I have never understood something this much ever before in my life.
With all of that said, I feel like I need to say something about society's little timeline. I know with my whole being that Paul would propose to me today if he could. He already started looking at rings a few days ago and marriage seems to be on his mind (he asked me to read 1 Corinthians 7 Sunday night). I think a major reason he will wait several more months is because of society's timeline. I'm sure he's worried about what certain people think about all of this (our parents think it's wonderful, but I think it's just everyone else that probably doesn't even matter in the end). He'll be 19 December 1st and we will have been together just a mere 3 weeks on Sunday. Yep, you can think I'm crazy...go right ahead. I really don't care what you think. I'll be 23 years old in about a month. I'm pretty sure I'm adult enough to make decisions like this.
So that's what goin on in the old noggin. I'm still moving to LA within a year. I'm under contract with the family I nanny for to give them 1 year. That decision was ironically also made before Paul and I were together. God's timing is perfect, isn't it?
Apparently other people are on my side with this one...
Thanks or listenin and lovin me always.
Peace.
Marriage.
Yes, I know, I haven't been with Paul very long to be thinking about this, but I am thinking about it. And I won't apologize for it. I'm not MAKING myself think about marrying him. I feel it in my heart with utter certainty that this is the most truthful thing I have ever believed in my entire life. And just as Genesis 1 & 2 discuss, God made man to have a counter-part...a woman, a wife. So I know that this longing is of God. The relationship itself is of God because neither one of us looked for each other. He was called to grow up in that church and I was called to eventually attend that church and to remain there for at least a year. I made my decision to stay in STL before I ever truly knew Paul. And now I see more than ever, that Paul was the reason I was supposed to stay. It is such a blessing and he is truly my gift from God.
My mom said something to me last night that really stood out to me: "Why do you care what other people think of you, Emily?"
She ran into a guy I had a huge crush on a little while ago (who pretty much dropped me on my butt before I even knew what happened) and wanted to rubbed it in his face that I was so in love and happy. She wanted to tell him that I was engaged. I immediately got defensive. Mom! I don't want people thinking that! They'd all think I was crazy! They know I've only been with Paul a few weeks and then they'd think I was insane if I was ALREADY engaged!!!
I now look at her question to me and realize...I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S YOU-KNOW-WHAT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME!!!! If they can't find it deep down in their own being that we all long to find our soul-mates and want to argue with me that love follows a timeline, then they don't need to be any part of my life. My mom told me that she's never seen me this happy before in my life. Not even when I was in high school with Rob did I glow like this. My grandpa said that he enjoyed being around me and talking with me. "There's something different about her." I have not made this relationship the center of my universe (that spot is reserved for God) but I give 110% to EVERYTHING in my life. And right now, this relationship needs my attention. It's very important to me and I want to nurture it so it can grow into something so amazingly beautiful and pure to remain that way for the rest of my life.
So what if I've decided that this is the man I'm going to marry already! If you love me, you'll be so utterly happy that I've found him! If you think that I'll be throwing away my career if I get married within a year, then you obviously don't know me. I'm a very strong woman capable of balancing much more than one thing at a time. I have never understood something this much ever before in my life.
With all of that said, I feel like I need to say something about society's little timeline. I know with my whole being that Paul would propose to me today if he could. He already started looking at rings a few days ago and marriage seems to be on his mind (he asked me to read 1 Corinthians 7 Sunday night). I think a major reason he will wait several more months is because of society's timeline. I'm sure he's worried about what certain people think about all of this (our parents think it's wonderful, but I think it's just everyone else that probably doesn't even matter in the end). He'll be 19 December 1st and we will have been together just a mere 3 weeks on Sunday. Yep, you can think I'm crazy...go right ahead. I really don't care what you think. I'll be 23 years old in about a month. I'm pretty sure I'm adult enough to make decisions like this.
So that's what goin on in the old noggin. I'm still moving to LA within a year. I'm under contract with the family I nanny for to give them 1 year. That decision was ironically also made before Paul and I were together. God's timing is perfect, isn't it?
Apparently other people are on my side with this one...
Thanks or listenin and lovin me always.
Peace.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Keepin' the light switch turned ON!
Today's message was really good for my spirit. I needed it.
I'm in such a wonderful place in my life that I realized how content and relaxed I've become with everything. I don't stress or worry my life away. I just be...exist...am. It's a good feeling to feel this much at peace.
But there are always small things that seem to rise up to the surface and the enemy will try to poke holes in your amazing living situation. I grew up with financial strain and it has never really ever disappeared. Yes, I DO have a job now, but that doesn't make money just POOF into my bank account to get rid of my negative balance. It's going to take a little time to get back on track. So I could freak out about my financial situation or just believe that it will all work out in the end. Which is the way I think I'm supposed to live my life....
But it gets really tough sometimes!
I moved out of my alcoholic father's house this weekend to my grandpa's upstairs. I now have my own living space and my shoulders are free from all that weight that I carried every day wondering what I would have to pull my dad out of next. I've chosen to stay here until I move to LA. Gas is going down and I have faith that it will remain this low, so I will save on so much more money because of that. I would be putting so much money into rent for pretty much nothing then. I'm really not that far away from things. I have had to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere my whole life, so why couldn't I handle another year of it? I can handle it and I will! :)
This decision is going to help me save so much more money for things that I can't even see yet. An AFTRA contract? (details to follow after this weekend, I promise). Car insurance in my own name for once? A dress (of the white pursuasion)? New clothes that actually fit and don't make me feel fat?
I feel break-through happening. I'm in the midst of it now, and it's just going to keep getting better and better! This is I know for sure! I'm keeping my light switch turned on and the devil is going to have to tackle me to the ground to turn it off!
God spoke something very significant to me this morning at church. I don't want to say too much about it quite yet because I want it to manifest itself before I tell everyone. Let's just say that people from the west coast will see what Miss Emily Rose Mollet is made of this weekend! "There is just something about her...there is just this glow about her that makes me feel really good! I really like this girl! Let's pick her!"
Walk in faith, not by sight!
I WILL see this come to pass and I WILL live out my dreams...just you wait!
It's happening now and I'm thanking Him as every second passes.
I love you all.
Peace.
I'm in such a wonderful place in my life that I realized how content and relaxed I've become with everything. I don't stress or worry my life away. I just be...exist...am. It's a good feeling to feel this much at peace.
But there are always small things that seem to rise up to the surface and the enemy will try to poke holes in your amazing living situation. I grew up with financial strain and it has never really ever disappeared. Yes, I DO have a job now, but that doesn't make money just POOF into my bank account to get rid of my negative balance. It's going to take a little time to get back on track. So I could freak out about my financial situation or just believe that it will all work out in the end. Which is the way I think I'm supposed to live my life....
But it gets really tough sometimes!
I moved out of my alcoholic father's house this weekend to my grandpa's upstairs. I now have my own living space and my shoulders are free from all that weight that I carried every day wondering what I would have to pull my dad out of next. I've chosen to stay here until I move to LA. Gas is going down and I have faith that it will remain this low, so I will save on so much more money because of that. I would be putting so much money into rent for pretty much nothing then. I'm really not that far away from things. I have had to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere my whole life, so why couldn't I handle another year of it? I can handle it and I will! :)
This decision is going to help me save so much more money for things that I can't even see yet. An AFTRA contract? (details to follow after this weekend, I promise). Car insurance in my own name for once? A dress (of the white pursuasion)? New clothes that actually fit and don't make me feel fat?
I feel break-through happening. I'm in the midst of it now, and it's just going to keep getting better and better! This is I know for sure! I'm keeping my light switch turned on and the devil is going to have to tackle me to the ground to turn it off!
God spoke something very significant to me this morning at church. I don't want to say too much about it quite yet because I want it to manifest itself before I tell everyone. Let's just say that people from the west coast will see what Miss Emily Rose Mollet is made of this weekend! "There is just something about her...there is just this glow about her that makes me feel really good! I really like this girl! Let's pick her!"
Walk in faith, not by sight!
I WILL see this come to pass and I WILL live out my dreams...just you wait!
It's happening now and I'm thanking Him as every second passes.
I love you all.
Peace.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Lookin' ahead way too much...
So I'm not sure why I am looking so far ahead all of a sudden. I'm planning things that haven't even begun yet in hopes that I might "get ahead of the game." God made me a very goal-oriented person, but sometimes I forget not to get too carried away. And I'm pretty sure I'm getting carried away.
It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!
When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.
I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?
I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!
It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!
When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.
I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?
I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Could life get any better? Honestly.
I had an amazing weekend with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and my church family. But I'm going to just say I've had the most amazing 2 weeks actually!
Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!
So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!
I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.
I love you all.
Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!
So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!
I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.I love you all.
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