For those who love me...

you will understand.

If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.

And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.

I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.

Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.

And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!

I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...

God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.

So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"

So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.

I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.

So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.

Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.