Enough to heal

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction.
He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be.
On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings. 
Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol
I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :)
The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know...
Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God.
Love&peace.
Em


Taking my mind off of the issue.

That has been the challenge this weekend. Long weekends are a blessing for ultimate relaxation, but with someone such as me, my brain can continuously run laps if I'm dealing with some difficult issues.

Not to get too into details, Paul and I decided to leave our church. It was probably the most challenging thing I have ever had to do. And yet, I know without a shadow of doubt in my heart, that it was the right thing to do...follow my husband no matter what.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to sing. I adored my position on the praise team. Letting the team know of our decision was also very difficult. Walking away from people you care about doing the something you care about, is so hard. But I have to remember that I follow God no matter what. God is stretching me and our marriage in a big way. So for the past few days, I have felt a little hazy and somewhat out of place.

I have been reading this book by Craig Groeschel and have found that it has helped me stay focused on what really matters...

Good read most definitely. There was a quote from the author about his life as a Christian Atheist that really struck a chord...

‎"My service was never enough. And as my love for ministry burned hotter, my passion for Christ cooled..."

Wow... That is all I can say. I can look back and see the same mentality in serving at Faith Church. I was so wrapped up in the worship team, that I sometime neglected my own relationship with Jesus. That is a HUGE revelation for me.

So Sunday morning Paul and I went to church (Twin Rivers off of Tesson Ferry...seriously 5 minutes from our apartment!) TOGETHER for the first time in our marriage. Woke up together, got dressed together, rode together, and SAT together throughout the ENTIRE service. Some may take that for grant it. It was really nice. I really like it there and so does Paul. The hardest thing for me though is the worship ministry...VERY different from Faith Church. They have a choir and 5 lead vocalists up front. And all of them were all over 35-4o years old. :( So I couldn't see a place for me up there, but then I realized that church and a true connection at a church is not about the music ministry. Worship was amazing any way. I may not have to be up on the stage to truly enjoy worship....it may even be better for me not to be actually.

So that was hard for me to swallow since I have such a heart for singing. Maybe God will use my abilities in a different way as time goes on. I think for now, he wants me to put all of my focus on Him and also focusing on having Christ at the very core of our marriage even more so than we had originally thought it was!

So another chapter begins...and more changes occur...

And that is FAITH!

Peace&Love.

Em

Chillaxin'

Mmmm....new Ray LaMontagne album. Perfect for chillaxin' this Friday night.

Just waiting for Paulie to get home from his FIFTEEN HOUR DAY! Yeah, he's my Superman most definitely. 12 hours in over-time this week. That's 12 hours times time and a half. Woot woot. Favor and blessing! Praise God. 2010 is absolutely NOTHING like 2009. It's been an Ephesians's 3:20 year most definitely.

Had a great time getting to know a new gal friend today/tonight. Our late lunch began at 3:30pm and I didn't drop her off to her car until 9:45pm! Guess we have things in common! lol We walked around the Loop in STL and tried on some cute clothes at their awesome boutiques. Just girlie stuff. And I loved it!

It's always fun to get to know new people. Definitely feel like God is trying to build up new friendships for this new season in my/our life. Her boyfriend is very similar to Paulie too, so that will make for fun double dates! Love it!!! :)

Anyway, Paulie got home and now it's cuddle time.

Happy girl...

Peace&Love.

Em

Icky.

Yesterday is a blur. Mostly because I slept the majority of it once I got home from work. I think I saw Paul for about an hour total last night. He got home late (as usual) and I was semi-conscious when he came in the bedroom where I laid coughing my head off.

I honestly hate feeling weak. I can confess that "I'm healed in Jesus' name" til I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't make the symptoms suck any less.

Because of the cough and icky sticky mucus in my throat, I can't sing this weekend at church. As a singer, if you can't use your voice, it drives you nutty! Oh well...at least my ears still work so I can still listen to music. That would suck royally if those weren't working too!

I think I'm also getting to the point of my favorite part of the month...hormonal imbalance! Grrrreat!!! lol I was on a call today talking to a patient about how unfair/unjust health insurance companies are and I was so frustrated by the end of the call, that I started crying! Thankful I am in the office alone today. I regained composure and got on with the rest of my day. Is it Friday yet???

I could say that I just need rest, but that is just dumb since I spent a total of 14 hours in bed last night.

Maybe burnt out at work? Who knows...

I will leave you with this awesome video...maybe watching it will help me boost up my day and hopefully your's too!

Peace&Love.

Em

Transition or just not caring anymore? Babbling, etc...

Ok, ok...It has been awhile since I sat down and just wrote out my random thoughts. I needed to bad today.

Today was a long day at work. Kept hacking up gunk and coughing...not pretty. But all in all, I feel alright. My awesome hubs gave me his upper respiratory infection. But that's what you get when you sleep next to someone and they breathe, sneeze, or cough in your face. lol Germs are gonna be there.

The biggest bummer? I got asked to sing a special song for the women's meeting at Faith Church for Friday (which this is the first time I've even been asked) and I don't know if my voice is gonna be in the best shape to belt out a Britt Nicole tune. :/ Oh well, maybe next time...

Any way...reason for the title: realized very recently that my friendships shifted quite a bit and I'm left wondering if I'm purposely transitioning or did I reach a point of not caring?

So many of my friends from the past several years have seemed to fall off the face of the Earth and when I do get a chance to see them, it seems like I don't know them anymore. It's a sad reality when you discover this. But at the same time, it allows me to see the changes that I have made in my own life to be going down a better path than I was living a few years ago.

Kinda funny how most of my blog entries are about this very topic, but it's hard to grasp when you are constantly moving and transitioning.

Random: I love PANDORA. Especially when you put on stations like Iron & Wine and Schuler Fisk. Been diving back into my folk/indie/acoustic stuff again. Paul can't stand it, but I still love him. :)

Before I end this one, I have to admit that I have been building up a list of things I want without even realizing it...I never built up a list because I was always an impulsive shopper-trying to break that habit at the knees. But since I am a budgeter, planner, and list-maker, I began to figure out how to save up for some things that I have my eye/mind on:

1. custom molded in-ear monitors (whole process costs a little over $500)http://ultimateears.com/en-us/products/4-pro

2. better camera that doesn't make the pictures look like we are in a dark room

3. 1940s style dress for Crystal's wedding (September 24th) with cute pumps to match

4. new coffee table and side tables (around $100 at Weekends Only)

5. new/used dresser and chest of drawers instead of the kid-sized ones we have now

We got our Dyson, so we crossed that off of the list.

Yeah, I can tell I haven't sat down and wrote in awhile. I'm definitely feeling random lately.

Anyway...

Peace&Love.

Em

Drainage...

The past few days have been kinda rough mentally. I hate to be a downer but it's the truth. I feel beaten up. No. I have FELT beaten up.

Today is better. Actually a lot better.

I have felt like I was up and down a lot over the last few days. Major chemical imbalances and whatnot. I don't like it when I feel out of control. When I get like that, I want to close my eyes and sleep it away. But I know that isn't healthy at all. Paul had to keep kickin my butt out of bed yesterday and literally tickled me out of bed. I don't know what I would do without him honestly...

I had made some great confessions after I found out some good news and by the end of the day I felt so defeated. Complete stolen peace actually...

The fantastic news is that my dad's house is no longer my issue/problem. Since January, I have been battling lawyers, court systems, and mortgage companies. Not many people even knew I was dealing with all of it. I usually put it out of my mind after I was figuring out what I was going to do. We decided to do a "deed in lieu" which means: we (my brother and I) sign over the deed to the mortgage company instead of foreclosing on the house. It's much easier just to wash our hands clean of it and hand it over to them. And now I can breathe knowing that part of my dad's estate is finally over with. Now just to get the funeral costs paid. At the time, I was 22, jobless, living with my grandpa, and in the process of a planning a wedding. I didn't have $5800 to pay for any of it. And our lawyer told us that we didn't have to. Lawyers will forever have a certain place in my heart and it's not a warm place. He was PARTIALLY right, but never did anything to help us with the paperwork and meanwhile, kept billing us for random phone-calls and emails. Thankfully that part of the estate is also over with...

So as I write this all out, I realize how much I try to take on without even thinking about it. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I was on the verge of tears constantly. I don't know what sane person would be able to take all of that on and still try to keep all the other aspects of their life afloat. But by the grace of God, I do. Couldn't do any of it without Him.

So here we are...FRIDAY. Thank the Lord. Paulie is working til 7 tonight and I'm going to try to relax for a little bit before he gets home I guess. It is pay day and all. Maybe I can pick myself up a cute little sundress or something. Oh the little things...

Neglecting my safe haven...

I remember when I first started this blog. Almost 2 years ago.

I used it to contemplate and express the wonders of life.

It's cool to look back and see God's grace in my life.

Hence the title... :)

I can point back to that every time. God's grace.

I haven't been writing like I used to. Maybe I am intimidated by all the actual contemplation that really does go on in my head when I write. Maybe I'm afraid to let go and lose control of my thoughts or even to be still for a moment and allow myself to drift off. Probably...

I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot lately. It's funny when God places someone in your life that is just like you and completely different all at the same time. ie, my hubs. lol

He loves that I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but sometimes when I try to express to him what is going on in my big ol' plate-of-spaghetti-brain (woman's brain analogy given to me at a Marriage workshop...man's brain is like a waffle-compartmentalized and structured in thought) he ends up confused with where I was going with it.

And then I realize how important it is for women to have other women friends. We know how each other think. Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense, we just know what it means. lol Now THAT doesn't make much sense. :)

Because of the current of life, a lot of my friends have moved on (both literally and figuratively). And I'm left hanging onto the friendship we had in the past. Then I wonder why something seems missing...it's because the distance that has been placed between us has created a gap in our knowledge of each other and who we are becoming. And then a part of me wants to say: "well, it's not like I have any friends."

I know that isn't true and that sometimes things change when you get married. But almost all of my girlfriends that I still "stay in touch" with have their own lives and I'm not physically present in theirs' anymore.

Maybe that is just the place I'm in right now. Maybe when our lives shift, the idea of friendships change. We no longer "spend the night" and stay up all night and talk about crushes and our guilty pleasures. Maybe we are just "there" for one another when we need someone to call.

I don't know. Guess just another one of my recent revelations.

Maybe I am a lone ranger when it comes to friendships. I don't HAVE to be surrounded at all times, but when I am, it is a nice bonus.

So here is to all my dear friends...wherever you are. Even when I'm not there with you, know that I think about all of you often.

Peace & Love.

Beach dreaming.

A patient today asked me when I got married. When I told him December, he asked why. I briefly told him that when Paul and I started dating and talking about marriage, we always pictured a December wedding. I didn't tell him that God prompted me about December 5th based on a poem I wrote to my soul-mate, but he I think I answered his question efficiently.

I then said something about our honeymoon and jokingly said, "Yeah, he (Paul) owes me a trip to the beach soon."

Then as soon as the patient left, I started day-dreaming of the ocean. Paul and I didn't travel to Mexico, The Bahamas, or even sunny Florida for our honeymoon. We simply could not afford it. We had to pull together enough money for the wedding and new apartment expenses. So we figured it didn't matter where we went. As long as we were together. And that's how I will forever remember it. Our lives were so hectic at the time, that cuddling in the bed in our hotel room on a cold, windy, icy December in Chicago was all we needed. Yep, me and Paul bundled up watching the Sci-Fi channel's "Scare Tactics" with Tracy Morgan. :) Still makes me laugh.

But as we approach warmer weather, I can't help but dream of the beach. There is just something so calming and beautiful about the ocean. You just feel so small beside it. And I believe God intended it to be that way. It's one of the coolest ways for God to make you realize that you can't do everything, you need Him, and that you enjoy His marvelous wonders.

I miss the beach tremendously. Paul and I got a chance to walk along the beach in January 2009 during a youth conference, but it wasn't very warm to go swimming. There's something amazing about BEING in the ocean too. Water all around you for miles and miles and miles. Neverending. Like heaven. Neverending and glorious.

Maybe someday Paul and I will be able to take a vacation together (before kids) and enjoy some time away from work and church.

This is week 5 away from him. He'll be gone until June 1st. *Sigh* I just miss BEING with him. No pressures or deadlines or practices or meetings or appointments or WORK. Just us and time.
Ah, that sounds awesome. :) It's always just the little things that I appreciate. Time is all I want with him.

Soon. I know that God is using this time to bless us and make us stronger. We're building up our nest egg and by the time our lease is up we will have more than enough for a down payment. And when I think of our house, it makes it alllll worth it. :)

Here's to beach dreaming in the meantime...

Peace & Love.

Change is my middle name.

I think I could go back through my previous blog entries and see a chain of similiarities of one word describing my life... CHANGE!

God has been shaping and molding me a lot lately. Asking me to give up some bad behaviors/habits/thoughts, etc. And normally, I grow weak and give into my own fleshful desires to seek that instant pleasure those things, words, activities may give me at any given time.

And lately, by the Grace of God, I have been finding it in me to stick to my convictions.

Facebook was destroying my peace and I needed to do something about my slight addiction to the socially acceptable gossipping tool.

Since '04/'05, I had been a part of the facebook network. Many of you might recall that facebook was created for college students as a way to stay in touch with fellow classmates. Back when I was at SLU, only a selected number of universities/colleges were a part of this new social networking world. Friends used to skip class to "mess around on facebook" because it was all so new to everyone. You could post pictures and comment on people's walls or send a message. It was very basic and pretty harmless.

Then they opened up the networking system to high school students, which then enabled a younger generation (I believe you did have to be over 14 to use it, but I'm sure people lied about their age) to add to the fun world of facebook. Then facebook opened up it's doors to anyone from anywhere who had an existing email address to access the site. I think this is where it got out of hand for me. All of a sudden people from all over the place were finding me. Parents, relatives, cousins were able to see what was going on in your life and make it known to the whole facebook world what they thought of your new profile pic or upload their own emabarrassing picture of you.

Facebook started fights between friends because it was a way you could mention something someone did to you without calling them out by name, but EVERYONE knew who you were talking about. You be-friended someone just because you met them once at a party or had a class with them and talked maybe once the whole semester.

So when I graduated from SIUE, I used facebook to stay in touch with friends and catch up on the lately SIUE Theatre Department gossip. Then I started going to Faith Church, met Paul, and had less interest in what shows SIUE was doing or who said what to whom. I began deleting fellow SIUE alum because I found myself growing bitter towards their life's direction. I attempted to de-activate my facebook and made it a week without it. I gave in and started making excuses as to why I still needed to be on the site.

But it was causing me to get in trouble at work and extra little anxieties I didn't need. People started lashing out at me in their comments regarding my faith, and I felt betrayed by certain friends who weren't supportive of my decisions to stay in St. Louis and get married. I then chose to 'clean house' in the facebook friends list. I deleted so many people that I realized the only ones who I remained friends with were people I saw on a daily/weekly basis. Everyone else had my number or I had their's.

After the zillionith high strung conversation with Paul starting with "then today I saw on facebook..." he sincerely asked me why I bother to look at that junk every day? And I honestly didn't have a solid reason but because of boredom. And I felt God asking me to get rid of that junk from my life.

Now I know that using facebook doesn't make you a bad person or that it is a sin to endulge in the social aspect of this new age of technology. But for me, I didn't like who it was making me. I was judging more, I was gossiping behind people's backs, I was growing bitter at other's life experiences...I a meltdown last week because someone's enagement pictures were flawless (not that mine weren't...I love mine and this is why I was thinking something was wrong) and I wished I had thought of certain ideas that they did. God was showing me some hidden flaws of my character through this behavior. Maybe not hidden, but surpressed.

So I'm working on some things. I want to shine out peace, love, and joy. I want people to see God through me and I won't be able to do that if I'm constantly bickering, complaining, comparing myself to others, and whining.

I deleted my facebook.

And I feel sooooo GOOD! No pressure or anxiety about blocking people from my past or denying an invite to a party. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again! So because of this decision, I have to try MUCH harder to stay in touch with friends. And I'm going to do it the way people did it BEFORE the days of facebook...coffee dates and phone calls! How bout that idea! Sounds ingenius!

Oh, and I'm gonna call or text someone on their birthday. This whole "facebook reminded me it was your birthday" thing is soooo impersonal! Come on, let's send snail mail again or birthday cards! I'm not going to follow the fold in this life. I want to make the most out of every day and enjoy the little things in life. No more virtual reality, I want the real thing!

Peace & Love.

And I'm feelin... GOOD!

My amazing hubby bought me a ticket to Hillsong United since he knew I wanted to go so badly but couldn't make it because he's currently being my Superman working out of town for the next week or so. Since we were only buying 1 ticket, metrotix was nice enough to get me 5th row in the pit!!! Holy cow!

I am so ready for this night of worship. I have never been to a concert like this in my life and I KNOW it's going to be so anointed and powerful! It couldn't come at a more perfect time either.

Just need to get through the rest of the day at work and I'll be good.

Come on 3 o'clock!!!

God's been dealin' with me...

Last week was rough.

Rough mentally, spiritually, physically.

Just plain rough.

The week started off great: Paul and I BOTH got off of work early and got some amazing quality time together. Just being goofy with each other and loving every minute!

But then Tuesday hit. Ugh. Traffic was horrible going into work and leaving. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Paul was already home and because of a stupid bill that I wasn't expecting, I got upset and fast. I wanted to do nothing but run. Physically run. So before I could even greet Paul, I rushed to put on my work out clothes and get ready to run through the tears. Didn't know why I was so upset. It wasn't my hormones. I just was burn out I guess.

And then when I thought things would get better because it was a new day, a trainwreck happened mid-movie time with Paul Wednesday night.

You see, there's a time in my life that Paul knows little about. He's heard stories, mostly negative (because I was bitter), and seen pictures. But his opinion of this time in my life is solely based on those things because he didn't know me at this time in my life. It's hard for my re-newed mind to grasp things of my past. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't fit any more. I found out that a local theatre company is producing a favorite show of mine (a show that I've done before) and I freaked! Something deep down inside me wanted this opportunity again. I knew from experience, Paul has a hard time understanding this part of my life. So I bi-passed him and called my mom. Bad call, but I wanted validation! I was going to do this show even if it cost me precious time with Paul!


I was getting myself deeper in a big ol' mess and I didn't seem to see it!

I see it now.

I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how my decision would affect someone else's life. We barely get to see each other as it is. I said some hurtful things to him as I was fighting to hold onto MY wants and MY desires. Also, I was comparing a person to a thing. God blessed me with a relationship...a MARRIAGE...something I never had when I did theatre. Mostly because it's hard to balance them at the same time and still come out with a healthy marriage and feel satisfied in other aspects of your life because they take SO MUCH TIME. I look back on it now and see how I let shows fill a void in my heart. I sought out happiness from something that could only bring me that for a short period of time. Happiness is temporary because it is based on what HAPPENS. Joy is something that exists inside you and you can't explain why you are so blessed or full of life. I used my hyper-involvement in theatre as a means for an escape from my pain and loneliness. I'm not lonely or hurting any longer. Praise God!

To ignore the talents God gave me would be a sin, but I have yet to stop using them since I've stopped performing in plays and musicals. I've done numerous dramas and I am one of praise team members at Faith Church! My feet have yet to leave the stage. God never took it away from me. He just shut some doors that He knew weren't good for me anymore. He shut the door to my involvement in theatre by decreasing my passion for it. And for some, that would be a horrible thing. But for me, it needed to happen. I was so obsessed with it, that I didn't have time for God or anyone or anything else. And let's not forget about my PRIDE issue. Whew, I was full of myself...


I figured if God wants me to go back to the secular stage, He will make it blatantly obvious. I thought that this last interest was it, but that was based on past experiences and it ended up creating a wall between Paul and I. How could I allow that to happen to the biggest blessing God has given me?

I can't and I won't.

So God has been dealing with me about selfishness. I found an article on Boundless.org (a Focus on the Family website) entitled "The Shock to Our Selfishness" by Heather Koerner. Heather writes about how the shock to our selfishness is initiated by marriage itself. God is asking us to put aside our needs and wants to make room to focuse on others' needs/wants. The blessing that comes from that kind of lifestyle is amazing.

Still workin' on it...

Peace&Love.

Going along with the changes, but not agreeing with it.

My eyes have been opened up to many new things lately...especially in regards to my faith and things surrounding the spiritual realm. Not to sound like a big ol' wack-job, but my life has gotten a little taste of things that are unseen and almost unspoken about. I've never believed in ghosts, but always knew that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against prinicipalities and rulers of darkness" as Apostle Paul put in in the Bible. So there are reasons for certain distasters and diseases and creepy feelings/noises in "haunted" houses. (none of which are from God). And when you die, your spirit does not linger here on Earth. There is no such thing as purgatory. You live in eternity in either heaven or hell. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Whether that be your job, your family, your life....

But the GREAT news is that God turns all of that around and uses it for GOOD!

Anyway, because of this new-found knowledge, my faith has grown stronger. Now that I know what we are up against, I know that I need to strengthen my faith and put on the full armor of God. We ARE in the mist of a spiritual warfare, whether you want to believe it or not. We must not walk by what we see, but what we believe to be true!

All this talk about thousands of teachers in the US loosing their jobs (around 17,000 just in IL) and the new healthcare reform bill, gets me thinking that one must look to something bigger than ourselves! We MUST! The government can't take care of us anymore. If they ever could. Heck, we are losing our freedom left and right. Our God is a god of more than enough and a god of over-abundance....these new changes in our society and government do not bring the word abundance to mind...well, not in the positive light any way.

And back to the teachers cut topic, I can now see why God had asked me to back down on going back to school to get certified to teach theatre. If we don't have enough money to fund a math teacher or an english teacher, how would we EVER have enough federal compensation for theatre?! Not to mention how much debt one gets into when they sign up for MORE student loans! I already owe close to $25,000 and I don't even use my degree completely at my job (how many more people can say that...come on you english lit majors!). But God will continue to take care of me even if my decision to attend college and study theatre was completely done selfishly and carelessly. I never took time to pray about it. I just did what FELT good. Faith isn't based on feelings, but I cannot kick myself any longer. What's done is done and I may not be where I am today if I didn't transfer schools or choose certain paths. Heck, I wouldn't have a testimony to share with others about how AMAZING our God is and was to me during that dark time of seperation from Him!

So...just letting certain topics sink in and not go around ignorant. I like to find answers to what is going on around us. Seek and ye shall find!

Peace&Love.

Mondays are...

blah when it is rainy and gloomy outside and you'd rather be at home cuddled in bed with your hubby.

But alas, this is not an option at this time of day.

Nope.

Found a new project to work on...I'm going to "blurb" our wedding album. I think it's much easier to display on a coffee table then a big ol' chunky photo album. I probably will find some way to use my scrapbooking skills to create a more "hands on" type of album, but I feel like I could definitely tell our story through pictures and words using this type of publishing tool. So, we'll see how much time it will take up. I'm not good a projects that take take time to complete. I like the kind that I can complete in one sitting. This will teach me patience and time management. :)

I realize how starving my artist side is lately. I have always thrived at picture collages and scrapbooking and creative writing: none of which I have done in a long time. And I miss it.

Need to find some time to try...

What projects are you working on in your spare time?

Feeling the love.

I knew Paul was different when he asked permission to kiss me. I knew Paul was different when he looked into my eyes and said "I can truly see myself growing old with you." on our 2nd date. I even knew he was different when he asked my parents for my hand in marriage the night before he proposed to me. And he stood out even more so when he gave me his wedding gift on the way to our reception...a notebook embossed with the words "Journey to Our Wedding" that he had been writing to me shortly after our engagement until the day of our wedding.

Paul proves his unique-ness every single day. No man has EVER treated me the way he does. He truly does love me like Christ loves the Church. With truth, compassion, and unconditional love.



These past few days have been kind of rough for me mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Probably biting off more than I can chew at the time being. So my body is attacking itself right now. My immune system is a lot stronger than it used to be; probably because of my faith. But for the past 3 days, I've wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep the days away. I had a coughing fit in the shower this morning and couldn't stop dry heaving...fun times. But I'm believing in a speedy recovery since my voice will HAVE TO be in tact for this weekend's services (adding 2 more services to the mix).



Any way, Paul has definitely taken care of me and gets the "Best Husband Ever" Award most definitely. :) From, cooking me dinner, to folding the laundry (which I know he HATES doing), to rubbin my feet...he's truly a God-send.


After my dry-heaving adventure this morning, I got to work and sat down at my desk and started my day. Around 10 am I got a delivery in which I had to sign for...

The card reads "Just thinking of you..."

And the simple words say it all because I know he is. As am I ALWAYS thinking of him and how I can show him my love.

I'm a girly girl and I like flowers and chocolate and love letters. Deep down inside, I believe, all women do (whether they want to admit it or not).

So I'm "feelin' the love" and I'm growing deeper in faith and love with Paul every day. Tonight is our mid-week night off together and I cannot wait. No distractions. Just us.

Man, I love him more than words can say.

ENOY THIS BEAUTIFUL WEATHER!!! SPRING IS ON IT'S WAY!!! :)

Peace&Love.

My heart grows soft...

I've been listening to a lot of Christian music lately. Luckily St. Louis is getting a stronger signal for Joy FM and it will soon reach 2.7 million people on 99.1 (the classical station we now know of). But I realized how God will speak to you through the lyrics of these songs. I find the Fireproof soundtrack hits home more often than not. "Love is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield and "The Words that I would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets are two that bring a tear to my eye everytime I hear them.

I can see God using this music to keep my heart tender. Tender towards myself, towards strangers, tender towards situations that are out of my control...

And boy do I need it!

I find myself getting really tense and on defense-mode when my hormones decide to go crazy once a month. I know every woman deals with this on many levels, but we should have some control over how we react when that time comes. This has been my biggest challenge the past few years. I've gotten much better over the past year. Not as many panic attacks or 'freak out' moments. That's good right? :) Not to say that I'm not tempted to go that direction. Believe me, there are some folks I come into contact that test my patience more than I would like.

But again, it's this music that I listen to on a daily basis that keeps my heart and head in check. And I find myself needing it more than before. I hear God asking me to "relax" and to stop thinking about the things that have gone WRONG and look for what is going RIGHT. To stop judging my progress with those around me. And the training that I received had me doing that ALL THE TIME! How can I be better than my competition? This is my "type"...how can I stand out above all of them and look more beautiful, be more talented? And then I try to understand why I'm comparing myself to everyone all the time. My degree forced me to do that every day. *Sigh*

Any way, I'm not my degree. I'm Emily. Made in God's image. That's it.

Peace&Love.

Enjoying the time in between.

When we have goals that we are striving to reach, the hardest part is the time in between. The waiting can sometimes drive us crazy and we seem to be moving so slowly towards our destination.

But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!

Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.

So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.

But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!

Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.

Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.

CrAzY FAVOR IN 2010!

Last night's message hit me hard. Our pastor, Pastor Dave, and his wife Nicole are currently visting Joel Osteen's church, Lakewood Church in Houston. They've been asked to represent Lakewood as a sister church in the midwest. Pretty big stuff! They both hung out with Joel all day and toured all the in's and out's of Lakewood. They filmed promos for this new branch in his ministry and grew together in fellowship.

So while our pastors were in Texas, we had a great man of God speak into our lives last night at Faith Church's Tuesday night's service. Dennis Hammond's word was compelling and full of hope for the Body of Christ. He spoke about the amazing favor God's people are about to experience in this year...this DECADE! It's going to be ridiculous! And I believe it! God's people are going to see so much favor and blessing around them they won't know what to do with it! Checks are in the mail, promotions are coming, the right connections, the right jobs, the right spouses...they are on their way to those who believe!

So as I was chewing on this great word last night, my attention was brought to the favor I have already found in my life so far in 2010! Our tax return alone (seriously not bragging guys, just showing you how amazing God is) was jaw dropping and even left Paul's parents were scratching their heads. And aside from my student loan debt (which I pay more than the minimum payment every month), Paul and I have have lessened our debt below $300, we paid off 3 of his credit cards, 1 of mine, and now are working on 2 of mine which are both fairly low. And then yesterday I got our car insurance policy for the new term in the mail and they lowered the monthly payment by almost $60 for no reason! So with that and Paul's credit card bills gone, we are saving well over $100 every month. That's more money that we can give and more money to help us for various things that pop up. But when I see the greatest favor, I don't think of money or finances, but love.

How can I now be in awe of what God brought into my life? Although Paul and I have been together since 2008, things have seemed more honest, truthful, and passionate between us since we got married. Our love has reach a different level that I can't find the words to describe. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I ALWAYS have someone to pick me up at the end of a crappy day and he's always finding different ways to make me laugh. :)

I was talking to a friend's mom the other night at church at how I can't get over the change God is making in my life. And how much happier I am than most of my friends who are searching for some type of validation from the world. You don't need some random stranger to tell you you are talented or beautiful! Just believe it because God says you are! He LOVES you!!!!

Anyway, because of all the crappy relationships in my past, I can see that favor because God brought Paul into my life. It's perfect. I know we'll have our hard times down the road, but if anything, I think it's gotten easier since we got married. We fought more in the beginning (probably because I was in the midst of a heart change and was resisting it big time). But things are great and I'm so happy with where life is. Not to mention that God is STILL letting me be on stage and sing my heart out. I love it. Favor with that: one of 6 people selected from about 15 plus singers to perform at the Israel Houghton concert on Friday!!! Soooo.....EXCITEd!!!

Also SUPER SUPER SUPER happy for my friend Kelly who discovered her soulmate Josh a few weeks ago. I've known Kelly since we were 5. We grew up in the same church, played in band together, went through the same school system, and graduated together from Wesclin in 2004. Josh is a sweetheart to her and I'm so excited for the both of them. :)

Life is good.

Peace&Love.

Wants and desires gone astray

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

when life gets simple...

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

Out on a limb.

A couple months ago I came across an old close friend's twitter account page. This "old friend" blocked me out of their life in all areas socially. We live about 1200 miles away from each other so there was already physical distance between us. But the last time we spoke was back in early June 2008. He just stopped calling and stopped answering my texts and phonecalls. Then all of a sudden I was off of his top friends on myspace (this was a huge deal back then, lol) then deleted from myspace, then deleted from facebook. He never responded to messages or emails and I even went out on a limb and mailed him a handwritten letter. But he had basically fallen off the face of the earth. This hurt my heart so much because we spent so much of our time talking to each other. I remember calling him every night straight for 9 or so months. I even spent extra loan money on a trip to visit him to see him in person for the first time in over 2 years.

We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)

So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.

So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?

I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.

Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.

Peace & Love.

A place called "there."

I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?

For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."

And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...

My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...

My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!

Another area that needs working...
My mind.

I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.

I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.

This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.

Have a blessed weekend my friends.

Peace & Love.

Mmm...Bread Co soup...mmm...

I'm content. Sometimes it doesn't take much. And today's one of those days. :)

Paulie got off work early and he's snug in our bed and I'm relaxing the only way I know how. Writing. Just taking time to chill and not dwell on negatives or issues. Just relaxin.

I've been downloading Joyce Meyer's podcasts a lot lately. She makes me laugh. I love how blunt she is. And ironically, every message she speaks is for me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. It's nice to know that I'm not alone with my imperfections. And I've got a lot of 'em! But I'm workin' on it...

She's been talking a lot about spiritual maturity. The fruit and gifts of the spirit. It's awesome. She talks about how God blesses some of us with gifts like playing music/singing or photography or making awesome accessories like Jillian Pye! :) He gives us gifts for others' enjoyment, not for us to get jealous over. But not every one has those gifts. But He DOES give us all fruits. But we must DEVELOPE them to enjoy them. Good word, good word.

Any way, life is great. I'm happy. And Paul has been home for 7 days straight and it has been FANTASTIC!!! :) I have my hubby alllllll to myself.

I'm gonna share you one of my favorite pictures from the wedding. Thanks goes to Brittany Browers...

Brrrr....it's cold!

It's quite nippy outside, isn't it? (said with a cockny/British accent of course) haha.

I came into work this morning and froze my everything off because it was like 40 degrees in the office! It's been a nice easy day though and I almost feel like I'm at home catching up on odds and ends, but the cool thing is that I'm getting paid! :) I've got the space heater by my tootsies to try to keep them warm while my frozen fingers type away. As long as something is staying warm on my body, I'm okay.

So good news...Paulie's home! :) I'm going to enjoy this Friday night with him so much! I don't think he has to work in the morning either so this will be our 1ST Saturday that we get to sleep in together!!! 5 weeks of marriage and we finally get to enjoy that. So that's fun.

I can definitely sense the changes in the air with a lot of things in my life: work is getting easier for me (not as stressful), finances are becoming easier to handle, my pride level is at an all-time low lately in regards to singing with the praise team....

Now to discuss this one a bit further...
Because I have ALWAYS performed in front of people, I soaked up that applause like no one's business. Not to bring the glory to God, but to myself. This was a HUGE obstacle for me in 2009. HUGE. I got upset time and time again at rehearsals for the youth band or the Praise team because "I wasn't being noticed or recognized" for my ability. But it's taken so many prayers and time with God to get Him to break that off of me. "Take me, break me...show me what to do...Take me, shape me...teach me to be like You." (Daniel's Window) became my cry to God. And I'm feeling better about it all.

Last night's rehearsal was AWESOME. We even added 2 new singers to the mix and I was EXCITED about it. Normally I would get upset because I knew that it just meant I had to work even harder to get noticed. But it's not a competition. God hears everyone's voice, and He's not just interested in our voices, but our HEARTS. He can tell when you're faking it. When you're looking for the glory instead. And I pray all the time to be humbled. It's the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with. The world teaches us to seek fame and fortune. How many actors/performers/singers/musicians dream of that day when they can give their acceptance speech at the Grammy's/Oscar's/Tony's/Emmy's? I know I talked about it many times on here. Many many many. I wanted to be noticed for the gifts God blessed me with. And that seemed alright in my eyes...but I wanted the glory, the fame, the attention.

This is my new song...and I believe in EVERY word:
http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742244706842939

It talks about moving out of the way and letting God be seen through you. Becoming invisible so the audience sees Him. We're not supposed to want to out-shine God. We have to let others see His glorious and beautiful light. We are His hands and His feet and somtimes His voice. So if you are struggling with this issue of pride (with any gift God has given you) know that you are not alone. Just ask Him to humble you. Ask Him for help with your pride issues. And you will begin taking the finger off of yourself and pointing people to Him.

Peace and Love.

Have a fantastic weekend. Love you all.