Created for GREATNESS!

One of the hardest things about living in this world as a Christian is not letting your mind conform to the earthly/carnal/temporal surroundings. The longer you are separated from Kingdom ways, which can be found in the Word of God, the easier it is to begin to think and act like the rest of the world who know so little of God’s ways. We become less and less heavenly-minded and begin to lose our focus on the eternal life that awaits us.

I know that’s why Paul urges us in Romans 12:2 to “not be CONFORMED to this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind.”

The Word of God will transform our carnal way of thinking that we are naturally born with, and once we are born again by receiving Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we must continue our transformation process because we aren’t “home” yet. Although we are citizens of heaven, we still have a temporary residence here on earth and because of that we are subject to its environment. We HAVE TO renew our mind daily with God’s Word.

I’ve personally experienced instances where I have been pulled into following society’s timeline or approval process, measuring the way I lived my life with the world’s standards and regulations. One instance, in particular, is measuring success or accomplishment by popularity and quantity when using the finances, time, talent, or drive that the Lord has so graciously given us to use on this earth. Often we use them to make sure we advance in this life for ourselves, but God’s plan is to use them to bring Him glory and reach people for His Kingdom. To the world, the more people hearing about the accomplishment, the greater the success and the more difference your life just made by contributing your gifts, time, or finances. The world is all about outward appearance, how something looks on the outside.

But the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

If the world saw a story in the newspaper about a shepherd that left 99 sheep to go after 1 that had gone astray, they would consider it absolutely foolish! “You could have lost even more! Think of all of that business you could potentially lose!” I hear.

Or what about King David (who was anointed the next King of Israel and awaiting his throne) who faithfully served King Saul even when he sought to kill him? “Honor his authority?! That throne is rightfully yours! Tell King Saul to take a hike!”

Or how about a man from Nazareth who changed the entire world forever with just twelve people who gave up their entire lives to follow Him? “You have HOW many followers on Twitter…TWELVE?! LOL I have 6 MILLION…I’m WAY more influential than you!”

Ok, the last example may be a stretch, but in today’s culture, many people truly believe having 6 million followers on Twitter is the epitome of success, “living the dream,” and truly “making it.”

Now, I’m not saying that the Lord can’t use someone to advance the Kingdom who has 6 million followers of Twitter, but why do we think that He chooses to use that person over the one who only has twelve Twitter followers (in the context of influence, of course)? My point is that we must break ourselves free from the mindset that your life only matters when people hear about your accomplishments or contributions to society. The world says “MORE, MORE, MORE = GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.” But God is looking at the motive behind our drive to be successful. Let’s face it, we all want to do something great. But I have to ask:

As Christians, is our success becoming about us, or are we pointing others to Jesus?

Are we using our life’s accomplishments to make a difference in the world even if it just for one person and your name isn’t in the headlines, on Billboards, on T-shirts, commercials, the credits of the latest TV show or movie?

Are we ok with being an “unknown?”

 

John the Baptist began to lose disciples when Jesus came on the scene, but John knew His purpose on this earth: to prepare the way for the Lord’s coming; to point others straight to the King of Kings so that they can enter the gate of Salvation.

“More of Him and less of me,” John declared in John 3:30. This should be our mindset too as we prepare for the Lord’s second coming.

It is our nature to be self-centered, to long for recognition, to be applauded for our efforts, etc. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting credit for a job well-done, but we should always remember that “we are not our own. We’ve been bought with a price” (1 Corinthians 6:20). Anything we do, we should always give the credit and the glory to the One who gave us the ability to accomplish it and want nothing more than for others to grow and mature into a strong, healthy relationship with their Heavenly Father and Creator. He sees each life as precious and doesn’t weigh one life more important than another.

So to the stay-at-home mom raising those little ones, you are doing great things! You are successful!

To the CEO of that multi-million dollar company, you are doing great things! You are successful!

And to that youth pastor with a group of ten kids who you minister to week in and week out, you are doing great things! You are successful!

Just REMEMBER, that success is to advance the Kingdom and win others to Christ…one person at time!

Give God the glory He deserves, not only with your words but with your heart…He created you to do great things!

Here I stand, Lord.

It's been an intense 2 months. A lot of transitions. A lot of pruning. A lot of growing.

When Paul and I decided to to step down at Wrecked and become more involved at Church in Action, we didn't know that the Lord would need us to dive in so quickly. But what I have been hearing consistently lately is "the harvest is great, but the laborers are few." God needs us to get serious and not waste a moment of time.

I could move whenever a door opens, but that would not be wise at all. So I have been waiting on the Lord and trusting that He will position me exactly where He needs me. There can be no room for comparison or questioning God's timing or ways. Who am I to question the Creator the Universe? I can read Job to see the rebuke he got from God when he did. No, I must stand firm and boldly say, "Here I am, Lord. I will go, Lord. Lead me and I will follow."

 

I am starting to understand the body of Christ more and more each day. As Jesus reveals more to me about His body and His bride, I begin to see my purpose more clearly as a member of it. I may not confidently know if I am a hand or a mouth, but I do know I am called to love and make disciples wherever I am, even if it doesn't look like I can in a medical office answering phone calls and verifying insurance benefits. He has me EXACTLY where He needs me. I don't need to know why. He's God (I am not), and He says so, that's why! Until He tells me to go, I must stay put and "work at it with all of my heart for the Lord" (Colossians 3:23). If God wanted me to move or to constantly travel from country to country, then He would tell me this and make a way for that to happen. I would know without a shadow of a doubt that I have been chosen to proclaim Christ to the nations as a traveling missionary. But He has not told me to. I have recently realized that my husband and I have been called to be a a part of the wallet for the body and this season is focusing on it now more than ever as we get closer to being out of debt. Praise God! We have jobs in the secular world to help propagate the gospel and send missionaries to places outside of St. Louis.

 

Although it doesn't seem as exciting, I know that I am doing MY PART to help fulfill the mission of advancing the Kingdom of God. I cannot wait for the day when I get to write checks to missionaries to take care of their financial pressures. I get even more excited when I think about meeting others' needs by feeding them, clothing them, and helping them get out of debt (my heart is for the student who has bought the lie that you HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR IT TO STUDY SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT EVEN FIND A JOB DOING WHAT YOU STUDIED and is strapped with thousands of dollars of debt before they are even 25). How can we advance the Kingdom if we are all in horrible debt? This is an epidemic in America and we are so blinded! This will be a part of our ministry, I know it.

 

Another part of our ministry that God has been revealing to us has to do with justice. I know that when you take a stand for something that is wrong, there will be 10 other people who want to tell you to shut up and sit down. Now when you bring God's name into it, sadly, there will be thousands more people who do not want you to speak up at all and will attack you. This is because the devil wants to silent us and take our authority by deceiving us into thinking we have none. He doesn't like it when light is shed upon the dark things he has worked so hard to create in our world. But we must shine bright!

 

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

 

I will shine bright for you God!

 

3 more days until JUSTICE PRAYER GATHERING and I can't wait to gather with a group of radical Christ followers to pray for our city, nation, and world. And as we speak, people are attacking it and me. But we must stand firm and be BOLD. In the end, it will all be worth it!!!

 

Peace&Love.

Emily

Friday daze

Got a chance to sleep in a little bit this morning (bc my boss rocks) and find myself wanting to cuddle up next to the heater and take a nap already.

Not feeling up to working full force today. Haven't been for the last few days actually. Kinda funny cuz I almost drove to the Wrecked building this morning instead of work so that shows you where my heart lies right now. I want to immerse myself in worship sets and write music all day long. But alas, God has placed me here in this season to verify insurance benefits and schedule appointments. Lol. Such a calling! Sorry for being fecisious. Health insurance just isn't the most exciting to work with.

I'm just having one of those days where I almost get sick thinking of this season lasting another 4 years (at least our plan for now) until I get to be a stay at home mom (my true calling). But must remain patient and in faith that God has it all under control. My sour attitude today probably has something to do with denying myself natural pleasures for almost 2 weeks now. How I crave chocolate! Oh well...it's good for me.

At least more puzzle pieces are coming together for Paul's true calling. He has always wanted to be a cop and now that he is 21 he can finally go through the Academy. The next class doesn't start until January so God is moving some stuff around to make it all possible for him to go to school and graduate from the Academy...big steps for a homeschooler who has never attended public school! I will help him though. Who knew I would get to enjoy the stresses of college all over again! Haha. But it is cuz I love my hubs that we will do it together.

Keep ya posted on this transition....

Peace&love.

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Enough to heal

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction.
He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be.
On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings. 
Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol
I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :)
The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know...
Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God.
Love&peace.
Em


Icky.

Yesterday is a blur. Mostly because I slept the majority of it once I got home from work. I think I saw Paul for about an hour total last night. He got home late (as usual) and I was semi-conscious when he came in the bedroom where I laid coughing my head off.

I honestly hate feeling weak. I can confess that "I'm healed in Jesus' name" til I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't make the symptoms suck any less.

Because of the cough and icky sticky mucus in my throat, I can't sing this weekend at church. As a singer, if you can't use your voice, it drives you nutty! Oh well...at least my ears still work so I can still listen to music. That would suck royally if those weren't working too!

I think I'm also getting to the point of my favorite part of the month...hormonal imbalance! Grrrreat!!! lol I was on a call today talking to a patient about how unfair/unjust health insurance companies are and I was so frustrated by the end of the call, that I started crying! Thankful I am in the office alone today. I regained composure and got on with the rest of my day. Is it Friday yet???

I could say that I just need rest, but that is just dumb since I spent a total of 14 hours in bed last night.

Maybe burnt out at work? Who knows...

I will leave you with this awesome video...maybe watching it will help me boost up my day and hopefully your's too!

Peace&Love.

Em

Drainage...

The past few days have been kinda rough mentally. I hate to be a downer but it's the truth. I feel beaten up. No. I have FELT beaten up.

Today is better. Actually a lot better.

I have felt like I was up and down a lot over the last few days. Major chemical imbalances and whatnot. I don't like it when I feel out of control. When I get like that, I want to close my eyes and sleep it away. But I know that isn't healthy at all. Paul had to keep kickin my butt out of bed yesterday and literally tickled me out of bed. I don't know what I would do without him honestly...

I had made some great confessions after I found out some good news and by the end of the day I felt so defeated. Complete stolen peace actually...

The fantastic news is that my dad's house is no longer my issue/problem. Since January, I have been battling lawyers, court systems, and mortgage companies. Not many people even knew I was dealing with all of it. I usually put it out of my mind after I was figuring out what I was going to do. We decided to do a "deed in lieu" which means: we (my brother and I) sign over the deed to the mortgage company instead of foreclosing on the house. It's much easier just to wash our hands clean of it and hand it over to them. And now I can breathe knowing that part of my dad's estate is finally over with. Now just to get the funeral costs paid. At the time, I was 22, jobless, living with my grandpa, and in the process of a planning a wedding. I didn't have $5800 to pay for any of it. And our lawyer told us that we didn't have to. Lawyers will forever have a certain place in my heart and it's not a warm place. He was PARTIALLY right, but never did anything to help us with the paperwork and meanwhile, kept billing us for random phone-calls and emails. Thankfully that part of the estate is also over with...

So as I write this all out, I realize how much I try to take on without even thinking about it. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I was on the verge of tears constantly. I don't know what sane person would be able to take all of that on and still try to keep all the other aspects of their life afloat. But by the grace of God, I do. Couldn't do any of it without Him.

So here we are...FRIDAY. Thank the Lord. Paulie is working til 7 tonight and I'm going to try to relax for a little bit before he gets home I guess. It is pay day and all. Maybe I can pick myself up a cute little sundress or something. Oh the little things...

Change is my middle name.

I think I could go back through my previous blog entries and see a chain of similiarities of one word describing my life... CHANGE!

God has been shaping and molding me a lot lately. Asking me to give up some bad behaviors/habits/thoughts, etc. And normally, I grow weak and give into my own fleshful desires to seek that instant pleasure those things, words, activities may give me at any given time.

And lately, by the Grace of God, I have been finding it in me to stick to my convictions.

Facebook was destroying my peace and I needed to do something about my slight addiction to the socially acceptable gossipping tool.

Since '04/'05, I had been a part of the facebook network. Many of you might recall that facebook was created for college students as a way to stay in touch with fellow classmates. Back when I was at SLU, only a selected number of universities/colleges were a part of this new social networking world. Friends used to skip class to "mess around on facebook" because it was all so new to everyone. You could post pictures and comment on people's walls or send a message. It was very basic and pretty harmless.

Then they opened up the networking system to high school students, which then enabled a younger generation (I believe you did have to be over 14 to use it, but I'm sure people lied about their age) to add to the fun world of facebook. Then facebook opened up it's doors to anyone from anywhere who had an existing email address to access the site. I think this is where it got out of hand for me. All of a sudden people from all over the place were finding me. Parents, relatives, cousins were able to see what was going on in your life and make it known to the whole facebook world what they thought of your new profile pic or upload their own emabarrassing picture of you.

Facebook started fights between friends because it was a way you could mention something someone did to you without calling them out by name, but EVERYONE knew who you were talking about. You be-friended someone just because you met them once at a party or had a class with them and talked maybe once the whole semester.

So when I graduated from SIUE, I used facebook to stay in touch with friends and catch up on the lately SIUE Theatre Department gossip. Then I started going to Faith Church, met Paul, and had less interest in what shows SIUE was doing or who said what to whom. I began deleting fellow SIUE alum because I found myself growing bitter towards their life's direction. I attempted to de-activate my facebook and made it a week without it. I gave in and started making excuses as to why I still needed to be on the site.

But it was causing me to get in trouble at work and extra little anxieties I didn't need. People started lashing out at me in their comments regarding my faith, and I felt betrayed by certain friends who weren't supportive of my decisions to stay in St. Louis and get married. I then chose to 'clean house' in the facebook friends list. I deleted so many people that I realized the only ones who I remained friends with were people I saw on a daily/weekly basis. Everyone else had my number or I had their's.

After the zillionith high strung conversation with Paul starting with "then today I saw on facebook..." he sincerely asked me why I bother to look at that junk every day? And I honestly didn't have a solid reason but because of boredom. And I felt God asking me to get rid of that junk from my life.

Now I know that using facebook doesn't make you a bad person or that it is a sin to endulge in the social aspect of this new age of technology. But for me, I didn't like who it was making me. I was judging more, I was gossiping behind people's backs, I was growing bitter at other's life experiences...I a meltdown last week because someone's enagement pictures were flawless (not that mine weren't...I love mine and this is why I was thinking something was wrong) and I wished I had thought of certain ideas that they did. God was showing me some hidden flaws of my character through this behavior. Maybe not hidden, but surpressed.

So I'm working on some things. I want to shine out peace, love, and joy. I want people to see God through me and I won't be able to do that if I'm constantly bickering, complaining, comparing myself to others, and whining.

I deleted my facebook.

And I feel sooooo GOOD! No pressure or anxiety about blocking people from my past or denying an invite to a party. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again! So because of this decision, I have to try MUCH harder to stay in touch with friends. And I'm going to do it the way people did it BEFORE the days of facebook...coffee dates and phone calls! How bout that idea! Sounds ingenius!

Oh, and I'm gonna call or text someone on their birthday. This whole "facebook reminded me it was your birthday" thing is soooo impersonal! Come on, let's send snail mail again or birthday cards! I'm not going to follow the fold in this life. I want to make the most out of every day and enjoy the little things in life. No more virtual reality, I want the real thing!

Peace & Love.

Enjoying the time in between.

When we have goals that we are striving to reach, the hardest part is the time in between. The waiting can sometimes drive us crazy and we seem to be moving so slowly towards our destination.

But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!

Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.

So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.

But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!

Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.

Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.

when life gets simple...

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

A place called "there."

I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?

For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."

And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...

My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...

My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!

Another area that needs working...
My mind.

I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.

I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.

This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.

Have a blessed weekend my friends.

Peace & Love.

These next 2 weeks are gonna be difficult!

Paul left this morning for an out of town job that will keep him from my presence for the next 2 weeks. He'll come back this weekend. There's a possibility that I will see him Friday night, but who knows. It's hard when you are used to spending every day with your best friend and then they are gone for awhile. This time a part will be good for us and good for me to take a breather and have some alone time with God and my own thoughts. That could be a bad thing if I let it, but I'm not gonna let it.

This Monday was looking pretty scary at work. I was not really in the mood to deal with patients. Just having a case of the Mondays I suppose...

I'm having a better day now that I have my cherry pepsi at hand. :) It's the little things that help me get through my day.

In other news...
Count-down to the wedding...145 more days!
Got approved for a Kohls credit card-this means my credit is hopefully getting better and will greaten our chances for apartments and home-loans and what-not. Big girl stuff!

Anyway, slow work week. People really don't have the dough to spend on $450 orthotics I suppose. Hope y'all have a good week!

Peace & Love.

Having another one of those...

growing-up-sucks-moments.

I'm also extremely hormonal so that does not help either.

I'm not going to try to complain in this post, but TRY to just talk.

I have had massive headaches, all-day-long headaches, for the past month and on and off again headaches for probably the past 4. I know that there are several reasons for these headaches, stress, caffeine withdrawls, lack of water, lack of sleep, poor diet, and finally have figured out the big one...old lenses prescription...7 years old. No wonder I have had these headaches! My eyes are like..."You idiot! We are so tired...what are you doing to us??!!!"

So I stayed home today to rest those strained eyeballs and get an eye exam scheduled ASAP. Because lenses are so friggin expensive, I've got to dip into my savings, which is for the wedding. And that is where my stress comes from...saving up for the biggest day of my entire life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm having trouble with saving up. I spend 300 is gas alone every month just to get to work. I'm still commuting and it is the one thing I loathe more than anything. I'm staying in New Baden just to save on money because of rent issues. *Sigh*

Meanwhile in the land of Emily Rose...my brain sends me around in circles. When I end up talking to Paul about it, I sound crazy because I repeat myself without meaning to. It also doesn't help because I'm constantly wishing I was younger. I find myself wanting to go back to the days where all I had to worry about was waking up to go to class. Maybe as humans we are never satisified with our circumstances. And that's where I get the most frustrated. I was so happy to graduate last May and leave the stress of college behind me. What about being happy to leave the stressful auditions behind me as well? Several months ago, I would have killed to have a job and save me from my facebook and blogging boredom. Not to mention the nanny days...boooorrrrinnggg....

And yet, here I sit, whining about how I hate being a grown-up. How I miss summer vacation. How I miss performing in Disney's High School Musical with everyone. How I miss listening to music and journaling all day long. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because it's July and I should be swimming and playing outside. I have experienced full-time work for the first time in my life and I got so caught up in that, that I almost forgot it was summer. Sitting in an office at a computer was not what I wanted for my life, but it's what will do for now as we save up for a life together. *Sigh* Do we all wish to be kids again? I love having Paul. If I could have that and be a kid at the same time, I think that would be my idea of heaven. And maybe that's what heaven is like. A life as a child with no stress or worldly obligations such as work, bills, or health problems.

Yes, I'm having one of those days today. Questioning my future. Questioning my desires. Questioning myself and my passions. Putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God knows best. It's just so difficult to sit "here" when you want to be "there." Wherever "there" is...I have no idea.

Another day goes by...

When did I grow up?

I stayed home today because my body was screaming at me to do so. I've been running myself ragged for over a month and my immune system is definitely showing it. But it was nice to get a chance to sleep in, clean my messy room, put away laundry that has been sitting for a week, and do some ironing. *Sigh*

Sometimes I wonder whose life I'm leading since it's changed so drastically in one year. Can you believe that one year ago I was getting ready to graduate college? I can't. It seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I'm now getting ready for marriage. It's weird how life works. You get used to something for a few years and then suddenly, your life takes a turn and you're older. Most people, like me, are in gradeschool for 6-7 years, then junior high for 2-3 years, high school for 4 years, and then college for 4-6, and some people continue schooling for 2-5 more years after that. Each time you reach a new level of education, your environment changes, your mindset changes. And each time, you have to get used to the person you are becoming.

I've noticed over and over again that I am not the Emily of a year ago. God did some MAJOR changes to my heart and mind this year and oddly enough, it began shortly after I escaped the grip of education. I no longer could look to the instituation of education to define me. I wasn't a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior any more. I wasn't a cheerleader, band-o, SETO officer, or theatre major. I eventually started to lose the title of "actress" as well. I had to learn how to be Emily Rose. Just me. And let me tell you....it's hard to find yourself when you have been told who you are by someone else your whole life. I'm reminded of the labeling every single time I log onto facebook and I'm bombarded by people from my past. Pictures, stories of cast-parties, and people complaining about writing papers and freaking out about projects that are due. I work now. Yep. I spend my days working in an office, in front of a computer and answering phones. A job I NEVER thought I would be good at, let alone enjoy. But I do and that weirds me out to no end! :) I also spend my nights volunteering at church. Performing silly skits for the kids in the Kids of Faith Ministry and singing with the youth band, Innerlight. And in between work and church, I spend time with my best friend, my fiance, Paul.

I have come to a place where it's okay that I don't have a million friends that I spend all my time with. I'm completely content with what and who God has given me to play out my days. My life is simple, yet it keeps me busy. I am who I am and I wouldn't ever want to change that.

*Sigh* I'm not really sure what this blog was about, but I know that every time I catch a glimpse of my past on facebook, I feel the need to announce the change that has entered my life. I don't party anymore, I don't really act in plays or musicals (or even have the desire...which is REALLY weird), I don't really enjoy watching plays anymore either (I don't know why that is either). I have reached another level of life called ADULTHOOD.

But I'm left wondering...when did I grow up?

At 23, I should be planning a wedding, not a funeral...

So these past few days have been the longest yet fastest days of my life. I can't believe it's already Thursday. I feel like I blinked and it went from Monday to today in just the matter of seconds. But at the same time, I feel like this whole ordeal has been hanging over my head for forever and a day. Each day that passed brought more news and more closure in some odd way. But I'm still finding myself in the heaviest daze and still questioning when I will wake up and the nightmare will finally be over.

Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*

On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.

*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.

I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).

So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!

There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:

“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)

My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)

I leave you with this prayer:

"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)

Peace & Love.

Breaking free from the curse of this family...

My father was bound by alcohol and pornography and very quickly became very lost. The devil had my dad by the throat and the evil that suffocated my dad came to an end Sunday night/Monday morning.

With all the specifics still under investigation, my dad was murdered Sunday night in one house and his body was set a-blaze in a burning house across the street in Washington Park. I don't know who was out to get him, but he was involved in something terrible that eventually lead to his death. His stripper girlfriend is under investigation, but they are trying to make sure he wasn't involved in drugs (I'm pretty sure he wasn't because I would have known about that or found something around the house that made it apparent). I know this doesn't sound real, but it's been on the news and in the paper and I can't even explain to you how much of a daze I have been in since yesterday.

I found out yesterday afternoon about all of this and I finally have the courage to talk about it on here because it's much bigger than just my dad's death. I write this not only to grieve and comprehend what just happened, but to tell everyone that I am here for anyone who's life has been bruised and torn because of alcohol or has had a struggling and complicated relationship with their father.

College is the worst thing to happen to kids when it comes to it's promotion of alcohol and partying. Young people become desensitized to drinking and driving or excessive drinking. I was one of those young people who didn't think twice about getting behind a wheel after a few too many cocktails. "I'll be fine. I'm fine." And the next morning, I couldn't remember how I got home and realized I was NOT fine. I would put myself in a situation where I KNEW the driver was drinking whether in the car or after a night of bar-hopping. I look at these decisions and want to smack myself and all of my friends around me who are guilty of this. IT'S NOT SAFE!!!!!!! You could kill someone and yourself! Wake up!!!!!

Along with drinking and driving, I've been guilty of compromising my morals and getting involved in activities with men who were not my boyfriend, and more specifically not my husband. It's not good when you don't remember how you got in his bed or what you 2 even did that night or how about this question...did he where a condom? Oh God, am I pregnant?!

I didn't drink that much in college, and my friends know that, but I still feel like I could have been headed down a very difficult road if I wasn't careful. Luckily I had a mom and friends to keep me in check and a God who all watched over me with every stumble and mistake.

I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to say anything about this because of legal reasons, but this was my dad, and IS my life and my story. The funeral arrangements cannot be made until they know for sure the details. They legally can't have a funeral without an exact cause of death or death certificate. I'm not looking forward to reliving all of these emotions that day, that's for sure.

With all of that said, I am forever thankful for my support system who came to my aid last night. Bless you all for stopping by or calling. I don't know what I'd do with all of you. Including Paul. He was by my side the entire night holding me and comforting me until I fell asleep. My boss is allowing me all the time I need to rest and grieve. She doesn't know about any of this because I only was told that he was in an accident and I assumed it was a car accident. I only wish it was that simple. There really is evil in this world and I want to work my entire life to stay far away from any of it. I suggest you ask yourself if that next drink truly is worth it if you are beginning to lose any self control.

I love you all too much to see anything like this happen to you and your family.

Be careful and know that God loves you because you are His children. He doesn't want to see anything like this happen to you. But when we take our lives into our own hands and don't listen to God, He can't help you any longer. There's only so many times He can try to stop you from killing yourself before it's just too late.

Sadly, it was too late for my dad. He was too far gone and couldn't be saved.

Don't ever let that happen to you. And I will try my hardest to step in if I become worried about you.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I'll be praying for all of you children of alcoholics. My heart is aching for you too.

Peace and love.

Lookin' ahead way too much...

So I'm not sure why I am looking so far ahead all of a sudden. I'm planning things that haven't even begun yet in hopes that I might "get ahead of the game." God made me a very goal-oriented person, but sometimes I forget not to get too carried away. And I'm pretty sure I'm getting carried away.

It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!

When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?

I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!

Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!

Oh Barbara...

So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.

Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:

So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.

So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.

It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.

So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)

Thanks. I love you all.

Peace & Love forever.

Leaving it, Letting it Go, Letting it Drop...FINALLY & FOR REAL THIS TIME!

So this morning I am chillin, listenin to some good tunes. These are the last days of my unemployment…I can feel it.

I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.

I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.

I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”

What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.

So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:

I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)

I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!

Who are you living for?

This morning's message at Faith Church was centered around the concept of pride. Immediately my ears perked up and I felt God's hand on my heart. I had just apologized to a very dear friend of mine because of my lack of listening. I never thought I was full of pride though. And I was in for a very rude awakening this morning.

Every interuption, every "story-topper," every eagerness to talk about MY problems, all of this is centered in pride. And this is the main reason some people in this world are terrible listeners. When I'm listening to a friend's story, I hear it, but I don't fully listen to it because I'm too busy thinking how this particular story relates to my life or what I'm going to say next. By the time they've finished, or if they even get to finish because I might interupt them, the topic moves to something that pertains to my own life and not theirs. Why is that? I love people. I have a big heart full of love for every human being who crosses paths with me...so why am I so self-involved? I believe it's because I'm so worried about understanding myself that it's not enough for my own self to figure it out, I must go to others to discuss it with them in hopes that they can help me figure it out. But that is so selfish! I'm not getting down on myself, but I know this a major flaw of mine. And God was holding up the mirror this morning. I needed to hear this message.

Now, I've realized the deeper I grow in my faith, the more I see how fragile life can be and how quick it can pass you by. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and wanting so badly to learn how to live in the present, but it wasn't until I realized there was a huge lacking in my relationship with God, that I began to see life so differently. I no longer have to TRY to live in the present, I just live it. I just am. I just exist...I be. I don't think a book, especially that of the world, can teach you how to take advantage of every precious moment. So since I've come into this new lifestyle, I've become at peace and with less worry. It is a major blessing. And I wonder why so many people are so opposed to God? I am open about my faith on here and in daily conversations and I get the same thing: "Oh, that's just not my thing. I'm not really into that..."

Well, I have to ask...WHAT ARE YOU INTO? WHO ARE YOU LIVING FOR? WHY DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

I actually asked this question to someone a few weeks ago because I sensed their pain. They told me that they were living for themselves? "Is it a crime to love oneself?" they asked me. It's good to be comfortable with who you are, but you should not make yourself the center of your own universe. I'm learning how to reach out to others and forget about my own petty troubles. Believe me, I'm working on it as much as possible. But most people who walk in pride don't even know they are walking it it! Be glad that you notice the problem...it means you can work towards fixing it! There are many people out there seriously hurting, but some of us (including myself) are so focused on our own agendas sometimes that we completely miss their cries for help.

I don't understand how some people don't see that there is something MUCH BIGGER than us out there. America's economy is failing. There is no doubt about it. Americans are worshipping the money god and OUR GOD is trying to wake us up by allowing this failing economy to happen. How do you get a child's attention that is so engrossed in the TV? You unplug it! God is just unplugging the money machine because He wants us to wake up and see that He is in charge! It makes me sick how we are all worried about Lindsey Lohan's potential lesbian partner or that so-and-so got kicked off of American Idol. When you really take the time to think about it...it's almost pathetic. No wait, it is pathetic. I've been guilty of it too. I'll include myself in all the mix. But I no longer want to live for this system. Because the world's system is failing. I'm switching systems...God's system. God will continue to provide even when you think it is all crumbling down around you. You lost your job? God will send something to you in time. Are you hungry and flat broke? Your grandpa will give you his last $3 to go buy a cheeseburger (happened to me the other day, no joke) and God will wink at you...if you choose to see life that way. Did your boyfriend cheat on you...did he break your heart? God will mend that broken heart and show you that the hole in your heart will be filled by Him, if you let Him. He will bring the man of your dreams into your life and you will be happier than you ever imagined. All of these things will happen to you if you have faith and believe! Miracles happen every single day. You will only notice them if you choose to believe in them. Open your eyes and see His glory around us!

How can you drift through life without something...someone to live for? Your self will eventually break down and you will be lost. I know someone who knows the way and He loves you so much. His name is J-E-S-U-S.

So what are you waiting for? There is a void in all of our hearts. That void will remain in your heart no matter how much you fill it with sex, drugs, alcohol, impulsive shopping...those things only feel good for a little while. God put that void there so we could fill it with Him. I don't know about you, but I want that void to remain full so that I can live my life with Peace, Joy, and Love.

I know this may sound weird, but I don't think that was all me speaking...God is good my friends.

I call you blessed.

Peace, Joy, & Love.

I get so wrapped up and so burnt out

As always, my life moves way too quickly even for myself.

I've chosen to remain single, despite my own best efforts to complicate my life with a serious relationship that asks of the future way too much. And I'm honestly happy with my decision. If someone that knew me a year or more ago read that last statement, they probably would have to close their mouth because their jaw was hanging open. Yeah, I know, it was something I thought I wanted more than anything. But oddly enough, it's not the case anymore.

I've been trying my hardest to listen to my spirit. Even if I don't believe I hear anything, I still try.

I'm trying to figure out what God wants for my life. It'll be a month since I lost my job next week, and I'm still hanging on with the strongest belief that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. I heard back from someone yesterday and now it's just the matter of exchanging contact info to set up an interview. I'm praying oh so hard that this one is it and that the days work out to where I can still help out in church. I would be working 3-4 nights a week until 9pm, so this means no rehearsals. I'm not too worried about singing in the band anymore. I would just be happy with singing during offering or at the women's meetings or something like that. So a job IS coming my way. It WILL happen!

I've been stressing out so much that I have been slipping away from working out. I'm gonna try to get to the gym today, but it's just the matter of actually getting off of my butt to do it. I'll manage it. I'll get through it.

I'm trying to set my mind on like one thing, but it refuses to focus! Let's just say that my life always remains in a chaotic and complicated state. Human beings cannot exist without chaos. Especially THIS human being. But with God's grace, I will get through it.

Ah Thursday, what do I do on this gorgeous fall day? Work out, and then what? Hmmm....the options are endless when you are unemployed! Hahaha...

Peace and love.