Leaving it, Letting it Go, Letting it Drop...FINALLY & FOR REAL THIS TIME!

So this morning I am chillin, listenin to some good tunes. These are the last days of my unemployment…I can feel it.

I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.

I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.

I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”

What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.

So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:

I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)

I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!