Complete Honesty.

So you know how I like to be the strong, single woman with every intention to make something of herself? You know, Miss Independent who loves her singlehood?

Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.

The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.

I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.

But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.

I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.

I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.

Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.

I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.

Peace, Joy, & Love.