Feeling torn between past and present

I always thought that when someone changes, a piece of their past goes away... never to return, but I realized last night that even within one person, a battle between two selves can occur. The battle was between one's past self and one's present self. Although my mind was dwelling in the past last night, I had to force my body to keep moving forward. This whole situation played out in an actual event while I could have chosen to literally turn my car around and confront a person from my past. But I kept driving because I allowed God to take the wheel. I gave Him the pen for my love story along time ago and I couldn't rip it from His hands just to chase something that has already past. This wasn't all just strictly about my past, but a past LOVE. Even more specifically, a past FORBIDDEN love. I am not ashamed of my life experiences because they all happened for a reason and the Lord turned all the evil into good. Because of my relationship with God, I can now see the good in it.

But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.

The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.

After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.

The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!

So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.

I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!

Peace, Joy, & Love.

:)