A patient today asked me when I got married. When I told him December, he asked why. I briefly told him that when Paul and I started dating and talking about marriage, we always pictured a December wedding. I didn't tell him that God prompted me about December 5th based on a poem I wrote to my soul-mate, but he I think I answered his question efficiently.
I then said something about our honeymoon and jokingly said, "Yeah, he (Paul) owes me a trip to the beach soon."
Then as soon as the patient left, I started day-dreaming of the ocean. Paul and I didn't travel to Mexico, The Bahamas, or even sunny Florida for our honeymoon. We simply could not afford it. We had to pull together enough money for the wedding and new apartment expenses. So we figured it didn't matter where we went. As long as we were together. And that's how I will forever remember it. Our lives were so hectic at the time, that cuddling in the bed in our hotel room on a cold, windy, icy December in Chicago was all we needed. Yep, me and Paul bundled up watching the Sci-Fi channel's "Scare Tactics" with Tracy Morgan. :) Still makes me laugh.
But as we approach warmer weather, I can't help but dream of the beach. There is just something so calming and beautiful about the ocean. You just feel so small beside it. And I believe God intended it to be that way. It's one of the coolest ways for God to make you realize that you can't do everything, you need Him, and that you enjoy His marvelous wonders.
I miss the beach tremendously. Paul and I got a chance to walk along the beach in January 2009 during a youth conference, but it wasn't very warm to go swimming. There's something amazing about BEING in the ocean too. Water all around you for miles and miles and miles. Neverending. Like heaven. Neverending and glorious.
Maybe someday Paul and I will be able to take a vacation together (before kids) and enjoy some time away from work and church.
This is week 5 away from him. He'll be gone until June 1st. *Sigh* I just miss BEING with him. No pressures or deadlines or practices or meetings or appointments or WORK. Just us and time.
Ah, that sounds awesome. :) It's always just the little things that I appreciate. Time is all I want with him.
Soon. I know that God is using this time to bless us and make us stronger. We're building up our nest egg and by the time our lease is up we will have more than enough for a down payment. And when I think of our house, it makes it alllll worth it. :)
Here's to beach dreaming in the meantime...
Peace & Love.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Change is my middle name.
I think I could go back through my previous blog entries and see a chain of similiarities of one word describing my life... CHANGE!
God has been shaping and molding me a lot lately. Asking me to give up some bad behaviors/habits/thoughts, etc. And normally, I grow weak and give into my own fleshful desires to seek that instant pleasure those things, words, activities may give me at any given time.
And lately, by the Grace of God, I have been finding it in me to stick to my convictions.
Facebook was destroying my peace and I needed to do something about my slight addiction to the socially acceptable gossipping tool.
Since '04/'05, I had been a part of the facebook network. Many of you might recall that facebook was created for college students as a way to stay in touch with fellow classmates. Back when I was at SLU, only a selected number of universities/colleges were a part of this new social networking world. Friends used to skip class to "mess around on facebook" because it was all so new to everyone. You could post pictures and comment on people's walls or send a message. It was very basic and pretty harmless.
Then they opened up the networking system to high school students, which then enabled a younger generation (I believe you did have to be over 14 to use it, but I'm sure people lied about their age) to add to the fun world of facebook. Then facebook opened up it's doors to anyone from anywhere who had an existing email address to access the site. I think this is where it got out of hand for me. All of a sudden people from all over the place were finding me. Parents, relatives, cousins were able to see what was going on in your life and make it known to the whole facebook world what they thought of your new profile pic or upload their own emabarrassing picture of you.
Facebook started fights between friends because it was a way you could mention something someone did to you without calling them out by name, but EVERYONE knew who you were talking about. You be-friended someone just because you met them once at a party or had a class with them and talked maybe once the whole semester.
So when I graduated from SIUE, I used facebook to stay in touch with friends and catch up on the lately SIUE Theatre Department gossip. Then I started going to Faith Church, met Paul, and had less interest in what shows SIUE was doing or who said what to whom. I began deleting fellow SIUE alum because I found myself growing bitter towards their life's direction. I attempted to de-activate my facebook and made it a week without it. I gave in and started making excuses as to why I still needed to be on the site.
But it was causing me to get in trouble at work and extra little anxieties I didn't need. People started lashing out at me in their comments regarding my faith, and I felt betrayed by certain friends who weren't supportive of my decisions to stay in St. Louis and get married. I then chose to 'clean house' in the facebook friends list. I deleted so many people that I realized the only ones who I remained friends with were people I saw on a daily/weekly basis. Everyone else had my number or I had their's.
After the zillionith high strung conversation with Paul starting with "then today I saw on facebook..." he sincerely asked me why I bother to look at that junk every day? And I honestly didn't have a solid reason but because of boredom. And I felt God asking me to get rid of that junk from my life.
Now I know that using facebook doesn't make you a bad person or that it is a sin to endulge in the social aspect of this new age of technology. But for me, I didn't like who it was making me. I was judging more, I was gossiping behind people's backs, I was growing bitter at other's life experiences...I a meltdown last week because someone's enagement pictures were flawless (not that mine weren't...I love mine and this is why I was thinking something was wrong) and I wished I had thought of certain ideas that they did. God was showing me some hidden flaws of my character through this behavior. Maybe not hidden, but surpressed.
So I'm working on some things. I want to shine out peace, love, and joy. I want people to see God through me and I won't be able to do that if I'm constantly bickering, complaining, comparing myself to others, and whining.
I deleted my facebook.
And I feel sooooo GOOD! No pressure or anxiety about blocking people from my past or denying an invite to a party. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again! So because of this decision, I have to try MUCH harder to stay in touch with friends. And I'm going to do it the way people did it BEFORE the days of facebook...coffee dates and phone calls! How bout that idea! Sounds ingenius!
Oh, and I'm gonna call or text someone on their birthday. This whole "facebook reminded me it was your birthday" thing is soooo impersonal! Come on, let's send snail mail again or birthday cards! I'm not going to follow the fold in this life. I want to make the most out of every day and enjoy the little things in life. No more virtual reality, I want the real thing!
Peace & Love.
God has been shaping and molding me a lot lately. Asking me to give up some bad behaviors/habits/thoughts, etc. And normally, I grow weak and give into my own fleshful desires to seek that instant pleasure those things, words, activities may give me at any given time.
And lately, by the Grace of God, I have been finding it in me to stick to my convictions.
Facebook was destroying my peace and I needed to do something about my slight addiction to the socially acceptable gossipping tool.
Since '04/'05, I had been a part of the facebook network. Many of you might recall that facebook was created for college students as a way to stay in touch with fellow classmates. Back when I was at SLU, only a selected number of universities/colleges were a part of this new social networking world. Friends used to skip class to "mess around on facebook" because it was all so new to everyone. You could post pictures and comment on people's walls or send a message. It was very basic and pretty harmless.
Then they opened up the networking system to high school students, which then enabled a younger generation (I believe you did have to be over 14 to use it, but I'm sure people lied about their age) to add to the fun world of facebook. Then facebook opened up it's doors to anyone from anywhere who had an existing email address to access the site. I think this is where it got out of hand for me. All of a sudden people from all over the place were finding me. Parents, relatives, cousins were able to see what was going on in your life and make it known to the whole facebook world what they thought of your new profile pic or upload their own emabarrassing picture of you.
Facebook started fights between friends because it was a way you could mention something someone did to you without calling them out by name, but EVERYONE knew who you were talking about. You be-friended someone just because you met them once at a party or had a class with them and talked maybe once the whole semester.
So when I graduated from SIUE, I used facebook to stay in touch with friends and catch up on the lately SIUE Theatre Department gossip. Then I started going to Faith Church, met Paul, and had less interest in what shows SIUE was doing or who said what to whom. I began deleting fellow SIUE alum because I found myself growing bitter towards their life's direction. I attempted to de-activate my facebook and made it a week without it. I gave in and started making excuses as to why I still needed to be on the site.
But it was causing me to get in trouble at work and extra little anxieties I didn't need. People started lashing out at me in their comments regarding my faith, and I felt betrayed by certain friends who weren't supportive of my decisions to stay in St. Louis and get married. I then chose to 'clean house' in the facebook friends list. I deleted so many people that I realized the only ones who I remained friends with were people I saw on a daily/weekly basis. Everyone else had my number or I had their's.
After the zillionith high strung conversation with Paul starting with "then today I saw on facebook..." he sincerely asked me why I bother to look at that junk every day? And I honestly didn't have a solid reason but because of boredom. And I felt God asking me to get rid of that junk from my life.
Now I know that using facebook doesn't make you a bad person or that it is a sin to endulge in the social aspect of this new age of technology. But for me, I didn't like who it was making me. I was judging more, I was gossiping behind people's backs, I was growing bitter at other's life experiences...I a meltdown last week because someone's enagement pictures were flawless (not that mine weren't...I love mine and this is why I was thinking something was wrong) and I wished I had thought of certain ideas that they did. God was showing me some hidden flaws of my character through this behavior. Maybe not hidden, but surpressed.
So I'm working on some things. I want to shine out peace, love, and joy. I want people to see God through me and I won't be able to do that if I'm constantly bickering, complaining, comparing myself to others, and whining.
I deleted my facebook.
And I feel sooooo GOOD! No pressure or anxiety about blocking people from my past or denying an invite to a party. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again! So because of this decision, I have to try MUCH harder to stay in touch with friends. And I'm going to do it the way people did it BEFORE the days of facebook...coffee dates and phone calls! How bout that idea! Sounds ingenius!
Oh, and I'm gonna call or text someone on their birthday. This whole "facebook reminded me it was your birthday" thing is soooo impersonal! Come on, let's send snail mail again or birthday cards! I'm not going to follow the fold in this life. I want to make the most out of every day and enjoy the little things in life. No more virtual reality, I want the real thing!
Peace & Love.
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