Riding Waves

A month has passed since Paul and I experienced a pretty emotional and tragic event in our lives. I chose not to disclose the information publically because we truly wanted to heal privately, as many choose to do when they are going through a difficult time. But it seems as if the whole experience is as fresh now as it was 4 weeks ago and my heart is heavy for those who have had to endure such sadness as we have recently. I process information and experiences by sharing my heart through writing, so that is what I am deciding to do.

We lost our precious baby at just 6 weeks along in my pregnancy. I carried that child for two weeks before ever knowing that the baby was with Jesus and not going to be a part of our family here on earth. Our faith in Jesus Christ is what has been our anchor through all of this. Having an eternal perspective definitely helps you put one foot in front of the other when you are going through a storm. God’s overwhelming love and amazing grace has overshadowed us and carried us. We have felt His arms hold us close and we are thankful. We are also so grateful for the prayers of so many friends and family who have continued to lift us up.

As someone who doesn’t like to admit weaknesses, not out of pride, but because I constantly declare Philippians 4:13 over my life, I have had a hard time realizing that it is okay to grieve and it’s okay for grieving process to take time. I have heard the grieving process described as “coming in waves” and I can definitely attest to that. Grief becomes a danger when you allow those waves to pull you under instead of rising above and riding those waves with the grace and strength that the Lord pours out for us. Just because you have God’s grace and strength to endure difficult times doesn’t mean you won’t ever have to face sadness or grief. Just like all attacks from the enemy, the Lord gives us the armor to withstand whatever is thrown at us, as well as a firm foundation beneath our feet. Jesus promises us in John 16:33 that we will have trouble in this world, but He also promises us that we are safe because He has already overcame the world. Whatever you are facing has an expiration date. You won’t have to live with that trouble forever; it cannot overtake you, unless you let it.

So take heart! Stand firm on the foundation of your Rock, Jesus Christ. Let nothing shake you because you have been made an overcomer through Jesus’ victory on the cross. Sadness and grief will come, sometimes like a tidal wave, but you have an anchor of hope and His name is Jesus!  He gave you the power to walk on those waves and He will not let you sink. Keep your eyes on Jesus.

I am praying for those who are going through a time of sadness and grief, especially around this Christmas season. Lift your eyes up to the hills where your Help comes from.

Long time no blog...

I have been up since 3 am because I have trained my body over the last few days to only live on about 5 hours of sleep (against my will of course). So instead of just wrestling with trying to fall back asleep, I just gave in and decided to arise early and do a little reflecting, since I never seem to have enough hours in the day to do that anymore.

Well, much has occurred since my last post in February.

I have stood firm in regards to a lot of things that I had been believing for and really hadn't began to see anything manifest until April. Like a speaker I heard yesterday at a prayer conference said, "God takes a really long time to do something really fast."

BUT, God is forever faithful to the end and desires for us to be as well. Jesus tells Peter in Luke 22:32 that he " [had] prayed for [him] that [his] faith may not fail..." And I believe that is a prayer that Jesus still to this day is declaring over all of us.

All things are possible for those who believe, the Word tells us.

 

Things have accelerated so quickly over these last few weeks and my faith has been activated in a way that it never had before. And all this time, as I have waited to see my promises come to fruition, God has taught me the value of trusting Him even when I don't understand everything and even when I don't feel like my prayers are being effective at all. 

But every step of obedience has its rewards. For God IS a re-warder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him.   

DILIGENTLY in Hebrew is ekzētéō (from 1537 /ek, "out from and to" and 2212 /zētéō, "seek") – properly, seek out, emphasizing the personal intent of the seeker, i.e. the outcome intensely and personally desired by the seeker. This seeking is only as valuable (viable) as the motive which drives it.  to seek out for oneself, beg, crave

So as I look back and see all that God has done for me over these last few months and even more so over these last few weeks, I am in utter amazement. I have been praying and believing that every area of my life would experience the new life that Spring brings because I had faced a very long winter season that had left me feeling so weighed down and utterly discouraged at times. But God is breathing upon that prayer and breathing upon those areas. I am seeing, with my own two eyes, the faithfulness of God unfold in my life: pre-approval for our first home loan (we didn't even think this would be financially possible for us for another year, but has made a way), the permission from the Lord and Paul to join a team at GHOP (Gateway House of Prayer) as a singer there and being asked on a team right away (something I had been desiring to do for an entire year), leadership opportunities at our home church where we are operating in our gifts at new levels we never thought we possible, and finally, the biggest test of faith that I had been standing and believing to happen for about 2 1/2 years-a new job with better pay and health insurance benefits- and believing for about 5 years to one day happen- a job working at Joyce Meyer Ministries. And God has came through on all of them over the last month!!!

And all I can do is praise Him! All I can do is shout for joy because I know that my God is for me! 

And I know that although some of my promises may be unfolding before me, that does not mean the enemy does not want to continue to attack my faith even in the midst of my victory. In fact, he has tried even harder to steal my joy and peace since I received breakthrough. He did not want me to enjoy this victory whatsoever. But guess what devil, I STILL GOT THE VICTORY! And even when I was waiting for the promises to manifest, I STILL HAD THE VICTORY! HA!

I believe that is why Paul urges us in Ephesians 6 to stand firm no matter what. That is the way we defend ourselves from the attacks of the enemy: we stand firm and guard ourselves from his fiery arrows with our mighty shield of faith in the knowledge that Jesus Christ conquered death, hell, and the grave for us! No matter what, we win if we don't quit! Praise the Lord!

So as I walk out these next few months ahead of me, I will continue to praise God for all that He has done for me and all that I know He will do for me in the future. That is real faith: "speaking what you are expecting, not what you are experiencing" (PDW).

Walking by faith and not by sight.

I am so, so, SO thankful for this new season! Ready for the winds of refreshing to continue to blow over me and continue to encouragement my heart that new life has arrived. 

And I end with this: know that God is no respecter of persons and if He has done all of this for me, He WILL do it for you. Just believe!

Peace&Love,

Emily 

Here I stand, Lord.

It's been an intense 2 months. A lot of transitions. A lot of pruning. A lot of growing.

When Paul and I decided to to step down at Wrecked and become more involved at Church in Action, we didn't know that the Lord would need us to dive in so quickly. But what I have been hearing consistently lately is "the harvest is great, but the laborers are few." God needs us to get serious and not waste a moment of time.

I could move whenever a door opens, but that would not be wise at all. So I have been waiting on the Lord and trusting that He will position me exactly where He needs me. There can be no room for comparison or questioning God's timing or ways. Who am I to question the Creator the Universe? I can read Job to see the rebuke he got from God when he did. No, I must stand firm and boldly say, "Here I am, Lord. I will go, Lord. Lead me and I will follow."

 

I am starting to understand the body of Christ more and more each day. As Jesus reveals more to me about His body and His bride, I begin to see my purpose more clearly as a member of it. I may not confidently know if I am a hand or a mouth, but I do know I am called to love and make disciples wherever I am, even if it doesn't look like I can in a medical office answering phone calls and verifying insurance benefits. He has me EXACTLY where He needs me. I don't need to know why. He's God (I am not), and He says so, that's why! Until He tells me to go, I must stay put and "work at it with all of my heart for the Lord" (Colossians 3:23). If God wanted me to move or to constantly travel from country to country, then He would tell me this and make a way for that to happen. I would know without a shadow of a doubt that I have been chosen to proclaim Christ to the nations as a traveling missionary. But He has not told me to. I have recently realized that my husband and I have been called to be a a part of the wallet for the body and this season is focusing on it now more than ever as we get closer to being out of debt. Praise God! We have jobs in the secular world to help propagate the gospel and send missionaries to places outside of St. Louis.

 

Although it doesn't seem as exciting, I know that I am doing MY PART to help fulfill the mission of advancing the Kingdom of God. I cannot wait for the day when I get to write checks to missionaries to take care of their financial pressures. I get even more excited when I think about meeting others' needs by feeding them, clothing them, and helping them get out of debt (my heart is for the student who has bought the lie that you HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR IT TO STUDY SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT EVEN FIND A JOB DOING WHAT YOU STUDIED and is strapped with thousands of dollars of debt before they are even 25). How can we advance the Kingdom if we are all in horrible debt? This is an epidemic in America and we are so blinded! This will be a part of our ministry, I know it.

 

Another part of our ministry that God has been revealing to us has to do with justice. I know that when you take a stand for something that is wrong, there will be 10 other people who want to tell you to shut up and sit down. Now when you bring God's name into it, sadly, there will be thousands more people who do not want you to speak up at all and will attack you. This is because the devil wants to silent us and take our authority by deceiving us into thinking we have none. He doesn't like it when light is shed upon the dark things he has worked so hard to create in our world. But we must shine bright!

 

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

 

I will shine bright for you God!

 

3 more days until JUSTICE PRAYER GATHERING and I can't wait to gather with a group of radical Christ followers to pray for our city, nation, and world. And as we speak, people are attacking it and me. But we must stand firm and be BOLD. In the end, it will all be worth it!!!

 

Peace&Love.

Emily

In the blink of an eye...

Things can change so quickly sometimes. One day you are perfectly content with the direction your life is headed, and then you catch a glimpse of something you though you understood, and then BAM...your life takes a sudden turn.

Decisions...changes...moving forward...

Seems to be a constant variable in my life...especially over the last few years. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but change is always uncomfortable no matter how often it happens to you.

Paul and I have been involved at Wrecked Ministries since September 2010, only 1 short month after we left Faith Church. We lost a lot of friends in that transition, but God is always faithful and helped us through it by bringing a different group of friends into our life. We found genuine friendships and family during a time of such change and transition for both of us. During our involvement at Wrecked, we searched for our new church home month after month, until a year had passed. We would stay for a few months at one then question if it was really where we were supposed to be. From September 2010 to September 2011, we had tried 3 different churches. So we always felt in transition as far as that area of our life was concerned, but we never lost sight of who we were in Christ or who Christ was to us. We pursued God intensely in the midst of limbo. I found my place as a prophetic worship leader and re-discovered my gift as a songwriter. I read through the entire Bible and fasted and prayed more than I ever had in my whole life. I had a new-found boldness at work to pray with co-workers and patients and even ministered to some homeless people here in South County. We were greatly impacting families when we traveled as a ministry and when people would come to our gatherings in Arnold at our building.

Even though we had a difficult time finding our church home, we never felt like we were totally lacking in our walk with God. Actually, it felt stronger than ever before!

But in August 2011, something shifted in the ministry. We felt burnt out and upset that no one had been coming for 3 or 4 months. We weren't traveling as much anymore and ultimately, we were just ministering to ourselves. After a team meeting, it seemed as if everyone was throwing in the towel. The foundation was crumbling, but after a weekend at The Ramp it seemed as if we were able to pull ourselves together. We came back refreshed. It looked like we got a second wind! We were faithfully there at every gathering even though only a few people were showing up. We were just keeping our eyes fixed on the Lord. But then some people from the team stopped coming regularly and then left the ministry altogether. Discouragement started to kick in, then judgement, then accusation, then a little bit of self-righteousness. We ignored the fact that there wasn't much love anymore. So month after month went by and we began to ultimately go through the motions. To get over the fact that no one was coming anymore, we focused on prayer. We were going to become a prayer culture. Sounds awesome, but in reality, we became a holy huddle not reaching out to the lost. Paul and I had been feeling uncomfortable about everything for a few months but couldn't find it in us to leave just yet. We had invested so much time and energy in this place! And on top of that, we had no church home at all. We felt trapped with very little hope of ever finding a place to raise our kids. Was this it? Were we even affecting the Kingdom for God? Were we even growing spiritually anymore? We were involved in a ministry that wasn't ministering to anyone. It just felt like we kept going around the same mountain with little progress.

But a month ago, things began to brighten up. We started attending a church in Arnold that a few friends went to. And after the first service, we knew this was it. We had found our church home! FINALLY! We were just so excited to be getting fed regularly and meeting new people. And this church has an amazing outreach ministry. They better because they are called CHURCH IN ACTION!

But what about Wrecked? It was starting to feel like an obligation to go at this point. Over the last few months, Paul and I have tried to stick it out, but this past week we decided to step down. It has been a long week.

I am just so glad that God is faithful to the end. Man's love will always disappoint, but God's love remains. It never fails. I am taking one step at a time with this new season, but I am excited to see what God is getting ready to do through us. Sometimes making a move in a new direction can scare the crap out of you, but if you just keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, He will help you walk out into the unknown.

Lord, help me walk out on the water with You. I want to be where You are. I want to be where You need me. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your amazing love. I couldn't get through all of this change without You God.

"And I'm fixing my eyes on the One who's unchanging, cuz the One who's unchanging is forever changing me." ~Amber Brooks

Emily Update.

So, I've been blogging a little more recently and I'm starting to enjoy it again. 2011 was not the year for blogging for me, but I definitely became a more faithful journal writer. God definitely stretched me and molded me this past year and I am grateful to have that entire year documented in a notebook. :)

But I have decided to keep the ol' blog alive. In addition to By God's Grace, I have also picked up another writing endeavor at We are the Burning Ones... where I bring up topics regarding the Bible, sound teachings, and ministry life. I try to not to dive into too many personal things there, but I know that it is hard for me to separate my faith and beliefs anywhere I write or go for that matter.

Any hoo, after almost a month of the Daniel Fast (Jentzen Franklin's 21 day fast to get your edge back)...

My food intake for almost a month...

I have been working out pretty consistently for 2 weeks now. I lost about 10 lbs but I also lost a lot of muscle because of the lack of protein...doh! I have been running on a tread-mill, stretching, toning my arms with free-weights, and working on my abs with pilates. I feel great! I am excited to see the results in about a month. I think the best thing you can do to get consistent with working out is finding a schedule that works for you and stick with it. If you set time aside to do it, it will be easier to stay motivated since you have an allotted time slot for it.

Same goes for your prayer life also. If you set aside time where you know you won't be disturbed and you can get alone with the Lord, you will be eager to keep building that relationship with Him. You will notice a difference in your attitude and the way you treat people when you spend time with God. I notice such a peace and a joy when I spend time in the Lord's presence, whether talking to Him or just sitting in the quiet, candles lit, and waiting on Him. There is no other word to describe it then peaceful. And in the world that we live in today, we could use some of that kind of peace. The Bible calls it a "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).

So between those 2 things, I have been keeping myself pretty busy. Paulie has 2 jobs (he's my workin man) and about 3-4 days out of the week, we don't see each other up until he slips into bed with me. Sometimes I am awake enough to chat with him, other times I am just able to kiss

him goodnight when he comes home, and some times I am just conked out snoozing away. It has been hard, but nothing that we can't handle. We appreciate every moment that we can get and don't take any of it for grant it. Because of that, our marriage is so alive and strong.

Monday-Wednesday this week was the stretch of time where we only saw each other before bed, so tonight is special for us. He gets off at 5 and I couldn't be more excited! :) After I work out, I am gonna shower, and curl my hair for him and make him dinner. I love taking care of Paulie. He works so hard for us. I'm not too big on Valentine's Day because it makes it seem like that is the only day a couple should shower each other with love. I try to treat my husband like that all the time.

Me and my hubs a few weeks ago on one of our "off night, date nights" :)

Show love. Give love. Live love. Always.

Peace&Love.

Em

Enough to heal

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction.
He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be.
On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings. 
Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol
I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :)
The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know...
Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God.
Love&peace.
Em


Taking my mind off of the issue.

That has been the challenge this weekend. Long weekends are a blessing for ultimate relaxation, but with someone such as me, my brain can continuously run laps if I'm dealing with some difficult issues.

Not to get too into details, Paul and I decided to leave our church. It was probably the most challenging thing I have ever had to do. And yet, I know without a shadow of doubt in my heart, that it was the right thing to do...follow my husband no matter what.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to sing. I adored my position on the praise team. Letting the team know of our decision was also very difficult. Walking away from people you care about doing the something you care about, is so hard. But I have to remember that I follow God no matter what. God is stretching me and our marriage in a big way. So for the past few days, I have felt a little hazy and somewhat out of place.

I have been reading this book by Craig Groeschel and have found that it has helped me stay focused on what really matters...

Good read most definitely. There was a quote from the author about his life as a Christian Atheist that really struck a chord...

‎"My service was never enough. And as my love for ministry burned hotter, my passion for Christ cooled..."

Wow... That is all I can say. I can look back and see the same mentality in serving at Faith Church. I was so wrapped up in the worship team, that I sometime neglected my own relationship with Jesus. That is a HUGE revelation for me.

So Sunday morning Paul and I went to church (Twin Rivers off of Tesson Ferry...seriously 5 minutes from our apartment!) TOGETHER for the first time in our marriage. Woke up together, got dressed together, rode together, and SAT together throughout the ENTIRE service. Some may take that for grant it. It was really nice. I really like it there and so does Paul. The hardest thing for me though is the worship ministry...VERY different from Faith Church. They have a choir and 5 lead vocalists up front. And all of them were all over 35-4o years old. :( So I couldn't see a place for me up there, but then I realized that church and a true connection at a church is not about the music ministry. Worship was amazing any way. I may not have to be up on the stage to truly enjoy worship....it may even be better for me not to be actually.

So that was hard for me to swallow since I have such a heart for singing. Maybe God will use my abilities in a different way as time goes on. I think for now, he wants me to put all of my focus on Him and also focusing on having Christ at the very core of our marriage even more so than we had originally thought it was!

So another chapter begins...and more changes occur...

And that is FAITH!

Peace&Love.

Em

Chillaxin'

Mmmm....new Ray LaMontagne album. Perfect for chillaxin' this Friday night.

Just waiting for Paulie to get home from his FIFTEEN HOUR DAY! Yeah, he's my Superman most definitely. 12 hours in over-time this week. That's 12 hours times time and a half. Woot woot. Favor and blessing! Praise God. 2010 is absolutely NOTHING like 2009. It's been an Ephesians's 3:20 year most definitely.

Had a great time getting to know a new gal friend today/tonight. Our late lunch began at 3:30pm and I didn't drop her off to her car until 9:45pm! Guess we have things in common! lol We walked around the Loop in STL and tried on some cute clothes at their awesome boutiques. Just girlie stuff. And I loved it!

It's always fun to get to know new people. Definitely feel like God is trying to build up new friendships for this new season in my/our life. Her boyfriend is very similar to Paulie too, so that will make for fun double dates! Love it!!! :)

Anyway, Paulie got home and now it's cuddle time.

Happy girl...

Peace&Love.

Em

Transition or just not caring anymore? Babbling, etc...

Ok, ok...It has been awhile since I sat down and just wrote out my random thoughts. I needed to bad today.

Today was a long day at work. Kept hacking up gunk and coughing...not pretty. But all in all, I feel alright. My awesome hubs gave me his upper respiratory infection. But that's what you get when you sleep next to someone and they breathe, sneeze, or cough in your face. lol Germs are gonna be there.

The biggest bummer? I got asked to sing a special song for the women's meeting at Faith Church for Friday (which this is the first time I've even been asked) and I don't know if my voice is gonna be in the best shape to belt out a Britt Nicole tune. :/ Oh well, maybe next time...

Any way...reason for the title: realized very recently that my friendships shifted quite a bit and I'm left wondering if I'm purposely transitioning or did I reach a point of not caring?

So many of my friends from the past several years have seemed to fall off the face of the Earth and when I do get a chance to see them, it seems like I don't know them anymore. It's a sad reality when you discover this. But at the same time, it allows me to see the changes that I have made in my own life to be going down a better path than I was living a few years ago.

Kinda funny how most of my blog entries are about this very topic, but it's hard to grasp when you are constantly moving and transitioning.

Random: I love PANDORA. Especially when you put on stations like Iron & Wine and Schuler Fisk. Been diving back into my folk/indie/acoustic stuff again. Paul can't stand it, but I still love him. :)

Before I end this one, I have to admit that I have been building up a list of things I want without even realizing it...I never built up a list because I was always an impulsive shopper-trying to break that habit at the knees. But since I am a budgeter, planner, and list-maker, I began to figure out how to save up for some things that I have my eye/mind on:

1. custom molded in-ear monitors (whole process costs a little over $500)http://ultimateears.com/en-us/products/4-pro

2. better camera that doesn't make the pictures look like we are in a dark room

3. 1940s style dress for Crystal's wedding (September 24th) with cute pumps to match

4. new coffee table and side tables (around $100 at Weekends Only)

5. new/used dresser and chest of drawers instead of the kid-sized ones we have now

We got our Dyson, so we crossed that off of the list.

Yeah, I can tell I haven't sat down and wrote in awhile. I'm definitely feeling random lately.

Anyway...

Peace&Love.

Em

Neglecting my safe haven...

I remember when I first started this blog. Almost 2 years ago.

I used it to contemplate and express the wonders of life.

It's cool to look back and see God's grace in my life.

Hence the title... :)

I can point back to that every time. God's grace.

I haven't been writing like I used to. Maybe I am intimidated by all the actual contemplation that really does go on in my head when I write. Maybe I'm afraid to let go and lose control of my thoughts or even to be still for a moment and allow myself to drift off. Probably...

I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot lately. It's funny when God places someone in your life that is just like you and completely different all at the same time. ie, my hubs. lol

He loves that I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but sometimes when I try to express to him what is going on in my big ol' plate-of-spaghetti-brain (woman's brain analogy given to me at a Marriage workshop...man's brain is like a waffle-compartmentalized and structured in thought) he ends up confused with where I was going with it.

And then I realize how important it is for women to have other women friends. We know how each other think. Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense, we just know what it means. lol Now THAT doesn't make much sense. :)

Because of the current of life, a lot of my friends have moved on (both literally and figuratively). And I'm left hanging onto the friendship we had in the past. Then I wonder why something seems missing...it's because the distance that has been placed between us has created a gap in our knowledge of each other and who we are becoming. And then a part of me wants to say: "well, it's not like I have any friends."

I know that isn't true and that sometimes things change when you get married. But almost all of my girlfriends that I still "stay in touch" with have their own lives and I'm not physically present in theirs' anymore.

Maybe that is just the place I'm in right now. Maybe when our lives shift, the idea of friendships change. We no longer "spend the night" and stay up all night and talk about crushes and our guilty pleasures. Maybe we are just "there" for one another when we need someone to call.

I don't know. Guess just another one of my recent revelations.

Maybe I am a lone ranger when it comes to friendships. I don't HAVE to be surrounded at all times, but when I am, it is a nice bonus.

So here is to all my dear friends...wherever you are. Even when I'm not there with you, know that I think about all of you often.

Peace & Love.

Change is my middle name.

I think I could go back through my previous blog entries and see a chain of similiarities of one word describing my life... CHANGE!

God has been shaping and molding me a lot lately. Asking me to give up some bad behaviors/habits/thoughts, etc. And normally, I grow weak and give into my own fleshful desires to seek that instant pleasure those things, words, activities may give me at any given time.

And lately, by the Grace of God, I have been finding it in me to stick to my convictions.

Facebook was destroying my peace and I needed to do something about my slight addiction to the socially acceptable gossipping tool.

Since '04/'05, I had been a part of the facebook network. Many of you might recall that facebook was created for college students as a way to stay in touch with fellow classmates. Back when I was at SLU, only a selected number of universities/colleges were a part of this new social networking world. Friends used to skip class to "mess around on facebook" because it was all so new to everyone. You could post pictures and comment on people's walls or send a message. It was very basic and pretty harmless.

Then they opened up the networking system to high school students, which then enabled a younger generation (I believe you did have to be over 14 to use it, but I'm sure people lied about their age) to add to the fun world of facebook. Then facebook opened up it's doors to anyone from anywhere who had an existing email address to access the site. I think this is where it got out of hand for me. All of a sudden people from all over the place were finding me. Parents, relatives, cousins were able to see what was going on in your life and make it known to the whole facebook world what they thought of your new profile pic or upload their own emabarrassing picture of you.

Facebook started fights between friends because it was a way you could mention something someone did to you without calling them out by name, but EVERYONE knew who you were talking about. You be-friended someone just because you met them once at a party or had a class with them and talked maybe once the whole semester.

So when I graduated from SIUE, I used facebook to stay in touch with friends and catch up on the lately SIUE Theatre Department gossip. Then I started going to Faith Church, met Paul, and had less interest in what shows SIUE was doing or who said what to whom. I began deleting fellow SIUE alum because I found myself growing bitter towards their life's direction. I attempted to de-activate my facebook and made it a week without it. I gave in and started making excuses as to why I still needed to be on the site.

But it was causing me to get in trouble at work and extra little anxieties I didn't need. People started lashing out at me in their comments regarding my faith, and I felt betrayed by certain friends who weren't supportive of my decisions to stay in St. Louis and get married. I then chose to 'clean house' in the facebook friends list. I deleted so many people that I realized the only ones who I remained friends with were people I saw on a daily/weekly basis. Everyone else had my number or I had their's.

After the zillionith high strung conversation with Paul starting with "then today I saw on facebook..." he sincerely asked me why I bother to look at that junk every day? And I honestly didn't have a solid reason but because of boredom. And I felt God asking me to get rid of that junk from my life.

Now I know that using facebook doesn't make you a bad person or that it is a sin to endulge in the social aspect of this new age of technology. But for me, I didn't like who it was making me. I was judging more, I was gossiping behind people's backs, I was growing bitter at other's life experiences...I a meltdown last week because someone's enagement pictures were flawless (not that mine weren't...I love mine and this is why I was thinking something was wrong) and I wished I had thought of certain ideas that they did. God was showing me some hidden flaws of my character through this behavior. Maybe not hidden, but surpressed.

So I'm working on some things. I want to shine out peace, love, and joy. I want people to see God through me and I won't be able to do that if I'm constantly bickering, complaining, comparing myself to others, and whining.

I deleted my facebook.

And I feel sooooo GOOD! No pressure or anxiety about blocking people from my past or denying an invite to a party. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again! So because of this decision, I have to try MUCH harder to stay in touch with friends. And I'm going to do it the way people did it BEFORE the days of facebook...coffee dates and phone calls! How bout that idea! Sounds ingenius!

Oh, and I'm gonna call or text someone on their birthday. This whole "facebook reminded me it was your birthday" thing is soooo impersonal! Come on, let's send snail mail again or birthday cards! I'm not going to follow the fold in this life. I want to make the most out of every day and enjoy the little things in life. No more virtual reality, I want the real thing!

Peace & Love.

Going along with the changes, but not agreeing with it.

My eyes have been opened up to many new things lately...especially in regards to my faith and things surrounding the spiritual realm. Not to sound like a big ol' wack-job, but my life has gotten a little taste of things that are unseen and almost unspoken about. I've never believed in ghosts, but always knew that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against prinicipalities and rulers of darkness" as Apostle Paul put in in the Bible. So there are reasons for certain distasters and diseases and creepy feelings/noises in "haunted" houses. (none of which are from God). And when you die, your spirit does not linger here on Earth. There is no such thing as purgatory. You live in eternity in either heaven or hell. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Whether that be your job, your family, your life....

But the GREAT news is that God turns all of that around and uses it for GOOD!

Anyway, because of this new-found knowledge, my faith has grown stronger. Now that I know what we are up against, I know that I need to strengthen my faith and put on the full armor of God. We ARE in the mist of a spiritual warfare, whether you want to believe it or not. We must not walk by what we see, but what we believe to be true!

All this talk about thousands of teachers in the US loosing their jobs (around 17,000 just in IL) and the new healthcare reform bill, gets me thinking that one must look to something bigger than ourselves! We MUST! The government can't take care of us anymore. If they ever could. Heck, we are losing our freedom left and right. Our God is a god of more than enough and a god of over-abundance....these new changes in our society and government do not bring the word abundance to mind...well, not in the positive light any way.

And back to the teachers cut topic, I can now see why God had asked me to back down on going back to school to get certified to teach theatre. If we don't have enough money to fund a math teacher or an english teacher, how would we EVER have enough federal compensation for theatre?! Not to mention how much debt one gets into when they sign up for MORE student loans! I already owe close to $25,000 and I don't even use my degree completely at my job (how many more people can say that...come on you english lit majors!). But God will continue to take care of me even if my decision to attend college and study theatre was completely done selfishly and carelessly. I never took time to pray about it. I just did what FELT good. Faith isn't based on feelings, but I cannot kick myself any longer. What's done is done and I may not be where I am today if I didn't transfer schools or choose certain paths. Heck, I wouldn't have a testimony to share with others about how AMAZING our God is and was to me during that dark time of seperation from Him!

So...just letting certain topics sink in and not go around ignorant. I like to find answers to what is going on around us. Seek and ye shall find!

Peace&Love.

Wants and desires gone astray

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

when life gets simple...

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

Brrrr....it's cold!

It's quite nippy outside, isn't it? (said with a cockny/British accent of course) haha.

I came into work this morning and froze my everything off because it was like 40 degrees in the office! It's been a nice easy day though and I almost feel like I'm at home catching up on odds and ends, but the cool thing is that I'm getting paid! :) I've got the space heater by my tootsies to try to keep them warm while my frozen fingers type away. As long as something is staying warm on my body, I'm okay.

So good news...Paulie's home! :) I'm going to enjoy this Friday night with him so much! I don't think he has to work in the morning either so this will be our 1ST Saturday that we get to sleep in together!!! 5 weeks of marriage and we finally get to enjoy that. So that's fun.

I can definitely sense the changes in the air with a lot of things in my life: work is getting easier for me (not as stressful), finances are becoming easier to handle, my pride level is at an all-time low lately in regards to singing with the praise team....

Now to discuss this one a bit further...
Because I have ALWAYS performed in front of people, I soaked up that applause like no one's business. Not to bring the glory to God, but to myself. This was a HUGE obstacle for me in 2009. HUGE. I got upset time and time again at rehearsals for the youth band or the Praise team because "I wasn't being noticed or recognized" for my ability. But it's taken so many prayers and time with God to get Him to break that off of me. "Take me, break me...show me what to do...Take me, shape me...teach me to be like You." (Daniel's Window) became my cry to God. And I'm feeling better about it all.

Last night's rehearsal was AWESOME. We even added 2 new singers to the mix and I was EXCITED about it. Normally I would get upset because I knew that it just meant I had to work even harder to get noticed. But it's not a competition. God hears everyone's voice, and He's not just interested in our voices, but our HEARTS. He can tell when you're faking it. When you're looking for the glory instead. And I pray all the time to be humbled. It's the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with. The world teaches us to seek fame and fortune. How many actors/performers/singers/musicians dream of that day when they can give their acceptance speech at the Grammy's/Oscar's/Tony's/Emmy's? I know I talked about it many times on here. Many many many. I wanted to be noticed for the gifts God blessed me with. And that seemed alright in my eyes...but I wanted the glory, the fame, the attention.

This is my new song...and I believe in EVERY word:
http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742244706842939

It talks about moving out of the way and letting God be seen through you. Becoming invisible so the audience sees Him. We're not supposed to want to out-shine God. We have to let others see His glorious and beautiful light. We are His hands and His feet and somtimes His voice. So if you are struggling with this issue of pride (with any gift God has given you) know that you are not alone. Just ask Him to humble you. Ask Him for help with your pride issues. And you will begin taking the finger off of yourself and pointing people to Him.

Peace and Love.

Have a fantastic weekend. Love you all.

Should probably update...

So...

I'm all moved in! I no longer live in my home-town. I'll be back there in a couple of days for my wedding shower, but it does feel a little odd to be able to stay in STL after I get off of work and not have to drive to east ba-jee-bus to get to my bed for the night. Yes, it's very nice indeed.

Best upside: I'm 10 minutes away from Paulie so he gets to hang out over at the place later than usual. We've been able to get a taste of married life....cooking, cleaning, shopping together.

Bummer: He has to leave when I go to sleep at night. :( It truly makes December seem so far away. But we both know that it will be here sooner than we know it.

BUT next week is October 1st and that's when we're sending out our invitations! Holy Cow!!! That definitely helps it all seem so close, I must say. Craziness.

When the place is a little bit more decorated, I'll post some pics. My The bathroom and kitchen are pretty much done. The living room and dining room most definitely need some decorating and their bare walls are driving me nuts! Paul doesn't see what the big deal is, but I'm a detail-oriented person. He's more of a foundation kind of guy. That's why we work! :) I'm the icing and he's the cake.

We'll see how quickly this goes. 72 more days!

Week 2 of this out of town business...

Updated: 7/29/09....COVINGTON PLACE WAS A CRAP-HOLE!!! DON'T RENT THERE!!!!

Well, day 3 in week number 2 of Paul's adventure 3 hours away from me and I'm missing him like crazy...as usual.

To keep my mind off of that, I've been gearing up for the next step in my life and our life together. I got pre-approved for an apartment in South County which is not even 5 seconds from the South County Mall...woohoo! It's really cute and totally in our price range.





A pic of the living room and a little of the dining area and kitchen...


Here's the lovely in-ground pool and fitness center...

There are sooo many good things about it. Only 20 minutes from work. About 10 minutes from church! And did I mention it was like 5 SECONDS from the Mall!!! :) So many great places around to eat. Still gotta find out where the nearest grocery store is, but at this point, I've 2 right by my work so that wouldn't be a huge deal whatsoever. There's access to the pool, fitness center, and tanning bed. Awesomeness.

I feel like such a grown-up. I got approved all by myself. No co-signer or anything! That makes me feel really good about myself.

So I've been making lists upon lists of necessities. I feel like I've lived this life before...Ana knows what I'm talking about...planning for LA was an ordeal and a half and I visited craigslist on a regular basis.

But now the big question is when? When do I move forward to start this new life? I wanted to do September, but I feel like God is putting it on my heart to wait until October only to make it easier on the both of us. I'd get one more month to put some more dough back for the wedding/honeymoon. That is a constant thing on my brain. Constant. By the end of August, I'll have plenty, but always want a cushion. *Sigh*

Keep pushing forward.

Peace and Love.

Against company policy...

But I just gotta blog!

Well, I'm sitting at work and have absolutely NOTHING to do for the first time since I started. I have a feeling that when I run this office soon, this will happen a lot. I guess I can just be glad I'm good at my job. Sure. That sounds good.

Life is good. Enjoying employment, but having a hard time with time management in other areas of my life. You know, family time, Paul time, and God time. It'd be cool if I was better at trying to work out too, but that is something that may not happen for a little while. The gym I work out at (haven't since early October) has a creeper that works there that I kinda dated for a bit. I guess I could just flash my engagment ring to ward off all creepers but I'm not sure how this dude will react. When I "broke up" with him (after 10 days), he became kind of a butt. So I got busy and stopped working out because I didn't really want to run into him.

Anyway, wedding planning is coming along nicely. The only difficult part is trying to get all of my bridesmaids to help me out with their schedules! Trying to get 6 girls in one place at one time is not working to my advantage right now. 1 lives on the West Coast, the other in Chicago, and the rest are too flippin' busy for much of anything. I just have to keep telling myself that it will all work out just fine.

Paulie and I bought a TON of wedding stuff a few weeks ago and took care about most of the small, detailed things. Center-pieces, decorations, invitations, napkins with our intials, etc. All that is left is to pay for all the big stuff: photographer, DJ, food, cake, and pastor's fee. But that's it! It feels good to narrow it down to only a few things. And once we narrow it down even more, we get to start focusing on apartments. We've already been looking around the Arnold/Fenton area. Hopefully when the last insurance policy comes in, we can let Miss Emily move in an apartment early so her car can rest a little while. I've put over 7,000 miles on my car since March. Not good. I really don't want to keep putting the major bucks in gas either. But I will not complain. It could be SO MUCH worse...like last summer's gas prices...YIKES! This $2.19-$2.29 is nothing.

OH! This just in:

Shelby came up to me after Tuesday night's service and told me that she heard I wanted to sing with the Worship Team. "I really want to start working with you as soon as you can. I know you're super involved already with the youth band, KOF, and drama ministries, but I'd love to have you up there with us." How awesome is that?! I'll be singing with Faith Church St. Louis' praise and worship team soon! Yay! It's been what I've wanted to do since I started going to that church back in July...can you believe it will be a year in about 2 months?! My goodness! She even told me that I'll be singing with them at this summer's Women's conference...awesomeness!

Do-te-do...bored, bored, BORED!

Guess, I'll wipe down the desks one more time...

Peace & Love.

6 whole months.

Tomorrow Paul and I will celebrate 6 months together. I would have never thought that I would fall so hard for someone like I have fallen for Paul in such a short period of time.

He entered my life so quickly and we weren't dating very long before we dove into wedding planning. I can't imagine life without him now. He's my best friend and my soul-mate. Each day that passes is one more day we grow deeper in our faith and deeper in love. The voicemails and the text messages I get from him on a daily basis bring tears to my eyes. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm not ashamed.

God knew how much I needed this. All of it. The roses, the chocolate, the love letters. It's all so cliche and I really don't care. I'm blessed to have this simplicity. It helps lessen the likelihood of me going crazy or stressing out. I actually get a little unpleasant when I don't get to see Paul. Haha. So I really can't imagine me locking myself up in play rehearsals for months at a time any more. I'd miss him too much. I'd rather love person over something that will never learn how to love me back.

*sigh*

I'm headed to SIUE to see a few friends perform in "As You Like It." I still go to support them because I remember how important it was to me for people to come support me when I still did shows. I'm actually really excited to see a lot of them. I've been kinda anti-social these past few months and it'll be nice to say hello to my pals.

Anyway, this weather is absolutely gorgeous and makes me want to visit the beach! :)

Have a blessed weekend everyone!!!

Peace&Love.

When did I grow up?

I stayed home today because my body was screaming at me to do so. I've been running myself ragged for over a month and my immune system is definitely showing it. But it was nice to get a chance to sleep in, clean my messy room, put away laundry that has been sitting for a week, and do some ironing. *Sigh*

Sometimes I wonder whose life I'm leading since it's changed so drastically in one year. Can you believe that one year ago I was getting ready to graduate college? I can't. It seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I'm now getting ready for marriage. It's weird how life works. You get used to something for a few years and then suddenly, your life takes a turn and you're older. Most people, like me, are in gradeschool for 6-7 years, then junior high for 2-3 years, high school for 4 years, and then college for 4-6, and some people continue schooling for 2-5 more years after that. Each time you reach a new level of education, your environment changes, your mindset changes. And each time, you have to get used to the person you are becoming.

I've noticed over and over again that I am not the Emily of a year ago. God did some MAJOR changes to my heart and mind this year and oddly enough, it began shortly after I escaped the grip of education. I no longer could look to the instituation of education to define me. I wasn't a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior any more. I wasn't a cheerleader, band-o, SETO officer, or theatre major. I eventually started to lose the title of "actress" as well. I had to learn how to be Emily Rose. Just me. And let me tell you....it's hard to find yourself when you have been told who you are by someone else your whole life. I'm reminded of the labeling every single time I log onto facebook and I'm bombarded by people from my past. Pictures, stories of cast-parties, and people complaining about writing papers and freaking out about projects that are due. I work now. Yep. I spend my days working in an office, in front of a computer and answering phones. A job I NEVER thought I would be good at, let alone enjoy. But I do and that weirds me out to no end! :) I also spend my nights volunteering at church. Performing silly skits for the kids in the Kids of Faith Ministry and singing with the youth band, Innerlight. And in between work and church, I spend time with my best friend, my fiance, Paul.

I have come to a place where it's okay that I don't have a million friends that I spend all my time with. I'm completely content with what and who God has given me to play out my days. My life is simple, yet it keeps me busy. I am who I am and I wouldn't ever want to change that.

*Sigh* I'm not really sure what this blog was about, but I know that every time I catch a glimpse of my past on facebook, I feel the need to announce the change that has entered my life. I don't party anymore, I don't really act in plays or musicals (or even have the desire...which is REALLY weird), I don't really enjoy watching plays anymore either (I don't know why that is either). I have reached another level of life called ADULTHOOD.

But I'm left wondering...when did I grow up?