Chasing God's Dreams

It seems that I have been made more aware as of late of the amount of distractions from the things of God and confusion that the media is bombarding our society, specifically our youth. I know that these tactics by the media are nothing new, but as each year passes, it just seems to be ever increasing and less and less salt, light, and truth can be found in that arena of our American culture.

Last night, I was asked to teach children’s church on short notice just as my husband and I were headed out the door to make it to sound check for our midweek service at our church. There was no curriculum planned for the night, and our pastor ensured me that I could speak to the kids about truly anything that the Lord had placed upon my heart. For someone who sometimes needs structure or guidelines, this massive amount of flexibility flustered me a bit, but I trusted the Lord would speak to me if I just inclined my ear if even for a moment. On the way to church, the Lord dropped the topic of dreams in my heart and told me to focus on Jeremiah 29:11 to let the children know that He has big dreams for them that are always for good and to bring them hope and a bright future. As we sat “cross-cross applesauce” in a circle on the floor, I asked each child what they dreamed of becoming when they grew up. The boys wanted to be firefighters and policemen, of course, but I was amazed that each girl in the room didn't have aspirations like that to help others and make an impact in their sphere of influence. No, they didn't want to be teachers or nurses or even mothers (it seems that not many young girls long to be that anymore…); every single little girl told me that they wanted to be either a singer, dancer, or a celebrity. I didn't stomp on their dreams, just encouraged them that they can do anything they work hard to do, but my heart was truly heavy for them.

Why was this response to be an entertainer or someone famous so common among the entire group of little girls?

Are we raising daughters to chase after approval, applause, and performance-based lifestyles?

Are they beginning to sing “I live for the applause” in their hearts instead of “I live for the Lord” or even “I live to help others?”

Do they dream of that fame and stardom because it gives them a sense of purpose or worth?

Does the thought of the response of their fans make them feel appreciated and loved?

If that is the case, then we are in danger of raising an entire generation of women looking for their worth in the wrong place. They will never find it in the applause of their audience or in the thrill of using their talents for all to see with the spotlight soley on them and their amazing abilities that make everyone feel good. There is so much God has planned for our gifts than to make people feel good!

Don’t they know that He formed them in their mother’s womb for a purpose bigger than themselves, bigger than anything the world can offer?

“Before I shaped you in the womb,
I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
I had holy plans for you…”
Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

An opportunity to dream with God- to help Him achieve His ultimate Kingdom plan that all may come to know Him through His Son, Jesus Christ, and become a part of His loving family not only on earth, but eternally in heaven.

So I ask you, how are you helping raise this generation to find their ultimate Kingdom purpose and find their worth in Jesus Christ alone so that they may receive the Father’s love?

I pray the Lord reveals to you how you can guide the young people He has placed around you. I also pray that the Lord would reveal your worth to you through His Word if you are also dealing with feeling valued or precious or are struggling with desires to seek approval from others thinking somehow the applause of men will fulfill you. You will only find your worth in God’s love. Nothing else will ever satisfy.

Drainage...

The past few days have been kinda rough mentally. I hate to be a downer but it's the truth. I feel beaten up. No. I have FELT beaten up.

Today is better. Actually a lot better.

I have felt like I was up and down a lot over the last few days. Major chemical imbalances and whatnot. I don't like it when I feel out of control. When I get like that, I want to close my eyes and sleep it away. But I know that isn't healthy at all. Paul had to keep kickin my butt out of bed yesterday and literally tickled me out of bed. I don't know what I would do without him honestly...

I had made some great confessions after I found out some good news and by the end of the day I felt so defeated. Complete stolen peace actually...

The fantastic news is that my dad's house is no longer my issue/problem. Since January, I have been battling lawyers, court systems, and mortgage companies. Not many people even knew I was dealing with all of it. I usually put it out of my mind after I was figuring out what I was going to do. We decided to do a "deed in lieu" which means: we (my brother and I) sign over the deed to the mortgage company instead of foreclosing on the house. It's much easier just to wash our hands clean of it and hand it over to them. And now I can breathe knowing that part of my dad's estate is finally over with. Now just to get the funeral costs paid. At the time, I was 22, jobless, living with my grandpa, and in the process of a planning a wedding. I didn't have $5800 to pay for any of it. And our lawyer told us that we didn't have to. Lawyers will forever have a certain place in my heart and it's not a warm place. He was PARTIALLY right, but never did anything to help us with the paperwork and meanwhile, kept billing us for random phone-calls and emails. Thankfully that part of the estate is also over with...

So as I write this all out, I realize how much I try to take on without even thinking about it. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I was on the verge of tears constantly. I don't know what sane person would be able to take all of that on and still try to keep all the other aspects of their life afloat. But by the grace of God, I do. Couldn't do any of it without Him.

So here we are...FRIDAY. Thank the Lord. Paulie is working til 7 tonight and I'm going to try to relax for a little bit before he gets home I guess. It is pay day and all. Maybe I can pick myself up a cute little sundress or something. Oh the little things...

Wants and desires gone astray

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

At 23, I should be planning a wedding, not a funeral...

So these past few days have been the longest yet fastest days of my life. I can't believe it's already Thursday. I feel like I blinked and it went from Monday to today in just the matter of seconds. But at the same time, I feel like this whole ordeal has been hanging over my head for forever and a day. Each day that passed brought more news and more closure in some odd way. But I'm still finding myself in the heaviest daze and still questioning when I will wake up and the nightmare will finally be over.

Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*

On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.

*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.

I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).

So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!

There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:

“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)

My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)

I leave you with this prayer:

"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)

Peace & Love.

Breaking free from the curse of this family...

My father was bound by alcohol and pornography and very quickly became very lost. The devil had my dad by the throat and the evil that suffocated my dad came to an end Sunday night/Monday morning.

With all the specifics still under investigation, my dad was murdered Sunday night in one house and his body was set a-blaze in a burning house across the street in Washington Park. I don't know who was out to get him, but he was involved in something terrible that eventually lead to his death. His stripper girlfriend is under investigation, but they are trying to make sure he wasn't involved in drugs (I'm pretty sure he wasn't because I would have known about that or found something around the house that made it apparent). I know this doesn't sound real, but it's been on the news and in the paper and I can't even explain to you how much of a daze I have been in since yesterday.

I found out yesterday afternoon about all of this and I finally have the courage to talk about it on here because it's much bigger than just my dad's death. I write this not only to grieve and comprehend what just happened, but to tell everyone that I am here for anyone who's life has been bruised and torn because of alcohol or has had a struggling and complicated relationship with their father.

College is the worst thing to happen to kids when it comes to it's promotion of alcohol and partying. Young people become desensitized to drinking and driving or excessive drinking. I was one of those young people who didn't think twice about getting behind a wheel after a few too many cocktails. "I'll be fine. I'm fine." And the next morning, I couldn't remember how I got home and realized I was NOT fine. I would put myself in a situation where I KNEW the driver was drinking whether in the car or after a night of bar-hopping. I look at these decisions and want to smack myself and all of my friends around me who are guilty of this. IT'S NOT SAFE!!!!!!! You could kill someone and yourself! Wake up!!!!!

Along with drinking and driving, I've been guilty of compromising my morals and getting involved in activities with men who were not my boyfriend, and more specifically not my husband. It's not good when you don't remember how you got in his bed or what you 2 even did that night or how about this question...did he where a condom? Oh God, am I pregnant?!

I didn't drink that much in college, and my friends know that, but I still feel like I could have been headed down a very difficult road if I wasn't careful. Luckily I had a mom and friends to keep me in check and a God who all watched over me with every stumble and mistake.

I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to say anything about this because of legal reasons, but this was my dad, and IS my life and my story. The funeral arrangements cannot be made until they know for sure the details. They legally can't have a funeral without an exact cause of death or death certificate. I'm not looking forward to reliving all of these emotions that day, that's for sure.

With all of that said, I am forever thankful for my support system who came to my aid last night. Bless you all for stopping by or calling. I don't know what I'd do with all of you. Including Paul. He was by my side the entire night holding me and comforting me until I fell asleep. My boss is allowing me all the time I need to rest and grieve. She doesn't know about any of this because I only was told that he was in an accident and I assumed it was a car accident. I only wish it was that simple. There really is evil in this world and I want to work my entire life to stay far away from any of it. I suggest you ask yourself if that next drink truly is worth it if you are beginning to lose any self control.

I love you all too much to see anything like this happen to you and your family.

Be careful and know that God loves you because you are His children. He doesn't want to see anything like this happen to you. But when we take our lives into our own hands and don't listen to God, He can't help you any longer. There's only so many times He can try to stop you from killing yourself before it's just too late.

Sadly, it was too late for my dad. He was too far gone and couldn't be saved.

Don't ever let that happen to you. And I will try my hardest to step in if I become worried about you.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I'll be praying for all of you children of alcoholics. My heart is aching for you too.

Peace and love.

Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!

Oh Barbara...

So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.

Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:

So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.

So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.

It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.

So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)

Thanks. I love you all.

Peace & Love forever.

Letting go to meet again...

This morning would probably be one of those mornings in my life that would cause me a great amount of stress and anxiety. But not this time. You see, I had to get ready to attend my Great Aunt's funeral...an event that most people dread. I wasn't jumping for joy to go, but I was at peace. I was calm and comfortably uncomfortable when I arrived at the funeral home.

It was nice to see people I haven't seen in years and to look at pictures of Telle (pronounced Tell-ee...don't ask why we called her that, her real name is Eleanor...)and her siblings, including my grandma. I was holding on pretty well until we started singing. I normally can get through church hymns if I just sing the words and not think about what I'm actually singing. I couldn't do it. Old Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace just hit me for some reason. When the service was over I started to cry even more because I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. I walked to the bathroom and stood in the stall and balled my eyes out. I wasn't greiving Telle's death (I did feel for that too) but I was greiving my grandma's death. Over 5 years have passed since my grandma went home to be with the Lord, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I calmed down a little and my mom could tell that I was upset. I hugged her and said, "I miss grandma" like I was 5 years old again. I never let go of her death. I never really ever dealt with it at all. I repressed all the feelings and hid in my relationship with Robby. The night she died, I spent time with his family instead of my own because I was running away from it. I didn't want to think about it because I didn't want to deal with it.

I remember thinking as I stood in the bathroom stall, "I'm not scared of death. In a way, I WANT to get to heaven so I can be with all of my family that I have lost." And maybe that is a reason I was crying so hard. I wasn't scared of my life ending. Not that I WANT it to end today...no, that's not the point. The point is, if the Lord had to take my life, I would be okay with His decision. But I know God has so much in store for me before it's my time. I don't know, it was just a weird observation I guess.

So from Earth I say "Welcome home, Aunt Telle. Say hello to grandma for me. We will meet again."