Best Christmas EVER!!!

I figured I would post something about Christmas 2008 very quickly before I go head out with my new FIANCE!!!! :)

Yeah, that's my hand and I have a huge rock on my finger!!! :) Paul proposed to me on Christmas and it couldn't have been more special or perfect. It was simple, romantic, and totally him. No fancy restaurant, no audience, no photographer capturing the moment. Just me and him up in my room, listening to our song When God Made You (lyrics at http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/newsong/when_god_made_you.html), opening up 1 last Christmas present from him. "It's just something extra, something small, not a big deal Emily. I just wanted to get you something else because I love you so much." So I opened up this small box the size of half a shoe box and wondered what this gift could be. Little did I know that the gift would be a new fiance and that Paul would be getting down on one knee all teary-eyed and completely open about how he feels about me. And of course I got all teary-eyed, then laughed uncontrollably and said YES! We'll be getting married December 5th, 2009. The exact same date 2 years ago that I wrote him this poem:

To You, My Soul-Mate
It's almost 1am on a cold, early winter’s night.
I can’t seem to fall asleep
Because I’m thinking of you.
You see, we haven’t met yet,
At least I don’t think we have.
I’m praying that you aren’t lonely
Because somewhere I am thinking of you.
I just wanted to let you know
That it won’t always be this way.
You are worth all of this alone time.
God has placed an image of you in my heart.
You will be there until the day we finally meet.
And on that day, I’ll know it’s you.
There won’t be a doubt in my mind or heart.
I’ll know when it’s finally you.
I knew you existed;
I just needed to wait in God’s time.
You are everything I’ve hoped for.
Sweet dreams, my love.
Sweet dreams.
12/5/07

God's timing is just perfect. I couldn't plan any of this better. And the good news is I didn't have to! It doesn't matter how long you know someone before any of this happens. When you know, you just KNOW. It's that gut feeling that God sends you in your spirit when you know something is right. And this relationship was completely God's idea and He managed to keep me from moving to Los Angeles just so I would meet Paul, fall in love with him, and eventually get married all within 1 year. That was GOD'S PLAN. And I know we are completely ecstatic about it all! He was so adorable as he called all of his friends and family, just giggling and smiling from ear to ear. "We're engaged, Em...you are my FIANCE!"

How can I even explain to you how ah-mazing all of this is?! I had no idea that he would propose this soon. I figured it would be another few months longer just so people didn't think he was crazy. But we both finally realized that it doesn't really matter what other people think about it. If they love us, they will know just as we know that it is real. And it is. I couldn't think of any other person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I love him with all of my heart and I am so excited to start planning this wedding!!! Yay!!!

This truly was the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!

Something has changed within me...something is not the same...

Yeah...I'm a dork for quoting Wicked, so what?

But I honestly feel like those lyrics truly describe what's been happening to me. So much has changed since May, I can't fully grasp it or explain it to others who are just as confused as me. I can state the obvious, the things that we all can see (new relationship, less time with friends, more time at church, change of career plans, etc), but it goes much deeper than that. I've found myself not caring about the things that I used to care about and I'm questioning if it is good or bad for me to begin with. Not drinking? Yes, that's good that I don't do that anymore. Going to church 3 or 4 times a week? Yes, that's good that I spend more time worshipping the Lord and growing deeper in my faith. Falling in love? Yes, it's amazing that I've found the man of my dreams and I'm madly in love with him. You starting to get the picture? A lot of the things in my life have changed for the better, but I still feel like I'm falling short in life. The things that used to excite me, don't anymore. And the things that excite me are so new that it weirds me out that I love it so much.

I used to have passion for my art form, Theatre. I still love it, but I'd much rather spend time cuddling with Paul and laughing until my face hurts. Is that falling short? Ugh. No...it's just different. I'm different. And I wake up trying to get used to myself. Is that weird? My dad's death has REALLY shaken me. But no one would be able to tell (not even myself) because I keep putting one foot in front of the other, mechanically getting through it all somehow. I don't think anyone can heal from something like this so quickly that they completely act like it never happened. First off, that's denial and I'm not there. I just wonder if there comes a time in life where it will seem so distant that I can only look at my life with him in a good light. Right now I'm wanting that to happen, but I can't seem to get there just yet. I guess I put too much pressure on myself. It HAS only been a month.

I have to ask...can you stop depression when you feel it coming on? Can you make yourself not dive into the 1 thing that brings you so much joy but hurts your relationship with God? When somethings broken, one must go to God to fix it even if you cannot see Him or audibly hear Him. It is SO easy for me to run to Paul instead because he's physically there and I can SEE him, HEAR him, and TOUCH him. You can experience God in those ways too, but most of the time they are manifestations of him: signs, angels, guidance from His words. I feel like I'm giving myself advice right now by playing the devil's advocate. I know what to do, it's just the matter of following through with it!

I just feel numb when Paul isn't here. And I KNOW that isn't good for me. I must feel joyful no matter where I am, no matter if he is around me or not! Paul doesn't bring me joy. That joy must come from God first and He then spreads it by sending His people.

Ugh...I'm just in a weird low. Which isn't good around the Holidays. But I guess when you have something as odd as your dad being murdered, things are gonna be a little hard.

Oh well...I must keep my chin up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

16 Things about me (copied from my facebook account)...

1. I am completely undergoing the biggest transition of my entire life. I still feel like I need to be taking finals this week or drinking myself into a stuper with various kinds of energy drinks to stay awake to write those friggin papers! If that isn't enough, dealing with losing a loved one is never easy, especially if your relationship with them wasn't the warmest kind. Or how about understanding for the first time that you don't want to pursue life head-on as an actress (because you want a husband and 2 children) but as a teacher who acts on the side? Yeah, I'm still getting used to that one...

2. I'm inheriting an ungodly amount of money because of my dad's life insurance in the next few months which will help me BUY my first home before the age of 25. Most likely will get a car, new computer, furniture, clothes (can't wait to just buy myself some new jeans and undies), and pay for my wedding. Yeah, for a girl who had to steal food from her roommates just to get through college, this is kind of a big deal.

3. For the past 3 years, I saw myself living my life in LA or NY as a single, iindependent actress and not finding my soul-mate until my late 20's or early 30's because my career came first. Now I will be married in a year (proposal is probably coming before March, but we already have a date set for the wedding) and living in a house somewhere in St. Louis County completely and utterly in love with the man of my dreams and glorifying God at the age of 23 and completely and utterly exstatic about that.

4. I still sleep with a silky pillow case around my neck that I've had since I was born. I call it my "case."

5. I have moved my belongings from various places a total of 12 times from the time I was born until a month ago. Maybe that's why I want something consistent and steady like a husband, children, house, and career as a teacher...as far as I know no matter how terrible the economy gets, that job isn't going anywhere. Thinking about pursuing a career in acting makes me ask this question: How many people can afford entertainment in times like these? Honestly.

6. I grew up (Catholic) knowing that God existed, but until very recently(going to a non-denominational church), truly understood what it means to have a relationship with Him. I wake up every day praising His name for what He has given me. No matter what, He has used it all for good.

7. I feel myself growing distant with a lot of people in my life and I don't know how to explain to them how much I love them and feel terrible that I haven't been around much lately. When God sends you your soul-mate, it's really difficult to not want anything else. I'm trying my best to find a balance with it all. It will all work out, I promise.

8. I made a committment to God, myself, and Paul to save myself until marriage. I have become a "born-again virgin." I feel more like the Emily I remember before I met Nathan and I have more respect for her. Our wedding night will be fantastic! :)

9. I have watched alcohol tear a part my family since I was 4 years old. I have vivid memories of my dad coming home wasted and fighting with my mother. My grandma has lost a husband, 2 sons, and a son-in-law to alcohol and I don't want it in my life any longer. Although I have never seriously hurt myself or had it get terribly out of hand, I don't want to chance it. There were times where I shouldn't have driven home and there were moments where I woke up in another man's bed who was never my boyfriend. I never want to walk down that road again.

10. I have forgiven those who have hurt me and wish nothing but the best in their lives. I don't hate anyone or hold grudges.

11. I have lost about 10 lbs in the past 2 months solely because of stress. I haven't worked out since early October and need to change that.

12. Since July, I haven't been able to hold down a nanny job longer than 2 weeks. I think God is telling me to find something else. I am still having trouble figuring out what that something else is.

13. Faith Church St. Louis has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and my family. No doubt about it. It's brought us closer together. It has made us all happier individuals and it brought Paul into my life.

14. I suffer from an extreme form of PMS which has been diagnosed as PMDD but I just call it "PMS on crack." It varies from month to month as to how severe my symptoms are. Some months I don't have any symtoms and others, I have to stay home because my cramps are ridiculous or I can't stop crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason.

15. I listen to music CONSTANTLY because I don't like silence. I fall asleep to music or Scrubs on DVD.

16. I miss a lot of my friends, but am enjoying a new part of my life with my family. I have talked more with my brother, step-dad, and sister in the past few months than I have in the past few years. My mom and I were always close over the phone, but now I spend time with her more often than I have in the past. And having Paul and his family is just another amazing bonus. His little brother Keith has become my little brother (the one that thinks you are the coolest thing since sliced-bread kind of little brother).

Honestly...have I lost my drive?

So I'm sitting here awake at 12:46am when I should be asleep. But I ask myself why? I don't have plans tomorrow, which has been the statement of the hour for an entire month. My goodness...has it already been a month since all of that happened? Yeah, it has.

I have never been the type of person to be okay with unemployment, but I've reached a point of surrender. I have odd jobs that help me pay the bills, but it's not much. I guess I don't need an ungodly amount of money anyway. I don't pay rent or have car payments. My loans are going to be deferred until I have a steady income. I just need money to pay my phone bill and gas. I suppose I have always had money issues and have grown numb to it all. God provides somehow. And I manage to make it through every month so I'm not really worried about any of it.

I guess because I'm so used to being high-strung that when I'm not stressing or worrying every second of every day, something feels off. I have goals. I ALWAYS have goals, but my most recent goals are a lot more different than I'm used to. I have certain things to keep me occupied while I'm trying to get my life situated. But I feel situated somehow and I don't care that I don't have a career path right now. I honestly don't care and that feeling freaks me out hard-core. I've ALWAYS cared about that part of my life. Maybe it's because that's all I thought I had in my life to care about. Maybe it's because the world prepares us all to care about that. They don't teach us to care about church or family or love. We spend 17 plus years of our lives in school and they never say a single thing about any of that. Unless you go to a private school with religious affiliation I guess. But a majority of us spent many many MANY years going to public school being brain-washed into thinking that life is about making money and finding your place in the economy. Hahaha...I just laugh at that mere idea. What economy?! It's failing! If it wasn't for our families, we wouldn't need a reason to make money and I'd like to think that is why we must find a career...so we can take care of them.

But I've come to realize that even without my career a part of my life right now, I STILL feel complete. I'm STILL full of peace and joy. I still feel like I'm LIVING. At 22 years old, almost 23, I feel like I have a solid grip on what life is all about and it has NOTHING to do with what I've been drilled with since I was 5 years old. Absolutely NOTHING. I don't regret any part of my life, but college was the most hellish 4 years of my life. I have never felt more stressed or pressured in my entire life. Okay...figure out what you want to do with the rest of your entire existence...NOW!!! Oh, you're undeclared...that's sad. You don't know what you want to do? That's sad....

You know what I want to do? I want to be happy! I want a perfect marriage to counter-act all the rest of the divorces in this world. I want 2 beautiful children to love and adore and teach them about God and how much He loves them. I want a warm and wonderful house to come home to at the end of a long day at work. I want to spend time at church with my family and grow deeper in my faith. I want to use the talents God has given me to make a huge difference in the world and change lives. I may not know exactly what that is going to be, but I know I will continue to listen to what God wants for me. I want an act of illumination, not ellimination.

So have I lost my drive? Hmm...I don't think I have. I think my drive has been switched over from the world's system to God's system. Seriously. In the Bible it tells us that God is Love. And Love is at the center of my existence for the first time in my life. Not just romantic love, but love for all of God's people and especially people who haven't seen much of me over the years...my family. I choose them over my friends and a lot of my friends are left scratching their heads because they don't get it. I love my friends, but I love my family more. That's how it should be! And maybe we are all messed up individuals carrying around so much pain because of our dysfunctional relationships with our family. If we took the time to heal those wounded relationships, maybe other aspects of our lives would be more fulfilling. As we get older, our family grows because we form our very own family. I am getting older and things are changing for me at a very rapid pace because God has sent someone who I've longed for most of my life...my soul-mate. This isn't just another relationship doomed to fail. Paul isn't just a boyfriend. He is my future husband. If you have ever been in this situation where you know who you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you might just think I'm getting into too deep too quickly or maybe I'm just getting too wrapped up in him or obsessed even. I have never understood something so clearly in my whole life. And I know our relationship (which is centered in Christ) is what I'm supposed to focus on right now.

Everything else is just going to have to take a back-seat for awhile. I have the rest of my life to figure out my career. Who said you have to know that answer at 22? Who wrote those rules? I'm pretty sure that isn't in the Bible. I know God didn't want us to be alone.

18Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone;(R) I will make him a helper fit for[e] him." 19(S) Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed[f] every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and(T) brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam[g] there was not found a helper fit for him. 21So the LORD God caused a(U) deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made[h] into a woman and brought her to the man. 23Then the man said, "This at last is(V) bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;she shall be called Woman, because she was(W) taken out of Man."[i]
24(X) Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2: 18-24 ESV).

So, that's what has been on my mind lately and what has been going on in my life lately. I think about Paul every second of every day because I want to and because he is my gift from God. I'm not saying everyone's life has to be like this, but it sure beats being stressed out wondering what you are going to do for the rest of your life and how you are going to make money. To me, this is such a better deal!

Peace and Love.

Change is inevitable.

I've been dealing with change more frequently and more intensely than most people my age. But it's something that I have had to deal with since I was very little. Most of the changes that happened were the same as many of my friends dealt with and I had people to talk to because I wasn't alone in the situation: births, divorce, deaths, moving, maturing, dating, money problems, breakups...

But some changes were on a much larger scale and I had very few people in my life who knew how to relate to exactly what I was going through: nauseating family tension, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, moving so much that I never had a secure "home" for longer than 1 year, forbidden love affairs, betrayal, one-night stands, bankruptcy, and yes, even murder of a loved one.

But even as those changes flowed through my life, one thing remained constant: GOD's hand in my life holding me safely. My faith may have had many ups and downs throughout my life, but I always new God was there. Even when I was the most miserable person to be a round for 2 weeks out of every month, God still loved me and sent the right people who could handle my anxiety and PMDD mood swings. (Praise God that those aren't as strong as they used to be!)

I know some of you are wondering what happened to your friend, Emily. She put her friends at the top of the list, she liked to party occassionally, she liked going out boozing, she liked having a good time! Well, at least one of those 4 things are true still. I LOVE HAVING A GOOD TIME, but there are people in my life now that I now choose to put at the top of my list that haven't seen much of me over the past 4 years or in some cases even more than that: my family, my church, and the love of my life, Paul. My friends will always have a very special place in my heart, but I don't spend as much time with them as I have in the past because other things need my attention now.

I used to spend every weekend with some folks, and now I barely talk to them or see them. I know that when you don't live very close to each other, it's much harder to stay in touch and it takes a stronger effort. I know I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. And I apologize to many of my dearest friends. I guess I'm just trying to get used to some of the changes that have happened to me over the course of the past 6 months. I'm not the same Emily you may have known a year ago, 4 years ago, or maybe even longer in some cases. I choose God over a lot of things. And some may think I'm a Jesus Freak or think it's taking over my life. But I tell you this: I have NEVER been so happy or full of joy in my entire life and I hope that you are happy for me. The goodness that you found in me is still here and is stronger than ever. I've changed, but it's for the better, TRUST ME.

I don't know if you will ever know how much I love each and every one of you who have entered my life at any single moment. From my infamous birthday parties/slumber parties in gradeschool to Junior High Cheerleading to Trenton FUMC Youth Group to WHS Marching Band to SLU to Hard Road to SIUE & Summer Showbiz shows (My Jimmy Dean Girls, Chorus Line underwear and candle party/hide and seek, My cheese-tastic DHSM experience, Ah-mazing Big Love and Every Angel casts) to crazy cast and Halloween parties to wonderfully unique roommates to SETO Formals to Showtunes Tuesdays and Grey Fox to Faith Church St. Louis...they ALL mean the world to me and I love every one of those memories with you all. We don't have to be best friends for me to tell you that or let you know that I hold you close to my heart. If any of you think I hate you or are angry with you for any reason, you are terribly mistaken. I never stop thinking about any of you. Not a single one of you.

I just wanted to let you know that I may come across as different because my faith has become the center of my life and I'd rather spend my time at church functions than anywhere else in the world. Faith Church has become my home and it is where I feel the most at peace. If it wasn't for that church, I would have never met Paul and probably would have continued searching for love in all of the wrong places. That church brings me peace and joy and in turn I bring that peace and joy into the rest of my life. I may not enjoy boozing or partying as much as I used to, but I still have the same sense of humor and enjoy shaking my booty. That will never change. :)

Just know that I love you all and that I am extremely happy with where my life is headed. I'm in love with the man of my dreams and cannot wait to see what lies ahead for both of us.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers...all of you!

Peace & Love.

Update on Emily Rose.

Well, if it means much of anything to anyone, I am probably at the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I think it's because I have so many ah-mazing things to look forward to. I could take the time to list them all, but I'd rather you all be surprised when they actually happen instead of everyone and their brother knowing my biz-nazz like usual. I've realized that being an open-book comes with a price and I've been taken advantage of recently by putting my life on display.

So I'm going to stick to vagueness until I feel comfortable enough to get more detailed with some things. The people who are super super close to me will know soon enough about everything that's been going on in my life. Honestly, all you have to do is ask.

So as I was saying, I'm ridiculously happy. Like freakishly happy. Stupid happy. Hahaha...

A lot of that has to do with my faith and God sending me angels to help pick me up when life's struggles knock me down. You know who you are. For one, Paul has been a God-send, honestly. I'm not going to hide it. He really is the most amazing man I've ever met in my entire life and it has nothing to do with the fact that he is my boyfriend or soul-mate. I was in awe of him the first time we spoke. He is so genuine, warm, funny, and caring. And so many other qualities of course... ;) I never thought a love like this would exist for me until much later in life...once I had my career secured and I was close to 30. God had other plans for me. Thank goodness. I don't think I could have waited that long!

Some of you know I've had a big change of heart lately as far as my career path is concerned. And I know many of you are worried that I'm giving up or settling, but I tell you all: it's okay, I am doing all of this because I WANT TO. I feel God asking me to use my talents here in St. Louis. And not JUST my acting, singing, or dancing talents, but my brains and my integrity. If I'm supposed to move, He'll let me know and it will be painfully obvious. I'm tired of trying to MAKE things happen on my own. It's exhausting to tell you the truth. Believe me, I've been doing it for over 20 years. The tail-end of 22 has shown the transitions and year 23 will be different. I will forever listen to Him and live my life to impact and change other lives for the better. Amen! :)

Let's just say I'm going back to my roots before a certain someone entered my life and changed the way I lived my life. I'm building upon the good that was laid down long before I got to SIUE. Back when I wanted the white-picket fence lifestyle. I don't know why I used to bash that so much...maybe it was because I secretly wanted it but didn't think God was gonna send me the husband any time soon. Boy I really had no idea, did I?!

Life is just ah-mazing right now. Really, honestly. I know some terrible things have happened recently, but God has managed to turn it all into good and I'm being protected and taken care of. I applied for a position at Sylvan Learning Center in Edwardsville as a Teacher's Assistant. I really like tutoring. I started tutoring independently back in October and the kid's mom just told me that he raised his English grade (the class he needed the most help in) from a D to a B! That made my day today! There is physical proof that I am making a difference with my time and talents that God has given me. That's awesome! So I'm praying that I get this job and it will help me save money and build my resume a little for some things I want to pursue within the next few years as far as my career is concerned.

I'm going to most likely take a year off from theatre. I might do some small independent films here and there, but for the most part I need a break for a little bit. I need more time for family, Paul, and planning for some HUGE changes in my life. I also need more time for church. I'm auditioning for the youth band on Thursday (FINALLY!), acting with the drama ministry, helping in the TV department with Paulie on Tuesdays, and answering phones on Sunday mornings after the TV programs end. It feels good to do new things. Especially if they are helping people!

So that's about it...for now of course! :) If you're happy and you know it