Long time no blog...

I have been up since 3 am because I have trained my body over the last few days to only live on about 5 hours of sleep (against my will of course). So instead of just wrestling with trying to fall back asleep, I just gave in and decided to arise early and do a little reflecting, since I never seem to have enough hours in the day to do that anymore.

Well, much has occurred since my last post in February.

I have stood firm in regards to a lot of things that I had been believing for and really hadn't began to see anything manifest until April. Like a speaker I heard yesterday at a prayer conference said, "God takes a really long time to do something really fast."

BUT, God is forever faithful to the end and desires for us to be as well. Jesus tells Peter in Luke 22:32 that he " [had] prayed for [him] that [his] faith may not fail..." And I believe that is a prayer that Jesus still to this day is declaring over all of us.

All things are possible for those who believe, the Word tells us.

 

Things have accelerated so quickly over these last few weeks and my faith has been activated in a way that it never had before. And all this time, as I have waited to see my promises come to fruition, God has taught me the value of trusting Him even when I don't understand everything and even when I don't feel like my prayers are being effective at all. 

But every step of obedience has its rewards. For God IS a re-warder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him.   

DILIGENTLY in Hebrew is ekzētéō (from 1537 /ek, "out from and to" and 2212 /zētéō, "seek") – properly, seek out, emphasizing the personal intent of the seeker, i.e. the outcome intensely and personally desired by the seeker. This seeking is only as valuable (viable) as the motive which drives it.  to seek out for oneself, beg, crave

So as I look back and see all that God has done for me over these last few months and even more so over these last few weeks, I am in utter amazement. I have been praying and believing that every area of my life would experience the new life that Spring brings because I had faced a very long winter season that had left me feeling so weighed down and utterly discouraged at times. But God is breathing upon that prayer and breathing upon those areas. I am seeing, with my own two eyes, the faithfulness of God unfold in my life: pre-approval for our first home loan (we didn't even think this would be financially possible for us for another year, but has made a way), the permission from the Lord and Paul to join a team at GHOP (Gateway House of Prayer) as a singer there and being asked on a team right away (something I had been desiring to do for an entire year), leadership opportunities at our home church where we are operating in our gifts at new levels we never thought we possible, and finally, the biggest test of faith that I had been standing and believing to happen for about 2 1/2 years-a new job with better pay and health insurance benefits- and believing for about 5 years to one day happen- a job working at Joyce Meyer Ministries. And God has came through on all of them over the last month!!!

And all I can do is praise Him! All I can do is shout for joy because I know that my God is for me! 

And I know that although some of my promises may be unfolding before me, that does not mean the enemy does not want to continue to attack my faith even in the midst of my victory. In fact, he has tried even harder to steal my joy and peace since I received breakthrough. He did not want me to enjoy this victory whatsoever. But guess what devil, I STILL GOT THE VICTORY! And even when I was waiting for the promises to manifest, I STILL HAD THE VICTORY! HA!

I believe that is why Paul urges us in Ephesians 6 to stand firm no matter what. That is the way we defend ourselves from the attacks of the enemy: we stand firm and guard ourselves from his fiery arrows with our mighty shield of faith in the knowledge that Jesus Christ conquered death, hell, and the grave for us! No matter what, we win if we don't quit! Praise the Lord!

So as I walk out these next few months ahead of me, I will continue to praise God for all that He has done for me and all that I know He will do for me in the future. That is real faith: "speaking what you are expecting, not what you are experiencing" (PDW).

Walking by faith and not by sight.

I am so, so, SO thankful for this new season! Ready for the winds of refreshing to continue to blow over me and continue to encouragement my heart that new life has arrived. 

And I end with this: know that God is no respecter of persons and if He has done all of this for me, He WILL do it for you. Just believe!

Peace&Love,

Emily 

I'm back!

So it's almost 3AM and I couldn't sleep. I remember when I was in college and this would happen to me, I would just open up my laptop and begin to write. Just stream of consciousness type of writing. After awhile, my eyes would get heavy and I would be able to doze off fairly quickly.

And tonight, or this morning (however you wanna look at it), I realized how much I missed my old blog.

I have missed out on an entire year of blogging, my friends. That kind of makes me a little sad. But there is no better time to start back up then now! I have been keeping a written journal continuously, so not all is lost in the memory upkeep!

So...what's up with me these days, you might ask?

Well, I'm still very much enjoying married life. It will be 2 years here shortly....December 5th to be exact. I can't believe that much time has passed! I'm truly looking forward to a lovely dinner with my hubs next weekend. Frankly, I haven't seen much of him now that the holiday season is here. He is a salesman at Sears so retail hours can be kinda rough on this 9-5, M-F chick. Not to mention he has picked up a part-time job (2-10:30pm shift) to help knock out some of our debt. We definitely have to make the most of the time we have together. Helps us not take each other for granted.

I pay closer attention to the time we have. When you don't get much, you try to soak it all in. Car rides to Wal-mart or QT start to become more precious than you'd think. And as you can tell, we try not to take life too seriously. :)

Work Life:

The office made a move in July to a new location. Newer, cleaner, and more day-light!

The view from my desk... I no longer feel like I'm working in a basement! :)

I've been with NPS for 2 years and 8 months so far and I'm still believing for something else. I refuse to complain because I know I am blessed to even HAVE a job and a decent source of income. I would just like something a little less stressful and a little more enjoyable. I know God has me there for a purpose (and for a season) and I'm constantly trying to live with purpose when I'm there. When it comes down to it, people just need a little kindness and warmth in there lives and I try my best every day to show it to anyone who crosses my path.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,"

~Colossians 3:23

It all comes down to His timing and I will trust Him completely. I know if I wanted to, I could take matters into my own hands and find a new job. But would it be God's plan for me? I don't want to go my own way then ask God to bless it. I'd rather have God reveal His plans for me and they'd already be blessed! This doesn't give me a license to be lazy though. I keep my eyes open for opportunities and a couple doors have opened, but they didn't work out. Not to say God wasn't in it, it just may not have been in His timing.

Ministry Life:

I'm still leading worship at Wrecked Ministries. We have renewed our lease at the building another year. God is continuing to stretch all of us as we keep our eyes focused on Jesus and not on growing a ministry. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... Our worship services are still VERY intimate, but we are so blessed to be able to worship without limitations. We never pay attention to the clock and we don't care how you worship: lying down, kneeling, standing, sitting. We just ask that you surrender your heart fully to Jesus and pour out your best to Him. We've had our ups and downs in the leadership, but God has remained faithful. We believe if we can be found faithful over the little, He will make us rulers over much. So we honestly don't pay much attention to numbers anymore. We just want to raise up a prayer culture and a group of burning ones who long to worship the King in Spirit and in Truth.

Paul and I have tried out several churches over the last year, but we haven't found our "home" yet. When you're involved in a ministry, it hardly seems like you are missing out on too much because you aren't "forsaking the assembling together of yourselves." But there is something about attending church on a Sunday morning that nothing else can really replace. Again, we know in God's timing, He will reveal to us where He needs us to go. Until then, we are meeting regularly at Wrecked for worship, prayer, and Bible study.

Any way, the eyes are starting to get heavy just like I expected. :)

It's good to be back! Hopefully the next time I write it won't be an entire year later...

Peace&Love.

Friday daze

Got a chance to sleep in a little bit this morning (bc my boss rocks) and find myself wanting to cuddle up next to the heater and take a nap already.

Not feeling up to working full force today. Haven't been for the last few days actually. Kinda funny cuz I almost drove to the Wrecked building this morning instead of work so that shows you where my heart lies right now. I want to immerse myself in worship sets and write music all day long. But alas, God has placed me here in this season to verify insurance benefits and schedule appointments. Lol. Such a calling! Sorry for being fecisious. Health insurance just isn't the most exciting to work with.

I'm just having one of those days where I almost get sick thinking of this season lasting another 4 years (at least our plan for now) until I get to be a stay at home mom (my true calling). But must remain patient and in faith that God has it all under control. My sour attitude today probably has something to do with denying myself natural pleasures for almost 2 weeks now. How I crave chocolate! Oh well...it's good for me.

At least more puzzle pieces are coming together for Paul's true calling. He has always wanted to be a cop and now that he is 21 he can finally go through the Academy. The next class doesn't start until January so God is moving some stuff around to make it all possible for him to go to school and graduate from the Academy...big steps for a homeschooler who has never attended public school! I will help him though. Who knew I would get to enjoy the stresses of college all over again! Haha. But it is cuz I love my hubs that we will do it together.

Keep ya posted on this transition....

Peace&love.

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Enough to heal

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction.
He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be.
On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings. 
Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol
I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :)
The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know...
Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God.
Love&peace.
Em


when life gets simple...

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

Times they are a-changin'...

So I had my orientation yesterday at my new job. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing yet, but I'll find that out soon at training. I'm going to be learning something completely out of my element. Which I think is good for me. You should always continue to learn more, continue to grow. Expand your horizons, ya know.

Got my sunroof put it, and today is a wonderful to day to have it open but I'm currently nannying and won't be able to do so until about 6ish. Oh well, I've got plenty more sunny days to enjoy in the future!

I've been getting a lot of new things lately. New wardrobe: shoes, pants, shirts, jewlery, etc. And new music to jam to. I'm typing this blog on my new laptop. It was a good deal at Best Buy. It's a Toshiba and it has a webcam installed. I signed up for a Skype account so me and Miss Ana can chat! :) That's cool beans! Oh yeah, new hair do!

Hmm...what else is new with me? Um, oh yeah! I started losing my voice Sunday night and by Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday it was completely gone. Yesterday was the first day I could speak instead of whisper and now I can actually hit notes when I sing! I thank you all for the prayers. I could tell that the good Lord was working His wonders on me. I'll be able to record the album with "Innerlight" tomorrow and make beautiful music with my baby! I'm singing vocals on one of the songs he wrote for the band. We're gonna record some more tunes as well to be able to compile into a CD for Cry Out at Faith Church St. Louis. Check out the Cry Out Myspace Page for details of the event....you should come! http://www.myspace.com/cryoutonline

I leave for Milwaukee on Sunday. I'll stay up to date on here because I'm sure I'll be bored in the hotel all alone and can't call Paulie until 9pm. Ugh. He's gonna be out of town as well so it kind of worked out in a way. We'll be so happy to see each other Friday night it won't even be funny. Nah, it probably will be funny cuz we act pretty goofy when we're around each other. :)

Oh, wedding stuff:

New date...earlier than expected. September instead of December.

We registered for gifts! We're registered at Target, Walmart, and Kohls. That made so much stuff real for us. Shopping for our home...it was special. :)

Still haven't shopped for my dress. Need to do that. SOON!

Secured the reception hall.

Pretty much found a photographer.

Finalizing guest list tonight.

Writing the invitation wording tonight.

Ah...almost there! :)

Anyway, back to looking up honeymoon stuff.

Peace & Love.

This whole living-one-day-at-a-time-thing is kinda nice!

So as a request from a dear friend from faraway...I'm updating my blog! :)

Life has been utter polka dots and moonbeams. I fall in love with Paul more and more every day, I'm growing deeper in my faith, and I'm being showered with blessings everywhere I turn! New car, new designer purse, ultra-clean room, good times goofing around with my fiance in the church parking lot....you know, the usual.

My unemployment is coming to an end as I start my new job on the 16th! I'm so excited to do something more than clean my room and surf the internet during the day!

I've been anticipating our marriage more than usual lately. I started looking at things for our home and we also made a pre-registry list so it'll be easier for us to look for things when we actually register for our wedding. That made things more real. :) I even drew sketches of the layout of our bedroom and living room...I know, I'm a dork. I'm just REALLY excited. Seriously. I've always wanted this and everyday I can't believe I finally have it. I don't mean to go on and on about how wonderful he is, but if anyone knows me, you know he's the perfect person for me when I tell you that he writes me love letters on an almost weekly basis. Doesn't have to be a holiday or month-versary...he just loves telling me how much I mean to him. The most recent one said "You are more beautiful than the sunset over the ocean and more graceful than an angel in heaven." I know, I know...sappy stuff, but I LOVE IT! :) There's just something about someone looking at you in the eyes and brushing the hair out of your face and telling you how gorgeous you are or how you are the "best girl in the whole world." It never gets old...NEVER. It makes my heart smile every time I hear him say it.

The hardest part of our relationship is the distance between our houses. We're 45 minutes away, which isn't terrible, but it's definitely not easy on the mileage for our cars. And he can't be home too late so he has to always leave an hour early to make it home on time. So that definitely cuts into cuddle-time. We said that when we're married we won't take holding each other while we sleep for grant it because of the months and months of not having that. It'll all be worth the wait. Every minute of it!

If you can't tell, he's on my mind....A LOT. But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. He's my gift from God and I will forever be thankful. Aside from Paul, I've been thinking about my career path a lot. God's sending me signs and leading me to where He wants me. Right now, I'll be a receptionist. Learn the ropes of an office. Probably for a few years until Paul gets done with school. Then we'll see where God needs me. It's not about me anyway. I've got the man of my dreams...I'm sure He'll be able to pull some strings for me financially and bring me something that I enjoy doing and am good at. Acting remains in my life, but only to glorify God and to help teach His people more about Him. Other than that, I really don't think I need to continue pursuing fame or recogntion for my talents. That only led to pride anyway and a huge ego. I've gotten enough applause over the years...I know what it sounds like. And it's funny because God's applause is so much better than tens of thousands of people. "Well done, thy good and faithful servant." I want to hear that more than anything else. I want to know I used my life to change others' lives. They aren't my talents to begin with...I didn't make them. I didn't create me. Why would I take ownership of something I didn't create? So I'll listen to what He's telling me and keep living my life one day at a time.

Have a blessed weekend!

Peace & Love.

"Close the door, Emily."

"If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing even to give up their lives to follow me.” Matthew 16:24

Yesterday was a day for enlightment from my heavenly Father...chapter 4, I think. Chapter 1 was "Don't Move to LA!" Chapter 2 was "Pursue Your Dream as a Wife." Chapter 3 was "Become a Teacher." But I seemed to misinterpret Chapter 3, I think. I figured that meant "go back to school, get certified to teach speech/theatre, Emily." But that was easy way to become a teacher for the world, not the Lord. Last night I was wrestling with the concept of where theatre fit into my life...the NEW chapter of my life. I realized that when I used to perform (outside of church), I became selfish, prideful, and overly-confident. Getting cast or receiving the compliments and good reviews made me feel good about myself. I always wanted more, but never felt satisfied. When theatre became the center of my life, I pushed God further and further away from my mind. I couldn't see myself teaching other students to seek that kind of self-centeredness and prideful existence. So I thought, "hmm...teaching English suits me better!"

But as I woke up this morning, I had this weird feeling in my stomach about going back to school for another 2 years. "More stress and more debt," I heard. I know that God doesn't want us to get further into debt because He's helping us get out of it by sending me this inheritence. For Paul and I to fiancially work this out, I'd have to work 9-5 and go to school at night until probably 11pm and not get home until midnight and very rarely get to see him or spend time with him at our 2nd home, Faith Church St. Louis. That doesn't sound like God's plan for me at all! So I think this new "enlightened chapter" goes likes this... Chapter 4: "Grow Deeper to Guide My Sheep." I am feeling pulled to teach for the Lord....as a leader in my church's ministry. I don't know how crazy that sounds to people who knew me or know me.

Your dominant gifts are Pastor/Shepherd, Showing Mercy, Administration

The results of your Spiritual Gifts Inventory indicate that your number one dominant gift is PASTORING/SHEPHERDING! The Greek word "poimen" means pastor. In Paul's spiritual gifts listing in Ephesians 4:11, this term is translated "pastor." Although the word "poimen" is translated pastor only one time in Scripture it is used sixteen additional times. The remaining sixteen are all translated "shepherd." Therefore, we are actually discussing the GIFT of shepherding, not the POSITION of pastor. Though a good pastor must have the gift of shepherding, everyone who has the gift of shepherding is not called to be pastor. The gift can be used in many positions in a church.
As a gifted shepherd, you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by overseeing, training, and caring for the needs of a group of Christians. You are usually very patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others. You tend to be a "Jack of All and Master of ONE," meaning you are usually dominant in one of the speaking gifts (evangelist, prophet, teacher, exhorter) as well. You are often authoritative, more a leader than a follower, and expressive, composed, and sensitive. Your pleasing personality draws people to you.
You have a burden to see others learn and grow and are protective of those under your care. You want to present the whole Word of God and do not like to present the same materials more than once. You are willing to study what is necessary to feed your group and are more relationship oriented than task oriented. You are a peace-maker and diplomat - very tolerant of people's weaknesses. You tend to remember people's names and faces. You are more concerned with doing for others than others doing for you. You are faithful and devoted and may become a workaholic. You can become an all-purpose person in order to meet needs.
People with the gift of shepherding make the best Sunday school teachers and group leaders because their desire is to go beyond just teaching or leading, to shepherd and minister to the daily needs of their students. The position of Sunday school teacher or group leader is an extension of the pastoral ministry in the church. These groups should be shepherded on a small scale the same as the pastor shepherds the whole congregation on a large scale.
Be careful to involve other people; don't try to do it all yourself. Work on making people accountable. Do not be overly protective of your "flock." Because of these potentially weak areas, other people may think it is your job to do all the work; they rely too heavily on you. You may be expected to be available at all times, know all the answers, and be at every function. Learn when to say no.
Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He will cause discouragement when the load gets heavy, and pride because your "sheep" look up to you. You may develop family problems because of too little time and attention. You may become selfish when "sheep" feed in other pastures.
HOW CAN YOU USE YOUR GIFT? This gift is a great help in many areas. You may serve as a Sunday school teacher, small group leader, pastor or assistant pastor, bus captain, special ministry leader (such as youth, children, men, etc.), nursery worker or as a half-way house or other type shelter volunteer. You may consider serving as a dormitory leader in a college, orphanage, children's home, etc. Scout troops would appreciate your assistance as a den leader.

I didn't make this decision based solely on this assessment. Actually, I took this assessment back in January when I still thought I was supposed to teach theatre. I took the assessment for my volunteer work at the church and I now realize that my passion for this ministry goes much deeper than just volunteering on Thursdays and Sundays. I want to be a shepardess for the rest of my life. I want to be a TEACHER for the Lord. Teach others about His Grace and Mercy.
I think when I chose God and His blessings along with that decision (Paul, new friends, an awesome church family, and a stronger relationship with my own family), my old involvement in theatre changed. I began to use my talents God blessed me with to praise Him, not myself. I sang for Him, danced for Him, and interpreted for Him through my acting skills. I've felt more accomplished using those gifts at Faith Church than any other place I've performed. And God isn't going to let my degree go to waste. I may have taken those matters into my own hands back in 2005, but He will use it for good. I believe I will continue to sing at Faith Church and praise Him, and I also believe I will eventually direct the dramas along with performing in them if they need me.

So I've never felt more at peace in my entire life. I know this new role I'm supposed to take on will not be happening right away. But I truly believe I will be in preparation for the next 2-3 years. I must grow deeper. I must learn more about God to eventually be able to tell others all about Him. I must learn more about His word. I must want to seek Him even when things get difficult. I believe this is going to be an amazing journey. And I'm ready for the ride!

Peace & Love.

299

That's how many days we have left until we are married!!! I was just excited to see that it was no longer in the 300's. :)

In other news...

I had an interview at La Petite Academy in Glen Carbon, IL last week. It was a very last minute thing that popped up and I prepped for it in a very quick time. It lasted about an hour and 20 minutes, so I think that's a good sign. I should know by today or tomorrow if I'm the right one for the little Pre-K room. But, if that doesn't work out, I have another interview next Wednesday for that Dr.'s office. God knows which one I need, so I'm not growing too attached to either one. I just need a job to help keep my mind from wandering too much during the day.

I've realized how not many of my friends are in the same position that I've been in lately. Not many of them are preparing for marriage or are even close. It's an interesting adventure and I cannot compare it to anything I've ever gone through. I don't have many people to talk to about it besides those who are much older than me. I guess I've always been an old-soul and when it comes down to it, I love this new change in my life. If being engaged doesn't make you grow up just a little bit, I don't know what will. I no longer just think about how things are going to affect me, but how they are going to affect us. It's an interestingly new concept for me. :)

Simply, I've traded my career plans in for wedding plans. It's what I really wanted any way. I think the one reason I was so eager to make that move before was to be out on my own. I really do think that's it. I want a place to call home. I haven't had that in a REALLY long time. Sure, I have a place to lay my head down at night and I have a roof over my head, but it's not my roof and it's not even my bed. If I could just live outside my own 4 walls, I would so be giddy. Ya know, my own bathroom, kitchen, living room, and backyard. *sigh* I can't wait for all of that. And on top of all of that...my husband to be by my side always. My best friend to hold hands with as we walk around the park. Just soaking it all in. Living life.

It may not be as exciting or busy as LA, but it's home to me. That church is my home and when I'm with Paul, I'm at home. The career part of my life will be exciting, but I know I was made to be a mom and a wife. Call it boring or even mundane, if you want. But it's what I want. I was called to live the white-picket fence lifestyle. As much as I made fun of people who longed for that, I secretly wanted it to happen to me. And oddly enough, it is. :)

So here's to 299 more days of engagement. Time goes by so quickly...

My heart's in a funny place right now.

Have you ever stared at your destiny right in the face? I did this weekend.

I would be in Los Angeles, CA today, but God intervined. My dear friend Ana moved there yesterday to pursue her dreams and I'm so proud of her.

I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help myself. I will miss her deeply.

May God keep her safe and full of peace and joy.

I was SUPPOSED to go with her. I was SUPPOSED to be an actress on the west coast. I was SUPPOSED to be single and an independent career woman. But like I said before, God intervined. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I just have a place in my heart that is soft and in awe of God's work in my life.

If you want to see evidence of change, read my blogs from early September. I"m continuously getting used to me. My mom understood probably more than anyone in my life when I came to her the other night with my confusion. "It was a fast change. It happened so quickly," she said. And it did. This wasn't years of work, this was a mere matter of months for my heart to change like it did. And I'm completely left with my mouth gaping open.

I'm not sad right now. I'm just longing to be held by my amazing fiance. When I'm away from him, all I can do is think of when we will be together again. You see, that was MY dream long before acting came into the picture. A dream of having a family. A dream of falling love with the man of my dreams. Praise God for making this dream a reality for me!

On the good news list this week:

***There is a possibility I might have a job soon! It's at an orthodic (they sell orthopedics for people's shoes and whatnot) Dr. office in St. Louis where I would be working as a receptionist there. Scheduling appointments, answering phones, and talking to other Dr. offices. Keep me in your prayers. This job would offer me benefits and great pay. AND I'd get to work with adults! Something I have no idea about.

I really just wanted something to keep me busy while I'm awaiting marriage. I'm usually busy at night, but during the day, I'm ready to go crazy. It's been 2 months of this. And I'm ready for a change of pace...PLEASE!

It's funny because the wedding is pretty much already planned. Just the matter of paying for things and buying things. But the money isn't just going to come as soon as I snap my fingers. It's still gonna take a little while. *sigh*

That's about it. Just taking it one day at a time and getting used to the changes that come.

Peace & Love.

Update on Emily Rose.

Well, if it means much of anything to anyone, I am probably at the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I think it's because I have so many ah-mazing things to look forward to. I could take the time to list them all, but I'd rather you all be surprised when they actually happen instead of everyone and their brother knowing my biz-nazz like usual. I've realized that being an open-book comes with a price and I've been taken advantage of recently by putting my life on display.

So I'm going to stick to vagueness until I feel comfortable enough to get more detailed with some things. The people who are super super close to me will know soon enough about everything that's been going on in my life. Honestly, all you have to do is ask.

So as I was saying, I'm ridiculously happy. Like freakishly happy. Stupid happy. Hahaha...

A lot of that has to do with my faith and God sending me angels to help pick me up when life's struggles knock me down. You know who you are. For one, Paul has been a God-send, honestly. I'm not going to hide it. He really is the most amazing man I've ever met in my entire life and it has nothing to do with the fact that he is my boyfriend or soul-mate. I was in awe of him the first time we spoke. He is so genuine, warm, funny, and caring. And so many other qualities of course... ;) I never thought a love like this would exist for me until much later in life...once I had my career secured and I was close to 30. God had other plans for me. Thank goodness. I don't think I could have waited that long!

Some of you know I've had a big change of heart lately as far as my career path is concerned. And I know many of you are worried that I'm giving up or settling, but I tell you all: it's okay, I am doing all of this because I WANT TO. I feel God asking me to use my talents here in St. Louis. And not JUST my acting, singing, or dancing talents, but my brains and my integrity. If I'm supposed to move, He'll let me know and it will be painfully obvious. I'm tired of trying to MAKE things happen on my own. It's exhausting to tell you the truth. Believe me, I've been doing it for over 20 years. The tail-end of 22 has shown the transitions and year 23 will be different. I will forever listen to Him and live my life to impact and change other lives for the better. Amen! :)

Let's just say I'm going back to my roots before a certain someone entered my life and changed the way I lived my life. I'm building upon the good that was laid down long before I got to SIUE. Back when I wanted the white-picket fence lifestyle. I don't know why I used to bash that so much...maybe it was because I secretly wanted it but didn't think God was gonna send me the husband any time soon. Boy I really had no idea, did I?!

Life is just ah-mazing right now. Really, honestly. I know some terrible things have happened recently, but God has managed to turn it all into good and I'm being protected and taken care of. I applied for a position at Sylvan Learning Center in Edwardsville as a Teacher's Assistant. I really like tutoring. I started tutoring independently back in October and the kid's mom just told me that he raised his English grade (the class he needed the most help in) from a D to a B! That made my day today! There is physical proof that I am making a difference with my time and talents that God has given me. That's awesome! So I'm praying that I get this job and it will help me save money and build my resume a little for some things I want to pursue within the next few years as far as my career is concerned.

I'm going to most likely take a year off from theatre. I might do some small independent films here and there, but for the most part I need a break for a little bit. I need more time for family, Paul, and planning for some HUGE changes in my life. I also need more time for church. I'm auditioning for the youth band on Thursday (FINALLY!), acting with the drama ministry, helping in the TV department with Paulie on Tuesdays, and answering phones on Sunday mornings after the TV programs end. It feels good to do new things. Especially if they are helping people!

So that's about it...for now of course! :) If you're happy and you know it

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

That question is one you ask when you are about 10 years old and it continues as you go through school. I remember being asked that question constantly and it running through my mind at every second of every day, especially once it was time to start applying for college.


At first, I wanted to be a doctor but when I found out about the length of schooling, I said, “No way Jose!”


Then throughout most of high school, I prepped to become an English teacher. At 19, I transferred schools and transferred my career path to focus on becoming an actress.


I now have a BA degree in Theatre & Dance and still find myself asking “What do I wanna be when I grow up?” After dealing with my dad’s death and becoming a strong, solid woman of God, I have had a major reality check. With the economy being in the poor state it is in, I have been questioning my career path every day. I don’t think I can afford to take the selfish route and chase the dream of becoming a movie star. I have constantly asked myself recently some major life questions: Why are we here? What is our sole purpose on this Earth?


After some soul-searching and praying, I’ve realized that we are put on this Earth to change lives and help others through the struggles on this complex life. How can I become so self-involved to think that my performance abilities are going to help people put food on the table or heal them of their pain. Sure, I could help put a smile on their face for a little while, but that pain in their heart will still be there when the play is over or the 30 minutes TV show has ended. I must go deeper and I must think bigger than just acting.


How many of us actually take the time to figure this all out? I don’t regret becoming a Theatre major…not at all. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe it helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities. I am the confident woman today because of those few years forcing myself to put my vulnerabilities on the line every day.


With that said, I am discovering that I have so much more to offer the world than jazz-hands and dramatic and engaging monologues. And God is sending me signs every day to figure that out. I got an email from a former professor from SIUE today that reminded me how disciplined, pleasant, and bright I am. He wants to have me help him organize some things at his home for pay. I feel that this man can offer me the guidance I have been looking for.


On top of that, there is an author who is looking for my partnership with his new book coming out in February. I’m not sure where this is all headed, but God needs me to remain unemployed right now. With much discussion over the past couple weeks, I’m closing the door on the nanny biz. God has given me way too many talents and abilities (aside from my performance skills) to change diapers for a living. I don’t know what I’m being called to do, but I know I will figure it out soon enough. Nannying helped me make money when I was waiting to move to LA, but that is no longer the case and I need to figure out what I am being called to do.


After dealing with my dad’s death and realizing how utterly important my faith is to me, my eyes have been re-opened to what mattered most to me before I ever asked myself that simple question of my career path…love.


Not romantic love. But family, friends, and love for all of God’s people. If I have learned anything throughout these past few weeks, it is that life is very precious and it can be taken away so quickly. I don’t want to waste any moment pursuing a life full of stress or anger in the entertainment industry. I do want to take my life to help others and change hearts and lives. I do want a husband, house, and children. When it comes down to it, that is all that matters in life. Your family, your friends, your faith, and your health. Everything else is just filler until you get to be with the ones you love.


Maybe I’ve had an epiphany. Maybe it’s a revelation. Whatever it is, I have grown up and opened my eyes to what is truly important in life and it’s not money or your career. It’s the people God places in your life that makes those other things enjoyable. I will no longer allow myself to be brainwashed by society’s timeline or society’s plan for our lives.


What makes you happy? I guarantee you it is not a thing.


I may not know what I wanna be when I grow up in the world’s terms, but I do know that I want to be a strong, faithful woman of God who lives her life to glorify Him and help change lives around her. Details to follow…until He brings me the answer.


In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this precious life by taking it all one day at a time.


That’s all we can really do anyway.


Peace and Love.

For those who love me...

you will understand.

If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.

And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.

I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.

Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.

And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!

I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...

God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.

So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"

So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.

I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.

So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.

Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.

The best things in life aren't THINGS!

Jesus Placed the Highest Value on Relationships by Tom Holladay

Regarding life together and getting along with each other, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You’re God-taught in these matters. Just love one another! 1 Thessalonians 4:9 (MSG)

I don’t remember the time or the place or the conference, but the question the moderator asked has stuck in my mind. What I recall most vividly is the answer that immediately flashed into my thoughts.

Here is the question: Suppose you’re in a rubber life raft with a friend. You’re approaching an island. The raft is leaking, and you are within sight of land. In the raft with you are a set of signal flares, a week’s supply of canned food, and a five gallon container ofwater. You must throw one of these items overboard if you’regoing to make it to the island. Which one do you choose?

I have to admit, the first answer that hit me was “the friend.” Now don’t sit there with a pious “I’ve never thought anything like that” look! This silly thought that leaped into my mind was a reminder of how easy it is to value things over people. And who among us hasn’t struggled with that feeling?Priorities become most important when we must make choices. If we had enough time to do everything, everything could be a priority.

But we don’t have enough time to do everything. If we had the power to do every good thing we wanted to do, our choices wouldn’t be so important. But we can’t do every good thing we want to do. When Jesus spoke about the priority of relationships, he could not have been clearer. He taught that relationships must be given the highest of values."

I read this article this morning as one of my daily devotionals I receive through emails. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile now. But only because I WANT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS OVER THINGS! In Fall 2007, I trained myself to stop reaching out to others who didn't want my love and dove into thinking about my acting career 24/7. Ask any of my really close friends and they will tell you that I never shut up about LA. You should see my bookshelf! I have an entire shelf dedicated to books on the biz and acting. Thank you amazon.com! ;) For over a year, I turned my my mind and heart towards something that I could throw all of my passion and drive into only to realize just NOW that my career will NEVER love me back. Yes, I will have successes, but that's because of God's precious love, not the business' love.

Don't get me wrong, my calling to become an actress is still very important to me, but now that I have found true love (for REAL) from God, my family, my friends, and now most importantly Paul, I finally see the big picture. And it has nothing to do with my career. It has EVERYTHING to do with my very precious relationships. When I'm lying on my death-bed, I won't be holding my Oscar, but my dear ones' hands. Within the past 6 months, I have prioritized a lot of things (slowly but surely). God became number one again after about 4 years (thank you college) of being on and off the path. I do value higher education, but I don't like what it can do to young people's lives when they do not prepare themselves for it. If they are not careful, they can get strangled by society's timeline and by the world's opinions, morals, and standards.

I became someone else. I made decisions that compromised my morals and lived in a manic depressive state most of the time. The true Emily disappeared for a long time and I felt like I was going through life gasping for air. I'm so glad I can finally breathe again. That's what graduating was like. 17 years of strangling and struggling for a breath of air now over, a chance to make my own decisions for once, and the freedom to see life in a beautiful, STRESS-FREE light. I cannot express myself enough to you all how wonderful life is now that school (the institution of education NOT education itself) is not in my life.

I'm grateful for the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and I would be a fool if I did not pursue this career full force and use all of those talents and abilities to their fullest potential. But that pursuit with NEVER come before God, Paul, my family, my church, or my friends.
With that said, I have an audition tomorrow that will be my focus for most of the day, but when it doesn't need to be on my mind, I'll be using my time praying and thinking about Paul.

3 more days until I hold him in my arms. Thank God.

Peace & Love.

Keepin' the light switch turned ON!

Today's message was really good for my spirit. I needed it.

I'm in such a wonderful place in my life that I realized how content and relaxed I've become with everything. I don't stress or worry my life away. I just be...exist...am. It's a good feeling to feel this much at peace.

But there are always small things that seem to rise up to the surface and the enemy will try to poke holes in your amazing living situation. I grew up with financial strain and it has never really ever disappeared. Yes, I DO have a job now, but that doesn't make money just POOF into my bank account to get rid of my negative balance. It's going to take a little time to get back on track. So I could freak out about my financial situation or just believe that it will all work out in the end. Which is the way I think I'm supposed to live my life....

But it gets really tough sometimes!

I moved out of my alcoholic father's house this weekend to my grandpa's upstairs. I now have my own living space and my shoulders are free from all that weight that I carried every day wondering what I would have to pull my dad out of next. I've chosen to stay here until I move to LA. Gas is going down and I have faith that it will remain this low, so I will save on so much more money because of that. I would be putting so much money into rent for pretty much nothing then. I'm really not that far away from things. I have had to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere my whole life, so why couldn't I handle another year of it? I can handle it and I will! :)

This decision is going to help me save so much more money for things that I can't even see yet. An AFTRA contract? (details to follow after this weekend, I promise). Car insurance in my own name for once? A dress (of the white pursuasion)? New clothes that actually fit and don't make me feel fat?

I feel break-through happening. I'm in the midst of it now, and it's just going to keep getting better and better! This is I know for sure! I'm keeping my light switch turned on and the devil is going to have to tackle me to the ground to turn it off!

God spoke something very significant to me this morning at church. I don't want to say too much about it quite yet because I want it to manifest itself before I tell everyone. Let's just say that people from the west coast will see what Miss Emily Rose Mollet is made of this weekend! "There is just something about her...there is just this glow about her that makes me feel really good! I really like this girl! Let's pick her!"

Walk in faith, not by sight!

I WILL see this come to pass and I WILL live out my dreams...just you wait!

It's happening now and I'm thanking Him as every second passes.

I love you all.

Peace.

Patience. YES YOU MUST WAIT!

I gotta a phone call yesterday morning from my nanny agency telling me to expect a phone interview that night with a potential employer. AWESOME! Only problem is...they never called.

So I know they were impressed my my resume and they are really excited to talk to me, I just don't know when that's gonna happen. So I must wait by my phone all day for the next few days. I'm trying to continue to stay positive, it's just the waiting that's killing me! They don't need me until November, so I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to know I have a job or not. Wait! I know why...because I have a small fear of the unknown! Yes, yes, that's it!

So...it's a wonderful thing that I even get an interview. I need to keep telling myself that. I've been struggling with finding a job since the end of August, so this is great for me to get a chance to be secure and comfortable with my finances finally.

Onto my other career...my acting career...I'm lining up auditions and readings left and right and also performing in a play and eventually filming an indie movie. So, I think I'm doing a good job with remaining active and I feel as if I'm allowed to call myself an actor. I'm not sitting on my butt until something happens, I'm working on making things happen every day.

I'm hearing great things from people in the biz and I'm excited to see where it leads me. Good things are gonna happen to me!

Always on my heart.

So sometimes when I least expect it, I hear God's still voice. A lot of times it's when I'm in the shower or in the bathroom at all. I wonder why that is...maybe it's because there aren't any distractions in there and whatever activities are done in there are pretty basic and second-nature. Too personal? Oh well, we all poop and take showers. Get over it. :)

If anyone knows me they know I'm extremely driven and goal-oriented. This is tough for a Christian because we are taught to surrender our lives to Christ and to let God have the pen to our life-story. When things aren't going the way I would like them to, it's really tough not to fight God for the pen or find my own pen and become a CO-AUTHOR with God. That's just silly to even TRY to compare myself to such a master writer. Something that I really enjoy about God's presence in my life is when He puts a goal in my heart and He sends me mental pictures of what they look like. Not to sound conceited, but I see myself walking down the red carpet at award shows and later giving that infamous speech that I've practiced every time I watch the Emmy's, Oscar's, Tony's, Grammy's, etc on the TV. I see myself belting it out behind the footlights on the stage at the August Wilson Theater on Broadway. I see my face and my bio on the back of my latest novel in Borders. I see me in the recording studio with the headphones singing the Lord's praises on my up and coming Praise and Worship album. It may sound crazy...but He would not give you talents and abilities and not let you use them to your fullest potential! So remember that.

With that said, one of my biggest goals and dream is to become a successful actress of both stage and screen. I've been planning my move to LA for over a year now. One of my obstacles to reach this objective was school. I tackled that one when I graduated in May from SIUE with my BA in Theater and Dance. Awesome! Now onto the next obstacle...MONEY! You need money and a lot of it if you want to be successful in a new city. Especially a big city like Los Angeles. And this obstacle has been kickin my butt since the end of August. God has provided for my basic needs and a little more, but so far, I have not found a solid job to go beyond my basic needs and save all the money it'll take to start a new life in LA.

God said this to me today: "Emily, I made you a very talented and driven YOUNG (youthful looking) woman and I will bring so much success to your life that you will never have to depend on anyone [especially a man] but me. You will have all of your needs met and more. So much so that you will be able to provide for your family and give back to them all that they have given you and more. You will be able to give back to your community and your church family. You will have more than enough. Your life will be overflowing with success and you will live your life in abundance! Because of your youthful looks, it won't matter how long it takes you to reach that success in your acting career. Time is not running out for you. In fact, as you age, you will understand your craft more because of your maturity and life experiences that I have allowed to happen to you. You will continue to learn and grow from every fall and every step that you take."

Wow.

If that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what does! That's how much our God loves us. He will take care of you! Don't compare your path with anyone else ever again. Your path will be so utterly unique and colorful. Because of that you will find so many rewards in life.

When I allowed myself to let all of that sink in, I realized that there is no rush anymore. I actually ENJOY what's happening right now, right now in front of me. Maybe there is a HUGE reason God is asking me to stay here in IL. And I won't know what it is until it happens or I'm happily living life in LA and I can look back and be glad I stayed. It could be one BIG thing or it could be so many small things that add up to a wonderful life. I can make a list right now of all the things that have happened to me and they all make me really excited to see what else is to come. With all the good, the enemy continues to throw all the bad my way. I keep knocking it down with my faith in our Creator.

I discuss my faith on here because it's very important to me and right now it's what I depend on to get through these difficult times. There's not a day that goes by that I do not link what's happening in my life with God's grace. I express it through my words to shred some light on my issues and maybe to help someone else get through their own struggles.

I'm in a good mood despite all the hardships going on right now. I guess the good mood has a lot to do about feeling protected by my heavenly Father. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

I love you all. You're all precious to me.

God's Time

I've been having a heck of a time these past few weeks finding a solid job with some security. The job interview that I'm supposed to have on Saturday leaves me with an odd feeling. I found it on craigslist and the guy posted a new position the other day that look very similiar but some things were changed. And that's the weird part, it's a guy. He hasn't mentioned the baby or his wife. So I emailed him yesterday and told him that because of the shady stories I've heard about craigslist, I wanted to meet him in a public place like Starbucks. I still have yet to hear back from him. Like Pastor Dave says, "If you don't know...don't go." I'm having a weird yellow light in my spirit about it. It could be some creeper trying to meet a nice girl by offering her a fake nanny job.

So I called my nanny agency this morning and they are sending my newly updated portfolio to a family in University City. It sounds great to me. $500/week, paid vacation and holidays, and I get out early on Fridays at 3pm. I don't know...I'm wondering why this search has been so difficult for me. The longer it takes me to find a job, the longer I won't be moving out to LA. I wake up every morning thinking about this when I know I should be praising God for His glory even if I can't see it. "Lead by faith, not sight" Pastor Dave says. It's not like I haven't been doing the work. I apply for at least 2-3 jobs a day. That's a lot of jobs for the past month and a half! But honestly, I think God is trying to teach me patience and discipline. And probably gratitude. Every glory should be praised to Him, not myself for finding a job. I'm so used to controlling everything. I am very organized and my OCD kicks in from time to time and I've always managed to have many successes in my life. For the first time in my life when someone asks me what I'm up to, I get embarrassed because I am not as successful as usual. I don't have some grand thing to talk about. Being unemployed isn't the big impressive thing I want to talk about after I just acheived a college degree. But I suppose that is God teaching me humility. I've always had such confidence in myself. And I still do, but God wants me to be confidently humble. If that makes any sense.

The one thing that I've still been holding onto and really need to surrender to God is when I will move. At first I said, "It'll happen when God wants it to happen." And then when I found that last job in Ladue, I put a date back on it. I think God is shaking my life to wake me up and STOP CONTROLING EVERYTHING! So yeah, if I get this nanny job with my agency, I have to give them at least a year committment. That means if I don't get the job until the end of this month, I won't be headed to LA until Nov or Dec 2009. A part of me is going "AN ENTIRE YEAR FROM NOW...WHAT?!" That's the driven side of me that wants this career to happen. But then the obedient Christian is saying "When it's God's time, it's GOD'S TIME!" And as each day passes, I see why staying is the better choice...I met so many people at church the other night and one of them asked me for my number. I got invited to a weekend youth conference in FL in January and I'm going! I talked to the lady in charge of it and I'm giving her my money on Sunday to secure a spot. It's only like $150 to go and it pays for everything..including a house on the beach! If I was moving in January, I couldn't go to this thing. God is so specific isn't He?! :)

I'm getting more involved in the drama ministry at church. I helped with a skit on our big "Country Sunday" and the woman in charge of the Xmas program told me that I don't even have to audition because they already want to give me a part and most of the material is gonna be filmed! That's exciting!

I'm feeling called to help in the nursery. I think I've been going there long enough that I don't need to sit in the sanctuary to get the message. They desperately need help and I think I need to serve where there is need.

Brighton Beach is going well. I keep getting really good comments from the director, so that's good. The indie movie doesn't shoot my scenes until November or December, but when we do, I'll so be ready! I'm auditioning on Sunday for Webster's student film season. It's just like a giant casting call for all of the directors to pick out their actors. Hopefully I'll get a chance to do a couple projects and get some stuff for a reel. I'll be around longer so I can build up my resume a little more. When it's God, it's effortless. I'm so excited for it to finally be a little bit easier because this whole trying to control it all on my own has been tough!

In due time...

I can't seem to stop thinking about finding a job. It'll be 1 month on Monday since I lost my job, and I've applied at over 20 different places and nothing seems to be working out. I got offered a job Wednesday night by a really lovely family, but it would only be 15 hours a week. When I calculated how much I should be getting paid, it was at $13 an hour. This does not include gas reimbursement. I'm wondering if $16 an hour would be asking too much? Or at least $250 a week? I think I might talk to them today and see what they think.

I figured I could get this job and find another part-time job on Tuesday and Thursday or even remain open for some temporary nanny gigs from Childcare Solutions. Hmm...sure....

The sermon on Sunday night talked about PASSION. Pastor David said, "Passion can do more than money ever could!" So I look at making $250 a week and think, Well...I can manage with that much a month, right? As long as I have at least $5,000 by the time I move to LA, I'm fine! I'll be able to find a solid nanny gig out there and be set making up to $20 an hour!

So now, I feel a little more confident with everything. If this is it, then I would feel a little more at ease. I would just like to get that worry and stress off of my chest. I don't mind having a little stress, but the idea of being unemployed for a couple more months is driving me up a wall! If I could get out of here by next summer with at least $5,000 under my belt, a couple more credits on my resume, I would feel so much better about this decision to stay here for a little while longer. I will continue to pray and be patient, but God has put the desire to pursue this career in my heart and I want to put Hollywood on fire for God! That is what I feel is my mission. Hollywood needs good, honest, loving people to clean up all the mess we have put ourselves in as a society and culture. I want to be at least one of those people to help!

Anyway, one day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time...

Onward and upward.

Peace, Love, & Joy always.

Open your eyes to the signs from your Heavenly Father!

This cartoon made me laugh when I found it. How much easier would life be if God's signs were obvious like this one! But when it comes down to do it, life gets much easier when you open yourself up to receive those signs from God. Life only gets hard when you stray away from God's path and make your own way. The signs become more difficult to see when we are blinded by desires of the flesh and not the spirit.

God wants us to seek Him first. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

When God becomes the center of your entire life and you truly start living for His desires and not your own desires, you will begin to see how God's desires for you will become your desires for yourself. He knows you more than anyone because HE MADE YOU! He knows what you like and dislike. "God underscores His words to us by reminding us that He Himself made us. He knows His people (you) inside and out...the good, the bad and the ugly. He knows everything about you: your strengths and weaknesses, your gifts and talents, your history, your present and your future. He has created you uniquely special and He delights in you."-Rachel Anne Ridge

Now, I'm reminded of a story I read a long time ago at a retreat I attended at SLU:

Open Mind, Open Arms, Open Heart

"God, are you real?" the boy whispered.
"God, speak to me." But the boy did not hear.

So the boy yelled "God speak to me!" And the thunder rolled across the sky.
But the boy did not listen.

The boy looked around and said, "God, let me see you!"
And a star shone brightly.
But the boy did not notice.

So the boy shouted, "God, show me a miracle!"
And a life was born.
But the boy did not know.

So then the boy cried out in dispair, "God, touch me and let me know you are here!"
Whereupon God reached down and touched the boy.

But the boy brushed the butterfuly away and walked away unknowingly.

Take time to listen.

Often times, the things we seek are rightunderneath our noses.

Don't miss out on your blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

-Anonymous

Listen carefully to God's voice. He's speaking ot us daily in many different ways. Remember, God's ways are not our ways. And the way we think God will speak to us, may be entirely different from the way God chooses to speak to us. Always keep an open mind. If you would just take off those blinders and open yourself up to God's blessings, you would be blown away at how much God loves you! Life will become so much more fulfilling because you will be able to see God everywhere.

Now, I've been praying for a sign to figure out if I should move to LA or not. Thankfully I've allowed myself some time to truly listen to what God was trying to tell me instead of making any hasty decisions. Like I said before, LA was my total focus for over a year. It was all I talked about, thought about, read about, dreamt about...until now. I wake up thinking about God's blessings upon my life and I ask Him what I can do to spread His word and light today. Now, I haven't lost my passion for performing. I still adore acting, singing, and dancing, but those are things that I do, not who I am. Yes, I act, sing, dance, write, think, feel, laugh, cry, love, etc. but am I not any one of those things. They are the abilities that God has blessed me with and I will use them while I am here on this Earth to pursue my true purpose in life. And like I say all the time, I am constantly seeking to find that purpose. Instead of finding some huge, complicated idea, I've come to realize that everyone's purpose (if they are a believer) is to bring other's to God and live life in love because God=Love. I will use what He has given me to acheive that purpose. And I will take each precious day at a time to get there. Each step taken adds up to an amazing journey.

So, I'm not moving to LA for awhile, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I know I will because God has placed that desire in my heart. Just like He has placed the desire to be here in St. Louis for a little longer. I feel like He has so much more for me to do here first before I take the West Coast by storm! :) God is working some amazing things in my life right now and I can't wait to look back on it all and be so utterly glad that I stayed to bring life to these things!

*I want to start a mentor program (Big sister/Little sister and Big brother/Little brother kind of thing) with the youth at Faith Church St. Louis specifically dealing with relationship issues.
*I want to use my singing abilities with the Praise and Worship team at Faith Church St. Louis
*I want to use my acting abilities to help inspire the youth by discussing struggles that pertain to today's youth
*I want to strengthen my friendships with those that live here in St. Louis and learn to strengthen the friendships with those who live further away
*I want to strengthen my relationship with my family by spending more time with them

Yeah, so God is sending me some amazing opportunities to share His Love to His people and I am going to live for today.

And cue the theme song:

Live for Today by Natalie Grant
Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

(Chorus)
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way

I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

(Repeat Chorus)
Oh my oh so crazy life
Has got me spinnin around and 'round
Hangin' upside down
Takin one step at a time
Holding your hand all the way
And it'll be okay
I'm gonna live for today
Follow in your way
I will follow you



Amen!

Peace, Love, and Joy!