Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!

Oh Barbara...

So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.

Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:

So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.

So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.

It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.

So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)

Thanks. I love you all.

Peace & Love forever.

Falling into place

I cannot even begin to describe the weekend I have just experienced. I think I could talk about it step by step, but it would never capture the true meaning of it all. Let’s just say I was given a gift this weekend worth more than anything I could have ever imagined. I was given a chance to discover my soul-mate.

Yes, to many, that statement sounds utterly ridiculous. But I know in my heart that it is truth. Complete truth. Perfect TRUTH. Paul, the “wee lil guy,” the young 18 year old I met at church back in August and just now got a chance to truly get to know him, is my soul-mate and we have fallen completely head over heels for each other. And the awesome part of this news is that WE did not do anything to make it happen. It was GOD. All God. When it’s God, it’s easy…it’s effortless.

Paul and I spent a total of 22+ hours talking to one another from Thursday-Sunday..all in person. Over this time-span, we not only learned more about each other, we learned that God had wired us for one another. We did not have to create anything because it was already there, our hearts waiting for one another’s chance meeting. He grew up in that church and longed for the day when his one and only would walk through that door. As he grew weary and was feeling somewhat discouraged, he dove into serving. Since the age of 6 years old, he worked in the TV department and has recently became the head of the department. What my mom saw on TV that wonderful morning was because of Paul’s service and his loyal heart to God. If my mom never saw Pastor David that morning on TV, we would never be members of Faith Church and I would have never met Paul. If I wasn’t wearing my silver shoes that another girl had as well that “made our feet smell,” I would have never met Morgan who then would have never introduced me to Paul back in August. It all falls into place. All the pieces are coming together.

If I listed all of the qualities I have longed for in a man right now, Paul would exceed all of them. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is all I have ever dreamed of, prayed for, hoped for. He is that true love I always searched for. The problem was the searching and the solution was surrendering my life to God. One week ago, I let go of so much pain and frustration that I had been holding onto for so many years. The very same night I did that, Paul asked me for my number and the rest is history. So much rests in your faithfulness towards God. If you listen and patiently wait, He will bring it all to you. Not in your time, but in His time. 7 days. He created the world in 7 days. We’ll never be able to wrap our heads around that concept. But I’ll just continue to praise Him because of that.

I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I do know I will remain in faith. I will forever be a servant for God. Since last night, the idea of pursuing my dreams and having Paul in my life has been dancing around my head and weighing heavy on my heart. We both know that God wouldn’t allow us to find each other and then tear us a part. The only known is the unknown and above all, we must remain in faith and KNOW things will all work out even if we cannot fathom HOW they will play out. God is a much better planner than either he or I could ever be and I trust He will pave a way for us to both follow our dreams as individuals and as a couple. I’ve never believed people were made up of half of person and when they found their soul-mate, their “other half,” they were finally complete. I believe God has already made them complete when they allow themselves to have a strong relationship with Him. When two people come together, their union is so strong, NOTHING can break them a part. They come together as two WHOLE individuals with dreams and aspirations and they never stop living their own life, but learn how to share each other’s experiences together. Paul’s dreams become MY dreams and my dreams become PAUL’S dreams because we love one another SO MUCH. This is something I pray will happen for us. I talked to God about all of that this morning and also about why I wanted to be an actress. Since reading Purpose Driven Life, I’ve been figuring out more and more about my calling. God spoke to my heart this morning that calmed my worries. He told me:

Emily, I have given you your talents and abilities for a reason. You are not supposed to hide those talents from anyone or use them for personal pleasure or gain. You are supposed to share them with the world. You must learn how to serve in the church because it is very important to me, but most importantly, you are to serve in the world. You must be the light in all of the darkness. And Hollywood and Broadway are contaminated with evil and darkness. I want you to spread the news that they are not alone and that they no longer have to endure suffering and pain. And that there is a way…Jesus. I want you to be my strong Christian actress. You know that you are not OF this world, but I do ask you to live IN it. That is why you are here…I ask you to GO UNTO THE WORLD and share my message. The Bible says, "Go unto the world and preach the Gospel to every creature, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things and lo. I am with you always unto the end of the world."(Mathew 28: 19-20). Tell them about me. Share your talents that I have blessed you with. Not just your performing talents, but your heart, soul, and mind. Share with them who I have molded you into. Use your acting abilities to bring peace in their hearts. That they are not alone in this world. That they have brothers and sisters in the Lord who fall down just as they do. You will know what projects to choose because I will send them your way. You will know what projects go against your heart and morals. You will take what is going on in the world and know how to make change. You will bring hope and peace to so many hurting people. You are only one person, but each heart that you change matters to me.

I ask you to stay here in St. Louis to practice this difficult task. You are in preparation here. You will know when it is time to move to the next level. It’s going to seem very difficult and frightening to leave all that you have grown to know and love, but I have blessed you with very supportive friends and family members who will be there to hold you up when you are too tired or doubtful that this is your purpose. And you always have me. Because of that, I make it seem effortless. Most recently, I have sent Paul to you because He will be that strong masculine figure you’ve been asking for. He will prove to you that all the pain you’ve endured with men in your past no longer has to exist in your future. But remember to enjoy the present with him. Both of you will be so excited for things to come because I have given you the gift of certainty with this relationship. Don’t let that certainty overpower all the rest of your uncertainty that I ask you to take the time to pray over. I don’t want you to know all of the answers right away because I want you to look to me for the answers. And I do know them. You just need to be patient and listen.

Paul IS your soul-mate, Emily. You know this in your heart. He is everything you’ve been asking for, everything you’ve been hoping for, everything that you’ve been praying for. This is a gift I have given you because you have chosen to listen to me. You heard me ask you to stay. There are many gifts I have given you so far and many to come because of this decision. But Paul is something I know you’ve wanted your entire life. Something much bigger than a successful career or financial freedom. He is your one, true love. The true love you’ve asked me for time and time again. He will be by your side while you are in preparation here in the Midwest and by your side wherever I ask you to go. He will be another support for you because he truly believes I have placed this dream in your heart. Your passion for the talents I have given you and this dream will mean so much more because you now have a partner to experience it all with. Your relationship will blossom into something you cannot even imagine yet. It feels utterly amazing now and words will never be able to describe what it will be. I know you have a big heart full of love and you will love him unconditionally until the end of time. He will forever give you the same in return.

So REJOICE, REJOICE and be exceedingly glad! This is a time to tell the world about me and about what I have given you. Share your story: your struggles, your hardships, your pain…but most importantly, share your blessings. Let others know that it can happen if they are joyful, patient, obedient servants. Thank you for continuing to grow in Christ. And thank you for listening. You will never regret it.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Leaving it, Letting it Go, Letting it Drop...FINALLY & FOR REAL THIS TIME!

So this morning I am chillin, listenin to some good tunes. These are the last days of my unemployment…I can feel it.

I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.

I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.

I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”

What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.

So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:

I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)

I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!

Patience. YES YOU MUST WAIT!

I gotta a phone call yesterday morning from my nanny agency telling me to expect a phone interview that night with a potential employer. AWESOME! Only problem is...they never called.

So I know they were impressed my my resume and they are really excited to talk to me, I just don't know when that's gonna happen. So I must wait by my phone all day for the next few days. I'm trying to continue to stay positive, it's just the waiting that's killing me! They don't need me until November, so I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to know I have a job or not. Wait! I know why...because I have a small fear of the unknown! Yes, yes, that's it!

So...it's a wonderful thing that I even get an interview. I need to keep telling myself that. I've been struggling with finding a job since the end of August, so this is great for me to get a chance to be secure and comfortable with my finances finally.

Onto my other career...my acting career...I'm lining up auditions and readings left and right and also performing in a play and eventually filming an indie movie. So, I think I'm doing a good job with remaining active and I feel as if I'm allowed to call myself an actor. I'm not sitting on my butt until something happens, I'm working on making things happen every day.

I'm hearing great things from people in the biz and I'm excited to see where it leads me. Good things are gonna happen to me!

Always on my heart.

So sometimes when I least expect it, I hear God's still voice. A lot of times it's when I'm in the shower or in the bathroom at all. I wonder why that is...maybe it's because there aren't any distractions in there and whatever activities are done in there are pretty basic and second-nature. Too personal? Oh well, we all poop and take showers. Get over it. :)

If anyone knows me they know I'm extremely driven and goal-oriented. This is tough for a Christian because we are taught to surrender our lives to Christ and to let God have the pen to our life-story. When things aren't going the way I would like them to, it's really tough not to fight God for the pen or find my own pen and become a CO-AUTHOR with God. That's just silly to even TRY to compare myself to such a master writer. Something that I really enjoy about God's presence in my life is when He puts a goal in my heart and He sends me mental pictures of what they look like. Not to sound conceited, but I see myself walking down the red carpet at award shows and later giving that infamous speech that I've practiced every time I watch the Emmy's, Oscar's, Tony's, Grammy's, etc on the TV. I see myself belting it out behind the footlights on the stage at the August Wilson Theater on Broadway. I see my face and my bio on the back of my latest novel in Borders. I see me in the recording studio with the headphones singing the Lord's praises on my up and coming Praise and Worship album. It may sound crazy...but He would not give you talents and abilities and not let you use them to your fullest potential! So remember that.

With that said, one of my biggest goals and dream is to become a successful actress of both stage and screen. I've been planning my move to LA for over a year now. One of my obstacles to reach this objective was school. I tackled that one when I graduated in May from SIUE with my BA in Theater and Dance. Awesome! Now onto the next obstacle...MONEY! You need money and a lot of it if you want to be successful in a new city. Especially a big city like Los Angeles. And this obstacle has been kickin my butt since the end of August. God has provided for my basic needs and a little more, but so far, I have not found a solid job to go beyond my basic needs and save all the money it'll take to start a new life in LA.

God said this to me today: "Emily, I made you a very talented and driven YOUNG (youthful looking) woman and I will bring so much success to your life that you will never have to depend on anyone [especially a man] but me. You will have all of your needs met and more. So much so that you will be able to provide for your family and give back to them all that they have given you and more. You will be able to give back to your community and your church family. You will have more than enough. Your life will be overflowing with success and you will live your life in abundance! Because of your youthful looks, it won't matter how long it takes you to reach that success in your acting career. Time is not running out for you. In fact, as you age, you will understand your craft more because of your maturity and life experiences that I have allowed to happen to you. You will continue to learn and grow from every fall and every step that you take."

Wow.

If that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what does! That's how much our God loves us. He will take care of you! Don't compare your path with anyone else ever again. Your path will be so utterly unique and colorful. Because of that you will find so many rewards in life.

When I allowed myself to let all of that sink in, I realized that there is no rush anymore. I actually ENJOY what's happening right now, right now in front of me. Maybe there is a HUGE reason God is asking me to stay here in IL. And I won't know what it is until it happens or I'm happily living life in LA and I can look back and be glad I stayed. It could be one BIG thing or it could be so many small things that add up to a wonderful life. I can make a list right now of all the things that have happened to me and they all make me really excited to see what else is to come. With all the good, the enemy continues to throw all the bad my way. I keep knocking it down with my faith in our Creator.

I discuss my faith on here because it's very important to me and right now it's what I depend on to get through these difficult times. There's not a day that goes by that I do not link what's happening in my life with God's grace. I express it through my words to shred some light on my issues and maybe to help someone else get through their own struggles.

I'm in a good mood despite all the hardships going on right now. I guess the good mood has a lot to do about feeling protected by my heavenly Father. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

I love you all. You're all precious to me.

God's Time

I've been having a heck of a time these past few weeks finding a solid job with some security. The job interview that I'm supposed to have on Saturday leaves me with an odd feeling. I found it on craigslist and the guy posted a new position the other day that look very similiar but some things were changed. And that's the weird part, it's a guy. He hasn't mentioned the baby or his wife. So I emailed him yesterday and told him that because of the shady stories I've heard about craigslist, I wanted to meet him in a public place like Starbucks. I still have yet to hear back from him. Like Pastor Dave says, "If you don't know...don't go." I'm having a weird yellow light in my spirit about it. It could be some creeper trying to meet a nice girl by offering her a fake nanny job.

So I called my nanny agency this morning and they are sending my newly updated portfolio to a family in University City. It sounds great to me. $500/week, paid vacation and holidays, and I get out early on Fridays at 3pm. I don't know...I'm wondering why this search has been so difficult for me. The longer it takes me to find a job, the longer I won't be moving out to LA. I wake up every morning thinking about this when I know I should be praising God for His glory even if I can't see it. "Lead by faith, not sight" Pastor Dave says. It's not like I haven't been doing the work. I apply for at least 2-3 jobs a day. That's a lot of jobs for the past month and a half! But honestly, I think God is trying to teach me patience and discipline. And probably gratitude. Every glory should be praised to Him, not myself for finding a job. I'm so used to controlling everything. I am very organized and my OCD kicks in from time to time and I've always managed to have many successes in my life. For the first time in my life when someone asks me what I'm up to, I get embarrassed because I am not as successful as usual. I don't have some grand thing to talk about. Being unemployed isn't the big impressive thing I want to talk about after I just acheived a college degree. But I suppose that is God teaching me humility. I've always had such confidence in myself. And I still do, but God wants me to be confidently humble. If that makes any sense.

The one thing that I've still been holding onto and really need to surrender to God is when I will move. At first I said, "It'll happen when God wants it to happen." And then when I found that last job in Ladue, I put a date back on it. I think God is shaking my life to wake me up and STOP CONTROLING EVERYTHING! So yeah, if I get this nanny job with my agency, I have to give them at least a year committment. That means if I don't get the job until the end of this month, I won't be headed to LA until Nov or Dec 2009. A part of me is going "AN ENTIRE YEAR FROM NOW...WHAT?!" That's the driven side of me that wants this career to happen. But then the obedient Christian is saying "When it's God's time, it's GOD'S TIME!" And as each day passes, I see why staying is the better choice...I met so many people at church the other night and one of them asked me for my number. I got invited to a weekend youth conference in FL in January and I'm going! I talked to the lady in charge of it and I'm giving her my money on Sunday to secure a spot. It's only like $150 to go and it pays for everything..including a house on the beach! If I was moving in January, I couldn't go to this thing. God is so specific isn't He?! :)

I'm getting more involved in the drama ministry at church. I helped with a skit on our big "Country Sunday" and the woman in charge of the Xmas program told me that I don't even have to audition because they already want to give me a part and most of the material is gonna be filmed! That's exciting!

I'm feeling called to help in the nursery. I think I've been going there long enough that I don't need to sit in the sanctuary to get the message. They desperately need help and I think I need to serve where there is need.

Brighton Beach is going well. I keep getting really good comments from the director, so that's good. The indie movie doesn't shoot my scenes until November or December, but when we do, I'll so be ready! I'm auditioning on Sunday for Webster's student film season. It's just like a giant casting call for all of the directors to pick out their actors. Hopefully I'll get a chance to do a couple projects and get some stuff for a reel. I'll be around longer so I can build up my resume a little more. When it's God, it's effortless. I'm so excited for it to finally be a little bit easier because this whole trying to control it all on my own has been tough!

Feeling torn between past and present

I always thought that when someone changes, a piece of their past goes away... never to return, but I realized last night that even within one person, a battle between two selves can occur. The battle was between one's past self and one's present self. Although my mind was dwelling in the past last night, I had to force my body to keep moving forward. This whole situation played out in an actual event while I could have chosen to literally turn my car around and confront a person from my past. But I kept driving because I allowed God to take the wheel. I gave Him the pen for my love story along time ago and I couldn't rip it from His hands just to chase something that has already past. This wasn't all just strictly about my past, but a past LOVE. Even more specifically, a past FORBIDDEN love. I am not ashamed of my life experiences because they all happened for a reason and the Lord turned all the evil into good. Because of my relationship with God, I can now see the good in it.

But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.

The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.

After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.

The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!

So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.

I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!

Peace, Joy, & Love.

:)

Complete Honesty.

So you know how I like to be the strong, single woman with every intention to make something of herself? You know, Miss Independent who loves her singlehood?

Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.

The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.

I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.

But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.

I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.

I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.

Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.

I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.

Peace, Joy, & Love.