Last week was rough.
Rough mentally, spiritually, physically.
Just plain rough.
The week started off great: Paul and I BOTH got off of work early and got some amazing quality time together. Just being goofy with each other and loving every minute!
But then Tuesday hit. Ugh. Traffic was horrible going into work and leaving. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Paul was already home and because of a stupid bill that I wasn't expecting, I got upset and fast. I wanted to do nothing but run. Physically run. So before I could even greet Paul, I rushed to put on my work out clothes and get ready to run through the tears. Didn't know why I was so upset. It wasn't my hormones. I just was burn out I guess.
And then when I thought things would get better because it was a new day, a trainwreck happened mid-movie time with Paul Wednesday night.
You see, there's a time in my life that Paul knows little about. He's heard stories, mostly negative (because I was bitter), and seen pictures. But his opinion of this time in my life is solely based on those things because he didn't know me at this time in my life. It's hard for my re-newed mind to grasp things of my past. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't fit any more. I found out that a local theatre company is producing a favorite show of mine (a show that I've done before) and I freaked! Something deep down inside me wanted this opportunity again. I knew from experience, Paul has a hard time understanding this part of my life. So I bi-passed him and called my mom. Bad call, but I wanted validation! I was going to do this show even if it cost me precious time with Paul!
I was getting myself deeper in a big ol' mess and I didn't seem to see it!
I see it now.
I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how my decision would affect someone else's life. We barely get to see each other as it is. I said some hurtful things to him as I was fighting to hold onto MY wants and MY desires. Also, I was comparing a person to a thing. God blessed me with a relationship...a MARRIAGE...something I never had when I did theatre. Mostly because it's hard to balance them at the same time and still come out with a healthy marriage and feel satisfied in other aspects of your life because they take SO MUCH TIME. I look back on it now and see how I let shows fill a void in my heart. I sought out happiness from something that could only bring me that for a short period of time. Happiness is temporary because it is based on what HAPPENS. Joy is something that exists inside you and you can't explain why you are so blessed or full of life. I used my hyper-involvement in theatre as a means for an escape from my pain and loneliness. I'm not lonely or hurting any longer. Praise God!
To ignore the talents God gave me would be a sin, but I have yet to stop using them since I've stopped performing in plays and musicals. I've done numerous dramas and I am one of praise team members at Faith Church! My feet have yet to leave the stage. God never took it away from me. He just shut some doors that He knew weren't good for me anymore. He shut the door to my involvement in theatre by decreasing my passion for it. And for some, that would be a horrible thing. But for me, it needed to happen. I was so obsessed with it, that I didn't have time for God or anyone or anything else. And let's not forget about my PRIDE issue. Whew, I was full of myself...
I figured if God wants me to go back to the secular stage, He will make it blatantly obvious. I thought that this last interest was it, but that was based on past experiences and it ended up creating a wall between Paul and I. How could I allow that to happen to the biggest blessing God has given me?
I can't and I won't.
So God has been dealing with me about selfishness. I found an article on Boundless.org (a Focus on the Family website) entitled "The Shock to Our Selfishness" by Heather Koerner. Heather writes about how the shock to our selfishness is initiated by marriage itself. God is asking us to put aside our needs and wants to make room to focuse on others' needs/wants. The blessing that comes from that kind of lifestyle is amazing.
Still workin' on it...
Peace&Love.
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Enjoying the time in between.
When we have goals that we are striving to reach, the hardest part is the time in between. The waiting can sometimes drive us crazy and we seem to be moving so slowly towards our destination.
But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!
Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.
So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.
But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!
Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.
Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.
But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!
Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.
So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.
But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!
Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.
Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
CrAzY FAVOR IN 2010!
Last night's message hit me hard. Our pastor, Pastor Dave, and his wife Nicole are currently visting Joel Osteen's church, Lakewood Church in Houston. They've been asked to represent Lakewood as a sister church in the midwest. Pretty big stuff! They both hung out with Joel all day and toured all the in's and out's of Lakewood. They filmed promos for this new branch in his ministry and grew together in fellowship. 
So while our pastors were in Texas, we had a great man of God speak into our lives last night at Faith Church's Tuesday night's service. Dennis Hammond's word was compelling and full of hope for the Body of Christ. He spoke about the amazing favor God's people are about to experience in this year...this DECADE! It's going to be ridiculous! And I believe it! God's people are going to see so much favor and blessing around them they won't know what to do with it! Checks are in the mail, promotions are coming, the right connections, the right jobs, the right spouses...they are on their way to those who believe!
So as I was chewing on this great word last night, my attention was brought to the favor I have already found in my life so far in 2010! Our tax return alone (seriously not bragging guys, just showing you how amazing God is) was jaw dropping and even left Paul's parents were scratching their heads. And aside from my student loan debt (which I pay more than the minimum payment every month), Paul and I have have lessened our debt below $300, we paid off 3 of his credit cards, 1 of mine, and now are working on 2 of mine which are both fairly low. And then yesterday I got our car insurance policy for the new term in the mail and they lowered the monthly payment by almost $60 for no reason! So with that and Paul's credit card bills gone, we are saving well over $100 every month. That's more money that we can give and more money to help us for various things that pop up. But when I see the greatest favor, I don't think of money or finances, but love.
How can I now be in awe of what God brought into my life? Although Paul and I have been together since 2008, things have seemed more honest, truthful, and passionate between us since we got married. Our love has reach a different level that I can't find the words to describe. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I ALWAYS have someone to pick me up at the end of a crappy day and he's always finding different ways to make me laugh. :)
I was talking to a friend's mom the other night at church at how I can't get over the change God is making in my life. And how much happier I am than most of my friends who are searching for some type of validation from the world. You don't need some random stranger to tell you you are talented or beautiful! Just believe it because God says you are! He LOVES you!!!!
Anyway, because of all the crappy relationships in my past, I can see that favor because God brought Paul into my life. It's perfect. I know we'll have our hard times down the road, but if anything, I think it's gotten easier since we got married. We fought more in the beginning (probably because I was in the midst of a heart change and was resisting it big time). But things are great and I'm so happy with where life is. Not to mention that God is STILL letting me be on stage and sing my heart out. I love it. Favor with that: one of 6 people selected from about 15 plus singers to perform at the Israel Houghton concert on Friday!!! Soooo.....EXCITEd!!!
Also SUPER SUPER SUPER happy for my friend Kelly who discovered her soulmate Josh a few weeks ago. I've known Kelly since we were 5. We grew up in the same church, played in band together, went through the same school system, and graduated together from Wesclin in 2004. Josh is a sweetheart to her and I'm so excited for the both of them. :)
So as I was chewing on this great word last night, my attention was brought to the favor I have already found in my life so far in 2010! Our tax return alone (seriously not bragging guys, just showing you how amazing God is) was jaw dropping and even left Paul's parents were scratching their heads. And aside from my student loan debt (which I pay more than the minimum payment every month), Paul and I have have lessened our debt below $300, we paid off 3 of his credit cards, 1 of mine, and now are working on 2 of mine which are both fairly low. And then yesterday I got our car insurance policy for the new term in the mail and they lowered the monthly payment by almost $60 for no reason! So with that and Paul's credit card bills gone, we are saving well over $100 every month. That's more money that we can give and more money to help us for various things that pop up. But when I see the greatest favor, I don't think of money or finances, but love.
How can I now be in awe of what God brought into my life? Although Paul and I have been together since 2008, things have seemed more honest, truthful, and passionate between us since we got married. Our love has reach a different level that I can't find the words to describe. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I ALWAYS have someone to pick me up at the end of a crappy day and he's always finding different ways to make me laugh. :)
I was talking to a friend's mom the other night at church at how I can't get over the change God is making in my life. And how much happier I am than most of my friends who are searching for some type of validation from the world. You don't need some random stranger to tell you you are talented or beautiful! Just believe it because God says you are! He LOVES you!!!!
Anyway, because of all the crappy relationships in my past, I can see that favor because God brought Paul into my life. It's perfect. I know we'll have our hard times down the road, but if anything, I think it's gotten easier since we got married. We fought more in the beginning (probably because I was in the midst of a heart change and was resisting it big time). But things are great and I'm so happy with where life is. Not to mention that God is STILL letting me be on stage and sing my heart out. I love it. Favor with that: one of 6 people selected from about 15 plus singers to perform at the Israel Houghton concert on Friday!!! Soooo.....EXCITEd!!!
Also SUPER SUPER SUPER happy for my friend Kelly who discovered her soulmate Josh a few weeks ago. I've known Kelly since we were 5. We grew up in the same church, played in band together, went through the same school system, and graduated together from Wesclin in 2004. Josh is a sweetheart to her and I'm so excited for the both of them. :)
Life is good.
Peace&Love.
Peace&Love.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wants and desires gone astray
It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.
This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.
I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?
So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.
Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.
So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).
There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.
For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.
So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!
Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.
This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.
I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?
So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.
Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.
So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).
There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.
For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.
So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!
Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Out on a limb.
A couple months ago I came across an old close friend's twitter account page. This "old friend" blocked me out of their life in all areas socially. We live about 1200 miles away from each other so there was already physical distance between us. But the last time we spoke was back in early June 2008. He just stopped calling and stopped answering my texts and phonecalls. Then all of a sudden I was off of his top friends on myspace (this was a huge deal back then, lol) then deleted from myspace, then deleted from facebook. He never responded to messages or emails and I even went out on a limb and mailed him a handwritten letter. But he had basically fallen off the face of the earth. This hurt my heart so much because we spent so much of our time talking to each other. I remember calling him every night straight for 9 or so months. I even spent extra loan money on a trip to visit him to see him in person for the first time in over 2 years.
We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)
So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.
So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?
I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.
Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.
Peace & Love.
We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)
So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.
So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?
I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.
Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.
Peace & Love.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
A place called "there."
I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?
For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."
And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...
My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...
My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!
Another area that needs working...
My mind.
I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.
I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.
This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.
Have a blessed weekend my friends.
Peace & Love.
For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."
And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...
My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...
My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!
Another area that needs working...
My mind.
I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.
I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.
This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.
Have a blessed weekend my friends.
Peace & Love.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
When did I grow up?
I stayed home today because my body was screaming at me to do so. I've been running myself ragged for over a month and my immune system is definitely showing it. But it was nice to get a chance to sleep in, clean my messy room, put away laundry that has been sitting for a week, and do some ironing. *Sigh*
Sometimes I wonder whose life I'm leading since it's changed so drastically in one year. Can you believe that one year ago I was getting ready to graduate college? I can't. It seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I'm now getting ready for marriage. It's weird how life works. You get used to something for a few years and then suddenly, your life takes a turn and you're older. Most people, like me, are in gradeschool for 6-7 years, then junior high for 2-3 years, high school for 4 years, and then college for 4-6, and some people continue schooling for 2-5 more years after that. Each time you reach a new level of education, your environment changes, your mindset changes. And each time, you have to get used to the person you are becoming.
I've noticed over and over again that I am not the Emily of a year ago. God did some MAJOR changes to my heart and mind this year and oddly enough, it began shortly after I escaped the grip of education. I no longer could look to the instituation of education to define me. I wasn't a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior any more. I wasn't a cheerleader, band-o, SETO officer, or theatre major. I eventually started to lose the title of "actress" as well. I had to learn how to be Emily Rose. Just me. And let me tell you....it's hard to find yourself when you have been told who you are by someone else your whole life. I'm reminded of the labeling every single time I log onto facebook and I'm bombarded by people from my past. Pictures, stories of cast-parties, and people complaining about writing papers and freaking out about projects that are due. I work now. Yep. I spend my days working in an office, in front of a computer and answering phones. A job I NEVER thought I would be good at, let alone enjoy. But I do and that weirds me out to no end! :) I also spend my nights volunteering at church. Performing silly skits for the kids in the Kids of Faith Ministry and singing with the youth band, Innerlight. And in between work and church, I spend time with my best friend, my fiance, Paul.
I have come to a place where it's okay that I don't have a million friends that I spend all my time with. I'm completely content with what and who God has given me to play out my days. My life is simple, yet it keeps me busy. I am who I am and I wouldn't ever want to change that.
*Sigh* I'm not really sure what this blog was about, but I know that every time I catch a glimpse of my past on facebook, I feel the need to announce the change that has entered my life. I don't party anymore, I don't really act in plays or musicals (or even have the desire...which is REALLY weird), I don't really enjoy watching plays anymore either (I don't know why that is either). I have reached another level of life called ADULTHOOD.
But I'm left wondering...when did I grow up?
Sometimes I wonder whose life I'm leading since it's changed so drastically in one year. Can you believe that one year ago I was getting ready to graduate college? I can't. It seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I'm now getting ready for marriage. It's weird how life works. You get used to something for a few years and then suddenly, your life takes a turn and you're older. Most people, like me, are in gradeschool for 6-7 years, then junior high for 2-3 years, high school for 4 years, and then college for 4-6, and some people continue schooling for 2-5 more years after that. Each time you reach a new level of education, your environment changes, your mindset changes. And each time, you have to get used to the person you are becoming.
I've noticed over and over again that I am not the Emily of a year ago. God did some MAJOR changes to my heart and mind this year and oddly enough, it began shortly after I escaped the grip of education. I no longer could look to the instituation of education to define me. I wasn't a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior any more. I wasn't a cheerleader, band-o, SETO officer, or theatre major. I eventually started to lose the title of "actress" as well. I had to learn how to be Emily Rose. Just me. And let me tell you....it's hard to find yourself when you have been told who you are by someone else your whole life. I'm reminded of the labeling every single time I log onto facebook and I'm bombarded by people from my past. Pictures, stories of cast-parties, and people complaining about writing papers and freaking out about projects that are due. I work now. Yep. I spend my days working in an office, in front of a computer and answering phones. A job I NEVER thought I would be good at, let alone enjoy. But I do and that weirds me out to no end! :) I also spend my nights volunteering at church. Performing silly skits for the kids in the Kids of Faith Ministry and singing with the youth band, Innerlight. And in between work and church, I spend time with my best friend, my fiance, Paul.
I have come to a place where it's okay that I don't have a million friends that I spend all my time with. I'm completely content with what and who God has given me to play out my days. My life is simple, yet it keeps me busy. I am who I am and I wouldn't ever want to change that.
*Sigh* I'm not really sure what this blog was about, but I know that every time I catch a glimpse of my past on facebook, I feel the need to announce the change that has entered my life. I don't party anymore, I don't really act in plays or musicals (or even have the desire...which is REALLY weird), I don't really enjoy watching plays anymore either (I don't know why that is either). I have reached another level of life called ADULTHOOD.
But I'm left wondering...when did I grow up?
Monday, February 2, 2009
My heart's in a funny place right now.
Have you ever stared at your destiny right in the face? I did this weekend.
I would be in Los Angeles, CA today, but God intervined. My dear friend Ana moved there yesterday to pursue her dreams and I'm so proud of her.
I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help myself. I will miss her deeply.
I would be in Los Angeles, CA today, but God intervined. My dear friend Ana moved there yesterday to pursue her dreams and I'm so proud of her.
I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help myself. I will miss her deeply.
May God keep her safe and full of peace and joy.
I was SUPPOSED to go with her. I was SUPPOSED to be an actress on the west coast. I was SUPPOSED to be single and an independent career woman. But like I said before, God intervined. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I just have a place in my heart that is soft and in awe of God's work in my life.
If you want to see evidence of change, read my blogs from early September. I"m continuously getting used to me. My mom understood probably more than anyone in my life when I came to her the other night with my confusion. "It was a fast change. It happened so quickly," she said. And it did. This wasn't years of work, this was a mere matter of months for my heart to change like it did. And I'm completely left with my mouth gaping open.
I'm not sad right now. I'm just longing to be held by my amazing fiance. When I'm away from him, all I can do is think of when we will be together again. You see, that was MY dream long before acting came into the picture. A dream of having a family. A dream of falling love with the man of my dreams. Praise God for making this dream a reality for me!
On the good news list this week:
***There is a possibility I might have a job soon! It's at an orthodic (they sell orthopedics for people's shoes and whatnot) Dr. office in St. Louis where I would be working as a receptionist there. Scheduling appointments, answering phones, and talking to other Dr. offices. Keep me in your prayers. This job would offer me benefits and great pay. AND I'd get to work with adults! Something I have no idea about.
I really just wanted something to keep me busy while I'm awaiting marriage. I'm usually busy at night, but during the day, I'm ready to go crazy. It's been 2 months of this. And I'm ready for a change of pace...PLEASE!
It's funny because the wedding is pretty much already planned. Just the matter of paying for things and buying things. But the money isn't just going to come as soon as I snap my fingers. It's still gonna take a little while. *sigh*
That's about it. Just taking it one day at a time and getting used to the changes that come.
Peace & Love.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Change is inevitable.
I've been dealing with change more frequently and more intensely than most people my age. But it's something that I have had to deal with since I was very little. Most of the changes that happened were the same as many of my friends dealt with and I had people to talk to because I wasn't alone in the situation: births, divorce, deaths, moving, maturing, dating, money problems, breakups...
But some changes were on a much larger scale and I had very few people in my life who knew how to relate to exactly what I was going through: nauseating family tension, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, moving so much that I never had a secure "home" for longer than 1 year, forbidden love affairs, betrayal, one-night stands, bankruptcy, and yes, even murder of a loved one.
But even as those changes flowed through my life, one thing remained constant: GOD's hand in my life holding me safely. My faith may have had many ups and downs throughout my life, but I always new God was there. Even when I was the most miserable person to be a round for 2 weeks out of every month, God still loved me and sent the right people who could handle my anxiety and PMDD mood swings. (Praise God that those aren't as strong as they used to be!)
I know some of you are wondering what happened to your friend, Emily. She put her friends at the top of the list, she liked to party occassionally, she liked going out boozing, she liked having a good time! Well, at least one of those 4 things are true still. I LOVE HAVING A GOOD TIME, but there are people in my life now that I now choose to put at the top of my list that haven't seen much of me over the past 4 years or in some cases even more than that: my family, my church, and the love of my life, Paul. My friends will always have a very special place in my heart, but I don't spend as much time with them as I have in the past because other things need my attention now.
I used to spend every weekend with some folks, and now I barely talk to them or see them. I know that when you don't live very close to each other, it's much harder to stay in touch and it takes a stronger effort. I know I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. And I apologize to many of my dearest friends. I guess I'm just trying to get used to some of the changes that have happened to me over the course of the past 6 months. I'm not the same Emily you may have known a year ago, 4 years ago, or maybe even longer in some cases. I choose God over a lot of things. And some may think I'm a Jesus Freak or think it's taking over my life. But I tell you this: I have NEVER been so happy or full of joy in my entire life and I hope that you are happy for me. The goodness that you found in me is still here and is stronger than ever. I've changed, but it's for the better, TRUST ME.
I don't know if you will ever know how much I love each and every one of you who have entered my life at any single moment. From my infamous birthday parties/slumber parties in gradeschool to Junior High Cheerleading to Trenton FUMC Youth Group to WHS Marching Band to SLU to Hard Road to SIUE & Summer Showbiz shows (My Jimmy Dean Girls, Chorus Line underwear and candle party/hide and seek, My cheese-tastic DHSM experience, Ah-mazing Big Love and Every Angel casts) to crazy cast and Halloween parties to wonderfully unique roommates to SETO Formals to Showtunes Tuesdays and Grey Fox to Faith Church St. Louis...they ALL mean the world to me and I love every one of those memories with you all. We don't have to be best friends for me to tell you that or let you know that I hold you close to my heart. If any of you think I hate you or are angry with you for any reason, you are terribly mistaken. I never stop thinking about any of you. Not a single one of you.
I just wanted to let you know that I may come across as different because my faith has become the center of my life and I'd rather spend my time at church functions than anywhere else in the world. Faith Church has become my home and it is where I feel the most at peace. If it wasn't for that church, I would have never met Paul and probably would have continued searching for love in all of the wrong places. That church brings me peace and joy and in turn I bring that peace and joy into the rest of my life. I may not enjoy boozing or partying as much as I used to, but I still have the same sense of humor and enjoy shaking my booty. That will never change. :)
Just know that I love you all and that I am extremely happy with where my life is headed. I'm in love with the man of my dreams and cannot wait to see what lies ahead for both of us.
But some changes were on a much larger scale and I had very few people in my life who knew how to relate to exactly what I was going through: nauseating family tension, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, moving so much that I never had a secure "home" for longer than 1 year, forbidden love affairs, betrayal, one-night stands, bankruptcy, and yes, even murder of a loved one.
But even as those changes flowed through my life, one thing remained constant: GOD's hand in my life holding me safely. My faith may have had many ups and downs throughout my life, but I always new God was there. Even when I was the most miserable person to be a round for 2 weeks out of every month, God still loved me and sent the right people who could handle my anxiety and PMDD mood swings. (Praise God that those aren't as strong as they used to be!)
I know some of you are wondering what happened to your friend, Emily. She put her friends at the top of the list, she liked to party occassionally, she liked going out boozing, she liked having a good time! Well, at least one of those 4 things are true still. I LOVE HAVING A GOOD TIME, but there are people in my life now that I now choose to put at the top of my list that haven't seen much of me over the past 4 years or in some cases even more than that: my family, my church, and the love of my life, Paul. My friends will always have a very special place in my heart, but I don't spend as much time with them as I have in the past because other things need my attention now.
I used to spend every weekend with some folks, and now I barely talk to them or see them. I know that when you don't live very close to each other, it's much harder to stay in touch and it takes a stronger effort. I know I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. And I apologize to many of my dearest friends. I guess I'm just trying to get used to some of the changes that have happened to me over the course of the past 6 months. I'm not the same Emily you may have known a year ago, 4 years ago, or maybe even longer in some cases. I choose God over a lot of things. And some may think I'm a Jesus Freak or think it's taking over my life. But I tell you this: I have NEVER been so happy or full of joy in my entire life and I hope that you are happy for me. The goodness that you found in me is still here and is stronger than ever. I've changed, but it's for the better, TRUST ME.
I don't know if you will ever know how much I love each and every one of you who have entered my life at any single moment. From my infamous birthday parties/slumber parties in gradeschool to Junior High Cheerleading to Trenton FUMC Youth Group to WHS Marching Band to SLU to Hard Road to SIUE & Summer Showbiz shows (My Jimmy Dean Girls, Chorus Line underwear and candle party/hide and seek, My cheese-tastic DHSM experience, Ah-mazing Big Love and Every Angel casts) to crazy cast and Halloween parties to wonderfully unique roommates to SETO Formals to Showtunes Tuesdays and Grey Fox to Faith Church St. Louis...they ALL mean the world to me and I love every one of those memories with you all. We don't have to be best friends for me to tell you that or let you know that I hold you close to my heart. If any of you think I hate you or are angry with you for any reason, you are terribly mistaken. I never stop thinking about any of you. Not a single one of you.
I just wanted to let you know that I may come across as different because my faith has become the center of my life and I'd rather spend my time at church functions than anywhere else in the world. Faith Church has become my home and it is where I feel the most at peace. If it wasn't for that church, I would have never met Paul and probably would have continued searching for love in all of the wrong places. That church brings me peace and joy and in turn I bring that peace and joy into the rest of my life. I may not enjoy boozing or partying as much as I used to, but I still have the same sense of humor and enjoy shaking my booty. That will never change. :)
Just know that I love you all and that I am extremely happy with where my life is headed. I'm in love with the man of my dreams and cannot wait to see what lies ahead for both of us.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers...all of you!
Peace & Love.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Feeling torn between past and present
I always thought that when someone changes, a piece of their past goes away... never to return, but I realized last night that even within one person, a battle between two selves can occur. The battle was between one's past self and one's present self. Although my mind was dwelling in the past last night, I had to force my body to keep moving forward. This whole situation played out in an actual event while I could have chosen to literally turn my car around and confront a person from my past. But I kept driving because I allowed God to take the wheel. I gave Him the pen for my love story along time ago and I couldn't rip it from His hands just to chase something that has already past. This wasn't all just strictly about my past, but a past LOVE. Even more specifically, a past FORBIDDEN love. I am not ashamed of my life experiences because they all happened for a reason and the Lord turned all the evil into good. Because of my relationship with God, I can now see the good in it.
But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.
The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.
After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.
The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!
So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.
I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!
Peace, Joy, & Love.
:)
But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.
The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.
After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.
The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!
So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.
I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!
Peace, Joy, & Love.
:)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Complete Honesty.
So you know how I like to be the strong, single woman with every intention to make something of herself? You know, Miss Independent who loves her singlehood?
Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.
The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.
I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.
But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.
I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.
I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.
Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.
I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.
Peace, Joy, & Love.
Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.
The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.
I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.
But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.
I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.
I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.
Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.
I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.
Peace, Joy, & Love.
Monday, September 8, 2008
So long darkness, hello light!
The phrase, "It's always the darkest just before the dawn" has been a supportive mantra in my life these past few months. I had been telling that to my friends all the time as I tried to help them through life's struggles and pain. But I guess because of my optimistic nature, I never noticed that this phrase held very true to my own life.
When I look back on events since high school that have really impacted my life, I have to say that it has been a really loooooonnnnggg 3 years. Not negative of course, but I was most definitely struggling to find myself in college. And as I now know more than ever before, I tried to find myself in relationships with men. I was an optimistic person, but I don't think I was truly happy with myself and so I looked for whatever and whoever I could to bring me that happiness. And as I've come to realize, you really cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself. I didn't have low self-esteem or anything (I understood I was blessed with good looks, a sense of humor, intelligence, and confidence in my abilities and talents), but I had VERY low self-respect and self-understanding. I compromised my morals in hopes of finding a man that made me feel whole and happy. I now know the only true "man" that can make anyone feel whole and full of joy, peace, and love is Jesus. But this is something I had to learn for myself.
I woke up this morning after an amazing night and weekend in my thoughts, and this song was playing on my computer (I fall asleep listening to music...always have since I was very little).
"So Long" by Natalie Grant
Mystified by the struggle
To survive my own pride
Haunted by the demons
Of my past life
Who am I and why do I
Are questions that keep running
Through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin
A brand new me is comin' out,
Comin' out from within
[Chorus:]
So long
Farewell to my old self
Good-bye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
(I know that) I've been born again
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone
So longApathy, hunting me
Like some contagious disease
Hypocrisy hiding in the shadows
Of the former me
Doin' what comes naturally
I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to, ready to be free
[Repeat chorus]
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
[Repeat chorus]
I just had to smile because this, above all, was my theme song for what has been going on within me these past few months. All I could keep saying to everyone was "I don't feel like the same person anymore. I'm changing somehow for the better..." I didn't know what was going on. I just knew God was shaping my heart and preparing me for something great.
And as I grow and learn more and more to listen to my spirit moreso than my flesh, I begin to see these great blessings in the smallest of wonders. And because of that awareness, I see my old ways of thinking in other people that come into my life and realize that I am no longer who I used to be...through and through. I am no longer future-minded. Don't get me wrong, I still organize and plan my goals because I am a goal-oriented person, and to acheive goals, you MUST look ahead and ask what are the next steps I have to take to get from Point A to Point B? I can now honestly say, I have become PRESENT-MINDED for probably the very first time in my life. And because of that I no longer worry or let stress or high emotions rule my life and my thinking. I have become at peace with myself and my surroundings because I take it in as it comes...moment to moment, glory to glory. How wonderful it feels to be able to say that!
My decisions, thoughts, and behaviors are based on this present-mindedness and my relationships are affected by it completely for the better. And I realize that this change that has occurred isn't as accepted by people who are closed-minded and weary of my beliefs as it is by my true friends. Some people see my decision to stay in southern IL a bit longer instead of pursing my dream in LA as ridiculous. "Why does she keep post-poning it? If she keeps pushing it back, she's never going to move and she will be stuck here forever and never accomplish anything. She's just all talk...trying to build herself up and prove that she can make it...well she's not proving anything!" I heard them say that this weekend. Ouch. These "friends" who I spent several years with at SIUE, building relationships with my peers in the department, and they think it is their business to tell me if I'm going to accomplish anything or not? Based on what...time? If I change my plans on something, this means I'm never going to do it? Really? Wow. They obviously don't know me. :)
I'm passionate, driven, and determined. I have confidence and ambition and just because I don't do this now (because society's timeline and the business says so) it means I'm never going to reach my goal? Well, my friends, if it is God today, it's gonna be God tomorrow! God has planted this desire in my heart and my dreams WILL be acheived. But God has also asked me to use my gifts and talents here in St. Louis just a little longer (and as each day passes, I begin to see why). If I have patience and respect towards my Maker, He will make sure my dreams and goals come to pass. And my friends, God's time will never be our time. :)
So as long as I know that my decision feels right, those who love me will understand and respect that. And that is that.
But back to that phrase...
There was a point in time, sometime late in my junior year, where I began enjoying my own company and became comfortable with myself. And when that happened, my friendships blossomed and strengthened so much! I started to have best friends again...people who I could call anytime I needed to talk (this took a huge burden off of my mother's shoulders, lol). God sent me some true angels to help me get through the mess I had put myself in (and you all know who you are...I hope). While they were all busy building me up, I learned how to be Emily again, a new and improved Emily though. Of course my weakness with attention from men got the best of me and I took some side paths for awhile, but somehow I managed to get back on track. Little by little, I started regaining my faith (I always believed in God but He didn't cross my mind as often as He should have). And now I can say that I have never been this genuinely happy in my entire life! I've been able to say that for about 6 months now and even more intensely, the past 3. I am full of peace, love, and joy. My angels helped build me up, but I wasn't able to stand on my own until Faith Church came into my life. Now I see myself becoming an angel to others. I can now selflessly give back to others what they gave to me. And God gives me the words to help calm their hearts and minds. He has changed my vision. I no longer have blinders on.
This change needed to happen to give me a clean slate. I speak of my past often not to carry around my baggage, but to use those experiences as inspiration and motivation for myself and others to see how far I've come. These past few weeks have been intense and trying on my spirit, but I kept my chin up and didn't give up. God would provide. God will make a way. Everything will work out eventually. Stay optimistic and take it one step at a time. I did all of this and I'm happy that I did. And last weekend was an experience that challenged all that I had worked for. I was tested several times. I did not give into temptation when Mr. Suave LA actor called for a "good time in the hot-tub," in fact, I didn't even call him back for a simple lunch because I felt a warning in my spirit. I did not give into my old ways even when a man (whom I felt a deep human connection with, but he had a troubled and complicated soul and a long-term girlfriend to match) randomly entered my life. I stayed strong and leaned on God for that strength. Yes, I was tested...and I PASSED!
You just have to learn to patiently take it one day at a time. Hold on through those dark times because your dawn is just around the corner.
I love you all.
Peace, Joy, and Love always.
When I look back on events since high school that have really impacted my life, I have to say that it has been a really loooooonnnnggg 3 years. Not negative of course, but I was most definitely struggling to find myself in college. And as I now know more than ever before, I tried to find myself in relationships with men. I was an optimistic person, but I don't think I was truly happy with myself and so I looked for whatever and whoever I could to bring me that happiness. And as I've come to realize, you really cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself. I didn't have low self-esteem or anything (I understood I was blessed with good looks, a sense of humor, intelligence, and confidence in my abilities and talents), but I had VERY low self-respect and self-understanding. I compromised my morals in hopes of finding a man that made me feel whole and happy. I now know the only true "man" that can make anyone feel whole and full of joy, peace, and love is Jesus. But this is something I had to learn for myself.
I woke up this morning after an amazing night and weekend in my thoughts, and this song was playing on my computer (I fall asleep listening to music...always have since I was very little).
"So Long" by Natalie Grant
Mystified by the struggle
To survive my own pride
Haunted by the demons
Of my past life
Who am I and why do I
Are questions that keep running
Through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin
A brand new me is comin' out,
Comin' out from within
[Chorus:]
So long
Farewell to my old self
Good-bye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
(I know that) I've been born again
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone
So longApathy, hunting me
Like some contagious disease
Hypocrisy hiding in the shadows
Of the former me
Doin' what comes naturally
I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to, ready to be free
[Repeat chorus]
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
[Repeat chorus]
I just had to smile because this, above all, was my theme song for what has been going on within me these past few months. All I could keep saying to everyone was "I don't feel like the same person anymore. I'm changing somehow for the better..." I didn't know what was going on. I just knew God was shaping my heart and preparing me for something great.
And as I grow and learn more and more to listen to my spirit moreso than my flesh, I begin to see these great blessings in the smallest of wonders. And because of that awareness, I see my old ways of thinking in other people that come into my life and realize that I am no longer who I used to be...through and through. I am no longer future-minded. Don't get me wrong, I still organize and plan my goals because I am a goal-oriented person, and to acheive goals, you MUST look ahead and ask what are the next steps I have to take to get from Point A to Point B? I can now honestly say, I have become PRESENT-MINDED for probably the very first time in my life. And because of that I no longer worry or let stress or high emotions rule my life and my thinking. I have become at peace with myself and my surroundings because I take it in as it comes...moment to moment, glory to glory. How wonderful it feels to be able to say that!
My decisions, thoughts, and behaviors are based on this present-mindedness and my relationships are affected by it completely for the better. And I realize that this change that has occurred isn't as accepted by people who are closed-minded and weary of my beliefs as it is by my true friends. Some people see my decision to stay in southern IL a bit longer instead of pursing my dream in LA as ridiculous. "Why does she keep post-poning it? If she keeps pushing it back, she's never going to move and she will be stuck here forever and never accomplish anything. She's just all talk...trying to build herself up and prove that she can make it...well she's not proving anything!" I heard them say that this weekend. Ouch. These "friends" who I spent several years with at SIUE, building relationships with my peers in the department, and they think it is their business to tell me if I'm going to accomplish anything or not? Based on what...time? If I change my plans on something, this means I'm never going to do it? Really? Wow. They obviously don't know me. :)
I'm passionate, driven, and determined. I have confidence and ambition and just because I don't do this now (because society's timeline and the business says so) it means I'm never going to reach my goal? Well, my friends, if it is God today, it's gonna be God tomorrow! God has planted this desire in my heart and my dreams WILL be acheived. But God has also asked me to use my gifts and talents here in St. Louis just a little longer (and as each day passes, I begin to see why). If I have patience and respect towards my Maker, He will make sure my dreams and goals come to pass. And my friends, God's time will never be our time. :)
So as long as I know that my decision feels right, those who love me will understand and respect that. And that is that.
But back to that phrase...
There was a point in time, sometime late in my junior year, where I began enjoying my own company and became comfortable with myself. And when that happened, my friendships blossomed and strengthened so much! I started to have best friends again...people who I could call anytime I needed to talk (this took a huge burden off of my mother's shoulders, lol). God sent me some true angels to help me get through the mess I had put myself in (and you all know who you are...I hope). While they were all busy building me up, I learned how to be Emily again, a new and improved Emily though. Of course my weakness with attention from men got the best of me and I took some side paths for awhile, but somehow I managed to get back on track. Little by little, I started regaining my faith (I always believed in God but He didn't cross my mind as often as He should have). And now I can say that I have never been this genuinely happy in my entire life! I've been able to say that for about 6 months now and even more intensely, the past 3. I am full of peace, love, and joy. My angels helped build me up, but I wasn't able to stand on my own until Faith Church came into my life. Now I see myself becoming an angel to others. I can now selflessly give back to others what they gave to me. And God gives me the words to help calm their hearts and minds. He has changed my vision. I no longer have blinders on.
This change needed to happen to give me a clean slate. I speak of my past often not to carry around my baggage, but to use those experiences as inspiration and motivation for myself and others to see how far I've come. These past few weeks have been intense and trying on my spirit, but I kept my chin up and didn't give up. God would provide. God will make a way. Everything will work out eventually. Stay optimistic and take it one step at a time. I did all of this and I'm happy that I did. And last weekend was an experience that challenged all that I had worked for. I was tested several times. I did not give into temptation when Mr. Suave LA actor called for a "good time in the hot-tub," in fact, I didn't even call him back for a simple lunch because I felt a warning in my spirit. I did not give into my old ways even when a man (whom I felt a deep human connection with, but he had a troubled and complicated soul and a long-term girlfriend to match) randomly entered my life. I stayed strong and leaned on God for that strength. Yes, I was tested...and I PASSED!
You just have to learn to patiently take it one day at a time. Hold on through those dark times because your dawn is just around the corner.
I love you all.
Peace, Joy, and Love always.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Time for Reflection
I know, above all, that I am geniunely happy and full of joy. I also know that I have a wonderful relationship with God. But how do I deal with the somber and still times when all I want is someone to lie in the grass and talk to for hours? Or bring back those connections that I had that have slipped through my fingers?
I have 3 men in my life that I have had various connections with through the years and all 3 of those men have stopped talking to me. 1 has moved away (without saying goodbye), one never returns my calls or texts, and one deleted me from both myspace and facebook, and never returned my messages or my hand-written letter for absolutely no reason than getting angry that I expressed my feelings. And I honestly miss them so much. I am supposed to love them from afar, but that is so much to ask of one person.
I'm dealing with my worldly obligations and trying to find peace in it all. I do know that I have amazing friends that surround my life. Praise God for that. Hmm...yes...
So where do I go from here? Continue to live milo-second by milo-second and praise God during the tough times and the easy times and all the gray in between? I believe so. *Sigh* So here is to the bland and the boring. They will all add up to something great very soon.
I have 3 men in my life that I have had various connections with through the years and all 3 of those men have stopped talking to me. 1 has moved away (without saying goodbye), one never returns my calls or texts, and one deleted me from both myspace and facebook, and never returned my messages or my hand-written letter for absolutely no reason than getting angry that I expressed my feelings. And I honestly miss them so much. I am supposed to love them from afar, but that is so much to ask of one person.
I'm dealing with my worldly obligations and trying to find peace in it all. I do know that I have amazing friends that surround my life. Praise God for that. Hmm...yes...
So where do I go from here? Continue to live milo-second by milo-second and praise God during the tough times and the easy times and all the gray in between? I believe so. *Sigh* So here is to the bland and the boring. They will all add up to something great very soon.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Letting go to meet again...
This morning would probably be one of those mornings in my life that would cause me a great amount of stress and anxiety. But not this time. You see, I had to get ready to attend my Great Aunt's funeral...an event that most people dread. I wasn't jumping for joy to go, but I was at peace. I was calm and comfortably uncomfortable when I arrived at the funeral home.
It was nice to see people I haven't seen in years and to look at pictures of Telle (pronounced Tell-ee...don't ask why we called her that, her real name is Eleanor...)and her siblings, including my grandma. I was holding on pretty well until we started singing. I normally can get through church hymns if I just sing the words and not think about what I'm actually singing. I couldn't do it. Old Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace just hit me for some reason. When the service was over I started to cry even more because I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. I walked to the bathroom and stood in the stall and balled my eyes out. I wasn't greiving Telle's death (I did feel for that too) but I was greiving my grandma's death. Over 5 years have passed since my grandma went home to be with the Lord, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I calmed down a little and my mom could tell that I was upset. I hugged her and said, "I miss grandma" like I was 5 years old again. I never let go of her death. I never really ever dealt with it at all. I repressed all the feelings and hid in my relationship with Robby. The night she died, I spent time with his family instead of my own because I was running away from it. I didn't want to think about it because I didn't want to deal with it.
I remember thinking as I stood in the bathroom stall, "I'm not scared of death. In a way, I WANT to get to heaven so I can be with all of my family that I have lost." And maybe that is a reason I was crying so hard. I wasn't scared of my life ending. Not that I WANT it to end today...no, that's not the point. The point is, if the Lord had to take my life, I would be okay with His decision. But I know God has so much in store for me before it's my time. I don't know, it was just a weird observation I guess.
So from Earth I say "Welcome home, Aunt Telle. Say hello to grandma for me. We will meet again."
It was nice to see people I haven't seen in years and to look at pictures of Telle (pronounced Tell-ee...don't ask why we called her that, her real name is Eleanor...)and her siblings, including my grandma. I was holding on pretty well until we started singing. I normally can get through church hymns if I just sing the words and not think about what I'm actually singing. I couldn't do it. Old Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace just hit me for some reason. When the service was over I started to cry even more because I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. I walked to the bathroom and stood in the stall and balled my eyes out. I wasn't greiving Telle's death (I did feel for that too) but I was greiving my grandma's death. Over 5 years have passed since my grandma went home to be with the Lord, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I calmed down a little and my mom could tell that I was upset. I hugged her and said, "I miss grandma" like I was 5 years old again. I never let go of her death. I never really ever dealt with it at all. I repressed all the feelings and hid in my relationship with Robby. The night she died, I spent time with his family instead of my own because I was running away from it. I didn't want to think about it because I didn't want to deal with it.
I remember thinking as I stood in the bathroom stall, "I'm not scared of death. In a way, I WANT to get to heaven so I can be with all of my family that I have lost." And maybe that is a reason I was crying so hard. I wasn't scared of my life ending. Not that I WANT it to end today...no, that's not the point. The point is, if the Lord had to take my life, I would be okay with His decision. But I know God has so much in store for me before it's my time. I don't know, it was just a weird observation I guess.
So from Earth I say "Welcome home, Aunt Telle. Say hello to grandma for me. We will meet again."
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Where my heart lies.
I've been attending Faith Church St. Louis for a little over a month now. My mom found Pastor David on ABC 30 one night and told me about it. I would watch him online, but didn't think we would ever make the drive to St. Charles or Fenton, MO. We hopped in the car on July 6th and drove to the St. Charles Campus. The next week, my mom found herself driving to the Central Campus in Fenton and falling in love with the people there. As soon as my schedule opened up (once my shows were over), I was able to join her. I haven't missed a Sunday yet.
I must say that I've been "working on it" as Pastor David says, for the past 6 years (I was 16 years old when I asked Jesus to come into my heart). But in those 6 years, I lost my way several times and would come back to God only to find myself lost in the woods all over again. Once I began dating Nathan, and slowly closing the door on a forbidden love, I thought that God would finally give me my fairy tale life. After a year of probably one of the hardest relationships I have ever had, Nathan and I broke up officially, and we both discovered each other's acts of betrayal. And as usual, I continued to search for what it meant to be loved by an honest man. Needless to say, I have yet to find that honest love from a man on Earth...not even from my own dad. BUT, my heavenly father has shown me so much love and compassion, my heart is bursting with joy.
This past year has shown me so many new things. So many new self-discoveries: My mom is my best friend, my friends are amazing, and I can do anything that I set my mind to. God has given me a passionate heart to never give up on anything too easily. But it wasn't until May, that I completely let go of a lifestyle and a mindset that has had me by the throat for many years. Since I let go of the search for that honest man, God has planted a new seed in my heart. I no longer worry about a relationship with that honest man. I set my mind towards heaven. I ask what I can do for my fellow believers and non-believers. I ask, "Who can I bring with me to church this week?" I want others to experience this peace that I have been given. The Lord is good. Good is the Lord.
There are people who will try to take that peace from you. Do not falter. Stay strong and believe in Him. He will guide you through the fire.
Until next time...
In Peace.
I must say that I've been "working on it" as Pastor David says, for the past 6 years (I was 16 years old when I asked Jesus to come into my heart). But in those 6 years, I lost my way several times and would come back to God only to find myself lost in the woods all over again. Once I began dating Nathan, and slowly closing the door on a forbidden love, I thought that God would finally give me my fairy tale life. After a year of probably one of the hardest relationships I have ever had, Nathan and I broke up officially, and we both discovered each other's acts of betrayal. And as usual, I continued to search for what it meant to be loved by an honest man. Needless to say, I have yet to find that honest love from a man on Earth...not even from my own dad. BUT, my heavenly father has shown me so much love and compassion, my heart is bursting with joy.
This past year has shown me so many new things. So many new self-discoveries: My mom is my best friend, my friends are amazing, and I can do anything that I set my mind to. God has given me a passionate heart to never give up on anything too easily. But it wasn't until May, that I completely let go of a lifestyle and a mindset that has had me by the throat for many years. Since I let go of the search for that honest man, God has planted a new seed in my heart. I no longer worry about a relationship with that honest man. I set my mind towards heaven. I ask what I can do for my fellow believers and non-believers. I ask, "Who can I bring with me to church this week?" I want others to experience this peace that I have been given. The Lord is good. Good is the Lord.
There are people who will try to take that peace from you. Do not falter. Stay strong and believe in Him. He will guide you through the fire.
Until next time...
In Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)