The phrase, "It's always the darkest just before the dawn" has been a supportive mantra in my life these past few months. I had been telling that to my friends all the time as I tried to help them through life's struggles and pain. But I guess because of my optimistic nature, I never noticed that this phrase held very true to my own life.
When I look back on events since high school that have really impacted my life, I have to say that it has been a really loooooonnnnggg 3 years. Not negative of course, but I was most definitely struggling to find myself in college. And as I now know more than ever before, I tried to find myself in relationships with men. I was an optimistic person, but I don't think I was truly happy with myself and so I looked for whatever and whoever I could to bring me that happiness. And as I've come to realize, you really cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself. I didn't have low self-esteem or anything (I understood I was blessed with good looks, a sense of humor, intelligence, and confidence in my abilities and talents), but I had VERY low self-respect and self-understanding. I compromised my morals in hopes of finding a man that made me feel whole and happy. I now know the only true "man" that can make anyone feel whole and full of joy, peace, and love is Jesus. But this is something I had to learn for myself.
I woke up this morning after an amazing night and weekend in my thoughts, and this song was playing on my computer (I fall asleep listening to music...always have since I was very little).
"So Long" by Natalie Grant
Mystified by the struggle
To survive my own pride
Haunted by the demons
Of my past life
Who am I and why do I
Are questions that keep running
Through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin
A brand new me is comin' out,
Comin' out from within
[Chorus:]
So long
Farewell to my old self
Good-bye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
(I know that) I've been born again
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone
So longApathy, hunting me
Like some contagious disease
Hypocrisy hiding in the shadows
Of the former me
Doin' what comes naturally
I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to, ready to be free
[Repeat chorus]
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long
[Repeat chorus]
I just had to smile because this, above all, was my theme song for what has been going on within me these past few months. All I could keep saying to everyone was "I don't feel like the same person anymore. I'm changing somehow for the better..." I didn't know what was going on. I just knew God was shaping my heart and preparing me for something great.
And as I grow and learn more and more to listen to my spirit moreso than my flesh, I begin to see these great blessings in the smallest of wonders. And because of that awareness, I see my old ways of thinking in other people that come into my life and realize that I am no longer who I used to be...through and through. I am no longer future-minded. Don't get me wrong, I still organize and plan my goals because I am a goal-oriented person, and to acheive goals, you MUST look ahead and ask what are the next steps I have to take to get from Point A to Point B? I can now honestly say, I have become PRESENT-MINDED for probably the very first time in my life. And because of that I no longer worry or let stress or high emotions rule my life and my thinking. I have become at peace with myself and my surroundings because I take it in as it comes...moment to moment, glory to glory. How wonderful it feels to be able to say that!
My decisions, thoughts, and behaviors are based on this present-mindedness and my relationships are affected by it completely for the better. And I realize that this change that has occurred isn't as accepted by people who are closed-minded and weary of my beliefs as it is by my true friends. Some people see my decision to stay in southern IL a bit longer instead of pursing my dream in LA as ridiculous. "Why does she keep post-poning it? If she keeps pushing it back, she's never going to move and she will be stuck here forever and never accomplish anything. She's just all talk...trying to build herself up and prove that she can make it...well she's not proving anything!" I heard them say that this weekend. Ouch. These "friends" who I spent several years with at SIUE, building relationships with my peers in the department, and they think it is their business to tell me if I'm going to accomplish anything or not? Based on what...time? If I change my plans on something, this means I'm never going to do it? Really? Wow. They obviously don't know me. :)
I'm passionate, driven, and determined. I have confidence and ambition and just because I don't do this now (because society's timeline and the business says so) it means I'm never going to reach my goal? Well, my friends, if it is God today, it's gonna be God tomorrow! God has planted this desire in my heart and my dreams WILL be acheived. But God has also asked me to use my gifts and talents here in St. Louis just a little longer (and as each day passes, I begin to see why). If I have patience and respect towards my Maker, He will make sure my dreams and goals come to pass. And my friends, God's time will never be our time. :)
So as long as I know that my decision feels right, those who love me will understand and respect that. And that is that.
But back to that phrase...
There was a point in time, sometime late in my junior year, where I began enjoying my own company and became comfortable with myself. And when that happened, my friendships blossomed and strengthened so much! I started to have best friends again...people who I could call anytime I needed to talk (this took a huge burden off of my mother's shoulders, lol). God sent me some true angels to help me get through the mess I had put myself in (and you all know who you are...I hope). While they were all busy building me up, I learned how to be Emily again, a new and improved Emily though. Of course my weakness with attention from men got the best of me and I took some side paths for awhile, but somehow I managed to get back on track. Little by little, I started regaining my faith (I always believed in God but He didn't cross my mind as often as He should have). And now I can say that I have never been this genuinely happy in my entire life! I've been able to say that for about 6 months now and even more intensely, the past 3. I am full of peace, love, and joy. My angels helped build me up, but I wasn't able to stand on my own until Faith Church came into my life. Now I see myself becoming an angel to others. I can now selflessly give back to others what they gave to me. And God gives me the words to help calm their hearts and minds. He has changed my vision. I no longer have blinders on.
This change needed to happen to give me a clean slate. I speak of my past often not to carry around my baggage, but to use those experiences as inspiration and motivation for myself and others to see how far I've come. These past few weeks have been intense and trying on my spirit, but I kept my chin up and didn't give up. God would provide. God will make a way. Everything will work out eventually. Stay optimistic and take it one step at a time. I did all of this and I'm happy that I did. And last weekend was an experience that challenged all that I had worked for. I was tested several times. I did not give into temptation when Mr. Suave LA actor called for a "good time in the hot-tub," in fact, I didn't even call him back for a simple lunch because I felt a warning in my spirit. I did not give into my old ways even when a man (whom I felt a deep human connection with, but he had a troubled and complicated soul and a long-term girlfriend to match) randomly entered my life. I stayed strong and leaned on God for that strength. Yes, I was tested...and I PASSED!
You just have to learn to patiently take it one day at a time. Hold on through those dark times because your dawn is just around the corner.
I love you all.
Peace, Joy, and Love always.
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