The Call.

As Christians, we are called to walk on this earth as Jesus walked on this earth, and in an even greater way (see John 14:12). He came down from heaven, wrapped Himself in humanity, and left His thrown to bring His glory down so that all men may learn to walk as He did and help bring more people into His Kingdom. He died on the cross, took the keys to death, hell, and the grave, rose again, and ascended into heaven back to His thrown where is making constant intercession for us as our High Priest. But He didn’t leave us alone; He made sure that we had the same power that conquered the grave within us and gave us the Holy Spirit to help us walk as He did. In addition to being the Son of God, Jesus walked this earth as a Healer, as a Deliverer, as a Teacher, as a Servant King, as a Priest, as a Shepherd, and as a great Friend to all.

When we become born-again believers, we begin to feel a stirring within us to love Jesus and love people like He did. We are able to love because He first loved us, as 1 John 4:19 tells us in the Bible. In Him, everything is possible because He is love and love never fails.

Although I called upon the Lord Jesus as my personal Savior, acknowledging that He died on the cross to wash away my sins, when I was 16, I have really only been a serious and active born-again believer for the last five years of my life. I have been through a tremendous transformation over the course of those five years (you can learn more about that in my book The Vessel: From Marred to Honorable, which will hopefully be available in Winter 2014), and it was just within the last year that I truly started to understand my purpose and calling and how the Lord wanted me to walk out that purpose in the earth.

As believers, we all have the same calling, but many different talents and gifts that we can use to walk out that calling. We are all called to love the Lord God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength and love others as we want to be loved, not so that they can feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but so that they can meet the Man, Love Himself, face to face and come into a relationship with the Father through Him. When we acknowledge what Jesus did for us on the cross, He gives us the right to be called children of God. That means you are a son or a daughter of the Most High God! God loves family because He is the One who created it; He wants us all to be a part of His family not only here on earth but in heaven for eternity. Our job as Christians is to tell others about this awesome truth, even other Christians who may not know! The earth is longing for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed, meaning, we receive the revelation that we are God’s children and we begin to take dominion and authority that the devil has tried so desperately to completely steal from us! But He has already been defeated! Praise God!
Now back to what I had mentioned before, we all have different talents and gifts that God has given us to reach and draw people into His Kingdom. That is where the creativity of the Creator comes into play. All of us are completely unique in our personality, character, behavior, abilities, finances, influence, etc. To try to copy and imitate anyone else is cheating yourself of God’s awesome creativity to be activated in your life. Be who God has created you to be and don’t try to put yourself in a box!

With that said, I believe there are three ways we can fulfill our calling and purpose to love God with our heart, mind, soul, and strength and love others how we want to be loved:

1.      Worship God

2.      Edify the Body

3.      Reach the Lost

Within those three ways that we fulfill our calling, we use our unique personality, character, behavior, abilities, finances, influence, etc exactly how God is asking us to. None of those three ways are more important than the other. In other words, if God is asking you to fulfill the call as a Pastor/Teacher, it doesn’t mean that He views how you grow the Kingdom by edifying the Body more important than how a born-again business man reaches the lost by telling his unsaved co-workers about how Jesus changed his life and how Jesus will do the same for them. Or that God views a teenager reaching the lost by leading a fellow student through the prayer of salvation more important than a young couple edifying the Body by leading a Bible study at their college and career discipleship group at their church. Whether saved or unsaved, you are reaching people and drawing people closer (by Jesus being lifted up in our own lives) into the Kingdom of God.

Yet, we can’t reach anyone or draw anyone if we are not worshipping God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Worship isn’t confined to music and singing, or dancing, or painting, or the first 30 minutes of our church services. Worship is a lifestyle of loving God by choosing to say “yes” to God and “no” to our own selfish desires daily. Through acts of constant obedience, we are giving God worth and valuing His will over our own. When we worship God, He pours into us and then asks us to in turn pour out to others around us, again, saved and unsaved alike. Every single soul is important to Father God and He always desires more of us, whether we know Him and have been a Christian for 50 years, 5 minutes, or do not know Him at all and still need to acknowledge Jesus as our Lord and Savior.

Jesus didn’t tell us to go and make converts; He told us to go and make disciples. If you are a Christian, and want to reach the lost, don’t just stop at leading them through the prayer of salvation, continue ministering until they are a part of the Body of Christ, in which they will continue to grow closer into the Kingdom by being edified by possibly someone else who is supposed to use their gift of teaching and encouragement to disciple and watch them mature and grow into who God has created them to be in His family. And please, don’t forget to live a life of constant worship through obedience to the Father. He will pour into you, as you pour out. Live, move, and have your being in that overflow.

Amen.

Created to Worship

Did you know that everyone was created to worship?

YEP.

Worship is giving something or someone worth. It is what you devote your time, your devotion, your affection, your finances, your heart to. If you allow yourself to really reflect on this, you will know in your heart where all of those things in your life are going to.

If you worship anyone or anything besides God Almighty, the Bible calls those people or those things idols. And when it comes to God, He doesn't want you to give yourself away to anything or anyone but Him. He's not egotistical or prideful, He just loves us SO MUCH and wants us to see the world and people like He does. Worshiping God creates an atmosphere in our hearts that is conducive to letting God mold us into His image. It becomes a breeding ground for selfless love to be produced in us.

2 Samuel 16:7 says:
"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (NIV)

When we allow the Lord to mold us and change our hearts, we will be able to love others with the Father's love.

In prayer one day, the Lord dropped this song down into my heart:

Cultivate the ground of my heart

Til it yields a harvest of lasting fruit

For Your purpose

For Your plan...

How does God cultivate the ground of your heart?

By worship.

By worshipping God Almighty and surrendering your life completely to Him. And worship is not just singing to the Lord (although that's important). It is denying yourself and saying "yes" to Him every single day of your life. From seeking Him in prayer or telling a stranger that God loves them by praying with them or giving them a hug, every "yes" to God is worship. When we love God with all that we are, our hearts can't help but overflow with His love for others. 

So it is true. Worship IS a lifestyle. It is constantly telling God "More of You and less of me." EVERY DAY. And every time we obey God and say "yes" to Him, we give Him glory. We give Him worth because He sees us growing up and maturing. Every Father wants to see their children mature and succeed their love walk.

So who or what do you worship? Yourself? Your plans? Your job? Money? Nice clothes? Everything in this world will pass away, except for Love. Let God speak to your heart today and see if there are areas in your life that you are holding back from Him. The more we say "yes" to God, the more He can molds our hearts and they will overflow with His perfect Love. 

Give God worth today. Even in the little things. :)

Peace&Love.

Emily

Refiner's Fire

Refine me like gold.
Purify me until I shine like the Son.
Purge my heart of all that does not belong...all that doesn't look like You.
Take me through the fire and consume me with Your love.
Refine me like gold.
Gold is a symbol of Your divine character.
When I am refined like gold,
I am shining with Your divine nature, Your glory.
Pure and spotless
without blemish
Like Your Church
Like Your Bride.
You will return soon
coming on clouds with fire
Your Bride will meet You
And we will reign with You forever.
We must be refined individually
as members of Your Body,
Your Church, Your Bride first
before we shine as a whole.
So stir up a desire in all of us
to be pure
and spotless
and holy
like You.
Refine us like gold.
Cleanse us with Your Blood
until we shine like You.

(written on 8/6/2012)

Unity and Love.

The Lord really has been hitting me over the head with one topic that He has had me studying for the last few months. LOVE. Every sermon I hear (most times unexpectedly) and every scripture passage that I feel led to read has had something to do with love. Walking in love. Enduring difficult situations and transitions and remaining in love. The definition of love. I can't seem to study anything else. And I really don't want to.

I can't tell you how many times I have read 1 Corinthians 13, "The Love Chapter." And every time I read it, I see love and God, who is Love, in a deeper way. Last night I received a greater revelation to this love walk that we Christians must endure.

"[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things..." 1 Corinthians 13:7 NKJV

So if we are truly walking in love, we ENDURE through it. What if relationships begin to fall apart? What if people are spreading lies about you? What if the ones you care about disappoint you? What if those you care about hurt you? It doesn't matter. Love endures. Love stands firm through it all.

And guess what? We must love ALL PEOPLE. No matter wh

at!

"But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them." Luke 7:32 NKJV

What if fellow believers are not living a righteous life? Is it our job to point out their flaws? NO!

"[Love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV

So here is my ultimate question...why are we keeping a record of wrongs against The Church? I am so tired of hearing sermons and remarks about how screwed up The Church is from other believers. The Church is Christ's bride. He loves her unconditionally. He loves Her so much He died for Her and for others who He wants so badly to believe on Him and become a part of Her. If I was caught up in sin, my husband would be concerned, but would never stop loving me. And if he heard another bad-mouthing me, it would hurt his heart to hear it, but He would stand up for me. I can only imagine how Jesus feels about us bad-mouthing The Church, His bride and His body.

"And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and members individually." 1 Corinithians 12:26-27 NKJV

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones." Ephesians 5:29-30 NKJV

When we speak ill of the body of Christ, we are speaking ill of Christ. He is the head and we are the body. He is a part of us and we are a part of Him. If we are members of the Church then why do we constantly point fingers and poke holes in the Church's behavior? I am not saying that there aren't flaws, I just choose to cover them in love and build up and not tear down because the Bible says to.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8 NIV

Last night at CIA, Pastor Rochelle brought a powerful message about the Lord's Supper and Pastor Darnell highlighted something that I never thought of before regarding this

verse:

"Take eat; this is My body which is broken for you; do this in remembrance of Me." 1 Corinthians 11:24b

We can take the words "remembrance" or "to remember" and break it a part into RE-MEMBER=to put something back together. To re-assemble. Pastor Rochelle and Darnell made it a point to let us know that every time we partake in the Lord's Supper, each member of the body of Christ is coming together in unity to form the body of Christ. We are "re-membering"

ourselves. In unity. In love.

I am reminded of this:

"I see your Church, all rising up in power

Laying down their lives in unity and love

I hear the sound of every tribe and nation

Giving glory to Jesus Christ the Son.."

(lyrics from the song "Do It Lord")

Are we going to lay down our lives for one another (there is no greater love) or are we going to point fingers just as the Accuser wants us to as he dismembers us? We know together we are stronger! Are we going to choose to build up or tear down? Let us re-member and remember what the Lord did for us as He laid down His life for us so that we may have everlasting life forever with Him in heaven together.

Be blessed.

Peace&Love.

Emily

Standing in AGREEMENT.

These last few weeks can only be described in one word: battlefield.

I have been pulled in so many directions emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It seemed like everywhere I turned, something or someone was demanding more of me. I found myself disagreeing on more topics than agreeing. It seemed like I was ready to fight at the drop of a hat. In complete defense-mode, really. All I could see was chaos around me.

I always thought I was a peace-maker. I never realized how passionate I can become if something I love is messed with. Whether a person I care deeply about or even the truth I stand for is attacked or tested...I get territorial. I begin to search for the truth to stand against the deception and lies. Whatever it takes, the truth will shine forth!

I realized very recently how much more I can accomplish when I begin to agree instead of disagree. Instead of pointing out what is wrong, I need to speak life over the situation to see how it can change for the better. If I am continuously looking at what is wrong with something instead of what it could look like if it was right, I would probably live without a lot less stress and frustrations and my relationships would remain strong.

This kind of mind-set is really centered in faith. Cutting through all of the mess with words of hope that begin to change things.

"God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did..." -Romans 4:17

When life throws you a curve-ball, sometimes you swing, miss, or you get hit in the head. Instead of screaming at life or even the "curve-ball" for hurting us, why don't we pick up our bat, stand firm, and take another swing at the next pitch? We could stand firm and believe the next pitch will be different.

The beautiful thing is, God gives us new "pitches" every day.

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They [His mercies] are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23

I want to stand firm on God's word and be in agreement with what it promises. As believers, we could stand in our similarities instead of looking at our differences. We could stand in agreement of the scriptures instead of dispute and disagree. Even if we do not fully understand everything God is doing, we can all agree and know that God is good and God is faithful.

I'm learning to read the scripture to find truth for myself and not to point out another brother or sister's flaws.

I must "work out my OWN salvation with fear and trembling" as Paul says in Philippians.

It really is about speaking life or death. Building up one another instead of tearing down.

I choose to agree from now on.

And I hope you can stand and agree with me that GREAT IS GOD'S FAITHFULNESS!!!

Peace&Love.

Emily

In the blink of an eye...

Things can change so quickly sometimes. One day you are perfectly content with the direction your life is headed, and then you catch a glimpse of something you though you understood, and then BAM...your life takes a sudden turn.

Decisions...changes...moving forward...

Seems to be a constant variable in my life...especially over the last few years. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but change is always uncomfortable no matter how often it happens to you.

Paul and I have been involved at Wrecked Ministries since September 2010, only 1 short month after we left Faith Church. We lost a lot of friends in that transition, but God is always faithful and helped us through it by bringing a different group of friends into our life. We found genuine friendships and family during a time of such change and transition for both of us. During our involvement at Wrecked, we searched for our new church home month after month, until a year had passed. We would stay for a few months at one then question if it was really where we were supposed to be. From September 2010 to September 2011, we had tried 3 different churches. So we always felt in transition as far as that area of our life was concerned, but we never lost sight of who we were in Christ or who Christ was to us. We pursued God intensely in the midst of limbo. I found my place as a prophetic worship leader and re-discovered my gift as a songwriter. I read through the entire Bible and fasted and prayed more than I ever had in my whole life. I had a new-found boldness at work to pray with co-workers and patients and even ministered to some homeless people here in South County. We were greatly impacting families when we traveled as a ministry and when people would come to our gatherings in Arnold at our building.

Even though we had a difficult time finding our church home, we never felt like we were totally lacking in our walk with God. Actually, it felt stronger than ever before!

But in August 2011, something shifted in the ministry. We felt burnt out and upset that no one had been coming for 3 or 4 months. We weren't traveling as much anymore and ultimately, we were just ministering to ourselves. After a team meeting, it seemed as if everyone was throwing in the towel. The foundation was crumbling, but after a weekend at The Ramp it seemed as if we were able to pull ourselves together. We came back refreshed. It looked like we got a second wind! We were faithfully there at every gathering even though only a few people were showing up. We were just keeping our eyes fixed on the Lord. But then some people from the team stopped coming regularly and then left the ministry altogether. Discouragement started to kick in, then judgement, then accusation, then a little bit of self-righteousness. We ignored the fact that there wasn't much love anymore. So month after month went by and we began to ultimately go through the motions. To get over the fact that no one was coming anymore, we focused on prayer. We were going to become a prayer culture. Sounds awesome, but in reality, we became a holy huddle not reaching out to the lost. Paul and I had been feeling uncomfortable about everything for a few months but couldn't find it in us to leave just yet. We had invested so much time and energy in this place! And on top of that, we had no church home at all. We felt trapped with very little hope of ever finding a place to raise our kids. Was this it? Were we even affecting the Kingdom for God? Were we even growing spiritually anymore? We were involved in a ministry that wasn't ministering to anyone. It just felt like we kept going around the same mountain with little progress.

But a month ago, things began to brighten up. We started attending a church in Arnold that a few friends went to. And after the first service, we knew this was it. We had found our church home! FINALLY! We were just so excited to be getting fed regularly and meeting new people. And this church has an amazing outreach ministry. They better because they are called CHURCH IN ACTION!

But what about Wrecked? It was starting to feel like an obligation to go at this point. Over the last few months, Paul and I have tried to stick it out, but this past week we decided to step down. It has been a long week.

I am just so glad that God is faithful to the end. Man's love will always disappoint, but God's love remains. It never fails. I am taking one step at a time with this new season, but I am excited to see what God is getting ready to do through us. Sometimes making a move in a new direction can scare the crap out of you, but if you just keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, He will help you walk out into the unknown.

Lord, help me walk out on the water with You. I want to be where You are. I want to be where You need me. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your amazing love. I couldn't get through all of this change without You God.

"And I'm fixing my eyes on the One who's unchanging, cuz the One who's unchanging is forever changing me." ~Amber Brooks

Love Never Fails

Choose love over criticism.
Choose love over judgement.
You once wandered in darkness,
So show compassion to those who have gone astray.
They need love to help light their path.
Love them back to restoration.
Help them with their love walk.
Help them walk in the light where I am found.
Fill yourself up with the Word.
The Word lights your path.
The Word is founded in Love.

If we are full of Love
nothing else can have room in our hearts.
Deception, sin, unbelief, hate, pride...
It cannot stay because there is no room for it.
Love conquers all of it.
Love never fails.

I'm back!

So it's almost 3AM and I couldn't sleep. I remember when I was in college and this would happen to me, I would just open up my laptop and begin to write. Just stream of consciousness type of writing. After awhile, my eyes would get heavy and I would be able to doze off fairly quickly.

And tonight, or this morning (however you wanna look at it), I realized how much I missed my old blog.

I have missed out on an entire year of blogging, my friends. That kind of makes me a little sad. But there is no better time to start back up then now! I have been keeping a written journal continuously, so not all is lost in the memory upkeep!

So...what's up with me these days, you might ask?

Well, I'm still very much enjoying married life. It will be 2 years here shortly....December 5th to be exact. I can't believe that much time has passed! I'm truly looking forward to a lovely dinner with my hubs next weekend. Frankly, I haven't seen much of him now that the holiday season is here. He is a salesman at Sears so retail hours can be kinda rough on this 9-5, M-F chick. Not to mention he has picked up a part-time job (2-10:30pm shift) to help knock out some of our debt. We definitely have to make the most of the time we have together. Helps us not take each other for granted.

I pay closer attention to the time we have. When you don't get much, you try to soak it all in. Car rides to Wal-mart or QT start to become more precious than you'd think. And as you can tell, we try not to take life too seriously. :)

Work Life:

The office made a move in July to a new location. Newer, cleaner, and more day-light!

The view from my desk... I no longer feel like I'm working in a basement! :)

I've been with NPS for 2 years and 8 months so far and I'm still believing for something else. I refuse to complain because I know I am blessed to even HAVE a job and a decent source of income. I would just like something a little less stressful and a little more enjoyable. I know God has me there for a purpose (and for a season) and I'm constantly trying to live with purpose when I'm there. When it comes down to it, people just need a little kindness and warmth in there lives and I try my best every day to show it to anyone who crosses my path.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,"

~Colossians 3:23

It all comes down to His timing and I will trust Him completely. I know if I wanted to, I could take matters into my own hands and find a new job. But would it be God's plan for me? I don't want to go my own way then ask God to bless it. I'd rather have God reveal His plans for me and they'd already be blessed! This doesn't give me a license to be lazy though. I keep my eyes open for opportunities and a couple doors have opened, but they didn't work out. Not to say God wasn't in it, it just may not have been in His timing.

Ministry Life:

I'm still leading worship at Wrecked Ministries. We have renewed our lease at the building another year. God is continuing to stretch all of us as we keep our eyes focused on Jesus and not on growing a ministry. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... Our worship services are still VERY intimate, but we are so blessed to be able to worship without limitations. We never pay attention to the clock and we don't care how you worship: lying down, kneeling, standing, sitting. We just ask that you surrender your heart fully to Jesus and pour out your best to Him. We've had our ups and downs in the leadership, but God has remained faithful. We believe if we can be found faithful over the little, He will make us rulers over much. So we honestly don't pay much attention to numbers anymore. We just want to raise up a prayer culture and a group of burning ones who long to worship the King in Spirit and in Truth.

Paul and I have tried out several churches over the last year, but we haven't found our "home" yet. When you're involved in a ministry, it hardly seems like you are missing out on too much because you aren't "forsaking the assembling together of yourselves." But there is something about attending church on a Sunday morning that nothing else can really replace. Again, we know in God's timing, He will reveal to us where He needs us to go. Until then, we are meeting regularly at Wrecked for worship, prayer, and Bible study.

Any way, the eyes are starting to get heavy just like I expected. :)

It's good to be back! Hopefully the next time I write it won't be an entire year later...

Peace&Love.

Hello 2011!

So here we are....a new year and a new season in the Massey home.

Guess it's a a new season because I got rid of a lot of things from my past last week. Threw away journals and pictures from messy and dark times in my life. Memories should bring a smile to your face, not make you want to curl up in a ball and cry for days or throw things.

Been considering deleting this blog for awhile as well, but sometimes I feel like it is my one connection to the rest of the internet world. No more facebook or twitter, so what to do?

A lot has gone on since my last blog entry. I've grown and stretched over the last few months. Discovered life by losing it (Matthew 10:39). Actually, not much is left of "my plan" at all...and I have never been happier. Such a simple statement from Jesus, yet it is probably the most impossible for us to accomplish.

Every day I attempt to "die to myself" and ask God what He wants me to do in any given situation. Of course we all fall when we try to do it on our own, but the good news is that you never really are alone. He doesn't "leave you nor forsake you."

November was a month of growth for Paul and I as we began to consistently pray and read the Bible together for the first time in our relationship. It has brought us closer together in so many ways. We also tried small day (2-3 days) fasting to keep our flesh in check. Definitely new to me. Went on a reading frenzy and couldn't stop for about 3 weeks straight. If I wasn't working, eating, or sleeping, I was reading SOMETHING. Got a chance to see Iron and Wine at the Pageant with my friend Lindsay. What an awesome show! Paul and I spent Thanksgiving at my folks' new home out in the country. I thank God for His hand in that one. I'm so happy to know they are out of that old dark and depressing house. Not to get spooky spiritual, but they were definitely not wanted in that home. Evil presence in that house. But now, they are in a new place full of love and angels at every door and window.

December Paul turned the big 2-1...finally! He bought his gun that he has talked about since I first met him and we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary at The Melting Pot and a night at the Millennium Hotel. It was a lovely evening out together. It was fun to get all dolled up for my man. My ability as a worship leader began to surprise me as each service went by. I was in awe and finally realized that I can only be a vessel for Him to use and nothing more. If I did it on my own, I would struggle, but with the Holy Spirit on my side, I get done and can't even stand up. I turned 25 on the 22nd and found out that phone calls/texts from friends get scarce or non-existent when you get older (or it might have something to do with not being on facebook sadly...) Oh well. Christmas went by too fast, as usual. It really was a Christmas full of giving for me, but I did get a nice gift certificate to a spa from my folks. Excited to use it soon! :)

And well, here we are January 2011....sounds sci fi to me. You know, flying cars and whatnot. Too bad it's not the case. It'd be cool though.

Paul and I got a chance to go on a trip to Chattanooga, TN for 3 days with Wrecked Ministries for Winter RAMP. And it was an AH-MAZING way to start off this new year. God moved in a mighty way among 7,000 young world changers. One night we were there: we had been worshiping and interceding for about 3 hours when we felt a shift happen in the room and a young 9 year old boy stood up out of his wheelchair (one that was built for him) and walked. The entire room went crazy. I have never prayed, danced, or cried out to God that hard in my entire life. It was a life-changing experience to say the least. Since January 1st, I have made some big commitments to God dealing with my walk with Him and He has shown Himself faithful to me in many ways. The anointing upon our worship team has been absolutely awesome and God shows up every single time. I am oh so excited to see where He takes this ministry. We are reaching out to the city of St. Louis in hopes of changing lives for Jesus. So far, it has been worth every second of prayer and service to Him.

Hopefully there will be more from me more frequently this year. I don't know why I have strayed away from writing over this past year. Maybe I have been trying to keep the focus off of myself...probably the reason I deleted my twitter and facebook. I don't want people to focus on me. I want them to see Him through me. So if this is why I am writing, then let them see Him through me and the story I continually ask Him to direct for me.

Soon I will tell a story about some lessons God taught me last week regarding my desire to write a book on my life. It was cool what I heard down in my heart. Oh so cool...

But any hoo hoo....back to my hubs on the couch.

Peace&love.

Beach dreaming.

A patient today asked me when I got married. When I told him December, he asked why. I briefly told him that when Paul and I started dating and talking about marriage, we always pictured a December wedding. I didn't tell him that God prompted me about December 5th based on a poem I wrote to my soul-mate, but he I think I answered his question efficiently.

I then said something about our honeymoon and jokingly said, "Yeah, he (Paul) owes me a trip to the beach soon."

Then as soon as the patient left, I started day-dreaming of the ocean. Paul and I didn't travel to Mexico, The Bahamas, or even sunny Florida for our honeymoon. We simply could not afford it. We had to pull together enough money for the wedding and new apartment expenses. So we figured it didn't matter where we went. As long as we were together. And that's how I will forever remember it. Our lives were so hectic at the time, that cuddling in the bed in our hotel room on a cold, windy, icy December in Chicago was all we needed. Yep, me and Paul bundled up watching the Sci-Fi channel's "Scare Tactics" with Tracy Morgan. :) Still makes me laugh.

But as we approach warmer weather, I can't help but dream of the beach. There is just something so calming and beautiful about the ocean. You just feel so small beside it. And I believe God intended it to be that way. It's one of the coolest ways for God to make you realize that you can't do everything, you need Him, and that you enjoy His marvelous wonders.

I miss the beach tremendously. Paul and I got a chance to walk along the beach in January 2009 during a youth conference, but it wasn't very warm to go swimming. There's something amazing about BEING in the ocean too. Water all around you for miles and miles and miles. Neverending. Like heaven. Neverending and glorious.

Maybe someday Paul and I will be able to take a vacation together (before kids) and enjoy some time away from work and church.

This is week 5 away from him. He'll be gone until June 1st. *Sigh* I just miss BEING with him. No pressures or deadlines or practices or meetings or appointments or WORK. Just us and time.
Ah, that sounds awesome. :) It's always just the little things that I appreciate. Time is all I want with him.

Soon. I know that God is using this time to bless us and make us stronger. We're building up our nest egg and by the time our lease is up we will have more than enough for a down payment. And when I think of our house, it makes it alllll worth it. :)

Here's to beach dreaming in the meantime...

Peace & Love.

And I'm feelin... GOOD!

My amazing hubby bought me a ticket to Hillsong United since he knew I wanted to go so badly but couldn't make it because he's currently being my Superman working out of town for the next week or so. Since we were only buying 1 ticket, metrotix was nice enough to get me 5th row in the pit!!! Holy cow!

I am so ready for this night of worship. I have never been to a concert like this in my life and I KNOW it's going to be so anointed and powerful! It couldn't come at a more perfect time either.

Just need to get through the rest of the day at work and I'll be good.

Come on 3 o'clock!!!

God's been dealin' with me...

Last week was rough.

Rough mentally, spiritually, physically.

Just plain rough.

The week started off great: Paul and I BOTH got off of work early and got some amazing quality time together. Just being goofy with each other and loving every minute!

But then Tuesday hit. Ugh. Traffic was horrible going into work and leaving. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Paul was already home and because of a stupid bill that I wasn't expecting, I got upset and fast. I wanted to do nothing but run. Physically run. So before I could even greet Paul, I rushed to put on my work out clothes and get ready to run through the tears. Didn't know why I was so upset. It wasn't my hormones. I just was burn out I guess.

And then when I thought things would get better because it was a new day, a trainwreck happened mid-movie time with Paul Wednesday night.

You see, there's a time in my life that Paul knows little about. He's heard stories, mostly negative (because I was bitter), and seen pictures. But his opinion of this time in my life is solely based on those things because he didn't know me at this time in my life. It's hard for my re-newed mind to grasp things of my past. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't fit any more. I found out that a local theatre company is producing a favorite show of mine (a show that I've done before) and I freaked! Something deep down inside me wanted this opportunity again. I knew from experience, Paul has a hard time understanding this part of my life. So I bi-passed him and called my mom. Bad call, but I wanted validation! I was going to do this show even if it cost me precious time with Paul!


I was getting myself deeper in a big ol' mess and I didn't seem to see it!

I see it now.

I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how my decision would affect someone else's life. We barely get to see each other as it is. I said some hurtful things to him as I was fighting to hold onto MY wants and MY desires. Also, I was comparing a person to a thing. God blessed me with a relationship...a MARRIAGE...something I never had when I did theatre. Mostly because it's hard to balance them at the same time and still come out with a healthy marriage and feel satisfied in other aspects of your life because they take SO MUCH TIME. I look back on it now and see how I let shows fill a void in my heart. I sought out happiness from something that could only bring me that for a short period of time. Happiness is temporary because it is based on what HAPPENS. Joy is something that exists inside you and you can't explain why you are so blessed or full of life. I used my hyper-involvement in theatre as a means for an escape from my pain and loneliness. I'm not lonely or hurting any longer. Praise God!

To ignore the talents God gave me would be a sin, but I have yet to stop using them since I've stopped performing in plays and musicals. I've done numerous dramas and I am one of praise team members at Faith Church! My feet have yet to leave the stage. God never took it away from me. He just shut some doors that He knew weren't good for me anymore. He shut the door to my involvement in theatre by decreasing my passion for it. And for some, that would be a horrible thing. But for me, it needed to happen. I was so obsessed with it, that I didn't have time for God or anyone or anything else. And let's not forget about my PRIDE issue. Whew, I was full of myself...


I figured if God wants me to go back to the secular stage, He will make it blatantly obvious. I thought that this last interest was it, but that was based on past experiences and it ended up creating a wall between Paul and I. How could I allow that to happen to the biggest blessing God has given me?

I can't and I won't.

So God has been dealing with me about selfishness. I found an article on Boundless.org (a Focus on the Family website) entitled "The Shock to Our Selfishness" by Heather Koerner. Heather writes about how the shock to our selfishness is initiated by marriage itself. God is asking us to put aside our needs and wants to make room to focuse on others' needs/wants. The blessing that comes from that kind of lifestyle is amazing.

Still workin' on it...

Peace&Love.

Feeling the love.

I knew Paul was different when he asked permission to kiss me. I knew Paul was different when he looked into my eyes and said "I can truly see myself growing old with you." on our 2nd date. I even knew he was different when he asked my parents for my hand in marriage the night before he proposed to me. And he stood out even more so when he gave me his wedding gift on the way to our reception...a notebook embossed with the words "Journey to Our Wedding" that he had been writing to me shortly after our engagement until the day of our wedding.

Paul proves his unique-ness every single day. No man has EVER treated me the way he does. He truly does love me like Christ loves the Church. With truth, compassion, and unconditional love.



These past few days have been kind of rough for me mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Probably biting off more than I can chew at the time being. So my body is attacking itself right now. My immune system is a lot stronger than it used to be; probably because of my faith. But for the past 3 days, I've wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep the days away. I had a coughing fit in the shower this morning and couldn't stop dry heaving...fun times. But I'm believing in a speedy recovery since my voice will HAVE TO be in tact for this weekend's services (adding 2 more services to the mix).



Any way, Paul has definitely taken care of me and gets the "Best Husband Ever" Award most definitely. :) From, cooking me dinner, to folding the laundry (which I know he HATES doing), to rubbin my feet...he's truly a God-send.


After my dry-heaving adventure this morning, I got to work and sat down at my desk and started my day. Around 10 am I got a delivery in which I had to sign for...

The card reads "Just thinking of you..."

And the simple words say it all because I know he is. As am I ALWAYS thinking of him and how I can show him my love.

I'm a girly girl and I like flowers and chocolate and love letters. Deep down inside, I believe, all women do (whether they want to admit it or not).

So I'm "feelin' the love" and I'm growing deeper in faith and love with Paul every day. Tonight is our mid-week night off together and I cannot wait. No distractions. Just us.

Man, I love him more than words can say.

ENOY THIS BEAUTIFUL WEATHER!!! SPRING IS ON IT'S WAY!!! :)

Peace&Love.

Enjoying the time in between.

When we have goals that we are striving to reach, the hardest part is the time in between. The waiting can sometimes drive us crazy and we seem to be moving so slowly towards our destination.

But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!

Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.

So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.

But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!

Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.

Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.

CrAzY FAVOR IN 2010!

Last night's message hit me hard. Our pastor, Pastor Dave, and his wife Nicole are currently visting Joel Osteen's church, Lakewood Church in Houston. They've been asked to represent Lakewood as a sister church in the midwest. Pretty big stuff! They both hung out with Joel all day and toured all the in's and out's of Lakewood. They filmed promos for this new branch in his ministry and grew together in fellowship.

So while our pastors were in Texas, we had a great man of God speak into our lives last night at Faith Church's Tuesday night's service. Dennis Hammond's word was compelling and full of hope for the Body of Christ. He spoke about the amazing favor God's people are about to experience in this year...this DECADE! It's going to be ridiculous! And I believe it! God's people are going to see so much favor and blessing around them they won't know what to do with it! Checks are in the mail, promotions are coming, the right connections, the right jobs, the right spouses...they are on their way to those who believe!

So as I was chewing on this great word last night, my attention was brought to the favor I have already found in my life so far in 2010! Our tax return alone (seriously not bragging guys, just showing you how amazing God is) was jaw dropping and even left Paul's parents were scratching their heads. And aside from my student loan debt (which I pay more than the minimum payment every month), Paul and I have have lessened our debt below $300, we paid off 3 of his credit cards, 1 of mine, and now are working on 2 of mine which are both fairly low. And then yesterday I got our car insurance policy for the new term in the mail and they lowered the monthly payment by almost $60 for no reason! So with that and Paul's credit card bills gone, we are saving well over $100 every month. That's more money that we can give and more money to help us for various things that pop up. But when I see the greatest favor, I don't think of money or finances, but love.

How can I now be in awe of what God brought into my life? Although Paul and I have been together since 2008, things have seemed more honest, truthful, and passionate between us since we got married. Our love has reach a different level that I can't find the words to describe. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I ALWAYS have someone to pick me up at the end of a crappy day and he's always finding different ways to make me laugh. :)

I was talking to a friend's mom the other night at church at how I can't get over the change God is making in my life. And how much happier I am than most of my friends who are searching for some type of validation from the world. You don't need some random stranger to tell you you are talented or beautiful! Just believe it because God says you are! He LOVES you!!!!

Anyway, because of all the crappy relationships in my past, I can see that favor because God brought Paul into my life. It's perfect. I know we'll have our hard times down the road, but if anything, I think it's gotten easier since we got married. We fought more in the beginning (probably because I was in the midst of a heart change and was resisting it big time). But things are great and I'm so happy with where life is. Not to mention that God is STILL letting me be on stage and sing my heart out. I love it. Favor with that: one of 6 people selected from about 15 plus singers to perform at the Israel Houghton concert on Friday!!! Soooo.....EXCITEd!!!

Also SUPER SUPER SUPER happy for my friend Kelly who discovered her soulmate Josh a few weeks ago. I've known Kelly since we were 5. We grew up in the same church, played in band together, went through the same school system, and graduated together from Wesclin in 2004. Josh is a sweetheart to her and I'm so excited for the both of them. :)

Life is good.

Peace&Love.

Wants and desires gone astray

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

Mmm...Bread Co soup...mmm...

I'm content. Sometimes it doesn't take much. And today's one of those days. :)

Paulie got off work early and he's snug in our bed and I'm relaxing the only way I know how. Writing. Just taking time to chill and not dwell on negatives or issues. Just relaxin.

I've been downloading Joyce Meyer's podcasts a lot lately. She makes me laugh. I love how blunt she is. And ironically, every message she speaks is for me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. It's nice to know that I'm not alone with my imperfections. And I've got a lot of 'em! But I'm workin' on it...

She's been talking a lot about spiritual maturity. The fruit and gifts of the spirit. It's awesome. She talks about how God blesses some of us with gifts like playing music/singing or photography or making awesome accessories like Jillian Pye! :) He gives us gifts for others' enjoyment, not for us to get jealous over. But not every one has those gifts. But He DOES give us all fruits. But we must DEVELOPE them to enjoy them. Good word, good word.

Any way, life is great. I'm happy. And Paul has been home for 7 days straight and it has been FANTASTIC!!! :) I have my hubby alllllll to myself.

I'm gonna share you one of my favorite pictures from the wedding. Thanks goes to Brittany Browers...

Should probably update...

So...

I'm all moved in! I no longer live in my home-town. I'll be back there in a couple of days for my wedding shower, but it does feel a little odd to be able to stay in STL after I get off of work and not have to drive to east ba-jee-bus to get to my bed for the night. Yes, it's very nice indeed.

Best upside: I'm 10 minutes away from Paulie so he gets to hang out over at the place later than usual. We've been able to get a taste of married life....cooking, cleaning, shopping together.

Bummer: He has to leave when I go to sleep at night. :( It truly makes December seem so far away. But we both know that it will be here sooner than we know it.

BUT next week is October 1st and that's when we're sending out our invitations! Holy Cow!!! That definitely helps it all seem so close, I must say. Craziness.

When the place is a little bit more decorated, I'll post some pics. My The bathroom and kitchen are pretty much done. The living room and dining room most definitely need some decorating and their bare walls are driving me nuts! Paul doesn't see what the big deal is, but I'm a detail-oriented person. He's more of a foundation kind of guy. That's why we work! :) I'm the icing and he's the cake.

We'll see how quickly this goes. 72 more days!

Desires.

You're in my heart
You're on my mind
The thoughts of you cirlce around
They make me smile
They make my world

Without you
life seems empty
what did I do before you?
I can't seem to remember...

I miss you.
So much it hurts.
How many more days?
Hours seem like days
And days seem like months

So the countdown continues
to when we will be one
Life never seemed this meaningful
but it does now because of you

because of your love.
for me.
for us.
for what we are and will be.

I love you.
So much.

6 whole months.

Tomorrow Paul and I will celebrate 6 months together. I would have never thought that I would fall so hard for someone like I have fallen for Paul in such a short period of time.

He entered my life so quickly and we weren't dating very long before we dove into wedding planning. I can't imagine life without him now. He's my best friend and my soul-mate. Each day that passes is one more day we grow deeper in our faith and deeper in love. The voicemails and the text messages I get from him on a daily basis bring tears to my eyes. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm not ashamed.

God knew how much I needed this. All of it. The roses, the chocolate, the love letters. It's all so cliche and I really don't care. I'm blessed to have this simplicity. It helps lessen the likelihood of me going crazy or stressing out. I actually get a little unpleasant when I don't get to see Paul. Haha. So I really can't imagine me locking myself up in play rehearsals for months at a time any more. I'd miss him too much. I'd rather love person over something that will never learn how to love me back.

*sigh*

I'm headed to SIUE to see a few friends perform in "As You Like It." I still go to support them because I remember how important it was to me for people to come support me when I still did shows. I'm actually really excited to see a lot of them. I've been kinda anti-social these past few months and it'll be nice to say hello to my pals.

Anyway, this weather is absolutely gorgeous and makes me want to visit the beach! :)

Have a blessed weekend everyone!!!

Peace&Love.