it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...
I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.
I think it all comes down to my job.
I really do.
It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)
I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?
I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.
*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.
May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."
Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...
2 comments:
Nice post, Emily. I think most people struggle with the issue you raised. Sometimes we know what we love doing, but we have to do it as a pastime because it just doesn't pay the bills. For others, we seek most of our lives to work at something we enjoy. And I think there are those whom that doesn't really matter: they have their family and to them that is more paramount than the job they work at.
A key is learning not just to exist and to actually live. Existing is easy. Living is hard, very hard. I've known that for years, but have had it illustrated to me in a different way the past few months.
Hi Emily!
Been a long time.
I've been reading a book as my daily devotionals entitled "What Makes A Winner" and it really focuses on our passion in work/business. I'm recommending it to you. hehehe! Btw, I LOVE your blog photo up there...nice!
GOD IS BLESSING YOU ABUNDANTLY! P.U.S.H.
iLoveYou, my darling co-heiress in CHRIST!
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