Something has changed within me...something is not the same...

Yeah...I'm a dork for quoting Wicked, so what?

But I honestly feel like those lyrics truly describe what's been happening to me. So much has changed since May, I can't fully grasp it or explain it to others who are just as confused as me. I can state the obvious, the things that we all can see (new relationship, less time with friends, more time at church, change of career plans, etc), but it goes much deeper than that. I've found myself not caring about the things that I used to care about and I'm questioning if it is good or bad for me to begin with. Not drinking? Yes, that's good that I don't do that anymore. Going to church 3 or 4 times a week? Yes, that's good that I spend more time worshipping the Lord and growing deeper in my faith. Falling in love? Yes, it's amazing that I've found the man of my dreams and I'm madly in love with him. You starting to get the picture? A lot of the things in my life have changed for the better, but I still feel like I'm falling short in life. The things that used to excite me, don't anymore. And the things that excite me are so new that it weirds me out that I love it so much.

I used to have passion for my art form, Theatre. I still love it, but I'd much rather spend time cuddling with Paul and laughing until my face hurts. Is that falling short? Ugh. No...it's just different. I'm different. And I wake up trying to get used to myself. Is that weird? My dad's death has REALLY shaken me. But no one would be able to tell (not even myself) because I keep putting one foot in front of the other, mechanically getting through it all somehow. I don't think anyone can heal from something like this so quickly that they completely act like it never happened. First off, that's denial and I'm not there. I just wonder if there comes a time in life where it will seem so distant that I can only look at my life with him in a good light. Right now I'm wanting that to happen, but I can't seem to get there just yet. I guess I put too much pressure on myself. It HAS only been a month.

I have to ask...can you stop depression when you feel it coming on? Can you make yourself not dive into the 1 thing that brings you so much joy but hurts your relationship with God? When somethings broken, one must go to God to fix it even if you cannot see Him or audibly hear Him. It is SO easy for me to run to Paul instead because he's physically there and I can SEE him, HEAR him, and TOUCH him. You can experience God in those ways too, but most of the time they are manifestations of him: signs, angels, guidance from His words. I feel like I'm giving myself advice right now by playing the devil's advocate. I know what to do, it's just the matter of following through with it!

I just feel numb when Paul isn't here. And I KNOW that isn't good for me. I must feel joyful no matter where I am, no matter if he is around me or not! Paul doesn't bring me joy. That joy must come from God first and He then spreads it by sending His people.

Ugh...I'm just in a weird low. Which isn't good around the Holidays. But I guess when you have something as odd as your dad being murdered, things are gonna be a little hard.

Oh well...I must keep my chin up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.