Honestly...have I lost my drive?

So I'm sitting here awake at 12:46am when I should be asleep. But I ask myself why? I don't have plans tomorrow, which has been the statement of the hour for an entire month. My goodness...has it already been a month since all of that happened? Yeah, it has.

I have never been the type of person to be okay with unemployment, but I've reached a point of surrender. I have odd jobs that help me pay the bills, but it's not much. I guess I don't need an ungodly amount of money anyway. I don't pay rent or have car payments. My loans are going to be deferred until I have a steady income. I just need money to pay my phone bill and gas. I suppose I have always had money issues and have grown numb to it all. God provides somehow. And I manage to make it through every month so I'm not really worried about any of it.

I guess because I'm so used to being high-strung that when I'm not stressing or worrying every second of every day, something feels off. I have goals. I ALWAYS have goals, but my most recent goals are a lot more different than I'm used to. I have certain things to keep me occupied while I'm trying to get my life situated. But I feel situated somehow and I don't care that I don't have a career path right now. I honestly don't care and that feeling freaks me out hard-core. I've ALWAYS cared about that part of my life. Maybe it's because that's all I thought I had in my life to care about. Maybe it's because the world prepares us all to care about that. They don't teach us to care about church or family or love. We spend 17 plus years of our lives in school and they never say a single thing about any of that. Unless you go to a private school with religious affiliation I guess. But a majority of us spent many many MANY years going to public school being brain-washed into thinking that life is about making money and finding your place in the economy. Hahaha...I just laugh at that mere idea. What economy?! It's failing! If it wasn't for our families, we wouldn't need a reason to make money and I'd like to think that is why we must find a career...so we can take care of them.

But I've come to realize that even without my career a part of my life right now, I STILL feel complete. I'm STILL full of peace and joy. I still feel like I'm LIVING. At 22 years old, almost 23, I feel like I have a solid grip on what life is all about and it has NOTHING to do with what I've been drilled with since I was 5 years old. Absolutely NOTHING. I don't regret any part of my life, but college was the most hellish 4 years of my life. I have never felt more stressed or pressured in my entire life. Okay...figure out what you want to do with the rest of your entire existence...NOW!!! Oh, you're undeclared...that's sad. You don't know what you want to do? That's sad....

You know what I want to do? I want to be happy! I want a perfect marriage to counter-act all the rest of the divorces in this world. I want 2 beautiful children to love and adore and teach them about God and how much He loves them. I want a warm and wonderful house to come home to at the end of a long day at work. I want to spend time at church with my family and grow deeper in my faith. I want to use the talents God has given me to make a huge difference in the world and change lives. I may not know exactly what that is going to be, but I know I will continue to listen to what God wants for me. I want an act of illumination, not ellimination.

So have I lost my drive? Hmm...I don't think I have. I think my drive has been switched over from the world's system to God's system. Seriously. In the Bible it tells us that God is Love. And Love is at the center of my existence for the first time in my life. Not just romantic love, but love for all of God's people and especially people who haven't seen much of me over the years...my family. I choose them over my friends and a lot of my friends are left scratching their heads because they don't get it. I love my friends, but I love my family more. That's how it should be! And maybe we are all messed up individuals carrying around so much pain because of our dysfunctional relationships with our family. If we took the time to heal those wounded relationships, maybe other aspects of our lives would be more fulfilling. As we get older, our family grows because we form our very own family. I am getting older and things are changing for me at a very rapid pace because God has sent someone who I've longed for most of my life...my soul-mate. This isn't just another relationship doomed to fail. Paul isn't just a boyfriend. He is my future husband. If you have ever been in this situation where you know who you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you might just think I'm getting into too deep too quickly or maybe I'm just getting too wrapped up in him or obsessed even. I have never understood something so clearly in my whole life. And I know our relationship (which is centered in Christ) is what I'm supposed to focus on right now.

Everything else is just going to have to take a back-seat for awhile. I have the rest of my life to figure out my career. Who said you have to know that answer at 22? Who wrote those rules? I'm pretty sure that isn't in the Bible. I know God didn't want us to be alone.

18Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone;(R) I will make him a helper fit for[e] him." 19(S) Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed[f] every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and(T) brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam[g] there was not found a helper fit for him. 21So the LORD God caused a(U) deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made[h] into a woman and brought her to the man. 23Then the man said, "This at last is(V) bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;she shall be called Woman, because she was(W) taken out of Man."[i]
24(X) Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2: 18-24 ESV).

So, that's what has been on my mind lately and what has been going on in my life lately. I think about Paul every second of every day because I want to and because he is my gift from God. I'm not saying everyone's life has to be like this, but it sure beats being stressed out wondering what you are going to do for the rest of your life and how you are going to make money. To me, this is such a better deal!

Peace and Love.