At 23, I should be planning a wedding, not a funeral...

So these past few days have been the longest yet fastest days of my life. I can't believe it's already Thursday. I feel like I blinked and it went from Monday to today in just the matter of seconds. But at the same time, I feel like this whole ordeal has been hanging over my head for forever and a day. Each day that passed brought more news and more closure in some odd way. But I'm still finding myself in the heaviest daze and still questioning when I will wake up and the nightmare will finally be over.

Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*

On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.

*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.

I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).

So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!

There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:

“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)

My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)

I leave you with this prayer:

"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)

Peace & Love.