growing-up-sucks-moments.
I'm also extremely hormonal so that does not help either.
I'm not going to try to complain in this post, but TRY to just talk.
I have had massive headaches, all-day-long headaches, for the past month and on and off again headaches for probably the past 4. I know that there are several reasons for these headaches, stress, caffeine withdrawls, lack of water, lack of sleep, poor diet, and finally have figured out the big one...old lenses prescription...7 years old. No wonder I have had these headaches! My eyes are like..."You idiot! We are so tired...what are you doing to us??!!!"
So I stayed home today to rest those strained eyeballs and get an eye exam scheduled ASAP. Because lenses are so friggin expensive, I've got to dip into my savings, which is for the wedding. And that is where my stress comes from...saving up for the biggest day of my entire life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm having trouble with saving up. I spend 300 is gas alone every month just to get to work. I'm still commuting and it is the one thing I loathe more than anything. I'm staying in New Baden just to save on money because of rent issues. *Sigh*
Meanwhile in the land of Emily Rose...my brain sends me around in circles. When I end up talking to Paul about it, I sound crazy because I repeat myself without meaning to. It also doesn't help because I'm constantly wishing I was younger. I find myself wanting to go back to the days where all I had to worry about was waking up to go to class. Maybe as humans we are never satisified with our circumstances. And that's where I get the most frustrated. I was so happy to graduate last May and leave the stress of college behind me. What about being happy to leave the stressful auditions behind me as well? Several months ago, I would have killed to have a job and save me from my facebook and blogging boredom. Not to mention the nanny days...boooorrrrinnggg....
And yet, here I sit, whining about how I hate being a grown-up. How I miss summer vacation. How I miss performing in Disney's High School Musical with everyone. How I miss listening to music and journaling all day long. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because it's July and I should be swimming and playing outside. I have experienced full-time work for the first time in my life and I got so caught up in that, that I almost forgot it was summer. Sitting in an office at a computer was not what I wanted for my life, but it's what will do for now as we save up for a life together. *Sigh* Do we all wish to be kids again? I love having Paul. If I could have that and be a kid at the same time, I think that would be my idea of heaven. And maybe that's what heaven is like. A life as a child with no stress or worldly obligations such as work, bills, or health problems.
Yes, I'm having one of those days today. Questioning my future. Questioning my desires. Questioning myself and my passions. Putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God knows best. It's just so difficult to sit "here" when you want to be "there." Wherever "there" is...I have no idea.
Another day goes by...
2 comments:
If it makes you feel any better, even if I achieve everything I would like to in my life, I still think I wouldn't exactly feel at place. We were created for paradise and though we catch glimpses of it here and there, this big beautiful world is only a figment of a shadow of what it was supposed to be.
Oh no..7 years old? Definitely need a new prescription.
Well, lenses here are so cheap. You want me to buy you one pair or maybe 5? hehehe! Well, I guess we all sometimes complain. hehehe! Chill, dudette!
You know what I've realized...if life is so perfect, then GOD won't be remembered anymore. So we get the beautiful blessings one at a time, sometimes all in one day. hehehe! BUT we also have trials and struggles to overcome everyday which makes it all a great balance.
I never wanted to be a school registrar because my passion is cooking. With being a school registrar, I am able to interact with a lot of people which means ministry. Yay! hehehe! Eventually, GOD let me LOVE my job. In order to do that, I've loved HIM first and I continue to. I have been a lazy snooze but I don't miss it anymore BUT I need to pamper myself every now and then. Plus, I'm excited to work in a restaurant and study Psychology so I could pursue one of my GOD-given passions which is counseling and live a life with my "GOD's Perfect Choice." So many dreams but these dreams make me desire to strive more in GOD's wonderful grace. While I am busy, it makes me appreciate more of what I have infront of me. I asked my parents' approval earlier about getting married soon and my mom said, "If you have plans, do it now. I also want to see you settle down." And I thought, "Wow life goes by so fast but so beautiful when GOD is with you." My parents were so doubtful to give my hands before to an ex.
Okay I rambled. Now my comment is longer than your post. hehehe!
Please know that I LOVE all of your posts! They hold so much meaning about having a beautiful life with GOD. An imperfect life led by a Perfect GOD. Just so humbling. I just LOVE your genuine heart in your blog. Really.
GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY! P.U.S.H.
P.S. You really need to relax every once in a while. Take care of the temple of the HOLY SPIRIT. Lenses are supposed to be changed if not after a year then after 2 years, ok? hehehe! I could buy you a pair here if you want me to. Seriously.
iLoveYouSoMuch, my darling co-heiress in CHRIST!
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