I've been having a heck of a time these past few weeks finding a solid job with some security. The job interview that I'm supposed to have on Saturday leaves me with an odd feeling. I found it on craigslist and the guy posted a new position the other day that look very similiar but some things were changed. And that's the weird part, it's a guy. He hasn't mentioned the baby or his wife. So I emailed him yesterday and told him that because of the shady stories I've heard about craigslist, I wanted to meet him in a public place like Starbucks. I still have yet to hear back from him. Like Pastor Dave says, "If you don't know...don't go." I'm having a weird yellow light in my spirit about it. It could be some creeper trying to meet a nice girl by offering her a fake nanny job.
So I called my nanny agency this morning and they are sending my newly updated portfolio to a family in University City. It sounds great to me. $500/week, paid vacation and holidays, and I get out early on Fridays at 3pm. I don't know...I'm wondering why this search has been so difficult for me. The longer it takes me to find a job, the longer I won't be moving out to LA. I wake up every morning thinking about this when I know I should be praising God for His glory even if I can't see it. "Lead by faith, not sight" Pastor Dave says. It's not like I haven't been doing the work. I apply for at least 2-3 jobs a day. That's a lot of jobs for the past month and a half! But honestly, I think God is trying to teach me patience and discipline. And probably gratitude. Every glory should be praised to Him, not myself for finding a job. I'm so used to controlling everything. I am very organized and my OCD kicks in from time to time and I've always managed to have many successes in my life. For the first time in my life when someone asks me what I'm up to, I get embarrassed because I am not as successful as usual. I don't have some grand thing to talk about. Being unemployed isn't the big impressive thing I want to talk about after I just acheived a college degree. But I suppose that is God teaching me humility. I've always had such confidence in myself. And I still do, but God wants me to be confidently humble. If that makes any sense.
The one thing that I've still been holding onto and really need to surrender to God is when I will move. At first I said, "It'll happen when God wants it to happen." And then when I found that last job in Ladue, I put a date back on it. I think God is shaking my life to wake me up and STOP CONTROLING EVERYTHING! So yeah, if I get this nanny job with my agency, I have to give them at least a year committment. That means if I don't get the job until the end of this month, I won't be headed to LA until Nov or Dec 2009. A part of me is going "AN ENTIRE YEAR FROM NOW...WHAT?!" That's the driven side of me that wants this career to happen. But then the obedient Christian is saying "When it's God's time, it's GOD'S TIME!" And as each day passes, I see why staying is the better choice...I met so many people at church the other night and one of them asked me for my number. I got invited to a weekend youth conference in FL in January and I'm going! I talked to the lady in charge of it and I'm giving her my money on Sunday to secure a spot. It's only like $150 to go and it pays for everything..including a house on the beach! If I was moving in January, I couldn't go to this thing. God is so specific isn't He?! :)
I'm getting more involved in the drama ministry at church. I helped with a skit on our big "Country Sunday" and the woman in charge of the Xmas program told me that I don't even have to audition because they already want to give me a part and most of the material is gonna be filmed! That's exciting!
I'm feeling called to help in the nursery. I think I've been going there long enough that I don't need to sit in the sanctuary to get the message. They desperately need help and I think I need to serve where there is need.
Brighton Beach is going well. I keep getting really good comments from the director, so that's good. The indie movie doesn't shoot my scenes until November or December, but when we do, I'll so be ready! I'm auditioning on Sunday for Webster's student film season. It's just like a giant casting call for all of the directors to pick out their actors. Hopefully I'll get a chance to do a couple projects and get some stuff for a reel. I'll be around longer so I can build up my resume a little more. When it's God, it's effortless. I'm so excited for it to finally be a little bit easier because this whole trying to control it all on my own has been tough!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Feeling torn between past and present
I always thought that when someone changes, a piece of their past goes away... never to return, but I realized last night that even within one person, a battle between two selves can occur. The battle was between one's past self and one's present self. Although my mind was dwelling in the past last night, I had to force my body to keep moving forward. This whole situation played out in an actual event while I could have chosen to literally turn my car around and confront a person from my past. But I kept driving because I allowed God to take the wheel. I gave Him the pen for my love story along time ago and I couldn't rip it from His hands just to chase something that has already past. This wasn't all just strictly about my past, but a past LOVE. Even more specifically, a past FORBIDDEN love. I am not ashamed of my life experiences because they all happened for a reason and the Lord turned all the evil into good. Because of my relationship with God, I can now see the good in it.
But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.
The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.
After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.
The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!
So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.
I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!
Peace, Joy, & Love.
:)
But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.
The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.
After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.
The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!
So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.
I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!
Peace, Joy, & Love.
:)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Complete Honesty.
So you know how I like to be the strong, single woman with every intention to make something of herself? You know, Miss Independent who loves her singlehood?
Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.
The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.
I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.
But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.
I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.
I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.
Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.
I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.
Peace, Joy, & Love.
Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.
The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.
I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.
But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.
I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.
I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.
Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.
I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.
Peace, Joy, & Love.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Build my house on ROCK, not SAND!
This truck was in front of me after church on Sunday morning...it says "Jesus Christ is Lord not a swear word" I decided to take a quick pic with my camera phone.You know I've always loved that song "On Christ the solid rock I stand, for other ground is sinking sand!" But I never took the time to really focus on the lyrics.
In the last entry, I talked about living your life for something bigger than yourself...GOD! And I talked about how I live with more peace and less worry now...because I've been building my life on a more solid foundation.
Well, the enemy has surely begun to shake my house and he's trying to break loose my foundation, most definitely. I did not start my day very well yesterday because I received a text from my boss telling me that I did not have to go into work at all this week..."the hours really won't work for me this week." I can't afford to not work and sit at home scratching my head as to what I should do next! I need income. I've planned a budget as to how I'm going to pay my bills and when that paycheck isn't coming, I'm rushing to find a way out!
So because our God is an awesome God, I got many calls last week and yesterday for potential jobs and I couldn't take them on because I was already hired somewhere else. But this job that I have now is very flexible. The mother doesn't work and she only needs me for errands and things that pop up. Well, I need a more stable job. I will stay with this job until I find that. As of right now, there is a woman in Edwardsville that I'm supposed to hear back from tonight and I already heard back from another family that my nanny agency lined up for me. The problem with the woman in Edwardsville is that she was only willing to pay $8/hr for 3 kids and the problem with the one that my nanny agency lined up for me is all the way in Maryland Heights! That's an hour drive and it may only be a 3 month gig. I'd be jobless again by March. Hmm...
I also found another job on care.com in Fairview Heights, which would only be a 20 minute drive for me and it's only 1 kid. She needs someone by October 13th. I really need to let these 2 other families know by the end of this week. I'm in a predicament.
But I must have faith that this is God's plan for me. The reason I got soooo upset yesterday was because I was trying to control everything. I was trying to put the plan in this little box so I could move to LA when I WANT TO! But I don't think that's how it's gonna work. God knows otherwise. He knows a better way than my own.
So I'm hoping it all falls together this week. And if not, I know God has other plans for me. Perhaps staying with my current job and just sticking it out. Who knows.
I DO know that I'm having a good time with the suprises that come with living in the present. I got to help out at church last night making up a live video for this Sunday's service and had an absolute blast! I'll go work out later and then to rehearsal and hopefully the whole job situation will be taken care of with the woman in Edwardsville. If not, God has other plans. All I know is that this weather is abolutely gorgeous and I love having my windows open!
Peace, Love, & Joy!
In the last entry, I talked about living your life for something bigger than yourself...GOD! And I talked about how I live with more peace and less worry now...because I've been building my life on a more solid foundation.
Well, the enemy has surely begun to shake my house and he's trying to break loose my foundation, most definitely. I did not start my day very well yesterday because I received a text from my boss telling me that I did not have to go into work at all this week..."the hours really won't work for me this week." I can't afford to not work and sit at home scratching my head as to what I should do next! I need income. I've planned a budget as to how I'm going to pay my bills and when that paycheck isn't coming, I'm rushing to find a way out!
So because our God is an awesome God, I got many calls last week and yesterday for potential jobs and I couldn't take them on because I was already hired somewhere else. But this job that I have now is very flexible. The mother doesn't work and she only needs me for errands and things that pop up. Well, I need a more stable job. I will stay with this job until I find that. As of right now, there is a woman in Edwardsville that I'm supposed to hear back from tonight and I already heard back from another family that my nanny agency lined up for me. The problem with the woman in Edwardsville is that she was only willing to pay $8/hr for 3 kids and the problem with the one that my nanny agency lined up for me is all the way in Maryland Heights! That's an hour drive and it may only be a 3 month gig. I'd be jobless again by March. Hmm...
I also found another job on care.com in Fairview Heights, which would only be a 20 minute drive for me and it's only 1 kid. She needs someone by October 13th. I really need to let these 2 other families know by the end of this week. I'm in a predicament.
But I must have faith that this is God's plan for me. The reason I got soooo upset yesterday was because I was trying to control everything. I was trying to put the plan in this little box so I could move to LA when I WANT TO! But I don't think that's how it's gonna work. God knows otherwise. He knows a better way than my own.
So I'm hoping it all falls together this week. And if not, I know God has other plans for me. Perhaps staying with my current job and just sticking it out. Who knows.
I DO know that I'm having a good time with the suprises that come with living in the present. I got to help out at church last night making up a live video for this Sunday's service and had an absolute blast! I'll go work out later and then to rehearsal and hopefully the whole job situation will be taken care of with the woman in Edwardsville. If not, God has other plans. All I know is that this weather is abolutely gorgeous and I love having my windows open!
Peace, Love, & Joy!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Who are you living for?
This morning's message at Faith Church was centered around the concept of pride. Immediately my ears perked up and I felt God's hand on my heart. I had just apologized to a very dear friend of mine because of my lack of listening. I never thought I was full of pride though. And I was in for a very rude awakening this morning.
Every interuption, every "story-topper," every eagerness to talk about MY problems, all of this is centered in pride. And this is the main reason some people in this world are terrible listeners. When I'm listening to a friend's story, I hear it, but I don't fully listen to it because I'm too busy thinking how this particular story relates to my life or what I'm going to say next. By the time they've finished, or if they even get to finish because I might interupt them, the topic moves to something that pertains to my own life and not theirs. Why is that? I love people. I have a big heart full of love for every human being who crosses paths with me...so why am I so self-involved? I believe it's because I'm so worried about understanding myself that it's not enough for my own self to figure it out, I must go to others to discuss it with them in hopes that they can help me figure it out. But that is so selfish! I'm not getting down on myself, but I know this a major flaw of mine. And God was holding up the mirror this morning. I needed to hear this message.
Now, I've realized the deeper I grow in my faith, the more I see how fragile life can be and how quick it can pass you by. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and wanting so badly to learn how to live in the present, but it wasn't until I realized there was a huge lacking in my relationship with God, that I began to see life so differently. I no longer have to TRY to live in the present, I just live it. I just am. I just exist...I be. I don't think a book, especially that of the world, can teach you how to take advantage of every precious moment. So since I've come into this new lifestyle, I've become at peace and with less worry. It is a major blessing. And I wonder why so many people are so opposed to God? I am open about my faith on here and in daily conversations and I get the same thing: "Oh, that's just not my thing. I'm not really into that..."
Well, I have to ask...WHAT ARE YOU INTO? WHO ARE YOU LIVING FOR? WHY DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
I actually asked this question to someone a few weeks ago because I sensed their pain. They told me that they were living for themselves? "Is it a crime to love oneself?" they asked me. It's good to be comfortable with who you are, but you should not make yourself the center of your own universe. I'm learning how to reach out to others and forget about my own petty troubles. Believe me, I'm working on it as much as possible. But most people who walk in pride don't even know they are walking it it! Be glad that you notice the problem...it means you can work towards fixing it! There are many people out there seriously hurting, but some of us (including myself) are so focused on our own agendas sometimes that we completely miss their cries for help.
I don't understand how some people don't see that there is something MUCH BIGGER than us out there. America's economy is failing. There is no doubt about it. Americans are worshipping the money god and OUR GOD is trying to wake us up by allowing this failing economy to happen. How do you get a child's attention that is so engrossed in the TV? You unplug it! God is just unplugging the money machine because He wants us to wake up and see that He is in charge! It makes me sick how we are all worried about Lindsey Lohan's potential lesbian partner or that so-and-so got kicked off of American Idol. When you really take the time to think about it...it's almost pathetic. No wait, it is pathetic. I've been guilty of it too. I'll include myself in all the mix. But I no longer want to live for this system. Because the world's system is failing. I'm switching systems...God's system. God will continue to provide even when you think it is all crumbling down around you. You lost your job? God will send something to you in time. Are you hungry and flat broke? Your grandpa will give you his last $3 to go buy a cheeseburger (happened to me the other day, no joke) and God will wink at you...if you choose to see life that way. Did your boyfriend cheat on you...did he break your heart? God will mend that broken heart and show you that the hole in your heart will be filled by Him, if you let Him. He will bring the man of your dreams into your life and you will be happier than you ever imagined. All of these things will happen to you if you have faith and believe! Miracles happen every single day. You will only notice them if you choose to believe in them. Open your eyes and see His glory around us!
How can you drift through life without something...someone to live for? Your self will eventually break down and you will be lost. I know someone who knows the way and He loves you so much. His name is J-E-S-U-S.
So what are you waiting for? There is a void in all of our hearts. That void will remain in your heart no matter how much you fill it with sex, drugs, alcohol, impulsive shopping...those things only feel good for a little while. God put that void there so we could fill it with Him. I don't know about you, but I want that void to remain full so that I can live my life with Peace, Joy, and Love.
I know this may sound weird, but I don't think that was all me speaking...God is good my friends.
I call you blessed.
Peace, Joy, & Love.
Every interuption, every "story-topper," every eagerness to talk about MY problems, all of this is centered in pride. And this is the main reason some people in this world are terrible listeners. When I'm listening to a friend's story, I hear it, but I don't fully listen to it because I'm too busy thinking how this particular story relates to my life or what I'm going to say next. By the time they've finished, or if they even get to finish because I might interupt them, the topic moves to something that pertains to my own life and not theirs. Why is that? I love people. I have a big heart full of love for every human being who crosses paths with me...so why am I so self-involved? I believe it's because I'm so worried about understanding myself that it's not enough for my own self to figure it out, I must go to others to discuss it with them in hopes that they can help me figure it out. But that is so selfish! I'm not getting down on myself, but I know this a major flaw of mine. And God was holding up the mirror this morning. I needed to hear this message.
Now, I've realized the deeper I grow in my faith, the more I see how fragile life can be and how quick it can pass you by. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and wanting so badly to learn how to live in the present, but it wasn't until I realized there was a huge lacking in my relationship with God, that I began to see life so differently. I no longer have to TRY to live in the present, I just live it. I just am. I just exist...I be. I don't think a book, especially that of the world, can teach you how to take advantage of every precious moment. So since I've come into this new lifestyle, I've become at peace and with less worry. It is a major blessing. And I wonder why so many people are so opposed to God? I am open about my faith on here and in daily conversations and I get the same thing: "Oh, that's just not my thing. I'm not really into that..."
Well, I have to ask...WHAT ARE YOU INTO? WHO ARE YOU LIVING FOR? WHY DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
I actually asked this question to someone a few weeks ago because I sensed their pain. They told me that they were living for themselves? "Is it a crime to love oneself?" they asked me. It's good to be comfortable with who you are, but you should not make yourself the center of your own universe. I'm learning how to reach out to others and forget about my own petty troubles. Believe me, I'm working on it as much as possible. But most people who walk in pride don't even know they are walking it it! Be glad that you notice the problem...it means you can work towards fixing it! There are many people out there seriously hurting, but some of us (including myself) are so focused on our own agendas sometimes that we completely miss their cries for help.
I don't understand how some people don't see that there is something MUCH BIGGER than us out there. America's economy is failing. There is no doubt about it. Americans are worshipping the money god and OUR GOD is trying to wake us up by allowing this failing economy to happen. How do you get a child's attention that is so engrossed in the TV? You unplug it! God is just unplugging the money machine because He wants us to wake up and see that He is in charge! It makes me sick how we are all worried about Lindsey Lohan's potential lesbian partner or that so-and-so got kicked off of American Idol. When you really take the time to think about it...it's almost pathetic. No wait, it is pathetic. I've been guilty of it too. I'll include myself in all the mix. But I no longer want to live for this system. Because the world's system is failing. I'm switching systems...God's system. God will continue to provide even when you think it is all crumbling down around you. You lost your job? God will send something to you in time. Are you hungry and flat broke? Your grandpa will give you his last $3 to go buy a cheeseburger (happened to me the other day, no joke) and God will wink at you...if you choose to see life that way. Did your boyfriend cheat on you...did he break your heart? God will mend that broken heart and show you that the hole in your heart will be filled by Him, if you let Him. He will bring the man of your dreams into your life and you will be happier than you ever imagined. All of these things will happen to you if you have faith and believe! Miracles happen every single day. You will only notice them if you choose to believe in them. Open your eyes and see His glory around us!
How can you drift through life without something...someone to live for? Your self will eventually break down and you will be lost. I know someone who knows the way and He loves you so much. His name is J-E-S-U-S.
So what are you waiting for? There is a void in all of our hearts. That void will remain in your heart no matter how much you fill it with sex, drugs, alcohol, impulsive shopping...those things only feel good for a little while. God put that void there so we could fill it with Him. I don't know about you, but I want that void to remain full so that I can live my life with Peace, Joy, and Love.
I know this may sound weird, but I don't think that was all me speaking...God is good my friends.
I call you blessed.
Peace, Joy, & Love.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Just around the corner, I will find it...
It's been exactly one month since I became unemployed. Somehow God continues to provide and I make it out just fine. It's coming...I can feel it!
I actually cannot stop laughing right now. I JUST, I am telling you JUST got a phone call from one of the ladies I contacted about nannying for them!!! I have an interview/trial-run tomorrow at 3pm. The woman was oh so nice and I'm really excited for this! YAY YAY YAY!!!!
God is good my friends, God IS OH SO GOOD! LOL
I was just complaining about how it's exactly 1 month and the phone rings. How perfect His timing is!
Aside from that, I continue to make connections with people in the business and I'm not even searching for them! Apparently there is a couple in our church that have been actors for over 20 years and are connected with Channel 9 here in St. Louis! The woman in charge of the dramas at church wants to introduce me to them as well! And I was on the phone with one of my nanny placement coordinators and she told me about her husband who is a playwright. His plays are performed all around the world! Thumbs up for God's amazing timing and plans!
Peace, Love, & Joy!
I actually cannot stop laughing right now. I JUST, I am telling you JUST got a phone call from one of the ladies I contacted about nannying for them!!! I have an interview/trial-run tomorrow at 3pm. The woman was oh so nice and I'm really excited for this! YAY YAY YAY!!!!
God is good my friends, God IS OH SO GOOD! LOL
I was just complaining about how it's exactly 1 month and the phone rings. How perfect His timing is!
Aside from that, I continue to make connections with people in the business and I'm not even searching for them! Apparently there is a couple in our church that have been actors for over 20 years and are connected with Channel 9 here in St. Louis! The woman in charge of the dramas at church wants to introduce me to them as well! And I was on the phone with one of my nanny placement coordinators and she told me about her husband who is a playwright. His plays are performed all around the world! Thumbs up for God's amazing timing and plans!
Peace, Love, & Joy!
Friday, September 19, 2008
In due time...
I can't seem to stop thinking about finding a job. It'll be 1 month on Monday since I lost my job, and I've applied at over 20 different places and nothing seems to be working out. I got offered a job Wednesday night by a really lovely family, but it would only be 15 hours a week. When I calculated how much I should be getting paid, it was at $13 an hour. This does not include gas reimbursement. I'm wondering if $16 an hour would be asking too much? Or at least $250 a week? I think I might talk to them today and see what they think.
I figured I could get this job and find another part-time job on Tuesday and Thursday or even remain open for some temporary nanny gigs from Childcare Solutions. Hmm...sure....
The sermon on Sunday night talked about PASSION. Pastor David said, "Passion can do more than money ever could!" So I look at making $250 a week and think, Well...I can manage with that much a month, right? As long as I have at least $5,000 by the time I move to LA, I'm fine! I'll be able to find a solid nanny gig out there and be set making up to $20 an hour!
So now, I feel a little more confident with everything. If this is it, then I would feel a little more at ease. I would just like to get that worry and stress off of my chest. I don't mind having a little stress, but the idea of being unemployed for a couple more months is driving me up a wall! If I could get out of here by next summer with at least $5,000 under my belt, a couple more credits on my resume, I would feel so much better about this decision to stay here for a little while longer. I will continue to pray and be patient, but God has put the desire to pursue this career in my heart and I want to put Hollywood on fire for God! That is what I feel is my mission. Hollywood needs good, honest, loving people to clean up all the mess we have put ourselves in as a society and culture. I want to be at least one of those people to help!
Anyway, one day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time...
Onward and upward.
Peace, Love, & Joy always.
I figured I could get this job and find another part-time job on Tuesday and Thursday or even remain open for some temporary nanny gigs from Childcare Solutions. Hmm...sure....
The sermon on Sunday night talked about PASSION. Pastor David said, "Passion can do more than money ever could!" So I look at making $250 a week and think, Well...I can manage with that much a month, right? As long as I have at least $5,000 by the time I move to LA, I'm fine! I'll be able to find a solid nanny gig out there and be set making up to $20 an hour!
So now, I feel a little more confident with everything. If this is it, then I would feel a little more at ease. I would just like to get that worry and stress off of my chest. I don't mind having a little stress, but the idea of being unemployed for a couple more months is driving me up a wall! If I could get out of here by next summer with at least $5,000 under my belt, a couple more credits on my resume, I would feel so much better about this decision to stay here for a little while longer. I will continue to pray and be patient, but God has put the desire to pursue this career in my heart and I want to put Hollywood on fire for God! That is what I feel is my mission. Hollywood needs good, honest, loving people to clean up all the mess we have put ourselves in as a society and culture. I want to be at least one of those people to help!
Anyway, one day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time...
Onward and upward.
Peace, Love, & Joy always.
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