Chasing God's Dreams

It seems that I have been made more aware as of late of the amount of distractions from the things of God and confusion that the media is bombarding our society, specifically our youth. I know that these tactics by the media are nothing new, but as each year passes, it just seems to be ever increasing and less and less salt, light, and truth can be found in that arena of our American culture.

Last night, I was asked to teach children’s church on short notice just as my husband and I were headed out the door to make it to sound check for our midweek service at our church. There was no curriculum planned for the night, and our pastor ensured me that I could speak to the kids about truly anything that the Lord had placed upon my heart. For someone who sometimes needs structure or guidelines, this massive amount of flexibility flustered me a bit, but I trusted the Lord would speak to me if I just inclined my ear if even for a moment. On the way to church, the Lord dropped the topic of dreams in my heart and told me to focus on Jeremiah 29:11 to let the children know that He has big dreams for them that are always for good and to bring them hope and a bright future. As we sat “cross-cross applesauce” in a circle on the floor, I asked each child what they dreamed of becoming when they grew up. The boys wanted to be firefighters and policemen, of course, but I was amazed that each girl in the room didn't have aspirations like that to help others and make an impact in their sphere of influence. No, they didn't want to be teachers or nurses or even mothers (it seems that not many young girls long to be that anymore…); every single little girl told me that they wanted to be either a singer, dancer, or a celebrity. I didn't stomp on their dreams, just encouraged them that they can do anything they work hard to do, but my heart was truly heavy for them.

Why was this response to be an entertainer or someone famous so common among the entire group of little girls?

Are we raising daughters to chase after approval, applause, and performance-based lifestyles?

Are they beginning to sing “I live for the applause” in their hearts instead of “I live for the Lord” or even “I live to help others?”

Do they dream of that fame and stardom because it gives them a sense of purpose or worth?

Does the thought of the response of their fans make them feel appreciated and loved?

If that is the case, then we are in danger of raising an entire generation of women looking for their worth in the wrong place. They will never find it in the applause of their audience or in the thrill of using their talents for all to see with the spotlight soley on them and their amazing abilities that make everyone feel good. There is so much God has planned for our gifts than to make people feel good!

Don’t they know that He formed them in their mother’s womb for a purpose bigger than themselves, bigger than anything the world can offer?

“Before I shaped you in the womb,
I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
I had holy plans for you…”
Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

An opportunity to dream with God- to help Him achieve His ultimate Kingdom plan that all may come to know Him through His Son, Jesus Christ, and become a part of His loving family not only on earth, but eternally in heaven.

So I ask you, how are you helping raise this generation to find their ultimate Kingdom purpose and find their worth in Jesus Christ alone so that they may receive the Father’s love?

I pray the Lord reveals to you how you can guide the young people He has placed around you. I also pray that the Lord would reveal your worth to you through His Word if you are also dealing with feeling valued or precious or are struggling with desires to seek approval from others thinking somehow the applause of men will fulfill you. You will only find your worth in God’s love. Nothing else will ever satisfy.

To Serve or Be Served? That is the Question!

"Ministry" is from the Greek word diakoneo, meaning "to serve.” At my church, our pastors believe that every member of God’s Church is a minister, so obviously that would mean that every believer is called to serve- serve Jesus and serve His Body. Jesus was the servant of all. In fact, He was the Servant King.

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45 (NKJV)

Jesus asks us as Christians to lay our lives down continually, denying our wants and desires, or as the Apostle Paul said to do, “die daily.”

Do we know how to do that?

It is human nature to seek after what our hearts and flesh crave, but we do not have to give into that kind of nature for we have a new nature in Christ Jesus. The Holy Spirit empowers us to set aside our selfishness and learn how to be selfless like Jesus, preferring others above ourselves. That kind of lifestyle starts in the mind, in the way we think. Not only is the mind of Christ pure and wise, but it is selfless. When we declare that we have the mind of Christ, we are declaring that we can think selfless thoughts and our thoughts will then begin to affect our words, which will in turn affect our actions, which will in turn affect our behavior, which will in turn affect our character, which will in turn affect our destiny.

Who is God asking you to serve?

What do you need to do to lay aside your selfish desires and put someone else’s life before your own?

It isn’t easy, but it is worth it because Jesus promises us that whoever loses his life will find it and find it abundance.

Minister to someone today and find the kind of abundant and amazing life that you’ve always longed for full of so much love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control- enough to both to give out and receive! True abundance!

Unity and Love.

The Lord really has been hitting me over the head with one topic that He has had me studying for the last few months. LOVE. Every sermon I hear (most times unexpectedly) and every scripture passage that I feel led to read has had something to do with love. Walking in love. Enduring difficult situations and transitions and remaining in love. The definition of love. I can't seem to study anything else. And I really don't want to.

I can't tell you how many times I have read 1 Corinthians 13, "The Love Chapter." And every time I read it, I see love and God, who is Love, in a deeper way. Last night I received a greater revelation to this love walk that we Christians must endure.

"[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things..." 1 Corinthians 13:7 NKJV

So if we are truly walking in love, we ENDURE through it. What if relationships begin to fall apart? What if people are spreading lies about you? What if the ones you care about disappoint you? What if those you care about hurt you? It doesn't matter. Love endures. Love stands firm through it all.

And guess what? We must love ALL PEOPLE. No matter wh

at!

"But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them." Luke 7:32 NKJV

What if fellow believers are not living a righteous life? Is it our job to point out their flaws? NO!

"[Love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV

So here is my ultimate question...why are we keeping a record of wrongs against The Church? I am so tired of hearing sermons and remarks about how screwed up The Church is from other believers. The Church is Christ's bride. He loves her unconditionally. He loves Her so much He died for Her and for others who He wants so badly to believe on Him and become a part of Her. If I was caught up in sin, my husband would be concerned, but would never stop loving me. And if he heard another bad-mouthing me, it would hurt his heart to hear it, but He would stand up for me. I can only imagine how Jesus feels about us bad-mouthing The Church, His bride and His body.

"And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and members individually." 1 Corinithians 12:26-27 NKJV

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones." Ephesians 5:29-30 NKJV

When we speak ill of the body of Christ, we are speaking ill of Christ. He is the head and we are the body. He is a part of us and we are a part of Him. If we are members of the Church then why do we constantly point fingers and poke holes in the Church's behavior? I am not saying that there aren't flaws, I just choose to cover them in love and build up and not tear down because the Bible says to.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8 NIV

Last night at CIA, Pastor Rochelle brought a powerful message about the Lord's Supper and Pastor Darnell highlighted something that I never thought of before regarding this

verse:

"Take eat; this is My body which is broken for you; do this in remembrance of Me." 1 Corinthians 11:24b

We can take the words "remembrance" or "to remember" and break it a part into RE-MEMBER=to put something back together. To re-assemble. Pastor Rochelle and Darnell made it a point to let us know that every time we partake in the Lord's Supper, each member of the body of Christ is coming together in unity to form the body of Christ. We are "re-membering"

ourselves. In unity. In love.

I am reminded of this:

"I see your Church, all rising up in power

Laying down their lives in unity and love

I hear the sound of every tribe and nation

Giving glory to Jesus Christ the Son.."

(lyrics from the song "Do It Lord")

Are we going to lay down our lives for one another (there is no greater love) or are we going to point fingers just as the Accuser wants us to as he dismembers us? We know together we are stronger! Are we going to choose to build up or tear down? Let us re-member and remember what the Lord did for us as He laid down His life for us so that we may have everlasting life forever with Him in heaven together.

Be blessed.

Peace&Love.

Emily

Enough to heal

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction.
He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be.
On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings. 
Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol
I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :)
The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know...
Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God.
Love&peace.
Em


Neglecting my safe haven...

I remember when I first started this blog. Almost 2 years ago.

I used it to contemplate and express the wonders of life.

It's cool to look back and see God's grace in my life.

Hence the title... :)

I can point back to that every time. God's grace.

I haven't been writing like I used to. Maybe I am intimidated by all the actual contemplation that really does go on in my head when I write. Maybe I'm afraid to let go and lose control of my thoughts or even to be still for a moment and allow myself to drift off. Probably...

I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot lately. It's funny when God places someone in your life that is just like you and completely different all at the same time. ie, my hubs. lol

He loves that I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but sometimes when I try to express to him what is going on in my big ol' plate-of-spaghetti-brain (woman's brain analogy given to me at a Marriage workshop...man's brain is like a waffle-compartmentalized and structured in thought) he ends up confused with where I was going with it.

And then I realize how important it is for women to have other women friends. We know how each other think. Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense, we just know what it means. lol Now THAT doesn't make much sense. :)

Because of the current of life, a lot of my friends have moved on (both literally and figuratively). And I'm left hanging onto the friendship we had in the past. Then I wonder why something seems missing...it's because the distance that has been placed between us has created a gap in our knowledge of each other and who we are becoming. And then a part of me wants to say: "well, it's not like I have any friends."

I know that isn't true and that sometimes things change when you get married. But almost all of my girlfriends that I still "stay in touch" with have their own lives and I'm not physically present in theirs' anymore.

Maybe that is just the place I'm in right now. Maybe when our lives shift, the idea of friendships change. We no longer "spend the night" and stay up all night and talk about crushes and our guilty pleasures. Maybe we are just "there" for one another when we need someone to call.

I don't know. Guess just another one of my recent revelations.

Maybe I am a lone ranger when it comes to friendships. I don't HAVE to be surrounded at all times, but when I am, it is a nice bonus.

So here is to all my dear friends...wherever you are. Even when I'm not there with you, know that I think about all of you often.

Peace & Love.

God's been dealin' with me...

Last week was rough.

Rough mentally, spiritually, physically.

Just plain rough.

The week started off great: Paul and I BOTH got off of work early and got some amazing quality time together. Just being goofy with each other and loving every minute!

But then Tuesday hit. Ugh. Traffic was horrible going into work and leaving. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Paul was already home and because of a stupid bill that I wasn't expecting, I got upset and fast. I wanted to do nothing but run. Physically run. So before I could even greet Paul, I rushed to put on my work out clothes and get ready to run through the tears. Didn't know why I was so upset. It wasn't my hormones. I just was burn out I guess.

And then when I thought things would get better because it was a new day, a trainwreck happened mid-movie time with Paul Wednesday night.

You see, there's a time in my life that Paul knows little about. He's heard stories, mostly negative (because I was bitter), and seen pictures. But his opinion of this time in my life is solely based on those things because he didn't know me at this time in my life. It's hard for my re-newed mind to grasp things of my past. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't fit any more. I found out that a local theatre company is producing a favorite show of mine (a show that I've done before) and I freaked! Something deep down inside me wanted this opportunity again. I knew from experience, Paul has a hard time understanding this part of my life. So I bi-passed him and called my mom. Bad call, but I wanted validation! I was going to do this show even if it cost me precious time with Paul!


I was getting myself deeper in a big ol' mess and I didn't seem to see it!

I see it now.

I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how my decision would affect someone else's life. We barely get to see each other as it is. I said some hurtful things to him as I was fighting to hold onto MY wants and MY desires. Also, I was comparing a person to a thing. God blessed me with a relationship...a MARRIAGE...something I never had when I did theatre. Mostly because it's hard to balance them at the same time and still come out with a healthy marriage and feel satisfied in other aspects of your life because they take SO MUCH TIME. I look back on it now and see how I let shows fill a void in my heart. I sought out happiness from something that could only bring me that for a short period of time. Happiness is temporary because it is based on what HAPPENS. Joy is something that exists inside you and you can't explain why you are so blessed or full of life. I used my hyper-involvement in theatre as a means for an escape from my pain and loneliness. I'm not lonely or hurting any longer. Praise God!

To ignore the talents God gave me would be a sin, but I have yet to stop using them since I've stopped performing in plays and musicals. I've done numerous dramas and I am one of praise team members at Faith Church! My feet have yet to leave the stage. God never took it away from me. He just shut some doors that He knew weren't good for me anymore. He shut the door to my involvement in theatre by decreasing my passion for it. And for some, that would be a horrible thing. But for me, it needed to happen. I was so obsessed with it, that I didn't have time for God or anyone or anything else. And let's not forget about my PRIDE issue. Whew, I was full of myself...


I figured if God wants me to go back to the secular stage, He will make it blatantly obvious. I thought that this last interest was it, but that was based on past experiences and it ended up creating a wall between Paul and I. How could I allow that to happen to the biggest blessing God has given me?

I can't and I won't.

So God has been dealing with me about selfishness. I found an article on Boundless.org (a Focus on the Family website) entitled "The Shock to Our Selfishness" by Heather Koerner. Heather writes about how the shock to our selfishness is initiated by marriage itself. God is asking us to put aside our needs and wants to make room to focuse on others' needs/wants. The blessing that comes from that kind of lifestyle is amazing.

Still workin' on it...

Peace&Love.

Going along with the changes, but not agreeing with it.

My eyes have been opened up to many new things lately...especially in regards to my faith and things surrounding the spiritual realm. Not to sound like a big ol' wack-job, but my life has gotten a little taste of things that are unseen and almost unspoken about. I've never believed in ghosts, but always knew that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against prinicipalities and rulers of darkness" as Apostle Paul put in in the Bible. So there are reasons for certain distasters and diseases and creepy feelings/noises in "haunted" houses. (none of which are from God). And when you die, your spirit does not linger here on Earth. There is no such thing as purgatory. You live in eternity in either heaven or hell. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Whether that be your job, your family, your life....

But the GREAT news is that God turns all of that around and uses it for GOOD!

Anyway, because of this new-found knowledge, my faith has grown stronger. Now that I know what we are up against, I know that I need to strengthen my faith and put on the full armor of God. We ARE in the mist of a spiritual warfare, whether you want to believe it or not. We must not walk by what we see, but what we believe to be true!

All this talk about thousands of teachers in the US loosing their jobs (around 17,000 just in IL) and the new healthcare reform bill, gets me thinking that one must look to something bigger than ourselves! We MUST! The government can't take care of us anymore. If they ever could. Heck, we are losing our freedom left and right. Our God is a god of more than enough and a god of over-abundance....these new changes in our society and government do not bring the word abundance to mind...well, not in the positive light any way.

And back to the teachers cut topic, I can now see why God had asked me to back down on going back to school to get certified to teach theatre. If we don't have enough money to fund a math teacher or an english teacher, how would we EVER have enough federal compensation for theatre?! Not to mention how much debt one gets into when they sign up for MORE student loans! I already owe close to $25,000 and I don't even use my degree completely at my job (how many more people can say that...come on you english lit majors!). But God will continue to take care of me even if my decision to attend college and study theatre was completely done selfishly and carelessly. I never took time to pray about it. I just did what FELT good. Faith isn't based on feelings, but I cannot kick myself any longer. What's done is done and I may not be where I am today if I didn't transfer schools or choose certain paths. Heck, I wouldn't have a testimony to share with others about how AMAZING our God is and was to me during that dark time of seperation from Him!

So...just letting certain topics sink in and not go around ignorant. I like to find answers to what is going on around us. Seek and ye shall find!

Peace&Love.

My heart grows soft...

I've been listening to a lot of Christian music lately. Luckily St. Louis is getting a stronger signal for Joy FM and it will soon reach 2.7 million people on 99.1 (the classical station we now know of). But I realized how God will speak to you through the lyrics of these songs. I find the Fireproof soundtrack hits home more often than not. "Love is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield and "The Words that I would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets are two that bring a tear to my eye everytime I hear them.

I can see God using this music to keep my heart tender. Tender towards myself, towards strangers, tender towards situations that are out of my control...

And boy do I need it!

I find myself getting really tense and on defense-mode when my hormones decide to go crazy once a month. I know every woman deals with this on many levels, but we should have some control over how we react when that time comes. This has been my biggest challenge the past few years. I've gotten much better over the past year. Not as many panic attacks or 'freak out' moments. That's good right? :) Not to say that I'm not tempted to go that direction. Believe me, there are some folks I come into contact that test my patience more than I would like.

But again, it's this music that I listen to on a daily basis that keeps my heart and head in check. And I find myself needing it more than before. I hear God asking me to "relax" and to stop thinking about the things that have gone WRONG and look for what is going RIGHT. To stop judging my progress with those around me. And the training that I received had me doing that ALL THE TIME! How can I be better than my competition? This is my "type"...how can I stand out above all of them and look more beautiful, be more talented? And then I try to understand why I'm comparing myself to everyone all the time. My degree forced me to do that every day. *Sigh*

Any way, I'm not my degree. I'm Emily. Made in God's image. That's it.

Peace&Love.

Enjoying the time in between.

When we have goals that we are striving to reach, the hardest part is the time in between. The waiting can sometimes drive us crazy and we seem to be moving so slowly towards our destination.

But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!

Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.

So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.

But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!

Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.

Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.

Wants and desires gone astray

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

when life gets simple...

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

Out on a limb.

A couple months ago I came across an old close friend's twitter account page. This "old friend" blocked me out of their life in all areas socially. We live about 1200 miles away from each other so there was already physical distance between us. But the last time we spoke was back in early June 2008. He just stopped calling and stopped answering my texts and phonecalls. Then all of a sudden I was off of his top friends on myspace (this was a huge deal back then, lol) then deleted from myspace, then deleted from facebook. He never responded to messages or emails and I even went out on a limb and mailed him a handwritten letter. But he had basically fallen off the face of the earth. This hurt my heart so much because we spent so much of our time talking to each other. I remember calling him every night straight for 9 or so months. I even spent extra loan money on a trip to visit him to see him in person for the first time in over 2 years.

We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)

So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.

So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?

I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.

Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.

Peace & Love.

A place called "there."

I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?

For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."

And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...

My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...

My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!

Another area that needs working...
My mind.

I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.

I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.

This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.

Have a blessed weekend my friends.

Peace & Love.

Week 2 of this out of town business...

Updated: 7/29/09....COVINGTON PLACE WAS A CRAP-HOLE!!! DON'T RENT THERE!!!!

Well, day 3 in week number 2 of Paul's adventure 3 hours away from me and I'm missing him like crazy...as usual.

To keep my mind off of that, I've been gearing up for the next step in my life and our life together. I got pre-approved for an apartment in South County which is not even 5 seconds from the South County Mall...woohoo! It's really cute and totally in our price range.





A pic of the living room and a little of the dining area and kitchen...


Here's the lovely in-ground pool and fitness center...

There are sooo many good things about it. Only 20 minutes from work. About 10 minutes from church! And did I mention it was like 5 SECONDS from the Mall!!! :) So many great places around to eat. Still gotta find out where the nearest grocery store is, but at this point, I've 2 right by my work so that wouldn't be a huge deal whatsoever. There's access to the pool, fitness center, and tanning bed. Awesomeness.

I feel like such a grown-up. I got approved all by myself. No co-signer or anything! That makes me feel really good about myself.

So I've been making lists upon lists of necessities. I feel like I've lived this life before...Ana knows what I'm talking about...planning for LA was an ordeal and a half and I visited craigslist on a regular basis.

But now the big question is when? When do I move forward to start this new life? I wanted to do September, but I feel like God is putting it on my heart to wait until October only to make it easier on the both of us. I'd get one more month to put some more dough back for the wedding/honeymoon. That is a constant thing on my brain. Constant. By the end of August, I'll have plenty, but always want a cushion. *Sigh*

Keep pushing forward.

Peace and Love.

Having another one of those...

growing-up-sucks-moments.

I'm also extremely hormonal so that does not help either.

I'm not going to try to complain in this post, but TRY to just talk.

I have had massive headaches, all-day-long headaches, for the past month and on and off again headaches for probably the past 4. I know that there are several reasons for these headaches, stress, caffeine withdrawls, lack of water, lack of sleep, poor diet, and finally have figured out the big one...old lenses prescription...7 years old. No wonder I have had these headaches! My eyes are like..."You idiot! We are so tired...what are you doing to us??!!!"

So I stayed home today to rest those strained eyeballs and get an eye exam scheduled ASAP. Because lenses are so friggin expensive, I've got to dip into my savings, which is for the wedding. And that is where my stress comes from...saving up for the biggest day of my entire life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm having trouble with saving up. I spend 300 is gas alone every month just to get to work. I'm still commuting and it is the one thing I loathe more than anything. I'm staying in New Baden just to save on money because of rent issues. *Sigh*

Meanwhile in the land of Emily Rose...my brain sends me around in circles. When I end up talking to Paul about it, I sound crazy because I repeat myself without meaning to. It also doesn't help because I'm constantly wishing I was younger. I find myself wanting to go back to the days where all I had to worry about was waking up to go to class. Maybe as humans we are never satisified with our circumstances. And that's where I get the most frustrated. I was so happy to graduate last May and leave the stress of college behind me. What about being happy to leave the stressful auditions behind me as well? Several months ago, I would have killed to have a job and save me from my facebook and blogging boredom. Not to mention the nanny days...boooorrrrinnggg....

And yet, here I sit, whining about how I hate being a grown-up. How I miss summer vacation. How I miss performing in Disney's High School Musical with everyone. How I miss listening to music and journaling all day long. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because it's July and I should be swimming and playing outside. I have experienced full-time work for the first time in my life and I got so caught up in that, that I almost forgot it was summer. Sitting in an office at a computer was not what I wanted for my life, but it's what will do for now as we save up for a life together. *Sigh* Do we all wish to be kids again? I love having Paul. If I could have that and be a kid at the same time, I think that would be my idea of heaven. And maybe that's what heaven is like. A life as a child with no stress or worldly obligations such as work, bills, or health problems.

Yes, I'm having one of those days today. Questioning my future. Questioning my desires. Questioning myself and my passions. Putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God knows best. It's just so difficult to sit "here" when you want to be "there." Wherever "there" is...I have no idea.

Another day goes by...

Catching my breath.

So my life seems to have been running out ahead of me as I trail behind it yelling "Hey! Wait for me!!!"

Let's just say life got shoved into hyper-drive in the matter of a few weeks. And I now know the meaning of ADULTHOOD......WORK. Yes, yes...it's what I do now. And it feels really good, but at the same time I definitely don't feel like a kid any more. I may not have my own place, but there are things that I go without now that used to be at the center of my life because I had the freedom to do pretty much whatever I wanted if it was outside of theatre and the classroom.

I now understand why the weekends are so precious to so many working individuals. You need it! To catch your breath, to relax your body and mind. To rejuvinate before Monday comes learing around the corner. I truly love my new job. I'm good at it (not to sound too proud). But I give all the glory to my Maker for giving me the brains to be an amazing multi-tasker, organizer, and number-cruncher! I never thought I would enjoy working in an office, but it's perfect for a person like me who needs constant mind stimulation. Acting was good emotional stimulation, but now that I have God and Paulie, I've gotten that taken care of. I never had to use my thinking skills, my mind, my brain to dive into acting. I mean, yes, I had to use my mind pychologically. It was challenging emotionally, but it was never really the REAL mental challenge (not mentally challenged, lol...mental challenge...one that can be overcome...lol) I needed. I haven't had to use these math, communication, and organizational skills since I was in high school. College was stressful only because I was never stimulating my whole mind and never pushed it to where I know it could go because of how God made me.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up" (professionally speaking), but I do know I'm called to be a servant of God, a strong and compassionate wife, and a loving mother. And it looks like I'm headed down the right path so far. :) I love being Paul's fiance. I couldn't ask for a better title (well, until 'wife' comes along in 8 months...). I love him with all of my heart and love sharing my life experiences with someone so precious and amazing like Paul.

I also don't know if/when I will go back to theatre. I'm still performing all the time at church. Singing in the youth band and performing as "POW" the superhero bible character (lol...never thought I would ever say that word combonation) for the children's ministry. It's more fulfilling than any of those characters I have played in the past because I'm impacting children's lives and their walk with God. What could be more meaningful than that? Definitely better than cussing someone out or stripping on stage. Drenched with pride and arrogance and confused out of my mind as to what is right and wrong. Wondering why I didn't get the part because "I'm so much prettier and talented than her!" My goodness have I come a long way from that life. Thank God that He loves me enough to not let me stay the same and to constantly change me.

Anyway, I guess I was feeling in a writing mood today. I just wanted to reflect a little bit on how far I've come.

I'm full of the fruits of the Spirit today as I remember what today is. Our Savior died for us on this Good Friday and He is Risen and we get to celebrate it all this weekend! Praise the Lord! I feel so loved. Warm and fuzziness. :)

I hope you all have a beautiful Easter weekend!

Peace & Love.

Searching from the inside...

So I've come to realize that I no longer can look to what I do to define who I am. I can't really claim to be an actress anymore. Because that would require me to work towards that identity every day. And frankly, I haven't done much to further my career in quite some time. It's not that I got lazy, I just had other things and experiences that became more important to me.

I guess above all, my time has been spent at Faith Church. And because of that lifestyle choice, I know more about what it means to be a Christian. I've totally submersed myself in the mentality of a Christian and the life-decisions and actions of a Christian. I know there is always more that I could do: read my Bible and pray for longer periods of time and stop criticizing how other Christians are doing on their walk. I want nothing more than to do good and help others.

I guess when nothing's wrong, I find myself (because of habit) looking for error, looking for lack. My finances could be better, but the money is on it's way. The perfect job is on it's way. I just need to do more about looking for it. Right now, I have 2 tutoring jobs and a nanny job on Fridays. It's enough to get me by. But I want to use more of my time to make an impact on someone's life.

*sigh*

Anyhoo. Life is at a good pace. Nothing sucking, nothing too crazy. I'm in love and enjoying each day.

Peace & Love.

Who are you living for?

This morning's message at Faith Church was centered around the concept of pride. Immediately my ears perked up and I felt God's hand on my heart. I had just apologized to a very dear friend of mine because of my lack of listening. I never thought I was full of pride though. And I was in for a very rude awakening this morning.

Every interuption, every "story-topper," every eagerness to talk about MY problems, all of this is centered in pride. And this is the main reason some people in this world are terrible listeners. When I'm listening to a friend's story, I hear it, but I don't fully listen to it because I'm too busy thinking how this particular story relates to my life or what I'm going to say next. By the time they've finished, or if they even get to finish because I might interupt them, the topic moves to something that pertains to my own life and not theirs. Why is that? I love people. I have a big heart full of love for every human being who crosses paths with me...so why am I so self-involved? I believe it's because I'm so worried about understanding myself that it's not enough for my own self to figure it out, I must go to others to discuss it with them in hopes that they can help me figure it out. But that is so selfish! I'm not getting down on myself, but I know this a major flaw of mine. And God was holding up the mirror this morning. I needed to hear this message.

Now, I've realized the deeper I grow in my faith, the more I see how fragile life can be and how quick it can pass you by. I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and wanting so badly to learn how to live in the present, but it wasn't until I realized there was a huge lacking in my relationship with God, that I began to see life so differently. I no longer have to TRY to live in the present, I just live it. I just am. I just exist...I be. I don't think a book, especially that of the world, can teach you how to take advantage of every precious moment. So since I've come into this new lifestyle, I've become at peace and with less worry. It is a major blessing. And I wonder why so many people are so opposed to God? I am open about my faith on here and in daily conversations and I get the same thing: "Oh, that's just not my thing. I'm not really into that..."

Well, I have to ask...WHAT ARE YOU INTO? WHO ARE YOU LIVING FOR? WHY DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

I actually asked this question to someone a few weeks ago because I sensed their pain. They told me that they were living for themselves? "Is it a crime to love oneself?" they asked me. It's good to be comfortable with who you are, but you should not make yourself the center of your own universe. I'm learning how to reach out to others and forget about my own petty troubles. Believe me, I'm working on it as much as possible. But most people who walk in pride don't even know they are walking it it! Be glad that you notice the problem...it means you can work towards fixing it! There are many people out there seriously hurting, but some of us (including myself) are so focused on our own agendas sometimes that we completely miss their cries for help.

I don't understand how some people don't see that there is something MUCH BIGGER than us out there. America's economy is failing. There is no doubt about it. Americans are worshipping the money god and OUR GOD is trying to wake us up by allowing this failing economy to happen. How do you get a child's attention that is so engrossed in the TV? You unplug it! God is just unplugging the money machine because He wants us to wake up and see that He is in charge! It makes me sick how we are all worried about Lindsey Lohan's potential lesbian partner or that so-and-so got kicked off of American Idol. When you really take the time to think about it...it's almost pathetic. No wait, it is pathetic. I've been guilty of it too. I'll include myself in all the mix. But I no longer want to live for this system. Because the world's system is failing. I'm switching systems...God's system. God will continue to provide even when you think it is all crumbling down around you. You lost your job? God will send something to you in time. Are you hungry and flat broke? Your grandpa will give you his last $3 to go buy a cheeseburger (happened to me the other day, no joke) and God will wink at you...if you choose to see life that way. Did your boyfriend cheat on you...did he break your heart? God will mend that broken heart and show you that the hole in your heart will be filled by Him, if you let Him. He will bring the man of your dreams into your life and you will be happier than you ever imagined. All of these things will happen to you if you have faith and believe! Miracles happen every single day. You will only notice them if you choose to believe in them. Open your eyes and see His glory around us!

How can you drift through life without something...someone to live for? Your self will eventually break down and you will be lost. I know someone who knows the way and He loves you so much. His name is J-E-S-U-S.

So what are you waiting for? There is a void in all of our hearts. That void will remain in your heart no matter how much you fill it with sex, drugs, alcohol, impulsive shopping...those things only feel good for a little while. God put that void there so we could fill it with Him. I don't know about you, but I want that void to remain full so that I can live my life with Peace, Joy, and Love.

I know this may sound weird, but I don't think that was all me speaking...God is good my friends.

I call you blessed.

Peace, Joy, & Love.

His Hands and Feet

I really can't remember where I was when I first heard this song, but I do remember it was in high school. Pastor David said something the other night that made me wake up. This song came to mind.

"Hands And Feet" by Audio Adrenaline

An image flashed across my TV screen
Another broken heart comes in to view
I saw the pain and I turned my back
Why can't I do the things I want to?
I'm willing yet I'm so afraid
You give me strength
When I say

[CHORUS:]
I want to be your hands
I want to be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'II go where you send me
[REPEAT]

And I try, yeah I try
To touch the world likeYou touched my life
And I find my way
To be your hands

I've abandoned every selfish thought
I've surrendered every thing I've got
You can have everything I am
And perfect everything
I'm not I'm willing,
I'm not afraid
You give me strength When I say

[CHORUS]

This is the lifetime I turned my back on you
From now on, I'll go so
Send me where You want me to
I finally have a mission
I promise I'll complete
I don't need excuses
When I am your hands and feet

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NeacJatGW8)


Now , after I think about these lyrics and I hear other words from certain people in my life, I finally understand what it means to "live your life for God and not yourself." I was telling this woman today about my life situation: I'm trying to move to LA in 5 months and I recently lost my job. After I lost my nanny job, I was asking God if He was trying to keep me here in St. Louis longer. And that has been my question for these past 2 weeks. Yes, I have faith that God will provide me with a wonderful job, but will I be forcing it all if I'm scrambling to save the money and not have a life in the meantime because I cannot afford to go anywhere but to my job? Peter Cocuzza told me to ask myself why I would want to post-pone this move. "Do not make this decision because of fear," he said. And this decision isn't founded in fear, it's founded in a quest for something more meaningful than my own desires and dreams. I have so many amazing opportunities arising every day with this new church and I keep thinking...how can I do any of these things if I am only here for 5 more months? This woman that I was talking to today is in charge of the youth at the church. She has been writing these dramas in hopes of someday having a chance to perform them, but there is a lack of performers. She heard I was an actress and her face just lit up. On top of that, I'm hearing God tell me to start a mentor program with the young girls in the youth group. They want me sing with the praise and worship band and perform in the Christmas and Easter Programs, and when they all hear that I'm moving in January, they get so bummed....and so do I.


I am finally finding myself and I don't know if I can move 1800 miles away in 5 months only to start looking for "Emily" all over again. This church makes me feel at peace. It strengthens my faith and it feels like home to me.

I spoke to this woman about my situation and she simply said, "When it's God, it's easy. You shouldn't have to work that hard if it's meant to be. And you know, you've been the center of your own story for so long, and now God is asking you to be at the center of His story." This hit me so hard and made me truly listen to what she was telling me. The mere fact that I had never said more than 2 words to this woman before, and she opened my eyes and ears to God's requests was absolutely heaven-sent. He really does send us angels to set us straight.

So all of this has given me more to think about and pray over. Will I be moving to LA? Yes. But will I be moving to LA in 5 months? Only God knows this right now. So if you could, please pray for me while I'm figuring out what God wants me to do and where He needs me the most.

I'm reminded of another song:

"Take me" by Daniel's Window

I saw the mountain side
I saw the mountain side
And I said, “It’s too high to climb”

I felt the pouring rain
I felt the pouring rain
And I know I’ll never be the same

I humbly come before you with my head bowed and my knees bent
My soul is drowning in this sea of doubt
I need You to hold me tonight

Take me Break me
show me what to do
Take me Shape me
teach me to be like you

I heard a silent cry
I heard a silent cry
And it came from deep inside

Take me Break me
show me what to do
Take me Shape me
teach me to be like you

I saw the mountain side
I saw the mountain side I saw the mountain side
And I know I can climb that high

Take me Break me
show me what to do
Take me Shape me
teach me to be like you



Peace, Love, and Joy.

Everything has it's purpose...

So, I don't necessarily like discussing bad news on here, but I lost my nanny j0b last week. I didn't do anything wrong (just was myself), the kids just didn't like me and we didn't really connect. So the dad decided to let me go and look for someone else. And I've been job hunting since Monday. Making calls and sending resumes like crazy...TRYING to catch a bite. But it will all happen when it happens. "If it's God today, it's gonna be God tomorrow," according to Pastor David. And so I've been letting that be my mantra through all of this.

But aside from all of that financial mess, I've been finding solace in other important matters of life. I have had more time to spend working out during the day and hang out with my dear friends at night. I've gotten a couple chances to watch movies, which hasn't happened since the last time I was looking for a job. I attend church at least 3 times a week and absolutely love it! It's been a major blessing to my life thus far and I look forward to Tuesdays and Sundays most definitely.

I think what has been weighing heavy on my heart lately is my move to LA. Since there are certain factors that are changing up my plan, I've really searched my heart for what I really truly want to do with my talents that God has given me. I know LA has been on that list for over a year now and that things are lining up just perfectly, but some things aren't lining themselves up and some things are rearranging themselves on me. I'm feeling so at home with this church and the idea of moving 1800 miles away from it really saddens me. I know Pastor David will be online and my mom can always mail me the DVDs, but a part of me doesn't think that will be the same at all. The fact that I don't really have anything saved up yet and that I don't have a job to save that kind of money also is troubling me. I know I will find a new job, but I've been feeling this deadline that I'm not meeting and I feel like a failure because of that.

Wow, that sounds kinda like a bummer...I'm really truly in a good place right now, I'm just thinking a lot about all of this lately.

There are really awesome things happening in my life that I truly have longed for for so long and the idea of moving 1800 miles away from it all makes me question if right now is the right time to make this move. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm not using my abilities that God has blessed me with and that I have aquired through my college education. The artist in me is starving for work and St. Louis is lacking that kind of work. Community theatre and small film projects can only hold me over for so long before I wanna go for the fancy feast of REAL THEATRE and REAL FILM PROJECTS. That definition is only available in my mind because it is based on my own experiences and opinions.

I've also kind of started dating again and a part of me wants to just go have fun and not get too involved, but the passionate side of me wants a deep, meaningful connection with a man. When I feel as if that could possibly happen with someone, I immediately feel as if I need to back away from the situation before anyone gets hurt. Should I even mention my move? Because if I do, what if they don't even wanna bother with me because they feel like it would be a waste of energy? But what about a long distance relationship? Wouldn't that be forcing it? So why don't I just avoid dating altogether? But what if "he" really IS here in St. Louis? What if God is just giving me another difficult situation that He KNOWS I will overcome and be amazingly happy in the end that I stuck with it? *Sigh* This is what goes on in the ol' noggin. Haha.

Yeah, I think too much. But that's me.

Anyway, I'm off to a coffee date with a VERY charming young man who has captured my attention only after knowing him 10 minutes. An amazing 3 hour phone conversation followed that night and I smile at the possibilities. But I'm not going to get in way too deep this time. I have patience this time. And I also have a really awesome friend who keeps me in check every time I think I might do or say something dumb...God's pretty awesome like that.

Love, Peace, and Joy my friends.