Enough to heal

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction.
He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be.
On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings. 
Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol
I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :)
The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know...
Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God.
Love&peace.
Em


Taking my mind off of the issue.

That has been the challenge this weekend. Long weekends are a blessing for ultimate relaxation, but with someone such as me, my brain can continuously run laps if I'm dealing with some difficult issues.

Not to get too into details, Paul and I decided to leave our church. It was probably the most challenging thing I have ever had to do. And yet, I know without a shadow of doubt in my heart, that it was the right thing to do...follow my husband no matter what.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to sing. I adored my position on the praise team. Letting the team know of our decision was also very difficult. Walking away from people you care about doing the something you care about, is so hard. But I have to remember that I follow God no matter what. God is stretching me and our marriage in a big way. So for the past few days, I have felt a little hazy and somewhat out of place.

I have been reading this book by Craig Groeschel and have found that it has helped me stay focused on what really matters...

Good read most definitely. There was a quote from the author about his life as a Christian Atheist that really struck a chord...

‎"My service was never enough. And as my love for ministry burned hotter, my passion for Christ cooled..."

Wow... That is all I can say. I can look back and see the same mentality in serving at Faith Church. I was so wrapped up in the worship team, that I sometime neglected my own relationship with Jesus. That is a HUGE revelation for me.

So Sunday morning Paul and I went to church (Twin Rivers off of Tesson Ferry...seriously 5 minutes from our apartment!) TOGETHER for the first time in our marriage. Woke up together, got dressed together, rode together, and SAT together throughout the ENTIRE service. Some may take that for grant it. It was really nice. I really like it there and so does Paul. The hardest thing for me though is the worship ministry...VERY different from Faith Church. They have a choir and 5 lead vocalists up front. And all of them were all over 35-4o years old. :( So I couldn't see a place for me up there, but then I realized that church and a true connection at a church is not about the music ministry. Worship was amazing any way. I may not have to be up on the stage to truly enjoy worship....it may even be better for me not to be actually.

So that was hard for me to swallow since I have such a heart for singing. Maybe God will use my abilities in a different way as time goes on. I think for now, he wants me to put all of my focus on Him and also focusing on having Christ at the very core of our marriage even more so than we had originally thought it was!

So another chapter begins...and more changes occur...

And that is FAITH!

Peace&Love.

Em

Chillaxin'

Mmmm....new Ray LaMontagne album. Perfect for chillaxin' this Friday night.

Just waiting for Paulie to get home from his FIFTEEN HOUR DAY! Yeah, he's my Superman most definitely. 12 hours in over-time this week. That's 12 hours times time and a half. Woot woot. Favor and blessing! Praise God. 2010 is absolutely NOTHING like 2009. It's been an Ephesians's 3:20 year most definitely.

Had a great time getting to know a new gal friend today/tonight. Our late lunch began at 3:30pm and I didn't drop her off to her car until 9:45pm! Guess we have things in common! lol We walked around the Loop in STL and tried on some cute clothes at their awesome boutiques. Just girlie stuff. And I loved it!

It's always fun to get to know new people. Definitely feel like God is trying to build up new friendships for this new season in my/our life. Her boyfriend is very similar to Paulie too, so that will make for fun double dates! Love it!!! :)

Anyway, Paulie got home and now it's cuddle time.

Happy girl...

Peace&Love.

Em

Icky.

Yesterday is a blur. Mostly because I slept the majority of it once I got home from work. I think I saw Paul for about an hour total last night. He got home late (as usual) and I was semi-conscious when he came in the bedroom where I laid coughing my head off.

I honestly hate feeling weak. I can confess that "I'm healed in Jesus' name" til I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't make the symptoms suck any less.

Because of the cough and icky sticky mucus in my throat, I can't sing this weekend at church. As a singer, if you can't use your voice, it drives you nutty! Oh well...at least my ears still work so I can still listen to music. That would suck royally if those weren't working too!

I think I'm also getting to the point of my favorite part of the month...hormonal imbalance! Grrrreat!!! lol I was on a call today talking to a patient about how unfair/unjust health insurance companies are and I was so frustrated by the end of the call, that I started crying! Thankful I am in the office alone today. I regained composure and got on with the rest of my day. Is it Friday yet???

I could say that I just need rest, but that is just dumb since I spent a total of 14 hours in bed last night.

Maybe burnt out at work? Who knows...

I will leave you with this awesome video...maybe watching it will help me boost up my day and hopefully your's too!

Peace&Love.

Em

Transition or just not caring anymore? Babbling, etc...

Ok, ok...It has been awhile since I sat down and just wrote out my random thoughts. I needed to bad today.

Today was a long day at work. Kept hacking up gunk and coughing...not pretty. But all in all, I feel alright. My awesome hubs gave me his upper respiratory infection. But that's what you get when you sleep next to someone and they breathe, sneeze, or cough in your face. lol Germs are gonna be there.

The biggest bummer? I got asked to sing a special song for the women's meeting at Faith Church for Friday (which this is the first time I've even been asked) and I don't know if my voice is gonna be in the best shape to belt out a Britt Nicole tune. :/ Oh well, maybe next time...

Any way...reason for the title: realized very recently that my friendships shifted quite a bit and I'm left wondering if I'm purposely transitioning or did I reach a point of not caring?

So many of my friends from the past several years have seemed to fall off the face of the Earth and when I do get a chance to see them, it seems like I don't know them anymore. It's a sad reality when you discover this. But at the same time, it allows me to see the changes that I have made in my own life to be going down a better path than I was living a few years ago.

Kinda funny how most of my blog entries are about this very topic, but it's hard to grasp when you are constantly moving and transitioning.

Random: I love PANDORA. Especially when you put on stations like Iron & Wine and Schuler Fisk. Been diving back into my folk/indie/acoustic stuff again. Paul can't stand it, but I still love him. :)

Before I end this one, I have to admit that I have been building up a list of things I want without even realizing it...I never built up a list because I was always an impulsive shopper-trying to break that habit at the knees. But since I am a budgeter, planner, and list-maker, I began to figure out how to save up for some things that I have my eye/mind on:

1. custom molded in-ear monitors (whole process costs a little over $500)http://ultimateears.com/en-us/products/4-pro

2. better camera that doesn't make the pictures look like we are in a dark room

3. 1940s style dress for Crystal's wedding (September 24th) with cute pumps to match

4. new coffee table and side tables (around $100 at Weekends Only)

5. new/used dresser and chest of drawers instead of the kid-sized ones we have now

We got our Dyson, so we crossed that off of the list.

Yeah, I can tell I haven't sat down and wrote in awhile. I'm definitely feeling random lately.

Anyway...

Peace&Love.

Em

Drainage...

The past few days have been kinda rough mentally. I hate to be a downer but it's the truth. I feel beaten up. No. I have FELT beaten up.

Today is better. Actually a lot better.

I have felt like I was up and down a lot over the last few days. Major chemical imbalances and whatnot. I don't like it when I feel out of control. When I get like that, I want to close my eyes and sleep it away. But I know that isn't healthy at all. Paul had to keep kickin my butt out of bed yesterday and literally tickled me out of bed. I don't know what I would do without him honestly...

I had made some great confessions after I found out some good news and by the end of the day I felt so defeated. Complete stolen peace actually...

The fantastic news is that my dad's house is no longer my issue/problem. Since January, I have been battling lawyers, court systems, and mortgage companies. Not many people even knew I was dealing with all of it. I usually put it out of my mind after I was figuring out what I was going to do. We decided to do a "deed in lieu" which means: we (my brother and I) sign over the deed to the mortgage company instead of foreclosing on the house. It's much easier just to wash our hands clean of it and hand it over to them. And now I can breathe knowing that part of my dad's estate is finally over with. Now just to get the funeral costs paid. At the time, I was 22, jobless, living with my grandpa, and in the process of a planning a wedding. I didn't have $5800 to pay for any of it. And our lawyer told us that we didn't have to. Lawyers will forever have a certain place in my heart and it's not a warm place. He was PARTIALLY right, but never did anything to help us with the paperwork and meanwhile, kept billing us for random phone-calls and emails. Thankfully that part of the estate is also over with...

So as I write this all out, I realize how much I try to take on without even thinking about it. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I was on the verge of tears constantly. I don't know what sane person would be able to take all of that on and still try to keep all the other aspects of their life afloat. But by the grace of God, I do. Couldn't do any of it without Him.

So here we are...FRIDAY. Thank the Lord. Paulie is working til 7 tonight and I'm going to try to relax for a little bit before he gets home I guess. It is pay day and all. Maybe I can pick myself up a cute little sundress or something. Oh the little things...

Neglecting my safe haven...

I remember when I first started this blog. Almost 2 years ago.

I used it to contemplate and express the wonders of life.

It's cool to look back and see God's grace in my life.

Hence the title... :)

I can point back to that every time. God's grace.

I haven't been writing like I used to. Maybe I am intimidated by all the actual contemplation that really does go on in my head when I write. Maybe I'm afraid to let go and lose control of my thoughts or even to be still for a moment and allow myself to drift off. Probably...

I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot lately. It's funny when God places someone in your life that is just like you and completely different all at the same time. ie, my hubs. lol

He loves that I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but sometimes when I try to express to him what is going on in my big ol' plate-of-spaghetti-brain (woman's brain analogy given to me at a Marriage workshop...man's brain is like a waffle-compartmentalized and structured in thought) he ends up confused with where I was going with it.

And then I realize how important it is for women to have other women friends. We know how each other think. Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense, we just know what it means. lol Now THAT doesn't make much sense. :)

Because of the current of life, a lot of my friends have moved on (both literally and figuratively). And I'm left hanging onto the friendship we had in the past. Then I wonder why something seems missing...it's because the distance that has been placed between us has created a gap in our knowledge of each other and who we are becoming. And then a part of me wants to say: "well, it's not like I have any friends."

I know that isn't true and that sometimes things change when you get married. But almost all of my girlfriends that I still "stay in touch" with have their own lives and I'm not physically present in theirs' anymore.

Maybe that is just the place I'm in right now. Maybe when our lives shift, the idea of friendships change. We no longer "spend the night" and stay up all night and talk about crushes and our guilty pleasures. Maybe we are just "there" for one another when we need someone to call.

I don't know. Guess just another one of my recent revelations.

Maybe I am a lone ranger when it comes to friendships. I don't HAVE to be surrounded at all times, but when I am, it is a nice bonus.

So here is to all my dear friends...wherever you are. Even when I'm not there with you, know that I think about all of you often.

Peace & Love.