CrAzY FAVOR IN 2010!

Last night's message hit me hard. Our pastor, Pastor Dave, and his wife Nicole are currently visting Joel Osteen's church, Lakewood Church in Houston. They've been asked to represent Lakewood as a sister church in the midwest. Pretty big stuff! They both hung out with Joel all day and toured all the in's and out's of Lakewood. They filmed promos for this new branch in his ministry and grew together in fellowship.

So while our pastors were in Texas, we had a great man of God speak into our lives last night at Faith Church's Tuesday night's service. Dennis Hammond's word was compelling and full of hope for the Body of Christ. He spoke about the amazing favor God's people are about to experience in this year...this DECADE! It's going to be ridiculous! And I believe it! God's people are going to see so much favor and blessing around them they won't know what to do with it! Checks are in the mail, promotions are coming, the right connections, the right jobs, the right spouses...they are on their way to those who believe!

So as I was chewing on this great word last night, my attention was brought to the favor I have already found in my life so far in 2010! Our tax return alone (seriously not bragging guys, just showing you how amazing God is) was jaw dropping and even left Paul's parents were scratching their heads. And aside from my student loan debt (which I pay more than the minimum payment every month), Paul and I have have lessened our debt below $300, we paid off 3 of his credit cards, 1 of mine, and now are working on 2 of mine which are both fairly low. And then yesterday I got our car insurance policy for the new term in the mail and they lowered the monthly payment by almost $60 for no reason! So with that and Paul's credit card bills gone, we are saving well over $100 every month. That's more money that we can give and more money to help us for various things that pop up. But when I see the greatest favor, I don't think of money or finances, but love.

How can I now be in awe of what God brought into my life? Although Paul and I have been together since 2008, things have seemed more honest, truthful, and passionate between us since we got married. Our love has reach a different level that I can't find the words to describe. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I ALWAYS have someone to pick me up at the end of a crappy day and he's always finding different ways to make me laugh. :)

I was talking to a friend's mom the other night at church at how I can't get over the change God is making in my life. And how much happier I am than most of my friends who are searching for some type of validation from the world. You don't need some random stranger to tell you you are talented or beautiful! Just believe it because God says you are! He LOVES you!!!!

Anyway, because of all the crappy relationships in my past, I can see that favor because God brought Paul into my life. It's perfect. I know we'll have our hard times down the road, but if anything, I think it's gotten easier since we got married. We fought more in the beginning (probably because I was in the midst of a heart change and was resisting it big time). But things are great and I'm so happy with where life is. Not to mention that God is STILL letting me be on stage and sing my heart out. I love it. Favor with that: one of 6 people selected from about 15 plus singers to perform at the Israel Houghton concert on Friday!!! Soooo.....EXCITEd!!!

Also SUPER SUPER SUPER happy for my friend Kelly who discovered her soulmate Josh a few weeks ago. I've known Kelly since we were 5. We grew up in the same church, played in band together, went through the same school system, and graduated together from Wesclin in 2004. Josh is a sweetheart to her and I'm so excited for the both of them. :)

Life is good.

Peace&Love.

Wants and desires gone astray

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

when life gets simple...

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

Out on a limb.

A couple months ago I came across an old close friend's twitter account page. This "old friend" blocked me out of their life in all areas socially. We live about 1200 miles away from each other so there was already physical distance between us. But the last time we spoke was back in early June 2008. He just stopped calling and stopped answering my texts and phonecalls. Then all of a sudden I was off of his top friends on myspace (this was a huge deal back then, lol) then deleted from myspace, then deleted from facebook. He never responded to messages or emails and I even went out on a limb and mailed him a handwritten letter. But he had basically fallen off the face of the earth. This hurt my heart so much because we spent so much of our time talking to each other. I remember calling him every night straight for 9 or so months. I even spent extra loan money on a trip to visit him to see him in person for the first time in over 2 years.

We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)

So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.

So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?

I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.

Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.

Peace & Love.

A place called "there."

I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?

For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."

And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...

My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...

My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!

Another area that needs working...
My mind.

I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.

I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.

This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.

Have a blessed weekend my friends.

Peace & Love.

Mmm...Bread Co soup...mmm...

I'm content. Sometimes it doesn't take much. And today's one of those days. :)

Paulie got off work early and he's snug in our bed and I'm relaxing the only way I know how. Writing. Just taking time to chill and not dwell on negatives or issues. Just relaxin.

I've been downloading Joyce Meyer's podcasts a lot lately. She makes me laugh. I love how blunt she is. And ironically, every message she speaks is for me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. It's nice to know that I'm not alone with my imperfections. And I've got a lot of 'em! But I'm workin' on it...

She's been talking a lot about spiritual maturity. The fruit and gifts of the spirit. It's awesome. She talks about how God blesses some of us with gifts like playing music/singing or photography or making awesome accessories like Jillian Pye! :) He gives us gifts for others' enjoyment, not for us to get jealous over. But not every one has those gifts. But He DOES give us all fruits. But we must DEVELOPE them to enjoy them. Good word, good word.

Any way, life is great. I'm happy. And Paul has been home for 7 days straight and it has been FANTASTIC!!! :) I have my hubby alllllll to myself.

I'm gonna share you one of my favorite pictures from the wedding. Thanks goes to Brittany Browers...

Brrrr....it's cold!

It's quite nippy outside, isn't it? (said with a cockny/British accent of course) haha.

I came into work this morning and froze my everything off because it was like 40 degrees in the office! It's been a nice easy day though and I almost feel like I'm at home catching up on odds and ends, but the cool thing is that I'm getting paid! :) I've got the space heater by my tootsies to try to keep them warm while my frozen fingers type away. As long as something is staying warm on my body, I'm okay.

So good news...Paulie's home! :) I'm going to enjoy this Friday night with him so much! I don't think he has to work in the morning either so this will be our 1ST Saturday that we get to sleep in together!!! 5 weeks of marriage and we finally get to enjoy that. So that's fun.

I can definitely sense the changes in the air with a lot of things in my life: work is getting easier for me (not as stressful), finances are becoming easier to handle, my pride level is at an all-time low lately in regards to singing with the praise team....

Now to discuss this one a bit further...
Because I have ALWAYS performed in front of people, I soaked up that applause like no one's business. Not to bring the glory to God, but to myself. This was a HUGE obstacle for me in 2009. HUGE. I got upset time and time again at rehearsals for the youth band or the Praise team because "I wasn't being noticed or recognized" for my ability. But it's taken so many prayers and time with God to get Him to break that off of me. "Take me, break me...show me what to do...Take me, shape me...teach me to be like You." (Daniel's Window) became my cry to God. And I'm feeling better about it all.

Last night's rehearsal was AWESOME. We even added 2 new singers to the mix and I was EXCITED about it. Normally I would get upset because I knew that it just meant I had to work even harder to get noticed. But it's not a competition. God hears everyone's voice, and He's not just interested in our voices, but our HEARTS. He can tell when you're faking it. When you're looking for the glory instead. And I pray all the time to be humbled. It's the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with. The world teaches us to seek fame and fortune. How many actors/performers/singers/musicians dream of that day when they can give their acceptance speech at the Grammy's/Oscar's/Tony's/Emmy's? I know I talked about it many times on here. Many many many. I wanted to be noticed for the gifts God blessed me with. And that seemed alright in my eyes...but I wanted the glory, the fame, the attention.

This is my new song...and I believe in EVERY word:
http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742244706842939

It talks about moving out of the way and letting God be seen through you. Becoming invisible so the audience sees Him. We're not supposed to want to out-shine God. We have to let others see His glorious and beautiful light. We are His hands and His feet and somtimes His voice. So if you are struggling with this issue of pride (with any gift God has given you) know that you are not alone. Just ask Him to humble you. Ask Him for help with your pride issues. And you will begin taking the finger off of yourself and pointing people to Him.

Peace and Love.

Have a fantastic weekend. Love you all.