For those who love me...

you will understand.

If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.

And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.

I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.

Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.

And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!

I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...

God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.

So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"

So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.

I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.

So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.

Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.

The best things in life aren't THINGS!

Jesus Placed the Highest Value on Relationships by Tom Holladay

Regarding life together and getting along with each other, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You’re God-taught in these matters. Just love one another! 1 Thessalonians 4:9 (MSG)

I don’t remember the time or the place or the conference, but the question the moderator asked has stuck in my mind. What I recall most vividly is the answer that immediately flashed into my thoughts.

Here is the question: Suppose you’re in a rubber life raft with a friend. You’re approaching an island. The raft is leaking, and you are within sight of land. In the raft with you are a set of signal flares, a week’s supply of canned food, and a five gallon container ofwater. You must throw one of these items overboard if you’regoing to make it to the island. Which one do you choose?

I have to admit, the first answer that hit me was “the friend.” Now don’t sit there with a pious “I’ve never thought anything like that” look! This silly thought that leaped into my mind was a reminder of how easy it is to value things over people. And who among us hasn’t struggled with that feeling?Priorities become most important when we must make choices. If we had enough time to do everything, everything could be a priority.

But we don’t have enough time to do everything. If we had the power to do every good thing we wanted to do, our choices wouldn’t be so important. But we can’t do every good thing we want to do. When Jesus spoke about the priority of relationships, he could not have been clearer. He taught that relationships must be given the highest of values."

I read this article this morning as one of my daily devotionals I receive through emails. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile now. But only because I WANT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS OVER THINGS! In Fall 2007, I trained myself to stop reaching out to others who didn't want my love and dove into thinking about my acting career 24/7. Ask any of my really close friends and they will tell you that I never shut up about LA. You should see my bookshelf! I have an entire shelf dedicated to books on the biz and acting. Thank you amazon.com! ;) For over a year, I turned my my mind and heart towards something that I could throw all of my passion and drive into only to realize just NOW that my career will NEVER love me back. Yes, I will have successes, but that's because of God's precious love, not the business' love.

Don't get me wrong, my calling to become an actress is still very important to me, but now that I have found true love (for REAL) from God, my family, my friends, and now most importantly Paul, I finally see the big picture. And it has nothing to do with my career. It has EVERYTHING to do with my very precious relationships. When I'm lying on my death-bed, I won't be holding my Oscar, but my dear ones' hands. Within the past 6 months, I have prioritized a lot of things (slowly but surely). God became number one again after about 4 years (thank you college) of being on and off the path. I do value higher education, but I don't like what it can do to young people's lives when they do not prepare themselves for it. If they are not careful, they can get strangled by society's timeline and by the world's opinions, morals, and standards.

I became someone else. I made decisions that compromised my morals and lived in a manic depressive state most of the time. The true Emily disappeared for a long time and I felt like I was going through life gasping for air. I'm so glad I can finally breathe again. That's what graduating was like. 17 years of strangling and struggling for a breath of air now over, a chance to make my own decisions for once, and the freedom to see life in a beautiful, STRESS-FREE light. I cannot express myself enough to you all how wonderful life is now that school (the institution of education NOT education itself) is not in my life.

I'm grateful for the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and I would be a fool if I did not pursue this career full force and use all of those talents and abilities to their fullest potential. But that pursuit with NEVER come before God, Paul, my family, my church, or my friends.
With that said, I have an audition tomorrow that will be my focus for most of the day, but when it doesn't need to be on my mind, I'll be using my time praying and thinking about Paul.

3 more days until I hold him in my arms. Thank God.

Peace & Love.

Open and Honest.

I am just going to go right out there and be completely open and honest about what has been going on in my mind lately...

Marriage.

Yes, I know, I haven't been with Paul very long to be thinking about this, but I am thinking about it. And I won't apologize for it. I'm not MAKING myself think about marrying him. I feel it in my heart with utter certainty that this is the most truthful thing I have ever believed in my entire life. And just as Genesis 1 & 2 discuss, God made man to have a counter-part...a woman, a wife. So I know that this longing is of God. The relationship itself is of God because neither one of us looked for each other. He was called to grow up in that church and I was called to eventually attend that church and to remain there for at least a year. I made my decision to stay in STL before I ever truly knew Paul. And now I see more than ever, that Paul was the reason I was supposed to stay. It is such a blessing and he is truly my gift from God.

My mom said something to me last night that really stood out to me: "Why do you care what other people think of you, Emily?"

She ran into a guy I had a huge crush on a little while ago (who pretty much dropped me on my butt before I even knew what happened) and wanted to rubbed it in his face that I was so in love and happy. She wanted to tell him that I was engaged. I immediately got defensive. Mom! I don't want people thinking that! They'd all think I was crazy! They know I've only been with Paul a few weeks and then they'd think I was insane if I was ALREADY engaged!!!

I now look at her question to me and realize...I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S YOU-KNOW-WHAT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME!!!! If they can't find it deep down in their own being that we all long to find our soul-mates and want to argue with me that love follows a timeline, then they don't need to be any part of my life. My mom told me that she's never seen me this happy before in my life. Not even when I was in high school with Rob did I glow like this. My grandpa said that he enjoyed being around me and talking with me. "There's something different about her." I have not made this relationship the center of my universe (that spot is reserved for God) but I give 110% to EVERYTHING in my life. And right now, this relationship needs my attention. It's very important to me and I want to nurture it so it can grow into something so amazingly beautiful and pure to remain that way for the rest of my life.

So what if I've decided that this is the man I'm going to marry already! If you love me, you'll be so utterly happy that I've found him! If you think that I'll be throwing away my career if I get married within a year, then you obviously don't know me. I'm a very strong woman capable of balancing much more than one thing at a time. I have never understood something this much ever before in my life.

With all of that said, I feel like I need to say something about society's little timeline. I know with my whole being that Paul would propose to me today if he could. He already started looking at rings a few days ago and marriage seems to be on his mind (he asked me to read 1 Corinthians 7 Sunday night). I think a major reason he will wait several more months is because of society's timeline. I'm sure he's worried about what certain people think about all of this (our parents think it's wonderful, but I think it's just everyone else that probably doesn't even matter in the end). He'll be 19 December 1st and we will have been together just a mere 3 weeks on Sunday. Yep, you can think I'm crazy...go right ahead. I really don't care what you think. I'll be 23 years old in about a month. I'm pretty sure I'm adult enough to make decisions like this.

So that's what goin on in the old noggin. I'm still moving to LA within a year. I'm under contract with the family I nanny for to give them 1 year. That decision was ironically also made before Paul and I were together. God's timing is perfect, isn't it?

I found this picture online with a really amazing article that seemed to put all of what was going on in my mind into perspective.
Apparently other people are on my side with this one...
Thanks or listenin and lovin me always.
Peace.

Keepin' the light switch turned ON!

Today's message was really good for my spirit. I needed it.

I'm in such a wonderful place in my life that I realized how content and relaxed I've become with everything. I don't stress or worry my life away. I just be...exist...am. It's a good feeling to feel this much at peace.

But there are always small things that seem to rise up to the surface and the enemy will try to poke holes in your amazing living situation. I grew up with financial strain and it has never really ever disappeared. Yes, I DO have a job now, but that doesn't make money just POOF into my bank account to get rid of my negative balance. It's going to take a little time to get back on track. So I could freak out about my financial situation or just believe that it will all work out in the end. Which is the way I think I'm supposed to live my life....

But it gets really tough sometimes!

I moved out of my alcoholic father's house this weekend to my grandpa's upstairs. I now have my own living space and my shoulders are free from all that weight that I carried every day wondering what I would have to pull my dad out of next. I've chosen to stay here until I move to LA. Gas is going down and I have faith that it will remain this low, so I will save on so much more money because of that. I would be putting so much money into rent for pretty much nothing then. I'm really not that far away from things. I have had to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere my whole life, so why couldn't I handle another year of it? I can handle it and I will! :)

This decision is going to help me save so much more money for things that I can't even see yet. An AFTRA contract? (details to follow after this weekend, I promise). Car insurance in my own name for once? A dress (of the white pursuasion)? New clothes that actually fit and don't make me feel fat?

I feel break-through happening. I'm in the midst of it now, and it's just going to keep getting better and better! This is I know for sure! I'm keeping my light switch turned on and the devil is going to have to tackle me to the ground to turn it off!

God spoke something very significant to me this morning at church. I don't want to say too much about it quite yet because I want it to manifest itself before I tell everyone. Let's just say that people from the west coast will see what Miss Emily Rose Mollet is made of this weekend! "There is just something about her...there is just this glow about her that makes me feel really good! I really like this girl! Let's pick her!"

Walk in faith, not by sight!

I WILL see this come to pass and I WILL live out my dreams...just you wait!

It's happening now and I'm thanking Him as every second passes.

I love you all.

Peace.

Lookin' ahead way too much...

So I'm not sure why I am looking so far ahead all of a sudden. I'm planning things that haven't even begun yet in hopes that I might "get ahead of the game." God made me a very goal-oriented person, but sometimes I forget not to get too carried away. And I'm pretty sure I'm getting carried away.

It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!

When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?

I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!

Could life get any better? Honestly.

I had an amazing weekend with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and my church family. But I'm going to just say I've had the most amazing 2 weeks actually!

Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:

#1 I'm growing in my faith more and more everyday
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!

So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!

Then yesterday, Paul and I sat through our very first service together at church. It was really special to sit next to him and hold his hand during the message. Each time something pertained to him and I, we squeezed each other's hand and smiled at one another, silently praising God for all that He has given us and continues to give us. I was so happy for Sarah to show up too! It was so great to see her sitting next to us. After service Paul and I headed to Red Robin to meet his parents for lunch. I was a little nervous, but really excited for this step in our relationship. It means a lot to me if I'm accepted by his family. We had a wonderful time chatting and telling funny stories of when he was younger. It was fun. One of my favorite moments of the day was after lunch. We took a walk in Fenton Park together in the gorgeous weather God planned for us!

I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.

I love you all.

Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!

Oh Barbara...

So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.

Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:

So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.

So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.

It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.

So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)

Thanks. I love you all.

Peace & Love forever.