So I'm not sure why I am looking so far ahead all of a sudden. I'm planning things that haven't even begun yet in hopes that I might "get ahead of the game." God made me a very goal-oriented person, but sometimes I forget not to get too carried away. And I'm pretty sure I'm getting carried away.
It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!
When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.
I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?
I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Could life get any better? Honestly.
I had an amazing weekend with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and my church family. But I'm going to just say I've had the most amazing 2 weeks actually!
Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!
So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!
I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.
I love you all.
Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!
So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!
I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.I love you all.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!
Oh Barbara...
So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.
Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:
So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.
Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:
So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.
So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.
It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.
So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)
Thanks. I love you all.
Peace & Love forever.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Falling into place
I cannot even begin to describe the weekend I have just experienced. I think I could talk about it step by step, but it would never capture the true meaning of it all. Let’s just say I was given a gift this weekend worth more than anything I could have ever imagined. I was given a chance to discover my soul-mate.
Yes, to many, that statement sounds utterly ridiculous. But I know in my heart that it is truth. Complete truth. Perfect TRUTH. Paul, the “wee lil guy,” the young 18 year old I met at church back in August and just now got a chance to truly get to know him, is my soul-mate and we have fallen completely head over heels for each other. And the awesome part of this news is that WE did not do anything to make it happen. It was GOD. All God. When it’s God, it’s easy…it’s effortless.
Paul and I spent a total of 22+ hours talking to one another from Thursday-Sunday..all in person. Over this time-span, we not only learned more about each other, we learned that God had wired us for one another. We did not have to create anything because it was already there, our hearts waiting for one another’s chance meeting. He grew up in that church and longed for the day when his one and only would walk through that door. As he grew weary and was feeling somewhat discouraged, he dove into serving. Since the age of 6 years old, he worked in the TV department and has recently became the head of the department. What my mom saw on TV that wonderful morning was because of Paul’s service and his loyal heart to God. If my mom never saw Pastor David that morning on TV, we would never be members of Faith Church and I would have never met Paul. If I wasn’t wearing my silver shoes that another girl had as well that “made our feet smell,” I would have never met Morgan who then would have never introduced me to Paul back in August. It all falls into place. All the pieces are coming together.
If I listed all of the qualities I have longed for in a man right now, Paul would exceed all of them. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is all I have ever dreamed of, prayed for, hoped for. He is that true love I always searched for. The problem was the searching and the solution was surrendering my life to God. One week ago, I let go of so much pain and frustration that I had been holding onto for so many years. The very same night I did that, Paul asked me for my number and the rest is history. So much rests in your faithfulness towards God. If you listen and patiently wait, He will bring it all to you. Not in your time, but in His time. 7 days. He created the world in 7 days. We’ll never be able to wrap our heads around that concept. But I’ll just continue to praise Him because of that.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I do know I will remain in faith. I will forever be a servant for God. Since last night, the idea of pursuing my dreams and having Paul in my life has been dancing around my head and weighing heavy on my heart. We both know that God wouldn’t allow us to find each other and then tear us a part. The only known is the unknown and above all, we must remain in faith and KNOW things will all work out even if we cannot fathom HOW they will play out. God is a much better planner than either he or I could ever be and I trust He will pave a way for us to both follow our dreams as individuals and as a couple. I’ve never believed people were made up of half of person and when they found their soul-mate, their “other half,” they were finally complete. I believe God has already made them complete when they allow themselves to have a strong relationship with Him. When two people come together, their union is so strong, NOTHING can break them a part. They come together as two WHOLE individuals with dreams and aspirations and they never stop living their own life, but learn how to share each other’s experiences together. Paul’s dreams become MY dreams and my dreams become PAUL’S dreams because we love one another SO MUCH. This is something I pray will happen for us. I talked to God about all of that this morning and also about why I wanted to be an actress. Since reading Purpose Driven Life, I’ve been figuring out more and more about my calling. God spoke to my heart this morning that calmed my worries. He told me:
Emily, I have given you your talents and abilities for a reason. You are not supposed to hide those talents from anyone or use them for personal pleasure or gain. You are supposed to share them with the world. You must learn how to serve in the church because it is very important to me, but most importantly, you are to serve in the world. You must be the light in all of the darkness. And Hollywood and Broadway are contaminated with evil and darkness. I want you to spread the news that they are not alone and that they no longer have to endure suffering and pain. And that there is a way…Jesus. I want you to be my strong Christian actress. You know that you are not OF this world, but I do ask you to live IN it. That is why you are here…I ask you to GO UNTO THE WORLD and share my message. The Bible says, "Go unto the world and preach the Gospel to every creature, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things and lo. I am with you always unto the end of the world."(Mathew 28: 19-20). Tell them about me. Share your talents that I have blessed you with. Not just your performing talents, but your heart, soul, and mind. Share with them who I have molded you into. Use your acting abilities to bring peace in their hearts. That they are not alone in this world. That they have brothers and sisters in the Lord who fall down just as they do. You will know what projects to choose because I will send them your way. You will know what projects go against your heart and morals. You will take what is going on in the world and know how to make change. You will bring hope and peace to so many hurting people. You are only one person, but each heart that you change matters to me.
I ask you to stay here in St. Louis to practice this difficult task. You are in preparation here. You will know when it is time to move to the next level. It’s going to seem very difficult and frightening to leave all that you have grown to know and love, but I have blessed you with very supportive friends and family members who will be there to hold you up when you are too tired or doubtful that this is your purpose. And you always have me. Because of that, I make it seem effortless. Most recently, I have sent Paul to you because He will be that strong masculine figure you’ve been asking for. He will prove to you that all the pain you’ve endured with men in your past no longer has to exist in your future. But remember to enjoy the present with him. Both of you will be so excited for things to come because I have given you the gift of certainty with this relationship. Don’t let that certainty overpower all the rest of your uncertainty that I ask you to take the time to pray over. I don’t want you to know all of the answers right away because I want you to look to me for the answers. And I do know them. You just need to be patient and listen.
Paul IS your soul-mate, Emily. You know this in your heart. He is everything you’ve been asking for, everything you’ve been hoping for, everything that you’ve been praying for. This is a gift I have given you because you have chosen to listen to me. You heard me ask you to stay. There are many gifts I have given you so far and many to come because of this decision. But Paul is something I know you’ve wanted your entire life. Something much bigger than a successful career or financial freedom. He is your one, true love. The true love you’ve asked me for time and time again. He will be by your side while you are in preparation here in the Midwest and by your side wherever I ask you to go. He will be another support for you because he truly believes I have placed this dream in your heart. Your passion for the talents I have given you and this dream will mean so much more because you now have a partner to experience it all with. Your relationship will blossom into something you cannot even imagine yet. It feels utterly amazing now and words will never be able to describe what it will be. I know you have a big heart full of love and you will love him unconditionally until the end of time. He will forever give you the same in return.
So REJOICE, REJOICE and be exceedingly glad! This is a time to tell the world about me and about what I have given you. Share your story: your struggles, your hardships, your pain…but most importantly, share your blessings. Let others know that it can happen if they are joyful, patient, obedient servants. Thank you for continuing to grow in Christ. And thank you for listening. You will never regret it.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Yes, to many, that statement sounds utterly ridiculous. But I know in my heart that it is truth. Complete truth. Perfect TRUTH. Paul, the “wee lil guy,” the young 18 year old I met at church back in August and just now got a chance to truly get to know him, is my soul-mate and we have fallen completely head over heels for each other. And the awesome part of this news is that WE did not do anything to make it happen. It was GOD. All God. When it’s God, it’s easy…it’s effortless.
Paul and I spent a total of 22+ hours talking to one another from Thursday-Sunday..all in person. Over this time-span, we not only learned more about each other, we learned that God had wired us for one another. We did not have to create anything because it was already there, our hearts waiting for one another’s chance meeting. He grew up in that church and longed for the day when his one and only would walk through that door. As he grew weary and was feeling somewhat discouraged, he dove into serving. Since the age of 6 years old, he worked in the TV department and has recently became the head of the department. What my mom saw on TV that wonderful morning was because of Paul’s service and his loyal heart to God. If my mom never saw Pastor David that morning on TV, we would never be members of Faith Church and I would have never met Paul. If I wasn’t wearing my silver shoes that another girl had as well that “made our feet smell,” I would have never met Morgan who then would have never introduced me to Paul back in August. It all falls into place. All the pieces are coming together.
If I listed all of the qualities I have longed for in a man right now, Paul would exceed all of them. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is all I have ever dreamed of, prayed for, hoped for. He is that true love I always searched for. The problem was the searching and the solution was surrendering my life to God. One week ago, I let go of so much pain and frustration that I had been holding onto for so many years. The very same night I did that, Paul asked me for my number and the rest is history. So much rests in your faithfulness towards God. If you listen and patiently wait, He will bring it all to you. Not in your time, but in His time. 7 days. He created the world in 7 days. We’ll never be able to wrap our heads around that concept. But I’ll just continue to praise Him because of that.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I do know I will remain in faith. I will forever be a servant for God. Since last night, the idea of pursuing my dreams and having Paul in my life has been dancing around my head and weighing heavy on my heart. We both know that God wouldn’t allow us to find each other and then tear us a part. The only known is the unknown and above all, we must remain in faith and KNOW things will all work out even if we cannot fathom HOW they will play out. God is a much better planner than either he or I could ever be and I trust He will pave a way for us to both follow our dreams as individuals and as a couple. I’ve never believed people were made up of half of person and when they found their soul-mate, their “other half,” they were finally complete. I believe God has already made them complete when they allow themselves to have a strong relationship with Him. When two people come together, their union is so strong, NOTHING can break them a part. They come together as two WHOLE individuals with dreams and aspirations and they never stop living their own life, but learn how to share each other’s experiences together. Paul’s dreams become MY dreams and my dreams become PAUL’S dreams because we love one another SO MUCH. This is something I pray will happen for us. I talked to God about all of that this morning and also about why I wanted to be an actress. Since reading Purpose Driven Life, I’ve been figuring out more and more about my calling. God spoke to my heart this morning that calmed my worries. He told me:
Emily, I have given you your talents and abilities for a reason. You are not supposed to hide those talents from anyone or use them for personal pleasure or gain. You are supposed to share them with the world. You must learn how to serve in the church because it is very important to me, but most importantly, you are to serve in the world. You must be the light in all of the darkness. And Hollywood and Broadway are contaminated with evil and darkness. I want you to spread the news that they are not alone and that they no longer have to endure suffering and pain. And that there is a way…Jesus. I want you to be my strong Christian actress. You know that you are not OF this world, but I do ask you to live IN it. That is why you are here…I ask you to GO UNTO THE WORLD and share my message. The Bible says, "Go unto the world and preach the Gospel to every creature, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things and lo. I am with you always unto the end of the world."(Mathew 28: 19-20). Tell them about me. Share your talents that I have blessed you with. Not just your performing talents, but your heart, soul, and mind. Share with them who I have molded you into. Use your acting abilities to bring peace in their hearts. That they are not alone in this world. That they have brothers and sisters in the Lord who fall down just as they do. You will know what projects to choose because I will send them your way. You will know what projects go against your heart and morals. You will take what is going on in the world and know how to make change. You will bring hope and peace to so many hurting people. You are only one person, but each heart that you change matters to me.
I ask you to stay here in St. Louis to practice this difficult task. You are in preparation here. You will know when it is time to move to the next level. It’s going to seem very difficult and frightening to leave all that you have grown to know and love, but I have blessed you with very supportive friends and family members who will be there to hold you up when you are too tired or doubtful that this is your purpose. And you always have me. Because of that, I make it seem effortless. Most recently, I have sent Paul to you because He will be that strong masculine figure you’ve been asking for. He will prove to you that all the pain you’ve endured with men in your past no longer has to exist in your future. But remember to enjoy the present with him. Both of you will be so excited for things to come because I have given you the gift of certainty with this relationship. Don’t let that certainty overpower all the rest of your uncertainty that I ask you to take the time to pray over. I don’t want you to know all of the answers right away because I want you to look to me for the answers. And I do know them. You just need to be patient and listen.
Paul IS your soul-mate, Emily. You know this in your heart. He is everything you’ve been asking for, everything you’ve been hoping for, everything that you’ve been praying for. This is a gift I have given you because you have chosen to listen to me. You heard me ask you to stay. There are many gifts I have given you so far and many to come because of this decision. But Paul is something I know you’ve wanted your entire life. Something much bigger than a successful career or financial freedom. He is your one, true love. The true love you’ve asked me for time and time again. He will be by your side while you are in preparation here in the Midwest and by your side wherever I ask you to go. He will be another support for you because he truly believes I have placed this dream in your heart. Your passion for the talents I have given you and this dream will mean so much more because you now have a partner to experience it all with. Your relationship will blossom into something you cannot even imagine yet. It feels utterly amazing now and words will never be able to describe what it will be. I know you have a big heart full of love and you will love him unconditionally until the end of time. He will forever give you the same in return.
So REJOICE, REJOICE and be exceedingly glad! This is a time to tell the world about me and about what I have given you. Share your story: your struggles, your hardships, your pain…but most importantly, share your blessings. Let others know that it can happen if they are joyful, patient, obedient servants. Thank you for continuing to grow in Christ. And thank you for listening. You will never regret it.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Leaving it, Letting it Go, Letting it Drop...FINALLY & FOR REAL THIS TIME!
So this morning I am chillin, listenin to some good tunes. These are the last days of my unemployment…I can feel it.
I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.
I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.
I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”
What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.
So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:
I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)
I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!
I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.
I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.
I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”
What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.
So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:
I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)
I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Patience. YES YOU MUST WAIT!
I gotta a phone call yesterday morning from my nanny agency telling me to expect a phone interview that night with a potential employer. AWESOME! Only problem is...they never called.
So I know they were impressed my my resume and they are really excited to talk to me, I just don't know when that's gonna happen. So I must wait by my phone all day for the next few days. I'm trying to continue to stay positive, it's just the waiting that's killing me! They don't need me until November, so I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to know I have a job or not. Wait! I know why...because I have a small fear of the unknown! Yes, yes, that's it!
So...it's a wonderful thing that I even get an interview. I need to keep telling myself that. I've been struggling with finding a job since the end of August, so this is great for me to get a chance to be secure and comfortable with my finances finally.
Onto my other career...my acting career...I'm lining up auditions and readings left and right and also performing in a play and eventually filming an indie movie. So, I think I'm doing a good job with remaining active and I feel as if I'm allowed to call myself an actor. I'm not sitting on my butt until something happens, I'm working on making things happen every day.
I'm hearing great things from people in the biz and I'm excited to see where it leads me. Good things are gonna happen to me!
So I know they were impressed my my resume and they are really excited to talk to me, I just don't know when that's gonna happen. So I must wait by my phone all day for the next few days. I'm trying to continue to stay positive, it's just the waiting that's killing me! They don't need me until November, so I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to know I have a job or not. Wait! I know why...because I have a small fear of the unknown! Yes, yes, that's it!
So...it's a wonderful thing that I even get an interview. I need to keep telling myself that. I've been struggling with finding a job since the end of August, so this is great for me to get a chance to be secure and comfortable with my finances finally.
Onto my other career...my acting career...I'm lining up auditions and readings left and right and also performing in a play and eventually filming an indie movie. So, I think I'm doing a good job with remaining active and I feel as if I'm allowed to call myself an actor. I'm not sitting on my butt until something happens, I'm working on making things happen every day.
I'm hearing great things from people in the biz and I'm excited to see where it leads me. Good things are gonna happen to me!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Always on my heart.
So sometimes when I least expect it, I hear God's still voice. A lot of times it's when I'm in the shower or in the bathroom at all. I wonder why that is...maybe it's because there aren't any distractions in there and whatever activities are done in there are pretty basic and second-nature. Too personal? Oh well, we all poop and take showers. Get over it. :)
If anyone knows me they know I'm extremely driven and goal-oriented. This is tough for a Christian because we are taught to surrender our lives to Christ and to let God have the pen to our life-story. When things aren't going the way I would like them to, it's really tough not to fight God for the pen or find my own pen and become a CO-AUTHOR with God. That's just silly to even TRY to compare myself to such a master writer. Something that I really enjoy about God's presence in my life is when He puts a goal in my heart and He sends me mental pictures of what they look like. Not to sound conceited, but I see myself walking down the red carpet at award shows and later giving that infamous speech that I've practiced every time I watch the Emmy's, Oscar's, Tony's, Grammy's, etc on the TV. I see myself belting it out behind the footlights on the stage at the August Wilson Theater on Broadway. I see my face and my bio on the back of my latest novel in Borders. I see me in the recording studio with the headphones singing the Lord's praises on my up and coming Praise and Worship album. It may sound crazy...but He would not give you talents and abilities and not let you use them to your fullest potential! So remember that.
With that said, one of my biggest goals and dream is to become a successful actress of both stage and screen. I've been planning my move to LA for over a year now. One of my obstacles to reach this objective was school. I tackled that one when I graduated in May from SIUE with my BA in Theater and Dance. Awesome! Now onto the next obstacle...MONEY! You need money and a lot of it if you want to be successful in a new city. Especially a big city like Los Angeles. And this obstacle has been kickin my butt since the end of August. God has provided for my basic needs and a little more, but so far, I have not found a solid job to go beyond my basic needs and save all the money it'll take to start a new life in LA.
God said this to me today: "Emily, I made you a very talented and driven YOUNG (youthful looking) woman and I will bring so much success to your life that you will never have to depend on anyone [especially a man] but me. You will have all of your needs met and more. So much so that you will be able to provide for your family and give back to them all that they have given you and more. You will be able to give back to your community and your church family. You will have more than enough. Your life will be overflowing with success and you will live your life in abundance! Because of your youthful looks, it won't matter how long it takes you to reach that success in your acting career. Time is not running out for you. In fact, as you age, you will understand your craft more because of your maturity and life experiences that I have allowed to happen to you. You will continue to learn and grow from every fall and every step that you take."
Wow.
If that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what does! That's how much our God loves us. He will take care of you! Don't compare your path with anyone else ever again. Your path will be so utterly unique and colorful. Because of that you will find so many rewards in life.
When I allowed myself to let all of that sink in, I realized that there is no rush anymore. I actually ENJOY what's happening right now, right now in front of me. Maybe there is a HUGE reason God is asking me to stay here in IL. And I won't know what it is until it happens or I'm happily living life in LA and I can look back and be glad I stayed. It could be one BIG thing or it could be so many small things that add up to a wonderful life. I can make a list right now of all the things that have happened to me and they all make me really excited to see what else is to come. With all the good, the enemy continues to throw all the bad my way. I keep knocking it down with my faith in our Creator.
I discuss my faith on here because it's very important to me and right now it's what I depend on to get through these difficult times. There's not a day that goes by that I do not link what's happening in my life with God's grace. I express it through my words to shred some light on my issues and maybe to help someone else get through their own struggles.
I'm in a good mood despite all the hardships going on right now. I guess the good mood has a lot to do about feeling protected by my heavenly Father. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.
I love you all. You're all precious to me.
If anyone knows me they know I'm extremely driven and goal-oriented. This is tough for a Christian because we are taught to surrender our lives to Christ and to let God have the pen to our life-story. When things aren't going the way I would like them to, it's really tough not to fight God for the pen or find my own pen and become a CO-AUTHOR with God. That's just silly to even TRY to compare myself to such a master writer. Something that I really enjoy about God's presence in my life is when He puts a goal in my heart and He sends me mental pictures of what they look like. Not to sound conceited, but I see myself walking down the red carpet at award shows and later giving that infamous speech that I've practiced every time I watch the Emmy's, Oscar's, Tony's, Grammy's, etc on the TV. I see myself belting it out behind the footlights on the stage at the August Wilson Theater on Broadway. I see my face and my bio on the back of my latest novel in Borders. I see me in the recording studio with the headphones singing the Lord's praises on my up and coming Praise and Worship album. It may sound crazy...but He would not give you talents and abilities and not let you use them to your fullest potential! So remember that.
With that said, one of my biggest goals and dream is to become a successful actress of both stage and screen. I've been planning my move to LA for over a year now. One of my obstacles to reach this objective was school. I tackled that one when I graduated in May from SIUE with my BA in Theater and Dance. Awesome! Now onto the next obstacle...MONEY! You need money and a lot of it if you want to be successful in a new city. Especially a big city like Los Angeles. And this obstacle has been kickin my butt since the end of August. God has provided for my basic needs and a little more, but so far, I have not found a solid job to go beyond my basic needs and save all the money it'll take to start a new life in LA.
God said this to me today: "Emily, I made you a very talented and driven YOUNG (youthful looking) woman and I will bring so much success to your life that you will never have to depend on anyone [especially a man] but me. You will have all of your needs met and more. So much so that you will be able to provide for your family and give back to them all that they have given you and more. You will be able to give back to your community and your church family. You will have more than enough. Your life will be overflowing with success and you will live your life in abundance! Because of your youthful looks, it won't matter how long it takes you to reach that success in your acting career. Time is not running out for you. In fact, as you age, you will understand your craft more because of your maturity and life experiences that I have allowed to happen to you. You will continue to learn and grow from every fall and every step that you take."
Wow.
If that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what does! That's how much our God loves us. He will take care of you! Don't compare your path with anyone else ever again. Your path will be so utterly unique and colorful. Because of that you will find so many rewards in life.
When I allowed myself to let all of that sink in, I realized that there is no rush anymore. I actually ENJOY what's happening right now, right now in front of me. Maybe there is a HUGE reason God is asking me to stay here in IL. And I won't know what it is until it happens or I'm happily living life in LA and I can look back and be glad I stayed. It could be one BIG thing or it could be so many small things that add up to a wonderful life. I can make a list right now of all the things that have happened to me and they all make me really excited to see what else is to come. With all the good, the enemy continues to throw all the bad my way. I keep knocking it down with my faith in our Creator.
I discuss my faith on here because it's very important to me and right now it's what I depend on to get through these difficult times. There's not a day that goes by that I do not link what's happening in my life with God's grace. I express it through my words to shred some light on my issues and maybe to help someone else get through their own struggles.
I'm in a good mood despite all the hardships going on right now. I guess the good mood has a lot to do about feeling protected by my heavenly Father. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.
I love you all. You're all precious to me.
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