Out on a limb.

A couple months ago I came across an old close friend's twitter account page. This "old friend" blocked me out of their life in all areas socially. We live about 1200 miles away from each other so there was already physical distance between us. But the last time we spoke was back in early June 2008. He just stopped calling and stopped answering my texts and phonecalls. Then all of a sudden I was off of his top friends on myspace (this was a huge deal back then, lol) then deleted from myspace, then deleted from facebook. He never responded to messages or emails and I even went out on a limb and mailed him a handwritten letter. But he had basically fallen off the face of the earth. This hurt my heart so much because we spent so much of our time talking to each other. I remember calling him every night straight for 9 or so months. I even spent extra loan money on a trip to visit him to see him in person for the first time in over 2 years.

We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)

So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.

So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?

I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.

Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.

Peace & Love.

A place called "there."

I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?

For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."

And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...

My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...

My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!

Another area that needs working...
My mind.

I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.

I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.

This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.

Have a blessed weekend my friends.

Peace & Love.

Mmm...Bread Co soup...mmm...

I'm content. Sometimes it doesn't take much. And today's one of those days. :)

Paulie got off work early and he's snug in our bed and I'm relaxing the only way I know how. Writing. Just taking time to chill and not dwell on negatives or issues. Just relaxin.

I've been downloading Joyce Meyer's podcasts a lot lately. She makes me laugh. I love how blunt she is. And ironically, every message she speaks is for me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. It's nice to know that I'm not alone with my imperfections. And I've got a lot of 'em! But I'm workin' on it...

She's been talking a lot about spiritual maturity. The fruit and gifts of the spirit. It's awesome. She talks about how God blesses some of us with gifts like playing music/singing or photography or making awesome accessories like Jillian Pye! :) He gives us gifts for others' enjoyment, not for us to get jealous over. But not every one has those gifts. But He DOES give us all fruits. But we must DEVELOPE them to enjoy them. Good word, good word.

Any way, life is great. I'm happy. And Paul has been home for 7 days straight and it has been FANTASTIC!!! :) I have my hubby alllllll to myself.

I'm gonna share you one of my favorite pictures from the wedding. Thanks goes to Brittany Browers...

Brrrr....it's cold!

It's quite nippy outside, isn't it? (said with a cockny/British accent of course) haha.

I came into work this morning and froze my everything off because it was like 40 degrees in the office! It's been a nice easy day though and I almost feel like I'm at home catching up on odds and ends, but the cool thing is that I'm getting paid! :) I've got the space heater by my tootsies to try to keep them warm while my frozen fingers type away. As long as something is staying warm on my body, I'm okay.

So good news...Paulie's home! :) I'm going to enjoy this Friday night with him so much! I don't think he has to work in the morning either so this will be our 1ST Saturday that we get to sleep in together!!! 5 weeks of marriage and we finally get to enjoy that. So that's fun.

I can definitely sense the changes in the air with a lot of things in my life: work is getting easier for me (not as stressful), finances are becoming easier to handle, my pride level is at an all-time low lately in regards to singing with the praise team....

Now to discuss this one a bit further...
Because I have ALWAYS performed in front of people, I soaked up that applause like no one's business. Not to bring the glory to God, but to myself. This was a HUGE obstacle for me in 2009. HUGE. I got upset time and time again at rehearsals for the youth band or the Praise team because "I wasn't being noticed or recognized" for my ability. But it's taken so many prayers and time with God to get Him to break that off of me. "Take me, break me...show me what to do...Take me, shape me...teach me to be like You." (Daniel's Window) became my cry to God. And I'm feeling better about it all.

Last night's rehearsal was AWESOME. We even added 2 new singers to the mix and I was EXCITED about it. Normally I would get upset because I knew that it just meant I had to work even harder to get noticed. But it's not a competition. God hears everyone's voice, and He's not just interested in our voices, but our HEARTS. He can tell when you're faking it. When you're looking for the glory instead. And I pray all the time to be humbled. It's the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with. The world teaches us to seek fame and fortune. How many actors/performers/singers/musicians dream of that day when they can give their acceptance speech at the Grammy's/Oscar's/Tony's/Emmy's? I know I talked about it many times on here. Many many many. I wanted to be noticed for the gifts God blessed me with. And that seemed alright in my eyes...but I wanted the glory, the fame, the attention.

This is my new song...and I believe in EVERY word:
http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742244706842939

It talks about moving out of the way and letting God be seen through you. Becoming invisible so the audience sees Him. We're not supposed to want to out-shine God. We have to let others see His glorious and beautiful light. We are His hands and His feet and somtimes His voice. So if you are struggling with this issue of pride (with any gift God has given you) know that you are not alone. Just ask Him to humble you. Ask Him for help with your pride issues. And you will begin taking the finger off of yourself and pointing people to Him.

Peace and Love.

Have a fantastic weekend. Love you all.